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:: 2004 6 August :: 1.33 am
:: Mood: scared

Please don't let it happen...
Something happened yesterday, that might of been a mistake, and now...something else might happen. I'm just so afraid...please God, don't let it happen, please. I haven't told him anything about it yet, I haven't told anyone. Mike was just over, he left about 5 mins. ago...he fell asleep and I couldn't tell him, I could have too...but I chickened out.

Please, please don't let it happen...I'm only 17.

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:: 2004 30 July :: 3.39 pm
:: Mood: kinda sad

It's been a while since I've been on here last. Guess I just can't keep up with it as well as I had hoped.

I haven't been up to much since I last updated. Although this week I volunteered at my church...yes, I volunteered. I'm one of the art teachers for their Vacation Bible School thing, but I also do the games there too. Today's my last day, Thank God. These past 4 days have shown me that...I really don't want a kid when I'm older.

And I haven't done much else but hang out with Mike...which in fact, he's helped me with the church thing too...yep, he actually went to church, kinda. He has to work 8 more hours just so he was able to get off early yesterday and help me. That was sweet of him...but of course I had to do something wrong. We had a little spat, but it passed. I still feel bad about him having to work all this week because of me. But anyway, other than that he usually just comes over and hangs out all day, or if it's not too early get ready for work at my house.

Recently I stumbled on to a web site of Billy's. I'm guessing he just put it up, it's an art site of his. But anyway, there was a contest on there to name one of his paintings, and I entered. I didn't want him to know it was me, so I created a new yahoo account and entered, and won. I didn't expect to win...I just wanted to talk to him I guess. But when he e-mailed me asking for my personal info, I had replied hinting at who I was...but yahoo turned out to be an ass because in the "From" column it shows my full yea, he knows who I am now. But he's talking to me now...well, not right now. He's working on another site. He seems kinda different now though...or maybe he just doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Any minute now he'll say he has to go, and that he'll talk to me later, but it'll be another month or two when he signs on next...and it'll only be for a few minutes. Maybe I'm just looking too far into it...but he just seems so distant now...

Ok change of subject, what else is new? Dad's wanting to move to North Carolina. But he knows that I don't want to since I'm almost 18, I don't have to. I guess if me and Mike are ok, we'll move in together, he's mentioned it a few times. But if not I have no where else to go, I'd either have to go with them, or find a place by myself, which I don't wanna do...

I guess that's about it. I'm not feeling very well right now, I'm just feeling a little down (it comes and you care) So I guess this is where I'll end this entry. If there's anything else I forgot, I'll try and add it later...but I'll probably just forget it by then. Oh well. Until then, bye.


Yep, I'm back, and I can just picture the smile on your face...yea, right. Well, I thought of more to add and I can't sleep, so what the hell, why not?

On Aug. 8 Mike will be going to Tampa for 2 weeks (yep, 2 whole weeks) to see his mom. I'm going to miss him like crazy. This is gunna suck...and I'm going to be starting school while hes gone too...damn. Oh yea, I start again Aug. 11th...wonderful.

Also, today was the last day of that church thing...which sucked. The kids were just so out of control today. Since today was the last day we had all the games out from this week. Lots and lots of stuff. After my 4 classes me and some of the other volunteers put everything away, which took awhile. After that was done and over I went and sat done in the closing ceremony thing. I was called up to stage to help pass out prizes and stuff like that. Well, during that Kim (the one in charge) asked me if I had all the games set up. Heh...what? She said after this the parents are going out for cake and refreshments and to keep the kids busy they can play games. Ok, it's 9 at night, these kids don't need to be playing now. But I didn't wanna be a bother so I said fine and went to get everything and a few more volunteers came to help me. While we're setting up my mom comes to pick me up (with 2 of our dogs, one in each arm....great). So at this point my head is pounding because I'm out of my medicine and I'm tired and all sweaty, and all the other volunteers my age are screwing around with the games making a mess before the little kids can. So I just tell mom screw this, there's 8 kids out here to help and a bunch of adult volunteers, they don't need me, lets go. So we just got up and left. I just don't like kids now...before I could tolerate them...but now, just no.

But I think that's it now. I'm really tired so I'm going to bed, I gotta take my year book pictures tomorrow (seniors get special pictures, yay me). I'll try and update more if I can, so until then, bye.

