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Black roses and Silver tears

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:: 2007 2 June :: 6.23 pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: Depeche Mode

GOD. No one tells me ANYTHING.
Okay. So. I'm pissed, because apparently Andrew, our guitarist, whom I kind of have a crush on, and who is close to me and dear to my heart, got a skull fracture (And maybe broke a bone in his ear) doing a stupid stunt just like I always tell those boys not to do. But that's not why I'm pissed, really. I'm pissed because no one told me UNTIL JUST NOW. I don't even know when it happened, exactly, but I know it was before wenesday, because we didn't have practice that day. And the worst part about things on my end? Sean's MOM told my DAD. No one told me. I called Sean to get Andrew's home number and he appologized for keeping me in the dark. I am so mad. And so sad. I can't believe this is happening. What if he's never the same? What if he can't play anymore? What if? What if! All the What if options are BAD. I'm so worried right now. I tried to call Andrew's house...but no answer. I just don't know what to do.

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2007 26 May :: 4.26 pm
:: Mood: blah

*Insert random keyboard gibberish here*
P:Ikehfj2n/eljkhn;3r2fmcn;2ou3rjkherwnfipo4dnw5! Gwertighy! ASDFJKL!

Yes you heard me.


We played at Creekfest today, and I don't think we sucked too badly!

But now I feel all BLEHG Becase I woke up at five this morning. Oh well.

Are you crying?

:: 2007 5 May :: 9.39 pm
:: Mood: apathetic

Holy shit and stuff
Wow, I'm actually posting here. It's a friggen miracle. I have no idea what the whole save the turtles thing is about, to be frank. but here I am, once again, a much different persan than I used to be.

My life was ripped apart when I realized Jon (Then my boyfriend of over a year and a half) was a total dipshit who had no notice of my emotions and never could. That hurt. So I broke up with him. We tried to stay friends but it didn't work. Mandi and I have drifted, she goes to college now, I'm not in school anymore. That's right. I dropped out. Because of depression and hallucinations. I went to a hospital day treatment program for a while but I hated it, so I stopped going. I kept having panic attacks and chest contractions and shit, and even though I take two or three adavan regularly the nurse would only give me one for my excruciating chest contractions. If you've never had one, it feels like a heartattack.

I hope someone sees this and reads it. I wonder if my dearest Nee will. Coment if you read this please. It would be nice to see someone happy to see me.

I've fallen into a state of depression. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to smile. I feel like fuckin' shit ALL THE TIME. I hate it. I don't think my meds are working right because I have breif moments of Mania as well, which always sucks.

I've been having urges to cut myself, but have resorted to other measures to cause myself pain; methods that don't leave permanent marks or become addictive. I only do this when I'm seriously freaking out, mind you, but it's deeply disturbing for me, because I always thought I'd never cut or hurt myself. Those were happier times, to say the least. I thought I was depressed then...but I really had no idea what depression was like. Tell me what an awful person I am or whatever, tell me I shouldn't, tell me your stories of how awful SI is. I don't really want to hear it though. I already know. I have numerous friends who cut or used to. I know it's bad. I know it's addictive. I know all that shit. I know about scars, and wanting to hide them. Mandi walks around in short sleeve or sleveless tops all the time, showing her scars to the world. It makes me proud of her. Proud of her courage, and proud that she stopped.

I miss seeing my friends. I miss having a life.

I've joined a band, finally, as the lead singer and sometimes bassist/floutist. Everyone in the band is great, and hott too, which is torturous, because everyone knows you can't date someone in your BAND. It's just not allowed. It fucks things up.

God, I need a boyfriend. Or someone. Anyone to love me and hold me and kiss me and tell me things will be alright.


Are you crying?

:: 2005 18 November :: 7.18 pm


It was amazing! Ian Anderson is a freaking GOD I bow down to him and worship him! OMFG!!! It was soooo cool. They had a violinist with them (she was 22) and at the begining of the second half of the show, Ian said a couple of things about the next song. "This might make your ears hurt." he said with a laugh. So they started in with a synth drone and she started playing. Suddenly it broke into Kashmir (Led Zeplin)! God, she was amazing too. The whole experience was just mindblowing. It really was. It was literally a dream come true. I've dreamed of seeing Tull for years, and I FINALLY SAW THEM! *Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!*

And it was weird. We were in Denver until at least 12 am. I was like, "Oh, hell. I'm going to be a zombie at school tomorrow. This morning I woke up feeling more awake than I have in ages. O.o

