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2004 19 October :: 4.10 pm
So I feel extremley shitty, emotionally and physically. Probably more than most times I've ever felt this way. I hate my mom, and i love her at the same time. Everything is just such a mess, with everything, and I just don't know how to handle a single thing. I don't even know what's going on with me and Mitch anymore. Which breaks me up cos I really want this to work out. He makes me feel so complete, and keeps my mind away from all the bad. And my mom..I'm just realizing there will NEVER be a time where we get along, or we agree on something, there will NEVER be a time where she makes me happy being around her. I just don't know what to do, how to handle anything. I try to keep it off my mind, put it someplace where no one, including myself can get to it. So pretty much eventually it goes away, but it's just all falling out of the box in the top of the closest and I can't get the door open to shove it all back inside. It's just over flowing and I don't know what to do with it all. Everythings going to shit. I can't help any of my friends, espically my best friend. Nothing I do or say can help her, or myself, and I just feel more useless and worthless than I have ever felt before in my life.
God please help me be strong......
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 18 October :: 8.11 pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Jessica Simpson-Angels
So it seems like everyone had a great time at Homcoming. I had one of the best nights of my life. I am so glad that I went. I'm just glad I went with Mitch.
It's nice to know that I'm making your life miserable as you like to put it, when I haven't even been around you for a month in a half. I'm just realizing that I'm better off, happier without you. I just pray to God one day I can look you in the face and not hate you with all my heart. That I can forget everything, every hurtful word, every stupid decsion and fight you started, everything can just be left in the past, and never brought up again. I hope......
Just thinking about you makes me smile, makes me so happy.
~Jess
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 17 October :: 6.52 pm
UGHHH YOU ARE SUCH A BITCH!!
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Like always, I'm the happiest I have ever been and then somehow my stupid mom always finds a way to bring me back down again.
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 17 October :: 1.46 pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Live-The Dolphins Cry
Last night was one of the best nights of my life.
I had to do other people's hair when I woke up, so I got home and had to hurry and get ready because plans changed and Mitch was picking me up at 4:30. So he got here and we got the pictures snapped outta us lol, I'm so sick of pictures lol. And he brought me roses, and ahh he's just such a sweetheart.
Then we went over to Taylor's and just hung out till everyone got there. Then we took more and more pictures. Then we went to the Outback, and my food was disgusting. Even the salad's there are spicy. My mouth was on fire, so I only had like 3 bites of my dinner. I felt bad, since Mitch was paying for it. ehh....what can ya do? Then we went to the dance, we got there a little late, but I had the best night of my life. I had so much fun. The night couldn't have been anymore perfect. The way I feel when I'm with him, makes me so happy, and I just don't have a worrie in the world when I'm looking into his eyes and see he's looking into mine.
So after the dance we went back to Taylor's and Mitch, Me, Taylor, Luke, and Joe drove together to go bowling w/ people. And bowled till 2, :) I won a game too against the boys. heh. It was fun. On the way home we just held hands and rested my head on his shoulder and we both fell asleep and taylor and joe. Then Luke wakes us up cos huh we're getting pulled over, lol just great. I didn't even know what was going on. But it was just an accident, cos Luke drove through an intersection in the right turning lane, but the officer was really nice. Then everyone had to go home, cos it was close to 3 in the morning. So me and Kate went to Barker's, yeah...not so cool. All I wanted to do was sleep. So after the whole fight fiasco, we spent the night at someone else's house, and now I'm exhausted.
I have never felt so beautiful. Just knowing that he's by my side, holding my hand, understanding and watching out for me, makes me so ..complete. Things are..perfect. He's perfect, for me. No one else compares or could mak eme feel the way he does.
~Jess
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 13 October :: 4.18 pm
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I need to get a grip on my own God damn life.
3 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 12 October :: 7.45 pm
:: Mood: shitty
So today was my last day at work, Thank God. Tomorrow I have to practice Shannon's hair for Homcoming after school. Then Thursday I have an appointment to get that spray tan done, it better work, or I'll be so upset. Then later on Thursday, hopefully me Taylor, Kate, Luke, Mitch, and Matt are going to the Haunt. Which I'm still kinda weary about...which I shouldn't be, but I am just because I honestly have never been so scared about losing someone in my entire life. But hopefully it'll be fun, it better be damnit. I'm still excited for Homcoming, but bah I dunno. A part of me just didn't even wanna go today, but I think I snapped outta it. Today sucked so bad, I ended up crying in yearbook which I always hate b/c then everyone wonders whats wrong and assumes it's because of something they think they know about, and it honestly had nothing to do with anyone besides myself. Maybe a few other small factors, but mainly just with myself. Bah, I feel so ugly. I'm going to go watch my show.
