2005 9 December :: 1.42 am
things were really starting to look up for a day or two. why did i think he wanted more than a fling? he didn't want a g/f for as long as i've known him, why would that change suddenly now. it wouldn't. 1 day. i wish it would have lasted. but i know what he wants and its all he wants. its all my fault that things are so fucked up. he doesn't even want a damn xmas gift because he knows it doesn't mean a damn thing. he doesn't want to struggle to find something empty for me to cling to. i am so fucking stupid. how could i not see through this. well, this pretty much sums up how the year went. a lot of great expectations and a lot of huge let downs.
2005 7 December :: 1.15 pm
wow, my relationship lasted only a day. i should have known better. i should have known that if he could break my heard without a relationship it would sure as hell be simple for him to break it in a relationship. so thats over. at least i was happy for a day.
2005 4 December :: 1.02 am
i had a blast tonight at semiformal with paul. i was worried that it would be awkward, and while it was at first, i'm really glad i went. he's a really sweet guy. its too bad he'd never be interested in me. oh well. maybe someday i will find someone who is.
2005 2 December :: 11.07 pm
i guess i just feel like this is an affair, even though there are no significant others that could get hurt. we could still get hurt. at least i know i could. it needs to end. i know this and i need to make it happen. i just don't know how. i should have never started it in the first place. i've tried every way to get him to show some affection and he won't. its just never going to happen for us. we aren't meant to be together and this affair is just prolonging the seperation we are going to have to eventually endure. i can't force something out of nothing. i can't make him feel something he doesn't. its not me he wants, its just sex without committment. and its just killing me. it has to be over. i have to end it. i have to get over him regardless of how bad it hurts.
2005 1 December :: 10.16 pm
i have options. they may be expensive options but they are options. i could spend a summer in chicago interning or spend a month in london. so why don't i? because i am stupid. straight up stupid. i don't know why i continue to be stupid. but i do. every single day. i wish things were easy. i wish we were together and then things wouldn't seem so bad. then i would know if he cared or not. but things are never easy for me.
well, when you're down just remember this phrase: "homo sexual indian"
i could have died. i <3 u E.
2005 27 November :: 11.32 pm
i just found out for real that being in love makes you stupid and blind. his best friend said he could have me if he wanted me. i've made a fool of myself. i don't know what is wrong with me. i wish i never would have met him. he's made my last 2 years a living hell. he never cared about me. he used me because he knew he could. and i let it happen because i was so fucking stupid i didn't see through his bull shit. i made mistake after mistake hoping that he would want me. and he's not ever going to want me and i've just made myself into an idiot. i wish i could take back everything, but i can't. i'm just going to have to move on knowing that i gave him everything he wanted and he never gavea damn about me. it hurts. i won't lie about that, because i really did love him. but i have to move on. i can't live my life as his whore hoping someday he'll change the way he feels. its not going to happen, and now at least i can attemp to save whatever amount of dignity and respect i can for myself. which i know isn't much, but its all i have right now. its probably all i'm ever going to have. i'm just sorry i ever loved him.
2005 25 November :: 1.34 am
a late night call and i wish i could help... but i'm afraid i'm just too fucked up to do anything to help anyone. all my good ideas just seem so stupid and worthless when i actually think about them. maybe that is my problem, maybe i think too much. or maybe i don't think at all. it will be 2 years the next time i come home. i've wasted 2 years hoping and praying that he would want me. but he doesn't, he just wants a cheap thrill. is it worth it? sometimes i think so. i just don't want to be alone. i'm happy when i'm with him and that is almost the only time. i wish he would understand. i can't live without him. its not even about the sex or a relationship, i just want to be near him. i wish i had the strength to tell him, but i am so terrified that he won't feel the same. i just don't know what to do. i thought maybe leaving could be the answer. but i don't want to go. i just want to stay entangled with him in that backseat forever where i feel nothing but his heart beat slowing down. i can't tell if he cares. i know he's scared, and i hope he feels something. i just don't know what he's thinking. but it feels like he cares when he wraps his arms around me. and i don't want that feeling to ever go away. i would give up everything i have in this entire world for time with him. he means everything to me and i don't know why. i love him. but i can't ever say that to him. i just have to pretend we are just friends.
2005 22 November :: 10.33 pm
i don't know what is wrong with me. i'm never going to make it..
2005 22 November :: 2.21 am
i'm thinking california might be far enough to forget him.
2005 13 November :: 11.46 pm
everything always goes wrong.
i don't know why i ever expect anything different...
2005 7 November :: 11.53 pm
there are some nights when the conversation is forced and i know deep down inside of me that he won't ever love me. and it hurts like hell.
2005 3 November :: 12.01 am
why is it always a disappointment? i need to get out of here. i need to get over him.
2005 30 October :: 9.04 pm
i feel like my life is an episode of sex and the city. its full of drama constantly. but i just don't see it ending quite as happily. i'm struggling with school trying to figure out what to do with my life. struggling with a boy who probably doesn't have any feelings for me at all. we act like teenagers, talking one minute and not the next. i don't know what i feel at this point, and i wish i did. it would make things a lot easier. all i know for sure is i want him as a friend at least. he's difficult and i can't decide if i'm turned on by the challenge or turned off by the effort i have to put forth. he won't let me in but he won't push me away. i've never been so confused. i just can't wait around, but i just can't help thinking in the back of my mind that he is the one. but one of these days i'm going to get the strength to tell him its now or never, and if its never, to actually say goodbye.
2005 6 October :: 12.41 am
a week ago i might have said this was going to be a pretty good birthday. my classes were going alright. i was going home and i was going to get to see andrew. well now everything has gone wrong. my classes are going terribly. i don't even want to go anymore. and andrew is too busy for me. this turned out to be a great birthday... i just want to cry.
2005 11 September :: 11.27 am
i should have listened to everyone. i'm not the sorrority type. and now it hurts that i'm not good enough to be picked for any of them. i wish i never would have rushed.