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:: 2004 10 July :: 3.07 pm
:: Mood: awake

Great fucking day...
Well, here's another entry...not too much to put in it though...hmm lets see...

After Ashley told the guy about me and my boyfriend, Mike and I wanted to know his reaction...we thought it'd be funny. Turns out when she told him he was a little sad but he still thought I was pretty and nice, and still wanted to hang out (huh?...) And that one night while I was with Mike, she called to see if I wanted to go...the guy would have came out and picked me up and everything (I don't think so...). Oh and she tells me that he's back with his ex, who used to be in engaged to, and that she's 3 months pregnant. Yep, and then I found out he has gotten 2 other girls pregnant (and Ashley wanted me to go out with him!? oh fuck no). So, yea that was pretty interesting...

I'm also not allowed to see Mike this weekend, but maybe if I'm good they'll cut my sentencing short. Thursday Mike was over, and our curfew (for him being over at night) is until 1 am. Well....he didn't leave until about 3...and it turns out Mom and Dad weren't too happy about it. I miss him...I just wanna hold him right now. I've had things running through my head and I just need him near me.

I got to see Spiderman 2 Thursday too. It was good. It was more of a love story though, but I can't wait for the next one.

I think that's about it...can't think of anything else, but if I do I'll add it on later. Until then all, bye byes.


Well, I'm back. It's 1:13 am and I have more to add and I can't hell, why not just add it now?

Today sucked...I had things running through my mind. Things I didn't wanna think about...things that hurt, and they got to me today, and it drove me crazy.

Then later today my church was having a good-bye party for my pastor and his wife (they're moving) I didn't wanna go, but then Mike said he might go so he can see me...well then I thought if he goes, I should go, because I really wanted to see him, I needed to see him. Well, turns out he didn't go, he said church wasn't his thing. Ok, I wont make him go. But I sat outside for half an hour hoping he'd just drive anyway...I never saw his car so I was heading back in, but I didn't wanna be around all those people so I just sat in the car listening to music...and then more bad thoughts. I hate my head sometimes.

When I got home I called Mike, but then Mom wanted to go to Wal-mart, and Mike asked if he could come with us. I wasn't sure about him coming because he just hurt his feet pretty bad (screwed up his ankle and there's a gash on his other foot, it hurts to walk on) anyway, he said he'd go anyway. So I go ask if he can come and she says yes, but when I get back on the phone something suddenly comes up and he can't go. I never told him (and he'll find out now) but that kinda pissed me off. The thoughts were getting to me, and I broke down once today...I just needed him there so badly, and it turns out I couldn't have that. So, I got off the phone and we went to Wal-mart, and I couldn't stand still...I had to go walk around or something. But then things actually got a little better. I was in line with my Mom and I told her that "I keep thinking he'll (Mike) just come anyway" and not even a minuet later my Mom smiles and says "your wish just came true." I turn around and he's walking (well, limping) up to me. God, it felt so, so good to just hug him. That was the first time I smiled all day. After we paid I went home and talked to him on the phone, and in fact he's on the phone now.

I think that's about it. Oh wait, I'm having a disagreement with dad about Mike. He thinks I'm moving away from the family because I'm always with him, and that he's going to pull me away from my religion and just things like that. Gee thanks dad, that brightened my day.

Well, I'm tired and I think that's about it. I'll try and update tomorrow, so until then, bye.

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:: 2004 7 July :: 4.31 pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: none...Mike's on the phone

Well, not too much going on today, but yesterday was pretty interesting...