Today was the most un-school-like schoolday ever. For Second period (I have first off) Mandi was having a breakdown, so we went and talked to Ms. Cole (she's Mandi's caseworker really nice lady person) and didn't come back till a bit more than halfway through class. Then I went to third (science) and then I had to miss fourth and go to Nadyne's room and do math homework and start on a math test, then it was lunch, and Jon and I asked our fifth period teacher if we could miss today and hang out with Ms. Cole and Halaby. So he said yes and we stayed up there with all those guys and played Taboo for an hour. Then I went to math and stayed for the cheking over our homework part, then I went back to Nadyne's room to finish the test. That carried over into learning lab (basically study hall) and then I finished and Jon, Mandi and I hung out there until the bell rang. >.>;


Erm...any way...



Are you crying?

:: 2005 11 November :: 7.22 pm

Bwar. There is a real entry (*GASP*) below these quizes Love Compatibility Test Love Compatibility Test

Bwar. Kakashi rocks mah socks.

Yea. Anyways. I'm updating. It's the friggen end of the world.
When I dream, if I get touched, I feel it. I physically feel what's going on in my dreams. This can be a very unpleasant thing. Like two nights ago.
I was lying in bed in my room with my eyes closed trying to fall asleep when something grabbed my elbow and tugged on it, as if trying to pull me under the bed. I woke up with wide eyes and looked over to my arm. Nothing was there. So, I went back to sleep. Once again, something was yanking on my arm. Once again, I woke with wide eyes. This cycle continued for quite a while. I kept thinking, 'Maybe I should go into Mom and Dad's room. Maybe that will help...but they're really tired. I don't want to wake them up."
I regretted that decision.
I lay in bed, trying to go to sleep when I feel the hand on my elbow again, only this time it's followed by another hand placed on my shoulder. Whatever it was pulled itself up. I turned to look at it, eyes wide again. They were even wider when I took in the figure. It was gaunt and thin. Almost skeletal, but not quite. Just very thin with thin arms. It was shadowy and completely black. It didn't have eyes. Instead it had black pits of pure nothingness staring down at me. I wanted to scream. It bent down to kiss me.
I woke up, feeling like I was going to scream. I tried cahnging positions on the bed so that nothing could grab my arm, but I finaly ended up going in my parents' room. I couldn't sleep in mine.
One of the things that made this dream so scary was that I was in my room, sou I couldn't tell if I was awake or asleep. Do you ever get those?
So, I didn't go to school (actually haven't been to school except Monday and we had today off). Actually, I wento to school, got there, had a nervous breakdown, went home.
I was supposed to go to a concert with Jon (who's birthday is the 13th) and his family, so I went to his house after he got home from school. I don't know what happened, but I just started crying and I absolutely could not stop. I was positively wracked with sobs and I couldn't stop. It was horrible. And I felt really bad for putting Jon through seeing me like that. I know it's hard for him. I finally decided that I couldn't come with them and I just had to go home. I mannaged not to be all sobby around his dad and sister, though his mom (Andrea) was really nice to me and helped sort things out. Jon still went to the concert and they all had a great time, so that was cool. It also meant that I got to watch CSI ^_____^
I managed to sleep last night, but had trouble falling asleep. My bed kept shaking underneath me. Yeeeeaaa...So anyway. That's all I can write for now. See y'all XP

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2005 16 October :: 5.14 pm

Which Naruto Character Are You?
Test by naruto -

Are you crying?

:: 2005 1 October :: 10.45 am
:: Music: Into the FIre

I'm tired, dude. I have to make plans with Mandi-Sama to go see a movie today. She, Jon and I are going to see corpse bride (WOOT). It looks like we may have problems getting Mandi in since she has no money, but I'll probly just pay for her ticket.
Jon and I are coming up on eight months very rapidly. It's really hard to believe we've been together for so long. O.o;
I've become semi-obsessed with Naruto, if you can't tell. I think it's awesome, though I really haven't read all that much of it. I also decided that my favorite anime anything is Totoro (Hells yes!). I haven't had time to update in a long time...I'm sorry. I'll try and be better about it, yah?



Are you crying?

:: 2005 1 October :: 10.00 am
:: Music: FFX journey's end OC remix

More quizzes
You are Kakashi!
You are Kakashi!

Which Naruto Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Are you crying?

:: 2005 28 September :: 5.33 pm

Kakashi: Cool, you're Kakashi. One of the most
popular characters in the entire series. You're
a pretty happy guy, who doesn't let things get
him down. And when people mess with those that
matter to you, they better back off, or they're
in deep trouble.

