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:: 2017 14 October :: 8.18pm

Jesus Christ, this BoJack is fucking me up

2 little birds | sing


:: 2017 6 October :: 11.35pm

so much cray shit going on in the world

1 little bird | sing


:: 2017 29 August :: 4.01pm
:: Mood: defiant

trying to listen to my intuition
I thought that I needed to master each lesson in turn before moving on to the next. But some lessons are absorbed over time, and you can't get the full meaning just by repeating the words until they're memorized.

I admit, I confess. But I also object, and I demand redress.



:: 2017 28 August :: 2.54pm

I've been struggling with an injury for YEARS. It comes and goes. I've managed to power through it, stop for a bit, rehab it, go back at it then the cycle starts over again. This time, I am trying to stop completely, go back to square one and start all over again.

This is frustrating. Especially when I've been working on it for almost a year between PT visits and gym visits. I think I am doing really well then I have a set back and then get depressed about it.

And I also get scared because it's an injury to my foot and I fear that it'll eventually be the last straw and my foot will essentially fall apart and I'll need surgery. After working in PT, I can tell you that foot surgery doesn't always have a happy ending. I'm a trail runner. Some times foot surgery results in not being able to run again. Or maybe techniques have gotten better in the past few years. I don't know.

All I know is I am depressed, disappointed, frustrated and trying to find motivation to keep moving forward. Letting myself feel these feelings is important because being a runner is part of my identity and I have temporarily lost that part. That's something to mourn. But at some point I have to get over the fear, anxiety and depression and keep moving forward.

I might have had a set back, minor. My ankle is more swollen today than it has been in weeks. And more sore. But I also rode by bike 18 miles yesterday... and 16 miles the week before. Which I think attributes to some of the soreness cause I don't know what else it could be.

I am doing my PT program pretty regularly but now that I am done with school, it's time to step it up. All of it. I am leaving for NZ in 6 months. NZ is the outdoor mecca of the world and I want to be able to do things when I'm there. I want to be able to run trails, go for long bike rides, try surfing, maybe get back to yoga and CrossFit, maybe try taking up martial arts (I've always wanted to try) but part of me isn't sure if that's realistic given that my foot condition is chronic.

I have to believe that I will get better. And that the time and effort will be worth it and that I'll come back stronger than before. I have to believe that. I have to believe that I can still be an athlete.

I'm almost 28. I don't want to stop now. I have so many things left to explore.



:: 2017 15 August :: 9.12pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Explosions in the Sky

I miss working with D so fucking much.

For one thing, he was talented. Not as good as me, but he was smart, and passionate, and political, and he knew the game even better than I did. He knew what I could do, and he knew what I wanted. And for a little while, I thought I was what he wanted.

Honestly I didn't mind so much, the way that things ended in that department. But the fact that he stopped talking to me about his projects and ideas, the fact that we stopped composing and writing, that fucking killed me. I didn't care about losing a boy toy. But I really cared about losing my partner.

That's what he was to me: my creative partner. Do you know how fucking rare that is to find? Someone who likes you and shares enough of your headspace to collaborate on a project, let alone dream up a lifetime of projects?

And then he just...stopped...
...replying to emails, texts...
...and got married...

About four years ago (after we had already stopped talking, way before he got married) I was getting on a plane in the middle of some shitty weather, and I had one of those overhyped, irrational fear moments where I wondered maybe for a second if the plane might not land - that I might not come out the other side. So I pulled out my phone, literally jogging with my luggage down the terminal (because we also had like 5 minutes or something before the next plane was scheduled for takeoff), and he was the person I called with my minute to spare. Not my boyfriend, not my parents, not my best friend. I called D, and went to voicemail - and yeah, I left one of those sappy messages that's like, "... ... ..." but what could I say? I love you? I miss you? Even then, it would have been too much. So I just said something completely stupid like... "hey...I'm about to get on a plane...thinking of you..."

He told me later that he got it. But I don't know whether he "got" what I was really trying to say, behind the words, in that moment.

I never talk about him anymore, or think about him, really. But sometimes when I'm wondering why it's so hard to be creative on my own, without a structure, or a friend, I remember D. And I feel just a little bit better knowing that somewhere, a billion years ago before I got all jaded and empty, someone held my hand...and walked along with me and saw what I saw when I pointed up at the stars and said, "that looks like..." and "what if we...?"



