On Getting What You Want Out of Life
I have a habit of working myself all up to want something...really want something...and when I finally knock on the door of opportunity...I knock just once. Ba-dump bump, it's me, any room in the inn? and if it doesn't open, I turn away, go sit down, and remain motionless for years at a time.
2017 11 April :: 10.13am
:: Mood: relieved
:: Music: general funk
Another door shut. Another tangent I don't have to explore. The older I get, the less pressure I feel to twist myself into all these unnatural pretzel shapes. The less I feel the need to change to fit the image I see in my head, or to meet the expectations of others. Overall it's a good thing, but at the same time I'm left with more questions: If my path isn't being defined by the authorities in my life, by the institutions that I once looked up to, then it's all up to me. And what do I want it to look like?
Do I want to get married? To be somebody's wife? Is that something I ever really wanted?
I wish now more than ever that I hadn't shut you out. You believed in me, never mocked me for what I liked. What would you have said to me when I was ten years old?
2017 17 March :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: grateful
:: Music: Deux Arabesques (I), Debussy
Today was really, really good. The whole week was, actually. I'm working in the studio now - I had a student today. I feel bad that I haven't practiced much in my Gershwin. BUT, I have been drilling my shit. Had to double-check stuff like augmented chords and melodic minors scale fingerings. It's been good refreshing my own memory as I'm starting to tread those old neuropathways again.
Teaching is interesting. I never thought I would like it, but it's actually been pretty cool so far. The studio is a really positive environment and there's a lot of talent in the community to build upon. Like, I can actually say I have a career in music now. Working artist, I can live with that.
It feels sudden and new, like we just moved here all over again. I can't wait for spring to turn into summer, when we can open up the doors again and have breakfast on the balcony. Not that I can't go out there without perpetually being afraid of the bees. But still. I have regained sureness that I did the right thing. It's a good feeling, knowing you were right all along about following your own advice. Ha...if you're as into mental masturbation as I am, apparently.