.:What character from Naruto are you?:. (20 results with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

YESSSSS!! XD Kakashi is teh ROCKSORZ

Kakashi- Forgive me if I misspelled that, I'll fix
it later. -_-' Anyway, you're a good teacher,
and don't tolerate slackers of any kind, even
to the point where you threaten the best person
in the class to be sent back to shinobi school.
You're an incredible fighter, and like to read
books (usually while fighting). Oh, yes, your
favorite book is some freakish thing called
"Make Out Paradise" O_o

Which Naruto Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


The future Hokage of the Hidden Leaf - Naruto!!
"Hyperactive, ADD, lack of respect for
authority, demon sealed inside his
belly.", you are reading Naruto's

Which Naruto character are you? (Images, not that obvious)
brought to you by Quizilla

Myterious Copy-Ninja Kakashi!
Loved by many, and seemingly more angsty than you
let on, you are Kakashi!

Which Naruto character are you? (Images, not that obvious)
brought to you by Quizilla

Yaaay...Took the same quiz and got a different answer...0.o?

You are LuLu. Wo0t.

Which Final Fantasy X Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Not much like me...But Lulu is awesome

Are you crying?

:: 2005 11 September :: 6.08 pm

My computer is a motherfucker. I am loathing and detesting my precious Oni dear. For some reason, Oni is not liking Gaia, which, since my baka mother thinks all IM programs give computers viruses, is my ONLY source of roleplaying. FAAAAAACKKK!!! *Sob* Yea.

Seven months. Jon and I have been together for seven months. Eight on the sixth of next month. O.o; Gawd. That's a long time, especially for my first real relationship.
It's ca-razy. @.@
I am overly happy, however. He makes me feel happy, and what more can you ask for? I love him. I really do.
You know that you love someone when you write super duper cheezy love poetry all the time.

I have a piano, and that makes me glad. I'm learning to play Hikari and a song from Totoro (YAY! TOTORO!), so that's cool.

Okay, sucky entry, but I gotta go.


2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2005 6 September :: 5.21 pm

Holly Hell it's been a long time.

My computer had a Trojan when we got back from California, and we just got him up and running again.

Dude, it's been crazy.

Last week or so I got a letter from Tyler. We all remember Tyler, yes? My buddy from HELLcyon who got thrown into a psych ward and was never seen again? Like, two years ago? Yea. I haven't heard from him in a year, and I was thinking, "Wow, I really miss Tyler." NEXT DAY "Dear Caroline..." Holy shitballs, Batman! Weird, huh? Apperantly he's getting out very soon. (Yes, he's still there.)

I LOVE SCHOOL! I can't believe how much fun it is. I even like my math class! I lurve all my teachers and am having a blast. I actually (Perish the thought!) have fun at school. I'm in four out of six classes with the Boy, which is great, and he rides my bus. The downside is, I only have one class with Mandi-sama, but we have lunch together. Jon's friend Max goes to school with us now (he's such a kwewt Freshie!), so that's cool. I really like Max, so I have yet another friend at school. *YESSSSS* I've found myself accidentaly competeing with my friend IIvan (yes, two "I"s) for class clown in World History, and volounteering answers in Algebra! It's GREAT! ^_________________^ *hooray!*

On the down side of things, my love had a small psychotic break on Sunday evening. I have only ever, EVER seen Jon cry once before in the whole time I've know him. I was sitting, enjoying a movie at home when the phone rings. It's Andrea (Jon's mum, who is a pal of mine), and she tells me that something's up with the Boy, and that he won't talk to her. "Will you call him and see what's up?"
"Sure." says I. So, I dial his number thinking, "What the hell is up? This isn't very like him..." -Click-
"Hello..." says a very shakey voice on the onther end of the line.
"Hey, what's up?" I say concernedly. And he just starts sobbing. I am of course like, "Oooooohh shit." He tells me that he has no fucking clue what's going on and that he just suddenly got like this. This is an event that occurs very often in Caro's own life, but it's never happened to him before. I say, in the least severly panic-attack kind of voice I can mannage (Which is pretty good), "Okay, I'm going to try and get over there. After much pleading, Mum said I could go. Jim (Jon's dad) came and got me and brought me to their house.
Andrea hands me a pill and says, "Try and get him to take this." So, I calmly walk down the steps to the basemnt, which is his lair. As I get to the bottom of the stairs, I see him curled up on the couch, in the dark.
"Hey...what's up?" quoth I.
"I dunno." he whispered. A look of concern crossed over my face and I walked over to him. I sat next to him and he leaned on me, crying. After a while I says,"Do me a favor."
"Take this." and I handed the pill to him. He took it and lay back down on me. He started to quiet down. "You tired?"
"Yea..." he said softly.
"Let's take you upstairs, then." So, we went up the stairs, to his room. As he passed by the family room on the catwalk type thing that leads to Jon and Daniell's (his sister) bedrooms, his parents said goodnight. He didn't speak a word. He was half asleep already when we sat on his bed. I lay down next to him and just let him hold me until his mom came up and said I should be on my way, because we didn't want Mum to be upset. I had to wake up early in the morning (FISHING, YAY!). So I got up, kissed his cheek and followed Andrea to the main floor.
"Do you think he'll be okay?" she questioned.
"I think with a little sleep, and a little time, he'll be fine." said I.

