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2009 1 December :: 11.44 pm
:: Music: Life
hm. I need a change in my life. I know I'm not supposed to be negative, but right now I'd just like to rant..or just state..my 'problems' that I'd like to work on..
number 1) my room is ungodly messy, i mean i can barely walk to my bed and it's horrible. i feel claustrophobic in here, but i really have no motivation to clean it,..i need to. number 2) i am very unorganized..i forget important things and my homework and books are sprawled all over the floor of my room. instated of using folders for classes (i bought folders) i shove all of my papers into my notebook for the class. this causes me to shuffle endlessly through stacks of papers to find things i need. number 3) i have no money. i need to call financial aid and go make an appointment with them to see if i can get more loan money. number 4) i'm overwhelmed by work and school. i need to quit my job before next semester, but i'm not sure if that's financially possible. my grades have suffered this semester and i've been nap happy all semester long. in fact tonight i slept through my 6:30pm class, which upsets me! i hate missing class b/c then i miss crap and it's just annoying. number 5) i want to volunteer more and do other things like that. it would make me happy and i need to do those sort of things to write on my resume. i don't have time though b/c of work. i need time for more important things! number 6) i don't know what to do about living next year..i know it's next year, but i need to sign a lease here soon if i'm going to live here. i most likely will, but part of me is dying for a change! i feel like i've just been trudging along on this same path and i need something different..maybe i can find something different in a different area of my life besides living arrangements but i just don't know what. number 7) i've been stressed this semester so much..i haven't enjoyed myself. i don't do anything fun. i want to have fun! it wears on you after a while..the monotony of school and work. i need some excitement. number 8) i'm not going to get all A's this semester which reaaally upsets me. i need to accept it i guess, but still try the best i can at finals. i could maybe get all A's and A-'s, but as of right now i'm not sure. i don't want my 4.0 in the major to be gone :( but i think it might be. i don't want to beat myself up over it though..i need to just move on.
so that's that. i don't know exactly what to do about all of them, but i'd like to work on them. i just need to find the motivation. i'm exhausted. i wish i lived on the beach so i could just go lay on the sand and veg out. i've seen a counselor twice, but it's not that helpful i don't think. she mostly just makes me talk and doesn't say anything. hmm. i'm going to keep going to give it a full try though i guess. anyway, time to play farmville.
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2009 3 November :: 2.33 am
awkward turtle is awkward. and highly annoying. and pregnant. or maybe just fat. probably fat.
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2009 22 October :: 1.26 am
so i found out a few weeks ago that my old friend dan had called my house looking for me. my dad told him that i had a boyfriend (which dan already knows) and that it would be best if he didn't call me. apparently he said he had gotten a new phone number and wanted to give it to me. i haven't talked to him in like a year.
i was like his only friend. the only one who understood him, or listened to him and made him feel better about himself. i think i have a slight attachment to him because he was in the same place my dad is and he has overcome it and works through it every day. i'm not sure if he's still sober, but when i last talked to him like a year ago, he was. i hope he still is.
i do miss his friendship, and it brings tears to my eyes that my dad did that.
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2009 14 October :: 5.44 pm
Next semster I'm taking..
CDO 439=3
CDO 402=2
CDO 494=3
ASL 201=3
HDF 307=3
hmm on my way to graduation! kind of..
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2009 14 October :: 12.40 am
so. i've realized that life isn't that great unless you are with the ones you love. i can fill it with superficial acts like working, walking, class, eating. but, it's not worth it in the end. i know i need to go to school to get a job and do the career i want to do, but i'd rather just be with him. i'd rather just be surrounded by love. it trumps everything else.
everything around me is fake. i long for what's actually true in my life, what actually means something deep to me. it's painful to get out of bed, go to class and suffer the monotony of the day without him. i have to force myself to do the things i need to do, there is nothing i want to do. i don't want to go to work. i don't want to go to class. but without these things, i would just lie in my bed and stare at nothing. my life would become useless.
...
i am over burdened by my family's suffering. i cannot handle it anymore. because i've realized that i can do nothing about it, it's out of my hands, i have to back away from it all. my dad has no desire to be happy, no desire to change. my mom is depressed. they are frozen in that house. literally. and i can't do anything. i sit here in my room, feeling cozy, and they are shivering. it breaks my heart, but i can't let it anymore. but that thought just seems so cruel.
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2009 28 September :: 1.38 pm
realizing how lonely and empty my world is.
realizing something is seriously wrong with me. can you have alzheimers at 21?! i don't understand why i'm so forgetful all the time, and about really important things. i write them in my agenda, on my dry erase board..but i still forget.
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2009 25 September :: 1.18 am
what should i get jake for his birthday?
i want to get him something special since i never get to see him anymore.
hm.
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2009 14 September :: 11.37 pm
Going to Hell
well folks, it's true. i'm going to hell. since i have not accepted god's grace and accepted jesus christ into my heart, i am damned to the fiery depths below. don't pray for me, that won't help. it will only help if i conform to the beliefs of christianity b/c i am afraid of what will happen if i don't. and that sure as hell isn't going to happen.
no matter what i do, how i treat others or live my life, i will suffer. forever and ever and ever.
