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:: 2006 7 February :: 3.38 pm

I don't wanna be nice only gives trouble. People start cutting themselves and theres nothing I can do about it. If I leave them alone they will do it even faster, so I'll just have to sit there watch them do it. ITS NOT A FUCKING JOKE TO CUT YOURSELF! You goddamn cowards...if you wanna kill yourself FINE!! I'm done with this shit. You bunch of pathetic motherfuckers thinking OOoooo everything is so bad!!!!! GET A FUCKING HOLD OF YOURSELF...that's life and it sucks. Get over it and move one goddamnit. Do you think everyone else is having the time of their life? Hell fuck yeah some do but there are also lotsa who'd wanna do the same as you and give up but they don't....that's why you suck and they don't. Do you understand that?? DO YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND THAT?! I don't think you do. Fuck you.


:: 2006 1 February :: 11.14 pm
:: Music: Chevelle - Send the Pain Below

It's been some time since I've felt so shit. Just wished I was somewhere else right now away from all the shit that's going on. No more worries. I'm going crazy from daily routines, but people say I just gotta do it. It's not just.....
It's so much like suffocating. Just go no freedom to breath and I need that so much. People sometimes tell me how great I am. It doesn't make sense. I love it when I get e-mails from Gaby, but I miss her so much. People say emo's are fucking cry babies...why isn't it allowed to cry? Do I just gotta suck it up? Sure I can suck it up and take it out on those motherfuckers who keeps saying shit that crying isn't allowed. I'll rip their fucking hearts out and scream at them so long till I lose my fucking voice. Something like that is inside me waiting to come out. I'm gonna do something sometime but I don't know what. I'm scared. What is gonna happen. It felt good to hear that Gaby actually skipped a day of school, maybe cause I skip school sometimes aswell. If she does it to then it doesn't seem to bad to skip school either and it just takes away a bit of my guilt. Because I care what she does and thinks makes me realize that I love her. Not on purpose, un-aware. I'll love her no matter what.
Are dreams really dreams if you can't even remember them? I'd love to remember a dream again. At least something nice that happens, it doesnt have to be real or making sense...just for that little while something nice, and I'd enjoy it so much. At least something nice in all this shit. A deep breath.


:: 2006 29 January :: 1.24 am
:: Music: Matchbook Romance - Monster

DUDE! I am stuffed! I had way too much coke and chicken nuggets...damn those things fill fast not to mention the other fast food crap. I know I know its all bad for my health but I can't be bothered right now.
One thing I hate the most at the moment. That Gaby isn't with me.
I love someone who ain't here. It sucks...

Ah well. Good night.


:: 2006 23 January :: 8.20 am

.....I didnt sleep THAT good. You know what sucks about sleeping? You gotta wake up again aswell. I hate mornings, my room is cold, and my bed is so warm...mmhmm...and then you gotta get up and go to school!!! I guess it's normal I guess....blah.... dude I missed my bus by the way o.O... not so kewl. This week is gonna be important, I'll get new project. It's called "Safe School". Me and my project members have to design a website that will include certain theme's, subjects and interviews from people in school. We got like 8 weeks for that. I guess at the end of the project Gaby will be back in Switzerland. This project shouldn't be that cause it's just one least so I hope... So I can focus all my attention on that one project =) Should a piece a cake. Just gotta get some workshops, start brainstorming et voilį! I'll do my best this time, better to finish it as fast as possible then to wait till the last moment =P But the teachers told us that you won't be able to do much practical work in the start. So anyway I hope this day won't be to bad, the new project group is gonna exist out of 2 people I already know and 1 person I dont know yet, so it shouldn't be THAT dramatic. God I hate these mondays... Ah well I'm awake now. I really need to go to bed earlier....damn that World of Warcraft.

2 YA RLY! | O RLY?

:: 2006 22 January :: 11.43 pm

My tummy hurts, but I feel good, I talked to Gaby, she didnt feel so sad anymore, thats good, i dont like to see her sad, not like omg why does she have to be sad again psh...but more that i feel sorry for her feeling sad that kinda "i dont like to see her sad" know what i mean? No of course you dont.....Im not suprised no one does...ah well....bed gonna sleep soooooooo goood.


:: 2006 21 January :: 8.58 am


Or are you too fucking stupid to hate me?

I am worth $1,780,018 on

:: Update :: 7:42 pm

She read my e-mail today and she didn't like all. I hurted her feelings by telling what I was thinking. I just need to learn to keep my fucking mouth shut for once. What the fuck is wrong with me?! I wouldn't have mind if she would have gotten pissed off at me, but she was so sad... I could just shoot myself at that moment. Everytime I think about suicide I always here her voice saying "I don't wanna lose you". How can she like me still. God, I just wish I didn't say all the things I thought then I wouldn't hurt her feelings. I hate myself. Why do I gotta be so dumb, so fucking ignorant SO FUCKED UP AT EVERYTHING! I am so not good enough for her... I knew she wasn't gonna like the e-mail but still I e-mailed her. What was I thinking!!! I'm so sorry right now.

P.S. For the asses who read this and think "OMG what a cry baby!". You have no idea what your talking about cause the only thing you probably do is shagging every single person in the clubs you go to and not caring whatever the fuck happens to them next aslong as you can get laid.

Paranoid Disorder:Very High
Schizoid Disorder:Very High
Schizotypal Disorder:Very High
Antisocial Disorder:High
Borderline Disorder:Moderate
Histrionic Disorder:Low
Narcissistic Disorder:Moderate
Avoidant Disorder:High
Dependent Disorder:Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:Moderate

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --
-- Personality Disorders --


:: 2006 19 January :: 12.10 am
:: Music: Alkaline Trio - Burn

Alkaline Trio - Burn

There's a lightning storm each and every night
Crashing inside you like motorbikes
We toss and turn, sleep so loud
Grind the teeth in our empty mouths
Our empty

There's a forest fire burning bright
Spreading quickly towards our last rights
Nowhere to run, pointless to hide
Just lay there and scream, pretending to try

Intending to burn, pretending to fight it
Everyone learns faster on fire
Things took a turn, lost all desire
You live and you burn
You live and you burn

This impending doom is left deep inside
And it's haunting you each and every night
Like starving wolves, counting sheep
We close our eyes, pretending to sleep

Intending to burn, pretending to fight it
Everyone learns faster on fire
Things took a turn, lost all desire
You live and you burn
You live and...

Like hell, we are anxiously waiting
Like hell burning silently strong
Somehow we fell down by the wayside
And somehow this hell is home

As we burn, pretending to fight it
Everyone learns faster on fire
Things took a turn, lost all desire
You live and you burn
You live and
Like hell, we are anxiously waiting
Like hell burning silently strong
Somehow we fell down by the wayside
And somehow this hell is home
Right now, this hell is my home

O RLY? | Random Journal