~Jess
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 10 October :: 9.01 pm
Today me and Kate and her mom went shopping. I got everything I need for Homecoming! I'm so excited! Mitch came over tonight and I showed him my dress and everything! Lol .....good stuff! I'm still really shooken up from last night, but I'm really happy, and frustrated at the same time.
Mostly happy ...:)
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 10 October :: 10.23 am
I still feel like the shittest person in the world, the only people who could possiably understand are the people who were there.
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extremely long survey | Created by xfallingforyoux and taken 35632 times on bzoink! | | ABOUT YOU | | Your full name: | Jessica Lynn Hazen | | Age: | 15 | | Height: | 5'3 | | Natural hair colour: | red | | Eye colour: | blue | | Number of siblings: | 2 | | Glasses/contacts?: | no | | Piercings: | 5 | | Tattoos: | no, but i want one | | Braces?: | no | | FAVOURITE | | Colour: | aqua | | Band: | rascal flats | | Song: | The Dolphins Cry by Live | | Stuffed animal: | teddy bear | | Video game: | dont have one | | TV show: | one tree hill | | Movie: | pearl harbor | | Book: | a walk to remember | | Food: | grapes | | Game on a cell phone: | casino | | CD cover: | idk | | Flower: | daisy | | Scent: | passionate kisses | | Animal: | panda bear | | Comic book: | dont have one | | Cereal: | cinnamon toast crunch | | Website: | woohu | | Cartoon: | dont have one | | DO YOU | | Play an instrument?: | no | | Watch TV more than 60 hours a week?: | no | | Like to sing?: | yes | | Have a job?: | yes | | Have a cell phone?: | yes | | Like to play sports?: | yes | | Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: | no | | Have a crush on someone?: | yes | | Live somewhere NOT in the united states?: | no | | Have more than 5 TVs in your house?: | 4 | | Have any special talents/skills?: | you tell me | | Excercise daily?: | yes | | Like school?: | no | | CAN YOU | | Sing the alphabet backwards?: | no | | Stand on your tip toes without wearing shoes?: | no | | Speak any other languages?: | yes french | | Go a day without food?: | yes | | Stay up for more than 24 hours?: | yes | | Read music, not just tabs?: | yes | | Roll your tongue?: | no | | Eat a whole pizza?: | no | | HAVE YOU EVER | | Snuck out of the house?: | yes | | Cried to get out of trouble?: | yes | | Gotten lost in your city?: | yes | | Seen a shooting star?: | yes | | Been to any other countries besides the united states?: | no | | Had a serious surgery?: | no | | Stolen something important to someone else?: | no | | Solved a rubiks cube?: | no | | Gone out in public in your pajamas?: | yes | | Cried over a girl?: | no | | Cried over a boy?: | yes | | Kissed a random stranger?: | yes | | Hugged a random stranger?: | yes | | Been in a fist fight?: | yes | | Been arrested?: | no | | Done drugs?: | yes, and never again | | Had alcohol?: | yes, and never again | | Laughed and had milk come out of your nose?: | no | | Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?: | yes | | Gone to school only to find you had the day off because of a holiday/etc?: | yes in 2nd grade | | Swore at your parents?: | yes | | Been to warped tour?: | no | | Kicked a guy where it hurts?: | yes | | Been in love?: | no | | Been close to love?: | no | | Been to a casino?: | no | | Ran over an animal and killed it?: | uhh | | Broken a bone?: | no | | Gotten stitches?: | yes | | Had a waterballoon fight in winter?: | no | | Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?: | no | | Made homemade muffins?: | yes | | Bitten someone?: | yes | | Been to disneyland/disneyworld?: | yes w/ taylor | | More than 5 times?: | no | | Been to niagra falls?: | no | | Burped in someones face?: | yes | | Gotten the chicken pox?: | yes | | WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU | | Brushed your teeth: | this morning | | Went to the bathroom: | this morning | | Saw a movie in theaters: | a long time ago | | Read a book: | i read in school everyday | | Had a snow day: | last year | | Had a party: | last weekend | | Had a slumber party: | a while ago | | Made fun of someone: | yesterday | | Tripped in front of someone: | last week | | Went to the