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:: 2017 15 August :: 9.12pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Explosions in the Sky

I miss working with D so fucking much.

For one thing, he was talented. Not as good as me, but he was smart, and passionate, and political, and he knew the game even better than I did. He knew what I could do, and he knew what I wanted. And for a little while, I thought I was what he wanted.

Honestly I didn't mind so much, the way that things ended in that department. But the fact that he stopped talking to me about his projects and ideas, the fact that we stopped composing and writing, that fucking killed me. I didn't care about losing a boy toy. But I really cared about losing my partner.

That's what he was to me: my creative partner. Do you know how fucking rare that is to find? Someone who likes you and shares enough of your headspace to collaborate on a project, let alone dream up a lifetime of projects?

And then he just...stopped...
...replying to emails, texts...
...and got married...

About four years ago (after we had already stopped talking, way before he got married) I was getting on a plane in the middle of some shitty weather, and I had one of those overhyped, irrational fear moments where I wondered maybe for a second if the plane might not land - that I might not come out the other side. So I pulled out my phone, literally jogging with my luggage down the terminal (because we also had like 5 minutes or something before the next plane was scheduled for takeoff), and he was the person I called with my minute to spare. Not my boyfriend, not my parents, not my best friend. I called D, and went to voicemail - and yeah, I left one of those sappy messages that's like, "... ... ..." but what could I say? I love you? I miss you? Even then, it would have been too much. So I just said something completely stupid like... "hey...I'm about to get on a plane...thinking of you..."

He told me later that he got it. But I don't know whether he "got" what I was really trying to say, behind the words, in that moment.

I never talk about him anymore, or think about him, really. But sometimes when I'm wondering why it's so hard to be creative on my own, without a structure, or a friend, I remember D. And I feel just a little bit better knowing that somewhere, a billion years ago before I got all jaded and empty, someone held my hand...and walked along with me and saw what I saw when I pointed up at the stars and said, "that looks like..." and "what if we...?"



:: 2017 14 August :: 11.55pm
:: Mood: pissed off

I am not your friend.
I'm not your lover.
I'm not your family.



:: 2017 10 August :: 2.26pm

We're moving out by next year. I could use a change of scene for sure. Currently fantasizing about a kitschy townhome way too close to downtown, where the leaves will turn yellow and crisp in the fall and rustle along the sidewalk in piles and tipsy tailgaters will stagger past in noisy droves en route to the football stadium, giving us something to complain about every Saturday afternoon.



:: 2017 5 August :: 7.11pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: Kaikoura Dub

excuse me for reading
So EXCUSE ME FOR READING at pool parties after I get exhausted from making small talk for four hours with ten strangers I don't know. EXCUSE ME for daring to crack open a book and engage my brain cells while you're jumping down waterslides - without breaking your neck by going backwards, I might add, at my advice. But sure, trash talk me behind my back, like a fucking pussy, after I fix your stupid bathing suit top and everything to keep your little titties from popping out in the middle of a conversation with your dumb jock friends. That's right, go ahead and smirk at me from far away like a little bitch while I read me some Virginia Woolf, who makes for much better company than you, you vapid attention whore.

2 little birds | sing


:: 2017 3 August :: 9.51am

'Emily is Away'
Hey friends, koalalady has a summer games suggestion: 'Emily is Away'. It's an IM-based choices game, and if you like Woohu and have been hanging around here for a while, you might like this game. It's short and sweet, and you don't have to do anything except type. Be prepared for all the early 2000s nostalgia.

Oh, and it's free to play and works on both Mac and Windows.

xoxo, koalady



:: 2017 25 July :: 8.06am

Hello feelings!
Some days I do a really awesome job at managing my life and inner-world, other days it all crashes and burns. Or is on the verge of crashing and burning but I catch it before it does.

That's where we are right now, on a verge. It's funny, being on the verge of crashing always comes right after the time I say "YAY! Look at me! Look at how well I'm coping!"

Overconfidence. It kills every time.

Anyway - I am currently extremely overwhelmed. There's a large move coming up in 8 months, I'm at the very end of my Master's program, my internship site wants to hire me... a lot of changes are happening and some times I do okay with navigating them. Other times it's like "WOAH! Hit the brakes! This is too much!"

Today I hit the brakes. I was supposed to go to internship but I looked at my task list of school assignments due all within the next week or two and got very overwhelmed. So I took a break. I am kind of worried about making sure I finish my internship hours... I know I won't actually finish in time but another week or two after where I won't have classes at all... I'll have a chance to finish them then. Cause I'll have like 30-40 left.

It'll be fine. I keep telling myself it'll be fine.
Cause it will. Life always seems to work out... one way or another. And some times you have to switch around priorities and juggle different things.

I feel guilty for having to draw the line somewhere but I also have an interview today which is already stressing me out. So yeah. Drawing the line here is better than having a breakdown over there. I've had enough of those in the past to know when they're coming. And one is looming... if I let things go unchecked.

That's the difficult part about struggling with mental illness. You try and act like everyone else and keep pace with everyone else but some days you have to slow down and stop.
I hate that. I'm trying to learn to accept it but doesn't mean I don't hate it any less.
Cause slowing down is hard and part of me feels "less than" because I do have to slow down and navigate my life a little differently.

If I don't... then I won't have a life that is worth living at all. It'd be a huge chaotic mess and I'd be having episodes every other weeks and yeah, it'd be bad.

I feel slightly less guilty and slightly less overwhelmed now. I think. Maybe?

I am still an excellent clinician even if I miss a day or two of work. Taking care of me. That's what excellent clinicians do right? Take care of themselves before they can take care of others. And some times that means acknowledging the feelings of being overwhelmed and dealing with them instead of letting them fester into something destructive.

