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dmlxoxo

:: 2006 12 February :: 2.49pm
:: Mood: angry

NEWSFLASH: i am not a doormat.
i resent the fact that people think i'm weak- because i'm not.
just because i'm an easy target doesnt mean that i'm not strong enough to hold my own. fuck it, i do it all the time, just people don't see it. just because people make fun of me and tease me all the time and i refuse to say stuff back to them doesn't mean im too weak to deal with it. i deal with it inside, i let it weigh me down, and i spin it apart inside me until i can unburden myself.

thats just my nature. i can't talk back and say mean things in my defense that i don't mean. its not me to just say shit to someone's face just to make them mad because they made me mad first. and as stupid as this may seem, no matter how much i take, i just keep on taking, sometimes even without considering ever hurting the person for retaliation.

to tell you the truth though, i'm sick of it. its tiring to go through each day with certain people making sure that you don't say things so you can be safe from the mocking. there are some people that i can't even be myself around anymore, and having to act in front of them makes me upset. i shouldn't have to mask who i really am just to save myself from being beat up on.

there are people who look for things to make fun of in me, and they admit to it too. they've flat out told me that they make fun of me more than they tease other people because i'm the easy target who doesn't fight back. but i know, just as others who know me well know, that one of these days i'm going to be pushed too far. and then, everything that ive been dealing with inside all along will come out. the walls will break down and it'll crash damn hard onto whoever it is that pushes the wrong button. so much has been pent up the whole time, i just don't understand why people feel the need to take advantage of the nice guys. just because i'm an easy target doesn't mean that you have to take advantage of that. i am not a doormat, and i do not want to be walked all over. it may come off as vulnerablility, it may come off as a weakness, but its really not, you all just don't see whats going on underneath the surface, you don't know whats been brewing for years.

and one of these days i'm going to be pushed off the deep end, and the shit's going to hit the fan. its only a matter of time.

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dmlxoxo

:: 2006 9 January :: 5.46pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: #41

just something i wrote, exactly how i feel right now....
i sit at the big round table, staring straight into your eyes,
they absorb me, and i get lost in them quickly;
i can never penetrate that poker face.
stiff and still, i trust it always, without reason-
but hope: hope that this will be the time it's worth the risk.
i can only play the cards that i've been dealt.
please see the beauty in what they are.
and if you should win me over, do with them what you will,
but do remember to handle with care.
so many times i've laid my heart out on the table,
diamonds and spades insignificant in the game of love,
nestle it gently among the rest of your hand,
safe and sound- if only the cards weren't to be shuffled.
keep in mind, this is a game: i try to remember
with the queen of hearts in my hand-
"fold, fold, before you lose out, its all or nothing and both come at a cost..."
but somehow to me it's worth the gamble; 100 losses are worth the chances of a single win.

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canthandleit

:: 2005 28 November :: 7.24pm
:: Music: nothing

thats it

i am so sick of everything right now..not to mention how HORRIBLe shit with my mom is..i cannot deal with so many people right now..and you complain when i don't make an effort and then i start making an effort and you talk about me behind my back and don't want me to be there..and surprisingly shit like that hurts me..because maybe you don't like me so much now..im not so sure if you even know me anymore but i don't feel like it's too late until suddenly im there in an awkward situation and i realize that any effort now is just worthless..i hate this so much..i hate to think it's too late..and i hate to feel on the outside so much..at least pretend you still like me..its bad enough that i feel replaced..and maybe its completely my fault but now that i'm trying to make up for it there's just no use..i dunno..im so fed up with everything..i just needed to vent..i wish people were still here for me..theres a small few i can rely on..oh and if you ever need me..ill still be here


cheri

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canthandleit

:: 2005 4 November :: 4.24pm

duz everyone feel this alone?

DrOp1bAybZ...


dmlxoxo

:: 2005 3 November :: 10.43pm
:: Mood: cranky

so pretty much, i fell off the face of the woohu earth without even realizing it.
i have so much to say and i just have kept putting it off because it keeps piling up and i dont even know where to begin, so for now, ill keep it short and sweet just to bring myself back into the world.

it was just tonight while talking to steph online when i remembered that this was somewhere to express my emotions, a real outlet (not as if i didnt already know that), but she made me reread one of my posts and i started to tear. its amazing how logging emotions and parts of life into this thing can be so strong. i completely forgot about half the stuff i wrote from last year:
POINT PROVEN- i need this, because if reading something from just 6 months ago could affect me so much, i cant imagine what ill do when im 20 and i read this stuff from high school.

its more powerful than we all think.

anyway, im back.

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dmlxoxo

:: 2005 6 July :: 4.40pm
:: Mood: horny
:: Music: Mikes guitar and Scary Movie 3.