grocery store: | this past week | | Got sick: | two weeks ago | | Cursed: | yesterday | | PICK ONE | | Fruit/vegetables: | fruit | | Black/white: | black | | Lights on/lights off: | off | | TV/movie: | movie | | Car/truck: | car | | Body spray/lotion: | spray | | Cash/check: | cash | | Pillows/blankets: | blankets | | Headache/stomach ache: | headache | | Paint/charcoal: | paint | | Chinese food/mexican food: | chinese | | Summer/winter: | summer | | Snow/rain: | rain | | Fog/misty: | misty | | Rock/rap: | rap | | Meat/vegetarian: | meat | | Boy/girl: | boy | | Chocolate/vanilla: | vanilla | | Sprinkles/icing: | icing | | Cake/pie: | cake | | French toast/french fries: | french toast | | Strawberries/blueberries: | strawberries | | Ocean/swimming pool: | swimming pool | | Hugs/kisses: | hugs | | Cookies/muffins: | muffins | | p33n/bewbz: | huh | | Wallet/pocket: | wallet | | Window/door: | door | | Emo/goth: | emo | | Pink/purple: | purple | | Cat/dog: | dog | | Long sleeve/short sleeve: | long | | Pants/shorts: | pants | | Winter break/spring break: | winter | | Spring/autumn: | autumn | | Clouds/clear sky: | clear sky | | Moon/mars: | moon | | FRIENDSHIP | | How many friends do you have?: | i cant count | | What are their names?: | im not naming them all | | Do you have a best friend?: | yes | | Have you ever liked one of your friends?: | guy friends | | Do you have more guy friends or more girl friends?: | no | | Have you ever lost a friend?: | yes | | Have you ever gone to an amusement park with a friend?: | yes cassie | | Whats an inside joke between you and a friend?: | WAM WAM WAM | | Have you ever gotten in a big arguement with a friend?: | yes | | Whats the nicest thing youve ever done for a friend?: | i dunno | | Whats the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you?: | tell me how imporant i am to them | | Do you miss any of your old friends?: | yeah | | What friend have you known the longest?: | jess | | Do you regret anything youve done to a friend?: | yes | | If so, what is it?: | being mean to jess when we were little, and fighitng w/ kate over a boy | | How often do you spend time with your friends?: | all the time | | Do any of your friends drive?: | everyone but me | | Has a friend of yours ever died?: | never anyone im really good friends with, no | | Whats the dumbest thing youve done with a friend?: | id unno | | What do you think your friends think of you?: | you tell me | | LOVE AND ALL THAT CRAP | | Have you ever been in love?: | no | | If you have, with who?: | | | Are you single?: | yes, sorta | | Are you in a relationship?: | no | | If so, for how long?: | | | Do you believe there is someone for everyone?: | yes | | What is your idea of the best date?: | BEing with someone you really know and care about, and going someplace really fun, with something romnatic planned for afterwards, and a kiss goodnight | | What was your first kiss like?: | gross | | How old were you when you got your first kiss?: | 13 i think | | Do you think love is a load of shit?: | no | | Whats the best experiance youve ever had with the opposite sex?: | not sure | | If you are single, have you had any boyfriends/girlfriends before?: | yeah | | Have you ever been dumped?: | yeah | | Have you ever dumped someone?: | yeah | | Whats the most sexual thing youve done with the opposite sex?: | I'm still a virgin if that's what you're asking | | WORD ASSOCIATION | | Slippers: | shoes | | Hat: | brown | | Hard: | en | | Free: | sample | | Space: | ship | | Taste: | jelly | | Good charlotte: | free | | Red: | hair | | Deep: | down | | Heart: | emotional | | Cord: | vacum | | Cheese: | pictures | | Rain: | drops | | Work: | corn | | Pedal: | flower | | Head: | over | | Bed: | small | | Fluff: | pillow | | Hardcore: | person | | Race: | white | | Knife: | stab | | Jump: | rope | | I.... | | am: | scared | | want: | mitch | | need: | to know hes okay | | crave: | assurance | | love: | my friends | | hate: | feeling like smething terriable is going to happen | | did: | not think last night | | feel: | like shit and hate myself for it | | miss: | his voice | | am annoyed by: | myself | | would rather: | be hanging out w/ mitch than istting in my pjs | | am tired of: | over thinking things | | will always: | hate myself for