Yes. That's what I am doing, I am acknowledging that right now I am overwhelmed. And I need to take steps to deal with it but also accept that this soon will pass and I'll go back to being okay.

It'll all be fine. It always is :)



:: 2017 10 July :: 6.24am

dresses and skirts and shirts, oh my!
I think I have a shopping problem. I keep going back and forth with maybe I do and maybe I don't. But let's face it. I probably do.

Let's count how many pieces I have in my wardrobe and let you decide...

7 dresses
4 skirts
2 pairs of capris
1 pair shorts
3 pairs pants
6 tank tops
2 undershirts
too many shirts to count off the top of my head
3 or 4 sweaters that are packed away

and an infinite amount of exercise clothing.

So basically I have enough of a wardrobe to rotate through everything on a monthly basis.

I read all these things about having a "minimalist" wardrobe and how it makes people happier, only owning and wearing a few things that you LOVE.

I LOVE most of my clothes. A few of them I really, really like. But I think I LOVE at least half of them. And the sad part is... I go through this cycle of purge wardrobe to only things I LOVE. Realize how small said wardrobe is. Get frustrated wearing the same clothes week after week and a few weeks later... buy more so I don't have to keep wearing the same things.

Then it starts all over. The guilt. The annoyance. Guilt over spending so much on a wardrobe, annoyance over the fact I no longer LOVE most of it. And it goes on. And on. And on.

Stupid thing is, I don't even know if I want to put a stop to it. Even though I know I SHOULD because as a graduate student who is about to graduate into a field that pays very little... I know I won't have the budget for it.

Plus. I am about to move across the world. And can't take a whole lot with me... so maybe I should begin slowly scaling back now? Like maybe a shirt or a dress at a time?

I want to hang on to all of my clothes. Truly. But I know that I can't. I get a lot of guilt knowing I am giving something away that I spent $50-100 and only wore a handful of times.

All the blogs say it's as simple as a decision you make. To wear less. And only wear the things you LOVE. Not really, really like but LOVE. Maybe part of my problem is I purge too many things then feel a scarcity and need to get rid of that feeling. Or I put myself on a huge restriction of "No clothes for a year" and fail within the first month because I rebel... against myself.

Story of my damn life. Rebelling against myself. Haha.

Anyway, my point is maybe my old way of doing things isn't working and maybe I should try a different way.

The other thing is I become obsessed with thinking about outfits. Like what am I going to pair with what for something new and exciting? I think part of me thinks that everyone else will notice because I notice people's outfits and remember them. I don't pass judgement or anything like that, I am an observant person and just notice things like that. So I worry people will be observant like me and maybe they are and maybe they're like me and don't really pass judgement either.

I want more space in my head for other thoughts that aren't clothing related. And I want my mornings to be less hectic. And by less hectic I mean less time deciding what to wear and how to wear it. I've gotten better at this but every now and then I'll spend at least 30 minutes changing between outfits and leave my house feeling frazzled and stressed.

It's an endless cycle. One that I need to work on breaking. As I said, maybe doing it in baby steps is what I need to do.

We're going to try this. Getting rid of two shirts that I really, really like and don't LOVE and not buying anything new from 7/11-8/11. Then we'll go from there.



:: 2017 8 July :: 2.24pm

here and gone.
I get really bad anxiety, especially when it comes to food. I swear up and down that whatever I eat will kill me, then have a panic attack which then convinces myself that I am actually dying which makes me think... huh. Maybe that food is killing me. Then it keeps going down and down... even if the quiet voice in my head is like "You're okay. Honest."

I don't know what to do about it. It makes me not want to eat a lot because the anxiety gets to be so bad.

For instance, earlier... I made biscuits, that turned out absolutely disgusting. But I ate them anyway because I was in a weird place. And if I put honey on them... they tasted kind of okay. So a lot of them I kept putting honey on and now I swear I am dying from botulism. I'm not shaky from low blood sugar or lack of real food or anything like that. No, I am shaky because I am becoming paralyzed and will slowly not be able to breathe and then I'll die.

I am 99% convinced ya'll.

Even though I know it is not true. Like I know the reason I am truly shaking is because a. I am nervous about writing this and b. because my blood sugar is low cause hello, all I had were disgusting biscuits and honey.

I have to tell this to the panicking stick person running in my head and half the time it doesn't listen. It just runs around and around flailing its arms in the air going "AHHHHH" until it runs into a wall, falls down... only to get up and flail and run around some more.

It's kind of exhausting, I tell you.

It's this daily battle and I am not sure how to get it to stop short of just not eating so there isn't even any panic. But that is not an option.

So I will just continue to try and calm the panicking stick person and try and get it to stop running around arms flailing... but some times it's a losing battle.

Putting it out in the open helped a little. I guess. Maybe?

I don't know.

All I know is something has to change because I can't deal with it anymore. It's exhausting to panic all the time especially over something you can't avoid... like food. I think I understand were the panic comes from but I don't know what to do about that. I don't know if there's anything I can do about that part, the origin of the panic. But the panic itself... I think I can work on managing.

Maybe? I guess I'll keep trying.



:: 2017 4 July :: 9.51pm

Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?



:: 2017 28 June :: 3.10pm
:: Music: Kygo

I used to know exactly what I needed. There was a time when I could wake up, walk outside, and feel what my body and my mind were craving. Now it's harder to tell. Now my instincts are less sure-footed.

But, in a lot of ways, I did get what I wanted. I got out of Cedar. I got to disappear. I got away from the people and the culture and the religion that I didn't really like that much. Despite my constant anxiety about being a "failure" who "everybody hates," I am a working artist. I am, quite objectively, making it.



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