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:: 2006 12 May :: 9.17 am
:: Music: Plain White T's - Hey, there Delilah

I swear it's true.
Hey, there Delilah.
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away,
but girl tonight you look so pretty.
Yes, you do.
Time square can't shine as bright as you.
I swear it's true.

Hey, there Delilah.
Don't you worry about the distance.
I'm right there if you get lonely,
give this song another listen,
close your eyes.
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise.
I'm by your side.

Oh, it's what you do to me.
Oh, it's what you do to me.
Oh, it's what you do to me.
Oh, it's what you do to me.
What you do to me.

Hey, there Delilah.
I know times are getting hard,
but just believe me girl,
someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar.
We'll have it good.
We'll have the life we knew we would.
My word is good.

Hey, there Delilah.
I've got so much left to say.
If every simple song I wrote to you
would take your breath away,
I'd write it all.
Even more in love with me you'd fall.
We'd have it all.

Oh, it's what you do to me.
Oh, it's what you do to me.
Oh, it's what you do to me.
Oh, it's what you do to me.

A thousand miles seems pretty far,
but they've got planes and trains and cars.
I'd walk to you if I had no other way.

Our friends would all make fun of us,
and we'll just laugh along because we know
that none of them have felt this way.

Delilah, I can promise you
that by the time that we get through
the world will never ever be the same.

And you're to blame.

Hey, there Delilah.
You be good and don't you miss me.
Two more years and you'll be done with school.
And I'll be making history like I do.
You know it's all because of you.
We can do whatever we want to.

Hey, there Delilah here's to you.
This one's for you.

Oh, it's what you do to me.
Oh, it's what you do to me.
Oh, it's what you do to me.
Oh, it's what you do to me.
What you do to me.

:: 2006 24 February :: 6.38 am
:: Music: Ani Difranco - Angry Anymore

On the outs.
I always expect too much and get my hopes up for nothing.

Don't try to fix this, it'd show you actually cared.

:: 2006 23 February :: 7.13 pm

Nothing ever works. I shouldn't convince myself otherwise.

:: 2006 19 February :: 9.22 am

I have something to look forward to now.


:: 2006 13 February :: 2.06 pm

You're my distraction.

:: 2006 12 February :: 4.40 pm
:: Music: Bob Dylan

Today was such a weird/emotional day.

First, I went to church. I try to avoid it as much as possible. Not because I am Agnostic, but because it brings back bad memories. I stand there knowing that the person who used to stand next to me will never stand next to me there again. Or anywhere for that matter. The person I loved is gone and we'll never step into that place together like we used to. Growing and learning as one. Then I looked at my brother's wife, singing in the choir and my brother facing her singing in the crowd. They are such an amazing couple. They are so incredibly strong and in love. And they'll never divorce, cheat, or lie. They truly don't care about negative things or make them a part of their life. Yeah, they do bother me with their God stuff sometimes, but at least it works for them. At least they're happy. At least they are in love, and neither of them ever have to worry about lying between them. They are so strong, it's insane really.

I am happy for them, they're going to live a life I wish I could have.
Maybe I will some day.

Then we went to their apartment and my mom started talking about my dad and how he had some sort of attack the other day. He's dying and she said she's actually going to miss him. For so long she wanted him to die and now that he is, she wants him to live. She started crying and it made me feel horrible. After all the things he's done to her, us, and the entire family she still loves him and doesn't want to live without him. She loves that man so much and I have no idea why. Actually, I do...because once you love someone you can't stop. It doesn't matter what they've done or who they have become. You just love them. Just because.

I know, because I am there now.

The church service today was sad enough as it was. It was all about how to be good to your partner and how to get back to love if you're not in it now. Everything really hurt to hear, because I know our relationship could have lasted if only we did those things. If only I tried harder and he didn't do the shit he did. If only he wasn't who he truly is.

That's the only thing keeping me strong to not ever be with him again (not that I have a choice. He decided that for me a while ago). He cheated on me, he lied to me, and hurt me all of the time. And that's just who is he. He loves things too much that I can so easily live without. And that's where we differ. That's where I finally see that we would never make it. We're too different to ever exist as us.

That makes me want to cry.
But, at least I know now there has to be someone else. I can't stay stuck on someone like that. I will for a while, but my mind is too strong to go back to it.

If I knew he would never lie or cheat on me again I'd go back to him. I'd move to wherever the hell he ever ends up. But, I don't know and I'll never know anything. So, it's over and that's sad.

But, that's just me; sad.

:: 2006 9 February :: 7.07 pm

You drive me up the fucking wall. Ugghh.

Just be with me. Drive here, pick me up, tell me you miss me and that you'll never let me go again.

It's that easy. That's all you have to do.

It's just money. Realize that, please. It won't make you happy. I can't fucking believe you think that's the answer. It's just paper. Yeah, you need it to survive and the world revolves around money. Blah, blah... who gives a fuck.

It's not what you need. I am what you need. You're what I need.

When will you see that?

Sooner or later I will be moving on, because as much as I want to I can't wait around forever. I just can't.