Yesterday Ashley wanted to hang out...which, in her language, means hey wanna come meet my friend? I didn't really wanna meet him but I figured I should go so I can tell Ash about Mike, my Mike (Oh yea, I didn't tell you...the guy she was trying to "hook me up with" was named Mike too) So, yea...she came and got me around 4:30 and we went to get something to eat, and she told me that the guy was at work and didn't get off until 11...and I had planned on being home by 9, 9:30 so I can be with Mike (only Ash didn't know...I wanted to play it off like Mom was pissed and wanted me home). So, I figured I wouldn't even get to meet him...good. But no, ohhhh no...of course not. He calls their cell, and he's on a lunch break...and they want to bring me to meet him, oh crap. Well, then we go over to where he works...Publix. And he's moving his car so we just walk up to say hi really quick..and he fed me some line...probably from a movie. He stared at me and said "God, you're beautiful..." then I felt bad...because I have a boyfriend, who I care for very much...and I'm here, meeting this other guy.
Well, we go inside and get a few things, and he's in the store by now and this is when I find out that I'm taller then him...Now, I'm not racist or anything and I think relationships are based on more then appearances...but I think I would of felt awkward if I was taller, maybe just a thing I have...but anyway, me and him never really got to talk. He tried to get my number so we could, but thank God Ashley interrupted real quick and told him he could call her cell to talk or something. And..well, that was about it. Then we went to Erik's new house and hung out for a bit.

I tried to tell Ash about Mike. I would try and get on the topic of him, and then hoped I'd get to it, but I never really did.

Well, Mom called around 9, asking why I wasn't home and I just played along and stuff like that...but no one really could drive me home. Crap, and they're talking about going to the pool with this kid, and hanging out when he gets off. So I call Mike...maybe he could come get me. The first time I called I got his answering machine. But then Mom called back, telling me to call Mike, he'll come and get me. So I called him and he had already turned around and was on his way...he didn't sound happy. He wasn't too thrilled about me meeting the guy, and who could blame him? And to top it off he started out with a crappy day.

Well, we gave him directions and he came and got me...and dammit I chickened out on telling Ash...crap. But on the way home Mike gave me his cell and told me to tell her...and I did. And it wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be, and everything's fine now. So, me and him went back to my house and we got to hang out for the rest of the night.

I missed him so much though...while we were in the car I know he wasn't in the best of moods but I couldn't help but smile when I looked at him. I thought of him all day..and the kid's name being Mike too didn't help. Just I had some things running through my mind and I was happy to be with him today.

Today after work he's gunna try and stop by again, that'll be good.

Hmm, what else? Oh...crap, I lost my wallet. I brought it with me yesterday and I think I dropped it in her mom's car. Shit, I hope no one takes my money. I only have $30 something in there...but still, it's my money.

Anyway, I think that's about it...If I think of anything else I'll add it on later. Maybe Mike will add some later too when he's over...until then, byes.

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:: 2004 5 July :: 1.41 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Danny playing guitar

Happy 4th of July...hmm, I'm a little late...
Well, as you can see from my shitty excuse for a title today (or should I say yesterday?) is (was) the 4th of July. I had really wanted to stay home while my parents and Dan went down to my Aunt's. I wanted to hang out with Mike...what else is new?...they said no, but they said he was more then welcomed to come with us. Well, he had to work til if I wanted to see him today he would have to go down to my Aunt's...hmm, but how to pull it off. It took a while but I convinced my parents to let me stay home until Mike gets off work, and we'd meet them there. So, my parents left around 1, and Mike got here around 6:30.

It wasn't as bad as I was afraid it would be. But he was a little uncomfortable. Hell, I wouldn't blame him, I would be too. We got home around 12:30, and he had to leave at 1 (am)

I didn't want him to go home...I just like being with him. I feel's been awhile, I had almost forgotten how it felt. I like when he smiles though...can't help but smile back. This probably sounds so corny...but oh well, I don't know how else to word it. There's something almost magical about him (shut up, don't laugh). Whenever I think of him, he somehow appears. Be it him showing up to my house, an e-mail, or an unexpected phone call. It's nice...

Anyway, what else? Oh Ashley is trying to "hook me up" with this new guy she met...oh God. That means I have to tell her about me and Mike...crap.

I should call Tiffany again tomorrow. I haven't tried calling her again since last time. We should hang out or something.

What else?...nothing really...haven't seen Spiderman 2 yet. Mike's been busy with work though, so it's no big deal.

Hmm, I think that's about it, so I'm gunna go...gotta call Mike anyway, until then all, bye.

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:: 2004 2 July :: 11.47 pm
:: Mood: pissed off

You don't get a damn subject
Well, today sucked...Danny left to go to one of his friend's house and I was stuck alone...that was boring. And plus I had a lot on my mind and that kinda pissed me off. Hmm...what's else? Oh yea and today me and mom had a bit of a disagreement today. There was something I wanted to do, but she and dad wouldn't allow it because "It wasn't right", and then did not explain why. It just insulted me, and my mom trys to make up by buying me a case of vanilla Frappuccinos....pfft, I'm still upset I couldn't go...I really wanted to. I like being with Mike, and I think it would of done me some good to get away and all.