This is Zacky G. posting in Dlit's woohu. BIATCH!
Zack on danielle:

Danielle is my girl for life. She really is the one person in my life i couldnt live without. Looking back on our friendship i really dont see where it first started.... It was like last summer something between us clicked. She was going through some tough shit and i guess i was just some one who understood what was going on with her life. The thing i found most attractive about her were her values. Unlike most girls at the time who were satisfied with hooking up with random guys she was more concerned with finding some one to loveand wouldnt settle for anything else. She really is a special girl. Her values and morals are so different than most ignorant shallow suburban girls. She is the deepest person i know. For some reason i am just so attracted to all these things that make her the person she is. I really am inlove with danielle, she is the one girl i love more than anyone else. I will go my entire life and never find some one as amazing as her. She is something deep and unique in a world full of shallow cookie cutter shaped individuals. Danielle, you will always be number one in my life.

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dmlxoxo

:: 2005 1 July :: 12.30am

http://community.webshots.com/photo/359017792/382615277VbYjnW
this. is. love.

DrOp1bAybZ...


dmlxoxo

:: 2005 5 May :: 4.18pm

draw me a pretty picture :)

DrOp1bAybZ...


briggs17

:: 2005 27 April :: 8.58pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: skeptics and true believers

idk
blah..

lost cell fone
lost a HUGE game...when we shouldnt have......like......idk cant really talk about my feelings toward this game...but thats behind..time to look ahead...pearl is going down if its the last thing i do
this weather blows
school is just.....overplayed..its like ok enough already your not worth my time
idk--i feel like i dont feel secure about a lot of things in my life..i just dont know the answer to so many things that i think i used to, or maybe im just maturing and i never really knew but i thought i did...either way, its a sucky feeling..empty a bit

im really tired and i have a lot of work to do--hmm, maybe for once i'll make an effort to do some of it..........altho i wouldnt bet on it

God Bless,
Briggy<3


all in all they're all just bricks in the wall


canthandleit

:: 2005 24 April :: 8.06am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: phone

<3

WhEn SuMoNe SeEmS t0o GoOd 2 Be TRuE
ThEy uSuaLLy aRe...

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dmlxoxo

:: 2005 19 April :: 7.12pm
:: Music: bitch- meredith brooks

life is a highway...
i havent written in this thing in the longest time, i guess thats not an unfamiliar concept to our woohu world, though. i keep on waiting until i have something to write about, and finally, i do.

as far as lives go, mines been pretty damn good all these years. as far as lives go lately, i find that statement fits well also. i think this is due to a bunch of things, but mainly because there has been such a turn around in terms of how i treat myself. since the beginning of last july, i had no idea how to respect myself in terms of guys. i went the first fifteen years of my life waiting and expecting my prince charming to come and sweep me off my feet to some far off happily-ever-after. finally i realized that that was never going to happen, at least not any time soon, so i started to just hook up with a bunch of different guys that i liked, yet every time, my heart was broken. i guess deep down inside i was still holding out for my soul mate, and just decided that by handing my heart out to every guy i had a slight attraction to. time after time i would be pushed to the ground, and time after time id stand up and let it happen again. it wasnt that i was naiive to what was happening, it was just that i simply didnt care, to me at the time, the chance of emotional pain was minimal compared to the chance of happiness. i had no respect formyself and didnt even realize this was the case. the turning point was jlew. i let him do it to me too. but unlike all the other boys that i let take advantage of me, somewhere along the line i got fed up with being a doormat. after jlew, i was hesitant to do anything until i figured out exactly what it was that i wanted and needed, and eventually, i did. recently ive harvested the fruits of my experience. i took the things ive learned from my mistakes and realized that all i really need is someone i care about and trust, and the ability to take things at a steady pace without rushing and obsessing. still, more important yet, as soon as i realized this i found it in someone. things with jon have been so awesome lately. ive found that happy medium in him, but more than anything ive found that trust that ive never encountered before in any other guy. i can be myself around him without thinking twice about what im doing and making sure that its considered acceptable or normal, just as long as its "danielle". when the time is right to fully and completely hand my heart over to him, ill have no problem with it at all, i know he'll handle my heart with care and i know hes the one i want to have it.

while ive found such an incredible balance and completeness in my life with jon, ive been struggling with other relationships in my life a lot lately....namely, my mother. we've always had a rough relationship in terms of communication and sometimes treatment of eachother, but lately things have been worse than usual. while on the outside to all of my friends, she seems like the sweetest woman, and she is to them, to me and my dad she feels like she doesnt have to try to be nice around us. shes always struggled with the problem of knowing how to deal with anger, and everything, every little thing she says comes out with an attitude or ends (and starts) in a screaming war. according to my dad, shes always been this way. her mother was this way to her, and now shes the same way as her mother was. time after time we've told her "its not what you say, its how you say it" but nothing ever gets through to her. she doesnt listen to what you have to say, because when her mind is made up, sometimes its best to just give up and forget everything that you wanted when dealing with her.

im sick of doing that, though. im sick of not doing things i want to do because its easier to not argue with her. im sick of watching her run certain aspects of me and my dad's lives because theres no other way to deal with her.