:: 2006 6 February :: 6.51 am
:: Music: Tom Petty - Learning to Fly

What an amazing dream.
[Too bad I had to wake up]

Oh, and I have to stop tricking myself. I haven't met anyone worth my time yet. I am trying too hard to move on and that's stupid. Eventually I will and it will be with the right person at the right time. Until then I have to accept that there's no one and it's ok that there isn't.

I'm trying.

:: 2006 5 February :: 3.59 pm
:: Music: Cliff Ritchey

What if?
There's this little glimmer of hope left in my heart making me believe we're not over. Making me wait for the day we'll just be us again.

But, I think the only reason any hope exists is because I am wishing so badly that it does. I don't think it's because it will happen or that it's true.

We're over, but I don't want to accept that.

One day I'll just have to. Because, it is over and it always will be.

But, somehow I'll trick myself into hoping it's not.

Edit>> I can't keep doing this. I need to remember what I heard this weekend; you don't have to be dating someone and being single is ok. There's not some age where you have to be married or with someone. I have to stop looking and just wait. He'll find me as soon as I quit looking. Until then I am searching for someone who doesn't exist. He has to find me. And he will.

:: 2006 3 February :: 1.27 pm

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

:: 2006 1 February :: 6.47 am
:: Music: Damien Rice - The Blowers Daughter

Darling, you're all that I'm living for.
Won't you please be my own?
Never leave me alone.
'Cause I die every time we're apart.
I want you, I need you, I love you.
With all my heart.

:: 2006 29 January :: 7.03 pm
:: Music: Damien Rice - The Blowers Daughter

I can't take my mind off of you, until I find somebody new.
[I don't care if any of you are sick of hearing about this. Delete me off of your friends page if I bother you that much. It won't hurt my feelings, trust me.]

I feel like I just can't do this anymore.

I miss you, you can't even begin to imagine how much. I feel like no matter what happens you're gonna be there. You're always going to be in the back of my head, I can't just get over you. I can't replace you. I compare every guy I meet to you. I can't pretend you don't exist, when I know you do and I know I regret the break up.

I regret being so weak and giving up something, that I now realize, I really needed. Something amazing. I don't even know if I regret it all or not. Because I'd kill to have that again, but knowing I had it and it's gone makes it even worse. Knowing a feeling that you just can't reach no matter how hard you try kills.

It's just... I hate knowing you're somewhere else where I can't be. I hate knowing that you're growing up without me. I hate seeing that I'm going through my senior year without my best friend by my side. Without my rock. You were never just a boyfriend to me. Ever. You were my best friend. And I remember saying no matter what you were always going to be in my life. No matter what we were going to stay best friends. So, here I sit with no best friend and no rock.

What makes it the hardest is knowing I'll probably never see you again in my life. You're gone. And I'll be gone as well soon. I don't know where I'm going, I just know it's not going to be here, in this house. I mean, you fucking lived with me. As if everything else in the world doesn't remind you of me, let's add the fact that you've been in every inch of this house. I look at the fucking couch and think of you.

It's all too hard and I wish things could have just been solved, because I've never felt so helpless. Without you, a part of me is gone. Part of who I am today is you.

Why don't you care?
I was so willing to do whatever you wanted. I told you I'd move to Florida if you really wanted me to. I told you I would go where ever you wanted to go. I was willing to move somewhere I never wanted to be just so I could be with you. And all you said is, "I don't see any way it would work."

Were you were only in it for the easy times? Only when it was conveinent for you? There's a hundred ways this all could have worked. And now it can't, because you have a new, wonderful life and I'm just here. Existing because I have to.

I love you.
I never stopped loving you.
And I don't know if I ever will.

I wish you could say the same.

I am so fucking willing to do anything on this earth to be with you. To fight with you, to grow with you, to be in love with you. The good and the bad. I want all of you and I have none.

Not one damn piece.

I don't miss you.
I miss us.

Read more..

:: 2006 29 January :: 1.47 pm
:: Music: Rent Soundtrack

Rent - Without You
Read more..

:: 2006 17 January :: 1.59 pm
:: Music: Bob Dylan - Blowing in the Wind

Everything reminds me of you.
Days like today are hard.

I hate memories.

Some times I wish they could all just go away.
Yeah, it's better to have loved and lost or whatever the fuck.
But, it's not easier. And I miss you every day and think about you every day. I just want you back. To this day I'd still take you back.
And that is pathetic and sad.

It wasn't like that for a while and now it is again.

I'm trying to be strong. Sometimes it works other times it just does't.

I wish I could throw all of what I remember in your face so you could miss me like I miss you. Did you just forget? Does it just not matter to you? Did it ever matter? I have a million questions that I'll never know the answer to.

I just want it to be over with.

When will it all be over with?

Nevermind. It makes no difference.

:: 2006 17 January :: 1.26 pm

That's what I want.

:: 2006 12 January :: 6.39 am
:: Music: Ani Difranco - Not a Pretty Girl

I'm not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere.

Don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down whether or not you ever show up?

:: 2005 3 December :: 9.39 am
:: Music: Howie Day - Collide

Just for me.
Read more..

:: 2005 15 November :: 6.50 am

Friends only from now on as well.
For the same reason. Ha!