Let's see...anything I'm leaving out? oo! I got to see a little home movie type thing of Mike when he was in 5th grade. It was the Nutcracker..but only they changed for an Easter theme instead of Christmas. Hehehe...only now I told him I'd show him one of my videos...dammit. There's always a catch.

Well, I got Mike on the phone right now, and I wanna talk to's only been an hour (not even) that I last saw him, and already I wish he was here. Well, I'm gunna go talk to him, bye.

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:: 2004 1 July :: 11.45 pm
:: Mood: alright
:: Music: Slipknot-The Virus of Life

Mohawk Puppy...
I meant to update last night but I never got around to it. But not a whole lot has happened really...

I just got home from Mike's around 11, and now I'm just kinda hanging out..little boring, but oh well. Tomorrow we're going to see Spiderman 2, I heard it was good. I wanna see. I hope the rest of tomorrow goes well...hmm.

I called Tiffany today, but I couldn't get a hold of her. I hope she's not mad or anything...I feel like shit for leaving her hanging like that. I should invite her to sleep over, or something, ya know?

I also talked to Ashley today for a bit. She still doesn't know about Mike...good. Although, she did mention him. She asked if I still hung out with him, but she also got him confused with the other Mike (the bad remember, don't ya?.....well you should, that twerp)

Hmm, what else? oh my dog, Rollie, now has a blue mohawk. Yep. My mom shaved him and when I got home he had a little mohawk, it's cute. So I went out and got some food coloring and mixed it with a little bit of gel...and now it's blue. The next day I dyed Precious' hair too (Dan's dog) I dyed the tips of her ears and tail red, but dying the tail wasn't a good idea. She put her tail in-between her legs before it could dry and for the first just didn't look right. can picture it.

We're also having a bit of family troubles. My Aunt went to the doctor and they found a tumor the size of a baseball in her stomach. Cory's mom, who is like family to us, doctors had found another tumor in her and it's terminal. They operate tomorrow to ease the pain and find out how long she has. I feel so bad...I've known her since forever. She's just such a sweet person, her and my Aunt both. And I know something's wrong with my dad...he just wont go to the doctors. I wish he would. He's been having a shit load of problems lately. Last time he had to leave for only 5 months and hurt...I couldn't handle it if he was gone for good.

Well, I'm gunna listen to some music and hang out for a bit then head for bed. I'll try and keep up on the updates...maybe Mike'll get one in soon. Until then all, bye bye.

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:: 2004 27 June :: 6.18 pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: I want my shit- ICP

I'm home
Well, I'm finally home. That week went by kinda fast (well, not for Mike) but I'm happy to be back. I missed Mike too much. I have him over right now.

The other day Danny tried this SkyVenture thing. It's a sky diving simulation. It actually looked pretty cool, and I was going to try it today, but time wasn't on my side and I couldn't. Oh well, maybe next time.

I received an...interesting comment today. And I know who it's from, you know who you are. That was uncalled for, and you know it. C'mon now...

And I do have a job Prick...

Ok, no more fighting....enough.

Now, what else?...Hopefully tomorrow Mike'll have off work, that way we can spend all day together, to make up for lost time. Well, I think that's about it...I'm gunna go not, I don't wanna spend the rest of the day on here...besides Dan wants to get online. Until then, byes.

~Mike~, and Amanda

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:: 2004 26 June :: 4.41 pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: some stupid shit they play at work

Fuck it all...
Yes today is another shitty day. For some reason i had a hard time sleeping last night. By the time i got to sleep it was 4 in the morning and i had only a few hours to sleep before work. I left my aloe ice with lidocane at work so when i woke up i was hurting like hell with no relief. i found a snake in the pool when i let the dog out, So i put it in a bucket and watched it try to climb out. Then i put a bunch of pool chemicals and bleach in the bucket and watched the snake cry and squirm. that was fun when his skin melted off and blood started to fill the liquid it was cool the snake started off blackish brown and turned white. Needless to say that helped brighten my morning. I got to work and then as soon as i timed in customers down my throat about needing their tanks filled and needing some stupid shit for their kid and more holy hell then yesterday. So i grabbed my lotion and put it on before starting to help people and came close to pounding a few in the ground. But racquel decided to take over and give me a break before i got in trouble...

