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as breathe by breathe, I suffocate

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poisonedheart

:: 2017 1 November :: 10.47pm

I'm not a good person
Ask anyone who knows me
I'm mean and bitter
And a failure at everything that I say I believe

I'm not a good person
Ask anyone who loves me
I never write, I never call
I never think about anyone at all

I'm not a good person
No matter what I do
My exhaustion will consume me
And I'm too tired for the truth

I'm not a good person
I'm sure you're not surprised
It must be pouring out my sweat glands
It must be someplace in my eyes

I don't know why I am this way
I've been like this since I can remember
I try to keep up with everything I know I should do
But then I'll fall to pieces anyway

I don't know why I am this way
I'm not a good person, not even to you
I'm staying home because I can't stand the sound
Of another heartbeat in the room

I'm not a good person
Fuck it, you know it's true
I'm lazy, I'm a coward
I'm asleep all day in my room

I don't know why I am this way
I've been like this since I can remember
I try to keep up with everything I know I should do
But then I'll fall to pieces anyway

I don't know why I am this way

Scream the Sorrow..


poisonedheart

:: 2017 16 June :: 11.54pm


When something I hold dear is out to hurt me
I kick that feeble dream and whisper something like a prayer

No more shame, no more fear, no more dread

Scream the Sorrow..


poisonedheart

:: 2017 9 May :: 8.40am



When I was a kid
My whole reality split
I was living a lie
I was a killing machine
I was a war lord
When I closed my eyes

I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop

When I was a kid
I was a total dick
To inanimate objects
The world beat the hell from me
I took it out on a tree
Great Illustrated Classics

I took it out on a fig tree
Out on the lawn
I took it out in the backyard (backyard!)
And behind Rite Aid
I took it out on the crates
And on the shopping carts

We were on another plane
I was the king of pain
In unspeakable cruelty
I set the mommy on fire
I set the baby on fire
Not even Jesus could stop me

I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop

I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop
Stop, stop

Scream the Sorrow..


poisonedheart

:: 2017 25 April :: 1.09am

So I looked into your eyes and I saw the reflection
Of a coward you and I both hate very much

Scream the Sorrow..


poisonedheart

:: 2013 6 October :: 10.25am

I have not posted on here in an exceptionally long time. I think I'm finally really happy with my life though. I enjoy my job, I get to see so many amazing, beautiful places and meet interesting people everyday. In a lot of ways it feels like I'm on vacation all the time, always going places people dream about seeing when they retire or something. Instead those places are where I get to go everyday.

3 Black Roses | Scream the Sorrow..


shalee

:: 2012 15 November :: 9.55pm

No feeling is final.

Scream the Sorrow..


poisonedheart

:: 2012 23 June :: 5.46pm

Interviewing for my first "real" job on monday, full range of insurance, paid vacation, sick leave, "competitive salary" (the average in this job is $65k a year around here).

I am so excited, but terrified that all of a sudden I'll have to be a real adult.

Scream the Sorrow..


poisonedheart

:: 2012 27 February :: 3.10am


Love is real
It is not just in novels or the movies
It is fact
And it is standing here right in front of you
So if you open your eyes
Oh what a sweet discovery
There is hope, and there is joy, and there is acceptance
So now let all of the light that collects on your plants
Keep you warm, make you smile
And I will be there with this pen in my hand
To record all the while
You'll be laughing so loud
That the house would shake with sound
And everything will be as new as the day it was found
Love is real
It is not just in long distance commercials
Or something that you thought you felt back in high school
So I will turn black and white
Become that horoscope you're reading
It predicts something good is on its way
Oh, and then I will send you the world green and blue
In a box through the mail
You can open it up, hold it right in your hand
And be glad that it's there
And be glad that you're there
Now, you can feel all the knots in your stomach start to untie
And suddenly it's not so hard to say you're all right
Love is real
It is not just in poetry and stories
It is truth, and it will follow you
Everywhere you go from now on
So if you'd just cast off your doubt
Then your lips would answer for you
Oh my darling, when you smile, it is like a song
And I can hear it now
And I can hear it now
And I can hear it now
Yes, I can, I can, I can
I can hear it now
I can hear it now
Yeah, I can, I can, I can
I can hear it now
I can hear it now
I can hear it now
Yeah, I can, I can, I can
I can hear it now
I can hear it now

Scream the Sorrow..


shalee

:: 2011 12 August :: 5.01pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: Radical Face

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay it's not the end.

Scream the Sorrow..


shalee

:: 2011 6 August :: 11.29am
:: Mood: accepting

It's good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.