last night | | SILLY STUFF | | What is your favourite genre of music?: | sappy love music | | What time is it now?: | 10:14 | | What day is it?: | Sunday | | Whens the last time you called someone?: | last night, Heater | | How much money do you have right now?: | at leat 80 dollars | | Are you hungry?: | no | | Whatcha doin?: | thinkin | | Do you like parades?: | yeah | | Do you like the moon?: | yeah | | What are you going to do when youre done with this?: | probably go lay w/ kate and talk to her | | Isnt cup a funny word when you repeat it over and over?: | no | | If you could have any magical power what would it be?: | to make everyone happy | | Have you ever had a picnic?: | no | | Did you ever have one of those skip-its when you were young?: | what | | What about sock em boppers?: | yeah | | Are you wearing any socks right now?: | no | | DO YOU THINK YOU ARE | | funny?: | yeah | | pretty?: | no | | sarcastic?: | yeha | | lazy?: | sometimes | | hyper?: | sometimes | | friendly?: | to most people | | evil?: | no | | smart?: | depends | | strong?: | yeah | | talented?: | no | | dorky?: | yeah | | ASSOCIATE THESE WORDS WITH SOMEONE YOU KNOW (or dont know) | | high: | ughhh | | skip: | me katie and katie jo | | dance: | "skittles" | | lonely: | myself | | pen: | mr stark | | flower: | jenny | | window: | idk | | psycho: | idk | | brain freeze: | idk | | orange: | katie | | sassy: | katie jo | | jelly: | idk | | FOR OR AGAINST | | suicide: | against | | love: | for | | drunk drivers: | against | | airplanes: | against | | war: | against | | canada: | for | | united states: | for | | rock music: | for | | gay marriage: | against | | school: | against | | surveys: | fo | | parents: | against | | cars: | for | | killing: | against | | britney spears: | against | | coffee: | against | | pants: | for | | WOULD YOU EVER | | Sky dive?: | yes | | Play strip poker?: | yes | | Run away?: | i did sorta.. | | Curse at a teacher?: | no | | Not take a shower for a week?: | no | | Ask someone out?: | yeah | | Lie to someone to make them think better of you?: | im sure we all have | | Visit a foreign country for more than a month?: | no | | Go scuba diving?: | yeah | | Write a book?: | yeah | | Become a rockstar?: | yeah | | Have casual sex?: | no | | LAST QUESTIONS | | What shampoo do you use?: | whatevers in the shower | | Whens the last time you did something sexual with the opposite sex?: | a while ago | | What kind of computer do you have?: | a dell | | What grade are you in?: | 11th | | Do you like to throw popcorn at people in the movies?: | no | | Or just make out?: | no | | How many posters do you have in your room?: | none | | How many cds do you have?: | some | | What time is it now?: | 10:20 | Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink! |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 9 October :: 11.40 pm
:: Music: Live-"The Dolphins Cry"
We went to the haunt and I honestly have never been more scared in my life, and not because of anything that even has to do with the Haunt.
The second I saw him, my heart just stopped and I will never ever do anything like that again. It's not worth it. I know if anything happens tonight while he's sleeping I will never forgive myself.
*pray
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 9 October :: 4.19 pm
So today me and Kate went to Champion and on the way home we drive past an old man standing on the side of the road, holding up a sign that reads, "Will work for food" So I made Kate quick whip into the gas station and we bought him A lunchable, cookies, pringales, ham and cheese sandwhich, pack of twinkies, chips, and a pack of gum, and diet coke. And I cannot even tell you how much better it made me feel. To see him smile and give him a hug, and all he said was God Bless your heart, and my heart just broke. To help one person, by the littlest thing, felt so good.
~Jess
1 comment |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 9 October :: 9.47 am
I've never felt this way about anything before. Never felt so good. Never felt the way they were talking about.
Yesterday I got outta school, me and Kate went to work for a little bit, got our paychecks went to the bank, went tanning, I got my nails done, then Jess and I hung out. I love my Pappy!!!
