:: 2004 21 August :: 9.43 pm

thanks to the people who respond to my journal =)) i really appreciate your comments.
it sux working with someone who doesn't really like you. this girl jatauna doesn't really like me i don't think...i think she thinks im stuck up. she showed me how to make a mini ice cream sundae, the "right way". and i didn't do what she said because i thought her sundae didn't have enough ice cream in it. it was like the size of a golf ball...so i just kept making them my way. and whenever she shows me something, she says, do you wanna learn how to do it the "right way"? with the attitude like she's always better at what she does because as she says, i know, i've worked here for 6 months. so i don't like working with her much...
a customer walked out on me today. i was trying to read her order back to her to make sure i got it right. and she got confused because she was trying to order a second thing. then she got really frustrated, threw down the menu and walked out. it made me feel kinda shitty. so did my feet at the end of the day...
coming home sux...it reminds me of what im missing...chiara and i went to a house party last night. it was fun, but it felt kinda empty because i kept thinking of him...wishing he was there. i miss him in everything i do...
im really looking forward to china...

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:: 2004 19 August :: 2.35 pm

so i have this mysterious commentor who responds to my entries every so often. i think i would like to know who you are...but then i don't know if i really would. if i do, i may or may not respect your opinion as much, know what i mean? but i think i'd just like to know if i know you, or if you're a someone i don't know who likes my journal? that would be a great help. and i know you're reading this, so don't pretend to ignore this question ;)
anyway...i think things are looking more upward around here. being away from the house for a couple days definitely helped...but there are surely moments when i fall into that hole again, but with each day, it becomes easier to come back out. promising, really.
so i've come to the conclusion that the thing we call love is really not much more than an addiction...an addiction to the way the other person makes you feel, an addiction to the things they do, the way they are...perhaps, the movie "what the bleep are we talking about?" may help clarify that seemingly negativist thought. i've never really believed in love...maybe that's just my justification, but everything seems to fit into this definition of this illusion that so many of us have suffered withdrawals from...love hurts, so does withdrawing from an addiction...oooo shiiiit...

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:: 2004 17 August :: 3.36 pm
:: Mood: *sigh*

what's goin on, guys??? like, seriously. what's happening to our circle of friends?? perhaps, today was just one of those days. lo, bini, kase, ritu, and i went downtown to starbucks, after the camping trip and beach plans both fell through. we just weren't really there though. maybe because it was a hot, scorchy day. but we were all kinda bummy and no one seemed too excited about anything.
maybe it's just the chemistry that goes wrong when we're missing people like kat and mel. i dunno. maybe because the group is incomplete? i'd like to think that, but i'd also like to think that the 5 of us can still have a lot of fun...especially since lo brought "her" dog sunny too. =)) she's a cutie pie.
hopefully ritu will feel better and kasey won't be mad and bini will feel more accepted and lo...well, she can just be lo, and i'll say more stupid things to make everyone happy. but people are leaving for school soon. i think this summer, we've all drifted apart just a little bit...and part of my anxiousness to get everyone out doing stuff is cuz i know the following summers won't be any better...you know? that's just what college does...i feel like my whole life is falling apart right now...it wants to change, but i don't want it to!!!!

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:: 2004 16 August :: 1.05 pm

happy birthday to my daddy!!! YAYAYAAY!!
*****
a not-so-sober conversation at kasey's last night:
FU: so...what do you wanna do...do you wanna watch a movie or something?
LO: mmmm...no...not really. i'll probably fall asleep or something...unless there were like, 100 people or something.
FU: so you're saying im not as exciting and fun as 100 people?
LO: well...yeah.
FU: awww...that sux dude (fu is sad).
LO: you make up maybe like, 5%.
FU: what the...
LO: you'd be as fun as 5 people...but not 100.
FU: o, so if there were 4 people in a group and then there was me, you'd hang out with me.
lLO: yeah.
FU: but if there were 6 people, you'd hang out with them.
LO: yeah. but they'd have to all be 1% people.
FU: huh?
LO: see, you're a 5% person. someone like a stranger on the street would be like a 1% person and my mom's like, 8% and scott's like 30%...
FU: so, you'd need 6 of me to be as fun as scott (5% x 6 = 30%)
LO: yup.
FU: and assuming that those 100 people are all 1% people, you'd need like, 20 of me to keep you from falling asleep during a movie.
LO: uh huh.
FU: can i be like, 5.8%?
LO: NOOO!
FU: pleeeeeasssseee.....!!!!
LO: ok you can be like...6%.
FU: WOOHU!!

apparently, im only 6% to lauren...as fun as 6 1% strangers. but if 2 other friends of hers were 4% people each, she'd hang out with them instead of me because they would make up 8%...and i'd only be 6%. sux, but hey.

this is our new philosophy. what % person are you to someone you know? questions? comments? let me know =))