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2009 10 September :: 1.34 am
school
i'm so exhausted by all of this. i hate being anxious ALL the time. my major is KILLING ME. not the classes, i love them and i mean i do well in them, but it's the GIRLS! they drive my fucking insane. i'm so stressed about all of this. my major is sooooooooooooooooooo competative. like on a scale of 1 to 10 it's a 50. you all know i'm laid back, quiet etc..and NOT all up in professors faces and a suck up. i listen, i do my work, i study i get good grades. but it's not enough. and EVERY fucking time i think of doing something that will help 'set me apart' everyyyyyone else starts doing it. i volunteer somewhere, low and behold everyone else does it too. i join nsshla ( at $60 a year cost, it's the nation student speech hearing language assocation) i knew THAT would really set me apart b/c you get professional journals and crap and nobody really knows about it, welllllllllllllll not now!!!!! practically EVERYONE found out about it, and every fing girl in my classes are like 'did you joing nsshla?' 'i joined nsshla' 'like omg! i can add that on my resume lol rofl omg' blah blah blah fuckedty blah. SHUT UP! all of you!!! WARRRRRGARRBLLLLLLLLLLLL. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i can't handle this!!!!!!! it's too fucking stressful. worrying EVERYDAY and hearing all these dumb bitches, 'i volunteered here, i went to dr. so and sos office hours and blah blah blah' shut up just freaking shutp up. you all drive me insane and you are all causing my life immmmmeasurable amounts of stress/anxiety.
what can i honestly do to help myself? i raise my hand more, i try to do it at least once a class period, but like 10 girls raise their hands ten times..i go to a professsors office hours once a week, they go TWICE. i can't keep up!!! it's a'lsdkf j;sjdfaosidfasjkdfh al what do i do ?! i love this major and i want to do it, but these girls are giving me a heart attack.
their voices. complaining, yapping, bragging, tweeet tweet yip yap yapp yappppp shuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut uppppppppppppppppppppp
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2009 8 September :: 1.35 am
:: Music: avril lavigne~slipped away
my grandpa
so my grandpa passed away yesterday morning.
he survived for 14 DAYS with no food or water. FOURTEEN! the nurses/doctors etc could not believe he was still alive. he held on THAT long. it makes me wonder if he really wanted to go, or if he just was such a tough guy, that he held out for as long as he could.
he was diagnosed with lewy body dimentia and alzheimers about 6 years ago. he went from forgetting where he put his shoes, to being unable to keep his head up, or feed himself. he eventually went into a nursing home (against his dismay)..he would cry when his wife would try to take him there, but she couldn't take care of him..he always fell and my dad would have to drive over there to help connie get him up. a couple months ago, he turned 79 and when my dad went to visit him, he stil knew who my dad was although he really couldn't move or do any motor function at all. before he passed, he just layed there and moaned in pain b.c he had such severe bed sores. the doctors said they were the worst they'd ever seen. soo, they could either perform surgery, or let him pass b/c he couldn't eat anymore without a feeding tube and he had to get nutrients through an IV.
he hung in there for two weeks. i know that he wasn't using any calories because he wasn't moving...but still, i thought nobody could even live for a few days without water.
the funeral is this thursday. :/ i will miss him so much.
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2009 28 August :: 12.20 am
contrary to previous entries, i feel like i was quite productive today.
i signed my major one of my minors and got a professor to sign a paper to allow me to be a tutor for his class (i signed the major/minor with him too). if i get the tutoring job, i actually get paid and it will look really good on my resume to be tutoring for one of the hardest classes in the major. oh cedar springs did prepare me well :P
theeeeeeeen i went to work. which i really didn't want to after a longish day, but of course i went and actually had a great day! it was a laid back day, everyone was laughing and having fun and i was in my bosses office the last 20 minutes or so of the night and they were just making me laugh. finally myyy turn to stand in the office doing nothing and chatting! although we were very very slow and there were no customers out at the booth anyway.
i feel proud of myself for what i did do and what i have done. i don't give myself credit. i love my major and my classes and each day i go, it just motivates me more to do better and to be more involved to learn more. i just really hope i can find something to really get involved with to help me get into grad school...some sort of volunteering or something. i hope i get the tutoring job but if i don't, i really need to find something to do. hmm, ideas?
anyway, i'm going to jakes tomorrow down by detroit. i haven't seen his apartment yet and i can't WAIT to see him!
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2009 26 August :: 7.50 pm
i can't stand this. i can't live here with everyone having their significant others over. it makes me so lonely and jealous..and upset. so i cry. i'm alone and i hate it.
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2009 25 August :: 12.52 am
and the semester begins again:
bus stop, bus is late, ride bus, tromp to class-claaaaaaaaaaaasss-boring..miss the bus on the way back, stand there..wait. wait. wait. damn bus, get home, fight with roommates, eat tv dinner, sit in room.
repeat.
i miss jake.
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2009 21 August :: 2.27 am
bah i am sooo tired.
my room was a complete disaster...and i was getting claustrophobic..so i bought organizational crap from wal mart and shoved crap into the organizational crap. now everything is piled away in drawers and crates and who knows how much i'll have to dig to find things. ugh.
i borrowed a book last fall from my friend..it came with a cd..nowww i HAVE the cd. it's here. but where?! i have no fucking clue. she wants it tomorrow..what do i do?? i know i have it, it's just been tucked away somewhere during all this moving and i want to borrow more books from her for this semster (could save me like $300 bucks) but i assume she won't want me to if i can't find that damn cd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
jake is leaving tomorrow. i am SO SAD about this. i have never ever ever seen him cry but he did when i was leaving. granted i was bawling and saying i didn't want him to leave me blah blah etc etc..and so when he did a little bit, it made me realize how sucky the situation is. i cry like every time he leaves me for a few weeks or so but this time it's for serious. i really miss him so much already. i don't like to be without him :(
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2009 5 August :: 4.24 pm
please pray for him and my family
i'm losing my father. he may never be the same again. he might be in a home for the rest of his life:
wernicke's encephalopathy which leads to korsakoff syndrome/psychosis.
my world is spinning to a stop.
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