Scream the Sorrow..


shalee

:: 2011 1 August :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: complacent

"I am alone in the world, and yet not alone enough to make each hour holy. I am lowly in this world, and yet not lowly enough for me to be just a thing to you, dark and shrewd. I want my will and I want to go with my will as it moves toward action. And I want, in those silent, somehow faltering times, to be with someone who knows, or else alone. I want to reflect everything about you, and I never want to be too blind or too ancient to keep your profound wavering image with me. I want to unfold. I don't want to be folded anywhere, because there, where I'm folded, I am a lie."

Scream the Sorrow..


shalee

:: 2011 19 July :: 10.40pm
:: Mood: awake

If you have to ask, you will never know. If you know, you need only ask.

Scream the Sorrow..


shalee

:: 2011 17 July :: 10.22am
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: Beck

It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch.

Scream the Sorrow..


shalee

:: 2011 11 July :: 4.44pm
:: Mood: exhausted

My heart is my own design.

Scream the Sorrow..


shalee

:: 2011 9 July :: 11.11pm

The hard of heart also have their sorrows.

Scream the Sorrow..


poisonedheart

:: 2011 7 July :: 2.37am

Just 40 days left in Spokane, I'm super excited, and super nervous.

1 Black Rose | Scream the Sorrow..


poisonedheart

:: 2011 26 June :: 1.07am

Oh no I'm all drunk.

And Jen is gone for the rest of summer, I probably won't see her again until next summer.

This makes me quite sad =(

Scream the Sorrow..


shalee

:: 2011 25 June :: 2.20pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: Bon Iver

The heart has its reasons that reason does not know.

Scream the Sorrow..


shalee

:: 2011 22 June :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: awake

Those who really love, love in silence.

1 Black Rose | Scream the Sorrow..


shalee

:: 2011 16 June :: 9.36pm
:: Music: Sondre Lerche

[Dan In Real Life]
"Because when you're out there and you're being tossed back and forth by those big dark waves, and you think that you'll never feel land again and that you could just split into a million pieces and just sink down all the way down into the deep... it's the light that keeps us on course; it's the light."

Scream the Sorrow..


poisonedheart

:: 2011 4 June :: 11.26pm

73 days, then iowa

4 Black Roses | Scream the Sorrow..


shalee

:: 2011 31 May :: 9.19pm
:: Mood: contemplative

"I found myself thinking about you tonight on a walk under some makeshift constellations struggling through the light pollution of the city, fleeting thoughts coming and going like New England snowfalls. I want to bear my soul to you in the way that symphonies are written, so that at its completion, my story will have completely enveloped you like B minor at the predawn of a snow-covered day, and you'll realize that there is nothing more painfully right than the overlap of the lines on our palms and all the countless intersections of your eyes and mine."

Scream the Sorrow..


poisonedheart

:: 2011 17 March :: 12.02pm

I got accepted to Iowa State University's College of Design, I am so unbelievably stoked right now.

2 Black Roses | Scream the Sorrow..


poisonedheart

:: 2010 16 November :: 12.13am

I hurt myself today.

The razor's kiss.

I don't even know why I did it.

Just so full of pills I wanted to see what would happen.

The sting was unbelievable, the blood oozing from the fresh slit.

She wanted to kiss my wound, put a band-aid on it.

But all I could think about was more pain.

A lit cigarette, lit no more. A brilliant new burn.

Scream the Sorrow..


poisonedheart

:: 2010 7 July :: 1.34pm

Back started to act up pretty badly while I was helping Jen and Harry clear out that house.

Today the real heavy lifting starts, hopefully I won't get another herniated disc.

Scream the Sorrow..


poisonedheart

:: 2009 19 December :: 1.59pm

Weight loss so far: 10 pounds
Weight left to lose: 41 pounds

Then I can sign up for the USMC delayed entry program.

2 Black Roses | Scream the Sorrow..


poisonedheart

:: 2009 4 November :: 3.08am

I WILL get a job before january, and I WILL move out.

Scream the Sorrow..


poisonedheart

:: 2009 23 June :: 1.32pm

Gonna go work for my uncle Rob at his place just a few minutes south of a canada for a few weeks here soon, gonna do it a few times. Thinking if I can save up enough money I'm gonna send myself on a vacation.

With Travelocity I can get myself a week in Japan for $1250 if I book far enough in advance, add another grand or so on top of that for food, touristy shopping, etc. and I'd have a great time.

Scream the Sorrow..


poisonedheart

:: 2009 15 June :: 1.55am

Meant to post this last night after Donnie Darko, but I was le tired and forgot, but it just came on during shuffle in itunes!


All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me, what's my lesson?
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world, enlarging your world
Mad world

Scream the Sorrow..


poisonedheart

:: 2009 24 May :: 11.23am

No hangover, I AM A GOLDEN GOD!

Scream the Sorrow..

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