Well i hope amanda is doing better then i am right now cause this day has just been shitty and i dont want to be here anymore, I want to kill. Either the people or myself not to sure yet.. Now watch you people comment like oh my god i cant believe he said that. . Well fuck that shit you all go through only 10% of what i have in my life then come talk to me im out for now...

"Heaven may forgive you of your sins' But i wont"

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:: 2004 25 June :: 9.53 pm
:: Mood: tired

I still miss Mike...
What a long day. Today we went to Downtown Disney and then headed over to Universal Studios again. We didn't go back on the Mummy though...pfft I'm not waiting 70 minuets for that, fuck it. So we headed over to Earthquake...God I love that ride. Last time I was on it, our tour guide person was named John, and today we got him again. When he walked out me, Dan, and Bean all yelled out his name and he was surprised to see us I guess. Well, he picked me for a volunteer (the captain/sailor) and Bean got picked for the weather person. It was fun...I never get tired of that ride.

Well, after that we didn't do much but to make it up to Bean for missing the Mummy, me, her and Dan hopped over to the other park and got on Dueling Dragons (fire, this time) since she hasn't been on that one...only ice. She loved it.

Right now it's storming, so the pool is out of the question...and I also shouldn't be on here long.

Hmm...what else?....Dan won me a Puss in Boots plush toy....hmm, and I got this...light up...thing. I dunno what it's called.

God, I miss Mike. I thought about him all today. And after reading his entry I know he's having a shitty day. I hope it's gotten better by now. Cheer up hun, I still love you, *kiss*. And Sunday isn't that far away anymore. I can't wait to see you!

Well, I'm hungry and tired so I'm going to end this here and call Mike in a bit. Until then all, bye byes.

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:: 2004 25 June :: 4.25 pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: none

not like anyone reads this
Well today has been going straight to hell. I woke up hurting more then ever from this fucking sunburn. My mind has not been at ease since amanda has been gone. My work is shitty and customers have been giving me shit all day. They want me to work seven fucking days in a row. Fuck them at the pay i get they lucky i show up for four days in a row let alone a week. the day is only half over here at work as i do not get off till 9 fucking hell i hate everything that is near me right now ill update more when i can if amanda adds on thats cool. If not youll see more of me when i get access to another computer after killing people.


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:: 2004 24 June :: 11.27 pm
:: Mood: loved

I miss Mike...
Well, it's Thursday and I just got out of the pool. I have Mike on the phone right now, it's so nice to hear his voice.

Today we went back to Islands of Adventure and I finally got Bean on Dueling Dragons, she liked it. Other then that my day kinda sucked. I've been really depressed/angry and I don't know why...well except now. I feel fine now that I'm talking to Mike.

Yesterday me and Bean went and saw had it's moments but other then that it kinda sucked.

Hmm...there's not much else. I just can't wait til I get home. I just want to be with Mike right now...atleast see him. After feeling the way that I did today, I need it. Talking to him on the phone today is, I think, the only thing that put a true smile on my face.

Tomorrow we might go back to Universal Studios, which is fine...I wanna go back on the Mummy, that was fun.

Well, I guess that's about it, so I'll end this here and finish my call with Mike. Until then all, bye.

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:: 2004 24 June :: 1.59 pm
:: Mood: sore
:: Music: Taproot-Poem

Sun sucks
Well im back at work able to update. It's mike for those who wish to know. Or for those who dont care and i wish to annoy. Well when i got home i realised i was really badly sunburnt. So today i went to work to get aloe ice with lidocane. Well after putting a thick layer all over my burn i read do not use large amounts at a time. Needless to say my body has been numb and i have been feeling about weird since then.

Well i got to talk to amanda last night, We actually talk every night she is gone though i wish she was here. Its only thursday and she dont get back to sunday. i miss her so much. i really want her back. when she gets back im going to hold her tight and not let go for hours.. Which this is not normally like me. Other relationships they went out of town its like hey shit happens. But with amanda its diffrent. I hate being away from her i feel like im about to snap agian if i dont see her soon. But i must wait till sunday. Well its time for lunch so i guess she will add on to this later..