:: 2017 14 August :: 11.55pm
:: Mood: pissed off

I am not your friend.
I'm not your lover.
I'm not your family.



:: 2017 10 August :: 2.26pm

We're moving out by next year. I could use a change of scene for sure. Currently fantasizing about a kitschy townhome way too close to downtown, where the leaves will turn yellow and crisp in the fall and rustle along the sidewalk in piles and tipsy tailgaters will stagger past in noisy droves en route to the football stadium, giving us something to complain about every Saturday afternoon.



:: 2017 5 August :: 7.11pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: Kaikoura Dub

excuse me for reading
So EXCUSE ME FOR READING at pool parties after I get exhausted from making small talk for four hours with ten strangers I don't know. EXCUSE ME for daring to crack open a book and engage my brain cells while you're jumping down waterslides - without breaking your neck by going backwards, I might add, at my advice. But sure, trash talk me behind my back, like a fucking pussy, after I fix your stupid bathing suit top and everything to keep your little titties from popping out in the middle of a conversation with your dumb jock friends. That's right, go ahead and smirk at me from far away like a little bitch while I read me some Virginia Woolf, who makes for much better company than you, you vapid attention whore.

2 little birds | sing


:: 2017 3 August :: 9.51am

'Emily is Away'
Hey friends, koalalady has a summer games suggestion: 'Emily is Away'. It's an IM-based choices game, and if you like Woohu and have been hanging around here for a while, you might like this game. It's short and sweet, and you don't have to do anything except type. Be prepared for all the early 2000s nostalgia.

Oh, and it's free to play and works on both Mac and Windows.

xoxo, koalady



:: 2017 25 July :: 8.06am

Hello feelings!
Some days I do a really awesome job at managing my life and inner-world, other days it all crashes and burns. Or is on the verge of crashing and burning but I catch it before it does.

That's where we are right now, on a verge. It's funny, being on the verge of crashing always comes right after the time I say "YAY! Look at me! Look at how well I'm coping!"

Overconfidence. It kills every time.

Anyway - I am currently extremely overwhelmed. There's a large move coming up in 8 months, I'm at the very end of my Master's program, my internship site wants to hire me... a lot of changes are happening and some times I do okay with navigating them. Other times it's like "WOAH! Hit the brakes! This is too much!"

Today I hit the brakes. I was supposed to go to internship but I looked at my task list of school assignments due all within the next week or two and got very overwhelmed. So I took a break. I am kind of worried about making sure I finish my internship hours... I know I won't actually finish in time but another week or two after where I won't have classes at all... I'll have a chance to finish them then. Cause I'll have like 30-40 left.

It'll be fine. I keep telling myself it'll be fine.
Cause it will. Life always seems to work out... one way or another. And some times you have to switch around priorities and juggle different things.

I feel guilty for having to draw the line somewhere but I also have an interview today which is already stressing me out. So yeah. Drawing the line here is better than having a breakdown over there. I've had enough of those in the past to know when they're coming. And one is looming... if I let things go unchecked.

That's the difficult part about struggling with mental illness. You try and act like everyone else and keep pace with everyone else but some days you have to slow down and stop.
I hate that. I'm trying to learn to accept it but doesn't mean I don't hate it any less.
Cause slowing down is hard and part of me feels "less than" because I do have to slow down and navigate my life a little differently.

If I don't... then I won't have a life that is worth living at all. It'd be a huge chaotic mess and I'd be having episodes every other weeks and yeah, it'd be bad.

I feel slightly less guilty and slightly less overwhelmed now. I think. Maybe?

I am still an excellent clinician even if I miss a day or two of work. Taking care of me. That's what excellent clinicians do right? Take care of themselves before they can take care of others. And some times that means acknowledging the feelings of being overwhelmed and dealing with them instead of letting them fester into something destructive.

Yes. That's what I am doing, I am acknowledging that right now I am overwhelmed. And I need to take steps to deal with it but also accept that this soon will pass and I'll go back to being okay.

It'll all be fine. It always is :)


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