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fluttering beats in the dark

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:: 2019 28 February :: 11.40 am

violently treading water to keep my lungs filled with air

never realized it was my own tears I am drowning in

I just need a life preserver tossed out here. but the boat is too far away and no one knows what a life preserver looks like.

I'll be ok. I'll be ok I'll be always ok.

are you reaching out

:: 2019 22 February :: 12.09 am

rewatching JoJo's bizarre adventure because I remember next to nothing about the first season and after watching a bunch of round about memes I had to watch it

I love this show. I should read the manga

are you reaching out

:: 2019 20 February :: 6.37 am

each of our hearts contain reminants of super Nova
each of us has a yearning to be part of something greater than the whole
each of us are alone burning out our fires
until we, too, erupt into bright fireworks of destruction

are you reaching out

:: 2019 12 February :: 6.17 am

where did all my ambition go? why does a career change terrify me so much?

I hate the company I work for, but I make a buttload of money doing something I could literally do in my sleep. and occasionally I get to really help people, which is the best and most rewarding part of the job.

I try to frame it positively, I try to be thankful I have a job that does give me a full time consistent schedule, with good wage, ok benefits, and I literally only have to go into the physical office 1 time a month. in the big scheme of things I'm very fortunate... so why do I feel so empty inside?

is it just because it's a job? or is it because every other year i give 120% and then get reduced to the same number I got when I gave 60%... I get disheartened. I want to be challenged, I need an occasion to rise to. otherwise I just coast. but my current boss sucks at employee development, she's new, it's ok.

I just hate insurance. I hate corporate America. I hate big business and big money. i spend a third of my time doing something for something I despise to my very core. maybe that's the problem.

are you reaching out

:: 2019 11 February :: 8.34 pm

told my boss I wanted a 12/15 this year

she basically told me to dream on...

it's fucking rigged and I know it is. my blood is boiling. what's the point? what's the fucking point.

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