"Never criticize someone till you walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you do you are a mile away and have their shoes"


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:: 2004 23 June :: 3.44 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Slipknot-Only one

Not sure whats going on anymore
Well this time its mike. Im actually updating considering i got to the computer at work after we went on a dive. yeah i went scuba diving so sue me. Yeah i bet i miss amanda more then she misses me. And reading about her aunt talking to her about the religion diffrence i wonder if they even have any clue what my religion is. They havent seen my necklace or my tattoo. Oh well i dont think they know what i am.

Well i guess amanda can upgrade this later im out for now.


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:: 2004 22 June :: 12.14 pm
:: Mood: just woke up

Boo, I win
I had planned on updating last night but I just couldn't, so I thought I'd do it now. It's only 12:15 right now. It's my 4th day here and I'm happy about getting away and having fun but I still miss Mike so much...this sucks. I can't stop thinking of him...and I'm running out of minuets to talk to him on the cell...crap. I can't wait to go home and just be with him.

Well, yesterday we went to Islands of Adventure and went on all the rides we wanted to. At first all the rides had a wait of atleast 30 minuets...but then later in the day they all dropped to around 10. Especially Dueling Dragons...we literally walked on...then the second time we ran on...and then next few times was the same...but maybe that's because we cut...hmm. Turns out that right when you get off the ride there's a door to your left that says "Do Not Enter"...we entered and it leads you right to the head of the line. I love that's so much fun. Bean chickened out and wouldn't go on it...but if we go back Thursday she said she might go on because she turned out to like the Hulk.

Anyway, by the time we got back me, Dan, and Bean were soaking wet...and it's really cold in this room, I might add. So we all changed and hopped on down to the pool. When I got back and took a shower I finally got to talk to Mike again. I miss him...

Today, we're going to Universal Studios. I don't remember there being water rides I think I'm good. I wanna try out that new roller coaster, The Mummy...or whatever it's called.

Hmm, I can't think of what else to I guess that's about it. Mike might come on either today or tomorrow, depending on if he can get to a computer or not, and add to this entry or just put his own in. So, until then, byes.


It's 10:26 and I just got home about 10 minutes ago...oh my feet hurt.

Today, like I said before, we went to Universal Studios. It was fun. We got to go on the new Revenge of the Mummy coaster. It was cool, I recommend it. We went on it twice.

After that we went on earthquake...I never get tired of that ride. Every time we go me and Dan have fun and make friends with the instructors or tour guide...or whatever they call them there. I also was a volunteer again, except this time I was the stunt person. I've never done that one before. I must have done well because my Grandma (Omi) thought it was real, and that I really had to jump. For those of you who haven't been on this ride, they pick volenteers from the audiencce to demonstrate how they do some of the stunts for movies. And my part was to make it look like I jump from a ledge but it backfires or something. Really I'm just back stage and after the dummy falls you stagger on stage and just have fun with it. Last time I was the captain to the U-571 sub.

Anywho, what else? Hmm...I miss Mike like crazy, but you knew that by now, right? Oh, and my parents know about us...I never told them but me and my mom were talking and she told me she knew...she just didn't know it was for about 3 weeks now. Well, since they know...they told my Aunt and Uncle. So this morning my Aunt and I had a little chat. She told me about her and my uncle when they were dating, and how at first they couldn't get married because they weren't the same religion and had different beliefs, and how my uncle became a Christian and things like that. Meaning that it's fine I'm dating him but they really want me to marry a Christian guy. Whoa now, I'm only 17...I don't wanna hear about marrage and things like that, it's just too early. Geez., yea. I miss Mike like crazy. I wish he was here...I can't wait to get home to him. I also promised him we'd go see Spider-man 2 when it comes out, can't wait to see that movie, it looks good.

Tomarrow we're just gunna hang out at the timeshare and then maybe catch a movie or something. Then Wednesday and Thursday we go back to the parks and catch the rides we missed.

Well, I think that about it. I'm gunna give Mike a call around 11, and it's 10:50 now (God, I miss him.....sorry, but I do!) So I guess I'll end this entry here. Until then all, byes.

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