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2010 4 March :: 9.01 am
a B+ is NOT that bad jessie. i can come back from this.
3 listened |
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2010 27 February :: 2.21 pm
i will not let you dictate my happiness anymore. if you want me, fine. if you don't, then leave me the fuck alone.
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2010 24 February :: 10.37 pm
Kevin
I got a few ideas, but I want some more that are implied nude photos.
10:28pmJessie
what do you mean by that, nude but just covered up or something?
10:29pmKevin
yeah
but I want it to seem that me being naked fits, compared to me being naked just to be naked
10:31pmJessie
oic..maybe in a bath tub then
10:32pmKevin
I was thinking shower, me standing under a shower head that's on with me leaning against the wall and one of my legs bent just enough to cover my............you know
10:35pmJessie
yea.that's a good idea.
10:35pmKevin
or me sitting on the side of a bed and the camera being off to the side, making it clearly obvious that i'm naked
10:36pmJessie
yea that;s a good one too
1 listened |
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2010 16 February :: 12.01 am
today was valentines day. i was worried it would be horrible, but it really was wonderful. i was with the one i'm falling for until 8am this morning :) we went out to eat and watched a movie together and slept close all night long and i don't even care that he snored the entire time. i didn't hear from him today at all though. i know he had his child until 7 and probably crashed after that. i don't know, but he's making me crazy in a good and bad way.
jake stopped by this afternoon. we switched back belongings. it was hard to see him go- in fact it's making me cry now. he still treats me like a princess and wiped away my tears when i cried.
the night ended being kissed by someone i didn't really want to be kissed by.
i'm not sure i want to remember this day.
2 listened |
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2010 5 February :: 1.04 am
never again. its obvious you don't care about me. i can't keep doing this. fuck you.
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2010 19 January :: 11.43 pm
i'm having the internal fight of my life.
yay for chest pains :(
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2010 13 January :: 5.21 pm
went tanning..spent too much money on cosmetics and hair items....i feel good! :P
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2009 27 December :: 11.13 pm
:: Mood: blah
i have a million thoughts swirling around in my head about everything, but i can't figure out what to say first. i guess this only thing i can get out is that i feel.....i don't know. i can't write this entry.
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2009 1 December :: 11.44 pm
:: Music: Life
hm. I need a change in my life. I know I'm not supposed to be negative, but right now I'd just like to rant..or just state..my 'problems' that I'd like to work on..
number 1) my room is ungodly messy, i mean i can barely walk to my bed and it's horrible. i feel claustrophobic in here, but i really have no motivation to clean it,..i need to. number 2) i am very unorganized..i forget important things and my homework and books are sprawled all over the floor of my room. instated of using folders for classes (i bought folders) i shove all of my papers into my notebook for the class. this causes me to shuffle endlessly through stacks of papers to find things i need. number 3) i have no money. i need to call financial aid and go make an appointment with them to see if i can get more loan money. number 4) i'm overwhelmed by work and school. i need to quit my job before next semester, but i'm not sure if that's financially possible. my grades have suffered this semester and i've been nap happy all semester long. in fact tonight i slept through my 6:30pm class, which upsets me! i hate missing class b/c then i miss crap and it's just annoying. number 5) i want to volunteer more and do other things like that. it would make me happy and i need to do those sort of things to write on my resume. i don't have time though b/c of work. i need time for more important things! number 6) i don't know what to do about living next year..i know it's next year, but i need to sign a lease here soon if i'm going to live here. i most likely will, but part of me is dying for a change! i feel like i've just been trudging along on this same path and i need something different..maybe i can find something different in a different area of my life besides living arrangements but i just don't know what. number 7) i've been stressed this semester so much..i haven't enjoyed myself. i don't do anything fun. i want to have fun! it wears on you after a while..the monotony of school and work. i need some excitement. number 8) i'm not going to get all A's this semester which reaaally upsets me. i need to accept it i guess, but still try the best i can at finals. i could maybe get all A's and A-'s, but as of right now i'm not sure. i don't want my 4.0 in the major to be gone :( but i think it might be. i don't want to beat myself up over it though..i need to just move on.
so that's that. i don't know exactly what to do about all of them, but i'd like to work on them. i just need to find the motivation. i'm exhausted. i wish i lived on the beach so i could just go lay on the sand and veg out. i've seen a counselor twice, but it's not that helpful i don't think. she mostly just makes me talk and doesn't say anything. hmm. i'm going to keep going to give it a full try though i guess. anyway, time to play farmville.
1 listened |
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2009 3 November :: 2.33 am
awkward turtle is awkward. and highly annoying. and pregnant. or maybe just fat. probably fat.
1 listened |
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2009 22 October :: 1.26 am
so i found out a few weeks ago that my old friend dan had called my house looking for me. my dad told him that i had a boyfriend (which dan already knows) and that it would be best if he didn't call me. apparently he said he had gotten a new phone number and wanted to give it to me. i haven't talked to him in like a year.
i was like his only friend. the only one who understood him, or listened to him and made him feel better about himself. i think i have a slight attachment to him because he was in the same place my dad is and he has overcome it and works through it every day. i'm not sure if he's still sober, but when i last talked to him like a year ago, he was. i hope he still is.
i do miss his friendship, and it brings tears to my eyes that my dad did that.
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2009 14 October :: 5.44 pm
Next semster I'm taking..
CDO 439=3
CDO 402=2
CDO 494=3
ASL 201=3
HDF 307=3
hmm on my way to graduation! kind of..
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2009 14 October :: 12.40 am
so. i've realized that life isn't that great unless you are with the ones you love. i can fill it with superficial acts like working, walking, class, eating. but, it's not worth it in the end. i know i need to go to school to get a job and do the career i want to do, but i'd rather just be with him. i'd rather just be surrounded by love. it trumps everything else.
everything around me is fake. i long for what's actually true in my life, what actually means something deep to me. it's painful to get out of bed, go to class and suffer the monotony of the day without him. i have to force myself to do the things i need to do, there is nothing i want to do. i don't want to go to work. i don't want to go to class. but without these things, i would just lie in my bed and stare at nothing. my life would become useless.
...
i am over burdened by my family's suffering. i cannot handle it anymore. because i've realized that i can do nothing about it, it's out of my hands, i have to back away from it all. my dad has no desire to be happy, no desire to change. my mom is depressed. they are frozen in that house. literally. and i can't do anything. i sit here in my room, feeling cozy, and they are shivering. it breaks my heart, but i can't let it anymore. but that thought just seems so cruel.
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2009 28 September :: 1.38 pm
realizing how lonely and empty my world is.
realizing something is seriously wrong with me. can you have alzheimers at 21?! i don't understand why i'm so forgetful all the time, and about really important things. i write them in my agenda, on my dry erase board..but i still forget.
1 listened |
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2009 25 September :: 1.18 am
what should i get jake for his birthday?
i want to get him something special since i never get to see him anymore.
hm.
2 listened |
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