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:: 2008 16 October :: 1.02 am

this journal is horrific. i can't believe how pathetic i was.. and unfortunately not much has changed. i'm out of college now. in graduate school. with andrew. but you know...
5 years. this december it will be 5 years since i fell in love with him. Next weekend marks our 2 year anniversary. so i can't help but wonder... where would i be if i'd given up on him? some days i am so happy and i feel like i know this is the life i want to lead. other days i resent him and myself for holding me back. i still don't know what i want... but those figures still bother me. almost 3 years he didn't want me... actually refused me. does it matter? will the hurt ever go away? i don't know and maybe i never will. but in case you were wondering, i'm still here. and i'll try not to be so pathetic.

:: 2006 14 February :: 5.34 pm

i feel like dying. i've already prayed not to wake up in the morning. but i keep waking up. i'm struggling with life. i can't do it anymore. only the strong survive and i'm not one of them. i don't ever want to open my eyes again.

:: 2006 9 February :: 12.34 am

so what's more depressing? that i've never had a relationship or that i've had sex? we were talking about past relationships. the only thing that comes close for me is sophomore year of high school. i was thinking about it. my parents wouldn't even take pictures of us on prom night. i think i knew that was over before it started. just like this. its over. its probably for the best that i'm 2 and a half hours away. i don't know if i could survive it otherwise. he's had relationships... but he won't now. he won't with me. enough said.

:: 2006 1 February :: 1.18 am

its all about sex with him. i just realized that for sure tonight. thats all he thinks about, thats all he wants. he doesn't really want me, not at all. he just wants me to come home and have sex with him all weekend then go back away so he doesn't have to deal with it. why did i ever think this was something different than that? i knew all along everything we had was physical. he doesn't want to be with me. i'm such a fool. he told me he didn't want a girlfriend. why did i think i could change that? its just getting worse but i'm addicted. its hopeless now. i don't even want to live anymore.

:: 2006 26 January :: 9.57 pm

i'm so nervous about this weekend. not only because my parents are going to question my every move. but also because i have to face his friend for the first time since new years. i don't know what they think of me, but i'm sure its not great. i don't want to face them. i'm terrified. i just have a terrible feeling that they're going to hurt my feelings. and why wouldn't they. i'm just going to be the whore of the group. the girl who comes around ever so often when her man needs to get some. lets face it, i'm not going to fit in. and when his friends don't think highly of me, he'll start to do the same. even though it doesn't seem he thinks too highly of me at times as it is. i just don't know what to do. should i just stay here? would i save myself ridicule and heartache or would i risk losing him for good if i don't go home now. i wish everything didn't have to be so difficult. i just know they're not going to like me. but maybe this weekend i will figure out what is going on between us and whether or not i should stay here or go...

:: 2006 19 January :: 10.37 pm

was it love or was i just a fool?

:: 2006 11 January :: 12.33 am

i'm so confused. and for once its not about E.

:: 2006 4 January :: 12.10 am

i never realized how hopeless this was until just this minute. of all the life goals one could have he said "to have a good job". that was it. no aspirations for marriage or family... just a good job. i knew right then i'd never have him. he was a lost cause, at least for me. and he'd been breaking my heart for the past two years with no signs of stopping. i needed to get out. but i couldn't. i was in love. totally completely in love with someone who probably didn't even believe in love. it was just my luck. every one of his friends had girlfriends... i was just his cheap fuck. i'd only met most of his friends once or twice. and he didn't invite me around them much. he didn't even make plans with me much. it was late night calls that kept us seeing each other. it was like a cheap affair except instead of a skanky hotel room it was the back seat of his car. i wanted so bad to tell him in this moment that this wasn't going to work. but i was too scared. i didn't want to lose him yet. i wasn't sure i could live without him at this point. so another night, another break in my heart.

:: 2005 30 December :: 11.47 pm

i wish i was pretty. i wish i was smart. i wish i was good enough for andrew and his friends. not only as a cheap fuck, but as a girlfriend... something that i'll never be to him. everyone is invited to the new years party... except me. i haven't been good enough for him for the past 2 years, why would i be now? i'm stupid and with every day i just get more so. was it the xmas gift? he won't wear it... why did i bother? i tried to be nice but it just ended up looking like too much. he has everything he wants and i have everything i don't want and nothing that i do. so i guess thats it. i'll just take back the shirt and the shoes and the jewelry i was going to wear to try to impress him. i don't need those things. he just put another crack in my already shattered heart. but i should have seen it coming.

:: 2005 25 December :: 11.16 pm

theres a box in the corner with his name on it. the only ungiven christmas gift at 11:09 central standard time on christmas day. i have my doubts now. there were times when i thought we were in love. but that was all a lie. i don't really know what i was thinking when i bought it. i knew i didn't mean a thing to him. if i was brave i'd pack a bag right now and never look back. i have nothing, i live for nothing. i loved him, i honestly did. more than anything i've ever loved before. i let myself care and he couldn't even call or send a simple e-mail to say merry christmas. and now i know he's not the one because someone who loved me would never make me cry myself to sleep on christmas. so merry christmas baby.

:: 2005 22 December :: 12.09 am

what did it mean, if anything? i need to know. maybe i am overanalyzing it. but there were so many things. i could spend all night with him and not even notice the time pass. i don't know what he wants or what he's thinking and i sort of wish i did. what did it mean when he held my hand? was it something sweet or just a way to move his hand to my leg. i'm confused. everything that had seemed simple is so complicated to me. i want to leave but i'm never going to be able to leave him. i'm in love with him and as much as i wish i could change that, i can't.

:: 2005 20 December :: 9.55 pm

i feel alone. moreso than i ever have before. and this is the hardest time of year.

:: 2005 15 December :: 12.28 am
:: Music: howie day

so i was going alone all content with the way things were... then it hit me like a ton of bricks. it sent chills through my body. i knew right at that moment that everything i thought was fine is completely and utterly fucked. i don't know why i thought i could get him an xmas gift and it would be just fine and happy. he told me not to and thats the response i'm going to get when i show up with it. i don't know what else i expected. i guess that he would give me something spectacular and confess that he really wanted to be with me. what kind of dream world have i been living in? i guess i needed to take this reality trip. so now i guess i should decide, should i take his gift back now and save myself the humiliation and yet another heart break when i discover that he really doesn't want it and he didn't get me anything just like he said he wouldn't... or should i give it to him and take my chances on his reaction. problem being i know his reaction already... i can play it in my head. i know its going to be bad. so why put myself through it you may ask. because i'm just that fucked up. i just need him to crush me down again for the millionth time. maybe some day i'll have had enough. but until then i'll just set myself up for another huge let down. why can't i just understand that he doesn't want to be with me? its not that difficult of a concept to grasp. i don't know why i can't just get a handle on it and get over it already.

:: 2005 10 December :: 3.08 am

i don't know what to do. and i'm going to have to figure it out for myself because i don't deserve any help after the things i've said and done. i'm a cheap slut and i'm never going to find a meaningful relationship. if i died right now i woudl go straight to hell. there's no doubt in my mind about that. i wish i wasn't like this. i'm stupid and i'm going to pay for it dearly. i know that but i still keep doing it. i don't deserve him, that is why he is using me. i need to get out of here. i need something that i'm now never going to have...

:: 2005 9 December :: 1.05 pm

well, the only positive thing i think i can say about this is that i know its over for sure now. i don't really want to see him ever again. i just wish i would have known this about 2 years ago. i really don't know what to do with myself. this is the worst possible time of the year to be alone. | Random Journal