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:: 2004 15 August :: 9.46 pm

work kinda sucked today...just a little more than usual. usually it's ok. it was long...8 hours and slow in the beginning. i had little to do. and you know what that means. the soundtrack that was playing over and over again didn't help either...it was all familiar songs...lovefool, dido, goo goo dolls...songs that i'd put on the cds i made.
i don't know where my mind was today but it wasn't at ghiradelli...i broke a glass, messed up a few orders, forgot to put hot fudge on a hot fudge sundae, cut myself on the shake machine...sigh...
what sux even more is knowing that im prolly the only one still feeling the aftermath of it all...if im not, i don't know think i'll ever know neways. so i just assume that i am. anything unrequited sux.
im sorry for the few that i promised to upload pictures for. i can't look at them right now...for a while.
looking forward to kc's tonight...i know drinking will not solve anything, but it sure helps temporarily. and for me right now, any temporary remedy is a relief. friends are good.
i need to get away for the next week. camping plans didn't work out so well...as i thought they might now. does anyone still wanna go camping with me...? or take a road trip somewhere...? take me away from this place. please.

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:: 2004 15 August :: 12.42 pm
:: Mood: achy

and so i write with a heavy heart...i am back...alone...it was nice seeing my friends tonight...company is always good when coping with a broken heart...because it's always the silence that awaits to take advantage of your mind...similarly, work is good as well. im making money and it helps keep my mind off what i think about when i get home...
needless to say, this past week has been fun...though not much happened, it was nice just being in la, just being there...though no part of me wishes that i never went back, it sure does make it harder to come back to this house...
he called me today as he was heading for the airport...left a message when i didn't hear my phone...the sound of his voice was comforting. i called back...he sounded so close...but he was so far away, and now farther away still.
i like to think that i can make myself stop crying...hell, i've always been able to do it. hold a stone face as i have suffered broken hearts and in turn have broken so many precious to me...i felt the minimal aftermath of it all...i thought maybe i was just like that...thought that maybe i wasn't as sensitive and easily affected by what has caused grief and pain to other...i was just able to evade the pains of love for its joys...when i had a free moment, i would maybe stop to reminisce but it never impacted me to a great degree...tears were shed, but they never lasted very long...
and i CAN stop myself from crying...just by thinking like that. it's relatively easy for me to do since that's been my strategy all along...think: what's it matter neways, life goes on, i'll find someone else as will the other person...then turn a cold shoulder on the situation because there is so many more important things in life...
that's what i did today as i drove to work and listened to his voice over 500 miles...tried to hardest to look at the situation in a different light in a quick attempt to salvage "professional" appearance...but not before i wiped away the tear that managed to escape my unwillingness to get back into that dreadful mode...
despite that, after everything i've been through, i think i've opened up my heart much more and know more of what im looking for in life...and of course the good comes with the bad...and in giving my heart more knowingly, more wholly...i also need to accept the inevitable losses that come with it...and until now, i have never truly experienced its full effects...
i'd like to stop. stop it. i force myself sometimes. then, it becomes a constant dull aching that screams to be released...and i let it go when it gets too much...i feel like im constantly living on the edge of something...it feels good to let go, but then it soon starts to make me feel very very sick and it's gets so much that im tempted so much to just stay in blissful ignorance and be quick to erase it from my mind.
and this time...if i could, i would...in a broken heartbeat...

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:: 2004 5 August :: 7.05 pm
:: Mood: not ready

so today marks the beginning of the end...i wasn't ready yet for today, to be honest...it came up so much faster than i expected...doesn't it always though? im done with summer school, yoga...and now in a hour, im off to board a plane to LA. i'll be down there for about a week...and then it'll be gone. some part of me wants today to drag on forever so that the next week will never have to continue...and end...
so i chilled, i relaxed...in a nice hot bath with candles and a mix of all my favorite songs...baths are quite an experience, actually...they release so much tension and stress. so now im relaxed, but still anxious to get going...if only i had the power to stop time...
im not looking forward to coming back...i don't have much waiting for me, except work...and kung fu...and an empty house. o and my cat, i spose...but yeah...i think im gonna need some moral support next weekend...
so my next door neighbor is taking care of my cat...hopefully everything will be ok...im paying him too, which is bad news b/c im kinda broke...actually im really broke...two words: credit card.
so im off for a week of fun and a day of tears...but as i told a friend of mine the other night...when you know something bad's gonna happen in the end, don't think about it...have the time of your life, and when the end does come, you won't regret a thing...as i weigh my options...i choose the good at the cost of the consequences because i know that it'll be worth it...
"it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all..."