Yesterday, we went fishing up in the mountains. Didn't catch anything whatsoever, but it was still way funn. When we came back, I called Jon and asked if he wanted to see me. He had still sounded pretty down when I talked to him that morning. He, of course, said yes. He seemed much better, but not completely better. So, we chilled for a while, and then I came home. School tomorrow, said the parents.

So, I see him on the bus thismorning and he seemed fine. Still a little shaken, but fine. He was in very good spirits. Later I recaled, OMFG. It's our seven month aniversary! (w00t!) So today went by well for me, and him. I lurve mah boy.

In sadder news, I am getting braces. T_T I do NOT want to get them, but Mum is making me. Oh well. What can you do? Nine to twelve months, they say. Arrrgh...

We bought a piano! WOOOOOOHUUUUU!!! It's a spinnet, so it's very small, but it sounds great. They are dilivering it on the morrow! ^____________^

Another thing going well for me at school is the fact that I have Jon (the math genious) to help me with my algebra. Sp00t.

I have this class called Design Tech. You get to do all sorts of fun shit, like photoshop (squee!) and making 3D projects, too. Jon is continuing to learn Flash, which he began work on last year. He's pretty good.

Mandi finaly bought her own pair of bondage pants. She doesn't have to steal mine anymore. (woot)

Can't think of anything more.

Hey, if any of you guys are on Gaia, PM me: PoisonedPocky


Are you crying?

:: 2005 12 July :: 12.46 pm
:: Mood: Homesick
:: Music: No Wish, by Akeboshi

Okay, so I've been here for about a month now. Haven't seen Mandi, Dad, Saide (my dog), Kate, or Jon for this whole time.
Jon's at his immersion camp thing where he can't have a cell phone. So I'm goin' along, doing fine and then a couple weeks ago, I wake up, and my phone says to me, "Hey mutha fuka, you's gots a message!" (Okay, it didn't really say that, but that's not the point.) It didn't tell me who called, because it had been turned off. I was like, "Must just be Mandi-sama again." So I listen to my message. "Hey, Caro, it's me..." And guess who it is. Jon. He could have his cell phone back for two days. And so I was, of course, thinking, "YES! I can talk to him!" So I'm sitting by the piano right after I listened to the message and the phone rings. Of course, it's mah boy. So I answer the phone just like I always do, even though I know who's calling due to the wonderful thing known as *air quotes* "Caller ID". "Hello?"
Yea. It was great talking to him, but he said, "I have to go now, but I'll call you tomorrow, okay?" after he hung up, I wished he wouldn't call the next day. Hearing his made me miss him so much more.
I go home on Saturday, five days from now. I get home on 18th, the day before my boy does. But Mandi is there, and I really need to see her too, so you know. Whazzeva. Well, Mum and I are headed to the beach. I have more to write but don't know when I'll be able to write it. Talk to yall's latah.


1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2005 7 July :: 8.26 pm
:: Mood: torn

So here I am, still in California. This is the first time I've been online since that last entry. @.@ It sucks, yes, I know.