she also claims that shes my friend. as far as im concerned, thats the biggest load of crap ive ever heard. if she was my friend, she wouldnt treat me like she does. if she was my friend, she would be nice to me. if she was my friend, she wouldnt just assume that i have to like her because she has to be in my life so she doesnt have to try to treat me nicely. but shes wrong. she has to try. because to tell you the truth, if i werent her daughter i wouldnt like her. i dont like her a lot of times. i think this partially comes from the fact that i dont understand her. the woman is scared of everything. its what holds her back from the world and what holds me in from a lot of things. on the top of her list is people. the reason she loves animals so much, i think at least, is because of their inability to hurt her emotionally and their need to be cared for. theres nothing to be scared of, they dont have the capacity to hurt people, and they cant tell her shes wrong or go against her. because they need her. she's scared of everything, i dont understand how anyone could go through life fearing everything, always asking "what if..." and always considering the worst case scenario and assuming that its a possibility. what kind of a life is that?
my dad kind of wants to go for counseling, considering shes never going to change. thats so hard for me, because she took after her mother...and i dont want to travel down that road.

with every good, comes some bad, i guess life cant be completely perfect at any time.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1.

"cause everybody knows you've got to breathe..."-dmb




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dmlxoxo

:: 2005 30 March :: 5.34pm
:: Mood: ecstatic

holy crap---last time i updated was...a really long time ago.
its not that i havent been doing it because im "too busy" or "i forgot", its actually quite the opposite, ive been wracking my brain for something to write about and i got nothing. i dont know what it is, my life hasnt been painfully boring or anything lately, just that i find theres nothing for me to write about when i sit down to do it, but i guess ill just give it a go, some random stuff thatll make for a bad entry:

-today i finally got the fruit of my hard work--an a- on my euro essay. thank god for small favors, possibly getting a c for the quarter now?
-dont u just love when you come across people who are 100% genuinely good hearted, nice people? and even better, when you realize that you dont have to seek them out, but that theyre already in your world? i love when you find people like that, when you find that genuinely good person in someone you've always had around. and its not even that i didnt know that side existed, because i always did, but for some reason i just find it shining through more lately. sometimes i feel totally blessed by the people around me--its a wondeerful feeling.

as far as im concerned, this weekend could not come any sooner. and we've only been in school for 2 days. and look at that, only 2 more to go....i can do it, right??


maybe one of these days this writers block will relieve itself and ill come up with something better than this crap that i just wrote
xoxoxdml

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briggs17

:: 2005 22 March :: 8.49pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: champagne supernova



hi



God Bless,
Briggs<3


dmlxoxo

:: 2005 13 February :: 9.30pm

there are times when you get yourself so worked up over something that you say things you don't mean. we all know it happens, and this is not me trying to excuse myself from the things i wrote in the previous entry.

after getting all of those comments, i just went back and reread what i wrote and swear to god that i didnt even remember half the things i said because a lot of it was my rushing emotions talking, not me. i sounded like a pompous asshole. and for that i'm sorry. i didn't mean to pass judgement on anyone, especially people im friends with, and for that, im sorry too. because i dont even believe half of the things i wrote when im thinking straight.

gabi was right on target. i need to work on fixing what could potentially be wrong with me and her and not get so scared that i throw my problems and point fingers to other people. i put the entire weight of my fears on my other friends, and offended them in the process, and did so without even realizing this.

but all of this stems out of where she and i used to be, not even the drinking, but the fact that when we were little, it wasnt her and me, it was her and someone else. and i wanted to badly to be her best friend, to have the best friendship they had with eachother. but they would push me away and make fun of me, and be mean to me. and last year when i lost her this whole not being wanted thing resurfaced. you all have your siblings and other constants in your lives, but shes all i have. you know ur siblings will always be there for you, and thats who she is to me, but for me, i have the chance of losing her. and thats a scary reality.


im sorry to anyone i offended, you're all important to me, just remember that.

DrOp1bAybZ...


dmlxoxo

:: 2005 9 February :: 5.38pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: fool to think- dave matthews band

okay. you wanna play like this? we can play like this.
just keep it up. push me farther, closer and closer with every action you take, with everything you say, til i reach the edge until i explode. you like to flirt with boundaries dont you? you like to push buttons. you like to be the cause of tension. you like to make other people miserable- dont you?

just because you cant find a happy place for yourself doesnt mean you have to antagonize other people around you who have been fortunate enough to find theirs, or able enough to create one. i know its a form of comfort to see that other people are miserable, but why do you have to be the one to cause other people's problems? shouldnt that make you more upset at yourself, knowing that you're the cause of other people's problems for the sake of creating waves?

ooooooh what i wouldnt give to just go up to you and tell you what everyone thinks of you. what i wouldnt give to show you that the whole act you put on to cover up who you really are is totally transparent. everyone sees right through you. everyone knows you're fake. everyone knows that you talk behind peoples backs, mine included. how you manage to affect my life in this way is beyond me since you and i arent even close, but jesus, STEP BACK AND TAKE A LOOK AROUND ONCE AND A WHILE, because you could use some major adjustments.

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