:: 2005 27 September :: 6.45 am

The past..
I'll be the first to admit..

I am so fucked up and ruined.
And it's not my fault.

:: 2005 24 September :: 12.05 pm

I love these lyrics.
I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

Death Cab for Cutie - Someday You Will Be Loved

:: 2005 20 September :: 6.34 am

I know things get tough.. real tough.
But, I care about you more than you know. Even if I don't always say it or show it, just realize that I do.

You should be used to me by now.

1 Broken heart | Crush me

:: 2005 19 September :: 6.42 am

I don't know what to do! I'm crying out to you.
I love you, but I want to be happy.And I want you to be happy.
I'm really at a loss of what we can do.
Just stay together and be miserable?
Or have you leave and me be miserable anyway?
See, you can start a new life with new people.
While I'm just stuck here for another fucking year. Alone.

:: 2005 16 September :: 6.34 am

When I look into your eyes I know you're all I need.

1 Broken heart | Crush me

:: 2005 8 September :: 6.58 am

I love waking up to you crawling into my bed.

I love you.

:: 2005 1 September :: 3.20 pm
:: Music: John Lennon


:: 2005 1 September :: 10.57 am

Read more..

:: 2005 15 August :: 3.56 pm

That girl.
I've realized I have caused this journal to be a very depressing place to visit. The majority of all my writings are ramblings of a depressed, empty girl. And that's not all I am. I am depressed, but not empty at all. I always said there was a difference between being sad and being depressed. I think sadness is a very short period of time. Your cat dying, losing your favorite shirt,or failing a class for example. And depression is when you're happy for short periods of time, but in the end every day closes with sadness. Which is the case for me. That feeling of happiness always fades. But, this is just a phase. I won't be like this forever. I'll be happy all the time and have short periods of sadness sooner or later. So, I have accepted the fact that I am depressed. But, I'm not about to turn to pills or suicide. I know I'm not in the deepest form of depression, hence me not hurting myself physically. A lot of people are much more depressed than I am. So there is a bright side, for me anyway. Not for them.

Church has really been hitting home lately. I hold everything that has been said to be very true and I want to practice it. I have to respect Brad even if he doesn't love me and he has to love me even if I don't respect him. We have to make compromises. He needs days with just the guys and I needs days with just the girls. We have to be okay with giving certain things up for the other. I have to do things for him and he has to do things for me. We have to connect. It's all very hard. Trust me, but I'm willing to do it all. I'm willing to become happy again. I want to be that girl he used to write poems about. That girl he used to get chills from just feeling her touch. That girl he wanted to spend every second with. I want to be that girl. That girl. If I could be her again it'd be a dream. I think I'd be happy again. I long for love and to be loved. I long to feel loved. I long to be in love.
I want him to feel like he's the best thing wearing pants (as the pastor says). I guess I have to venerate and cherish his ego and quirks. I have to show him respect. I have to forget his past and turn his heart back to mine. Because mine's stuck and his is lost. I just want him. All of him.

Anyway, I want to make this a happier place. But, it's hard when I'm not a happier person. School will be starting soon. That could either help or hurt. I hope to God it helps. I'm growing up, now it's your turn.

1 Broken heart | Crush me

:: 2005 12 August :: 1.58 pm
:: Music: Elliott Smith - Say Yes

The morning after.
I just want to be happy.
Just make me happy.

Is it that fucking hard?

I hate being stuck here.
I can't wait to be 18 and live.

I'm in love with the world through the eyes of a girl
who's still around the morning after.
We broke up a month ago and I grew up, I didn't know
I'd be around the morning after.

Elliott Smith - Say Yes

:: 2005 2 August :: 4.42 pm
:: Music: Death Cab for Cutie - Lightness

I was reading my old journal and there was part of an entry I liked..

"I described the moments I think are most important. I said something along the lines of.. The moments people forget are the ones that last seconds but seem like hours when you look back on them. The times when everything seems right, and you can't stop smiling. The times you don't even know what you're feeling, you just know it's good. The moments that you don't want to stop. The feeling you get, that you wish could last a life time, but goes away in minutes. The way you want to feel all the time.

I said so much more, I can't remember the words.

And Lisa answered with, "You just described so many times for me."

And I said, "And the next day everyone forgot, didn't they?"

She nodded.

I also remember getting to the end of Lisa's driveway, before we started down the road. I felt dead. I was walking, and part of the driveway dissapeared. Like Kate said, "There's a part of your driveway where I can't see anything." I felt dead. I wasn't thinking about anything, there was nothing on my mind, and as soon as I realized that, it went away. And the thoughts appeared.

I remember climbing into bed around 4:30 am, after my shower. Kate was sleeping. Lisa was laying on the wooden floor in the corner, sleeping. Benton Falls was playing. The computer glow was lighting their faces so I turned it off."

1 Broken heart | Crush me

:: 2005 1 August :: 11.33 am
:: Music: Fleetwood Mac - Monday Morning

I don't want to try to convince you to feel anything or a certain way anymore.

I want you to feel that way all on your own.

I don't know why I can't just forget. I want to more than anything. Dwelling does nothing, but I just can't stop thinking. | Random Journal