I have plans that may or may not happen, but I thought it through last night. I thought about it a lot, not just yesterday. In 5 years, I might go back to the states. But I want to go to another state. Maybe Minnesota because my friend lives there. I really really want to go to the midwest and I'm going to make it my goal. I have 5 years to prepare myself. Of course, I already have a college degree, so it's no problem.
If the Lord wants me to be there, I will know then, but if not, I will know also. The Lord God is the creator of this world. It doesn't matter where I go, he'll always be there.
I felt better about my life, exactly today. I went to church, and I see a new crowd of people. It helps me to forget the bad part of my life that already past. This is exactly where I needed to be, with the Lord. Today was the Lord Supper, and it went by quickly. It's a new start for me today. Some things I learned about life. Don't believe in people's words too easily, don't be too kind or helpful if unnecessary, don't get drawn in easily with what you think is appealing, don't open up to easily or else you will end up losing more than you will gain, most importantly, don't let anyone take advantage of you in an evil way, if you sense there is something wrong with them, back away immediately and stay away even if it means you won't have any friends.
Something is always going to be "wrong." Life is never going to be perfect, and it's certainly not going to be the perfect vision you see in your head. Like trying to find the Pleiades in the night sky. It gets blurred and faded when you look at it straight on, but you can see them more clearly in peripheral vision. Same with getting what you want, attaining the object of passion.
This is not the end of us, not yet. I will stay for another year, and just let the good things that are happening, happen.
And if I do need to leave, like go exploring or disappear or blow everything up again, he supports this. Like really actually fucking wants me to do what is best for me. Even if that's leaving (hopefully not permanently...I don't need to be totally untethered. Just enough to figure shit out on my own and be my own person.).
You'll never know how perfect it is until you see it from the outside.