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:: 2004 1 August :: 11.10 pm
:: Mood: busy

first day of august. damn how fast time flies. was it only yesterday that i drained all the water from the spa???? i was only trying to heat it up for some friends...i guess not though huh. i had vien, vien's friend shen, simon, simon's sister jean, steve, bobby, chiara, brian (steve's roommate), and michelle (brian's gf) all over at some point or another last night...though some didn't stay long. some of us went to dinner, came back, watched starsky and hutch, smoked out of a coke can with a weird straw type extension and aluminum foil for the bowl...the straw thing came from one of my cat's toys...i guess that's what people do when they can't afford a bong. hey it was still just as good (well, almost). but it was a pretty chill night. didn't have all the drinks we thought we'd have but it worked out fine. later, vien, bobby, simon, jean, shen, steve and i went to a frat party at berkeley. jean knew a guy there...jake? jack? i think he went by both names...alpha delta phi? psi? i always get those mixed up. neways, smoked some more there, met some pretty chill people in the basement as i was finishing off my cigarillo...reflected with vien how it was just like the movies...a kickback frat party down in a shabby basement...people chillin by the keg, unmatching couches...beer in one hand, cigar in the other...people watching...unknown music in the background...it was a great moment believe it or not.
when 3 of us, james, pat, and i went upstairs to smoke, we forgot the other chick delanie (?) so james had to go down to get her. and i swear...he took sooooooo fucking long. o man. patrick did what all drunk/high frat boys would do and it made me a little uncomfortable. i was so damn relieved when they came back upstairs...whew. he was cute, but yes, he was a frat boy.
by the time we had to leave, i was pretty out of it...shen had to drive and it was a little painful to see him shift my car and drive it like the way he did...i felt nauseous, not to mention he stalled it TWICE!!!! AHHhh!! but it's ok. i was too gone to say anything...popped in some pink floyd...got to the first-time zone...and damn it was good.
last week of school...taking a deep breath as i type that...going to la on thursday and staying until the next friday. nervous, excited, sad, anxious, happy all at the same time...decided not to drive...it's a pain, and especially will be on the way back if you know what i mean. so im flying there and taking the train home...the train's giving me a little something to look forward to when the time comes i guess, since i've never taken it before. sad, but it's something.
so after all is said and done, these last two weeks are gonna wrap up another chapter in my life i think...start another one anew after friday the 13th...damn...

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:: 2004 31 July :: 7.04 pm

so lunch with mike was...interesting. it was really good to see him and i really mean that. but as expected, things were awkward, w/silences and umm....sooo....im hoping that time and other factors may reduce or eliminate that...hopefully it's worth it. i really wish i knew what he was thinking too...it was hard to make him laugh. he seemed real tense and way too serious...at burger king, things shouldn't be that way, you know? so i tried my best...managed to get a few smiles outta him, but nothing totally comfortable...he's on his way in the world, got his plans set out for him...i felt incredibly inadequate as i stumbled over what i planned to do with my life and what my major was gonna be...it seemed as if i fell so incredibly short of him and his standards...he's really changed and so have i...and that's why i wonder if things will ever work smoothly between us...
neway, planning on getting together with some LA people...vien, simon, bobby, chiara, steve tonight...few drinks, go hot-tubbing, maybe a frat party in berkeley...
other than that, days have been long...working tomorrow again...i think i managed to give away two of my shifts so i may be able to go down to LA on thursday. YAYAYAYYAY!! but at the same time...i wish thursday would never come...because then i know do will still be within reach...
ghirardelli is fun. really. i like the people. they make me laugh and make the time pass a little faster. the customers are really nice, of course, if you're about to get some ice cream =))) andy's the quiet one, kinda mischeviously shy, andrew's the know-it-all, talkative one but with a good heart...wayne's the supervisor in training, takes things the wrong way and likes to kid alot, sarcastic in that asian kinda way...couple supervisors are bearable, you know how those are...haven't worked with my manager mike yet, but he seems real warm and open when he hired me soo...we'll see =)))
oh, and people, people. please go skydiving if you EVER get a chance...if you need someone to go with, YOU KNOW WHO TO CALL!!!!! it was incredible...just going up on the plane itself was breathtaking watching the world get smaller underneath you...then opening the door of the helicopter and hearing the wind threatening to pull you to the ground is scary and exhilarating at the same time...going tandem was awesome because you really don't have time to be scared or to hesitate. the instructor pushed me out on the step outside the helicopter. i tucked my hands and feet and before i knew it, he was rocking and counting off and then we were back-flipping towards the earth...it was amazing...seeing the horizon spin and then look straight and seeing the sky and then the ground and then the sky...it's the most incredible rush i've ever experienced and i suggest that everyone experience it as well...there was a quote on the wall inside skydive taft...once you've experienced flight, you'll always look to the sky when you walk knowing that you've been there and always wishing for the next opportunity to relive the moment...something like that...i thought that was a really good summary of how i felt afterwards...thrilling...nothing less, maybe something more...

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:: 2004 28 July :: 1.10 pm
:: Mood: anxious

so im about to go to lunch with mike. im nervous as hell...i guess i could be more nervous but i made myself calm down and said it wasn't a big deal. yoga really works. i swear. he postponed it half an hour...typical of him, i guess i shoulda expected it...he'd prolly be a few minutes late as well...but we'll see how it goes...hopefully it won't be too painfully awkward...eeeee...but im sure we'll be ok. wish me luck. damn i feel like im taking a final or doing a piano recital or something...

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