I cannot wait until Homecoming I'm so excited! I'm going out with Mitch, Luke, and Taylor. I still need to get earings, make up, glitter :) Possiably shoes if I see ones I really like , and who knows what else. So me Katie Jo, and Kate are going shopping Sunday. If we all feel up to it after tonight.
I'm still not sure if I can do it or not. A part of me has always said just wait, and I know if I waited maybe it wouldn't be life altering, I know that , but it would still be special that I would do that for someone. The other part of me says, that doens't matter. Love is love, and if you love someone and your meant to be wth them, that won't have any effect in the matter, they will still love you just as much. I guess the only thing I'm worried about is I'm not IN love, which I always thought I would be. I need that assurance also which I wouldn't have for at least two weeks from today, which isn't enough time. Maybe I'm the only one who even feels this way about the situation anyhow, maybe that honestly hasn't even crossed his mind yet...I don't know, but I need to find out, I need to know other feeligns before I decide on my own.
For the past year and a half I have never been fully happy with myself, never fullly happy with my life, or anything in it. It was always my family, a boy, school work, a friend, a class, a dance, a job, not driving, myself, always somethign that was keeping me from be happy. And I feel like this huge weight has just been lifted off my shoulders. I don't worry about family anymore. I decided that I'm going to stop trying, even stop communicating as much as possiable because I honestly know...things will never change. My parents are set in their messed up ways, their pathetic attitudes, and just will never be the parents that I not only WANT them to be, or NEED them to be, but the people they HAVE to be to keep me around. I won't sacrafice my happiness just because they aren't happy, that isn't family to me. And i'm just tiered of being sad and upset because of family hurting me all the time. I'm done. I just don't care. I don't know how terriable that comes off as, but honestly this is my situation and this is the only way it can be handled. I pray to God one day things will be different, but I'm not getting my hopes up because I know chances are they always suceed in disapointing me. Disapointing themselves. Maybe the Schaub's are blood related family, but if family isn't people who take you in when you have no place else to go and give you everything they have, not jjust the physical things but their heart, their love, their care, then I don' know what family is. That is what I've always wanted and I'm not risking it for people who have lied to me and failed me since I was born. Me and Kate have a friendship like no other, that I couldn't thank God enough for! I need that, I'll admit I'm a very need person. I need a family! I need best friends! I need someoen to cuddle and hug and kiss away my problems! I need a best friend by my side to talk to all the time, and I only hope Kate knows im always here for her too.
Jess is happy, or getting there and I can't even begin to tell you how much happier that makes me! My best friend, she deserves the world! I just hope you see that someday Jess! and how different I would be without you!
And Mitch I have liked him for the longest time. I've known him since we were little, and I'm so happy that things are going the way they are. I'm not going to over push things, I' mgoing to let thigns just happen, and see where they go, but I wnot ever do anything less than my best at giving my heart.
Life is just good, and I have no one else but my friends and the people I care about most to thank for that!
~Jess
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 9 October :: 12.33 am
I honestly couldn't be any happier right now. The Schaub's are my family! They've taken me in and given me everything! I live w/ my best friend and always have someone right there for me and vice versa and I honestly don't know what I would do without Kate.
Mitch and I are finally happening and Homcoming is just around the corner and I honestly wouldn't want to go with anyone else. Not a single person. :)
I love my pappy!
And most importantly, I'm happy with myself with my life and owuldn't have anything any other way!
I love you~~~ Jess
4 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 8 October :: 7.24 pm
So Mitch asked me to Homecoming today! I'm so happy,y ou have no idea!
~Jess
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 8 October :: 1.20 pm
I’ll pretend like it doesn’t bother me, but this past week…you don’t know how much closer it’s driven me to just breaking down because it’s the one thing that I have been looking forward too. Yeah, I’m sure there are a million “reasons” why , and maybe I should just handle it myself, maybe I *AM* over thinking it, and maybe I do have it all wrong.
But Maybe I have it alright and the one thing I think I’ve found, I’ve found the complete opposite. Maybe I am right, and maybe this is just going to make everything so much worse.
I guess I’ll find out after school…
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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2004 7 October :: 9.30 am
This just might be the worse day I've had through this entire month.
I hate her more than words can describe. I never want to feel this way after today. If that means just cutting you off completely, I will.
I hate you.
2 comment..choose the best time |
You almost always pick the best times to drop the worst lines.. |
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