My boy is at his Japanese Language Camp, and I didn't think I'd be able to talk to him until I got back. I was content with that, I'd gotten used to the idea. And then he calls me on Saturday. I of course am like, "wtf?" I was glad to hear from him. He says he's having a great time and has made friends with the people in his cabin. It was good to talk to him, but...It just made me miss him more. I'm going home a week from this Saturday. *YES* *but NO at the same time*

I miss home. A lot. A LOT. I haven't seen my dad, my dog, my best friend, or my boyfriend in a MONTH, as of today, I believe. I'm ready to go home, I assure you of that. But I'm really gonna miss Kelly and Danny and Joey and Gaby...and Aimee...Mom and I are worried that Aimee's not going to take it very well when we leave. But I'm pretty ready to go home. When I get back, I'm pretty sure my boy will be back...I want to see him the day after we get back. Or even the day we get back! And then I wanna see Mandi-sama. We're planning a sleep-over. ^_^ I wanna give my dad a big hug and kiss mah doggeh.
But I'm also really gonna miss Gary, the guy who lives in the rental house deal on Aim's property. He's been giving me piano lessons and he's the best teacher I could EVER ask for. He's teaching me the Pink Panther song! ^_^; He understands how I work and how I learn and he's really helping me. Because of him I've been figuring out chords instead of just one note to go along with my melodies.
But I also want to sleep in my own bed, in my own room, in my own house. I don't really know what I want to do. You know what I'm saying?
I've started drawing quite a bit. I drew several pictures of Sephiroth, which turned out pretty darned good for my first time really drawing him. I've been working really hard at my creative endeavors whilst staying here. I also don't have a piano at home, so that sucks.
Mom and I went to Stinson Beach today and yesterday. That's been fun. We've beach-combed and found some pretty cool shtuff.
Oh yea. I took a film-making class. It was sooooo hard. Every day was from 9 am to 5 pm, for a week, just making the film. We all thought it was going to be soooo bad, but we edited it and added music and MAN! It was great! I made a buddy named Angelo. He was frikken hillarious. I miss him so much. On the last day we were like, *Hug* Caro: I'll see ya later.
Angelo: Probly not. *Kinda smile*
Caro: Well, if you ever come to Colorado...
Angelo: I'll look you up.

I was like, *TEAR* but I didn't cry.
Dude, I've cried soooo much on this trip it's not even funny. Like, soooo not funny. It's not a happy situation for Caro when this happens. But any-whay, yea.

So I wrote Jon a letter sometime last week. As of a few days ago, he still hadn't gotten it. So I decided it was useless to send him any more letter since he gets home in a week. So I'm writing him letters to give to him when I get back. XD It makes me feel a little bit closer to him when I write, even though I'm so far away. *spreads cheese all over that statement.* ~CHEESY!~
Yea. Our film progressed from being a fifties murder mystery, to a CHEESE-CHEESE-CHEEEEZZZZY highschool romance. XD It's funny. Angelo and I were the only people who could really act...actually, Thomas could too.

Anyway, Gotta fly kiddos!



Are you crying?

:: 2005 19 June :: 12.00 pm
:: Mood: Hyper as muther phuk

I never make stupid mistakes. Only very very clever ones. -John Peel



Yease, so anyway. I'me here, and I have been for a wee. This is like, the second time I've gotten online the whole time I've been here because my bitchass fuckbrained computer, Oni, won't connect to the friggen network in Aimee's house. Ehyah. So I'm on the Aim-Dawg's computer right now, which I am totaly unused to, so you'll have to pardon any typos.

I'm reading The Lost Years of Merlin and it is totaly fabulous.

VICTORY IS MIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNEEEE! *hyperhyperhyperhyper* I'm starting an RPG group! HAHAHA! So, there. I'm having my new found buddy, Kelly, who is totaly a D&D player, help me with the skills and magics list, as well as the races. I've got the basic plot down and I drew a map today. I've got the Character Sheets pretty much done, too.

Jon left for Wisconsin (Or one of those places) today. He'll be gone for a month and won't be able to use a phone or e-mail for that whole time. T____________T We'll be able to write 'n stuff, though. So that'll be good. He's excited about the rpg I'll be starting. I'm sending him the character sheets 'n stuff so he can think out a character (cause it takes him for-EVER XD). It's gonna be funn! I wish my Nee could be here to join us. I wish, actually, that my Nee-chan could rp with me in any way shape or FORM. -____- Grar. Well, anyhouse, this will be my first time Game Mastering (or GMing as we call it), so it should be interesting.



5 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2005 7 June :: 10.04 am

You like the ones that understand you.

What kind of guy are you most attracted to? (CUTE anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Your Lightsaber is Blue

Blue is often associated with depth and stability.
It symbolizes trust, loyalty, wisdom,
confidence, and truth.

What Colored Lightsaber Would You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

the sad teen. Everything in life is f*ckin'
miserable. You constantly look over your
shoulder and wonder who is judging you...even
when you are alone. So naturally, you have
become a little paranoid and pessamistic. Your
personality can be one demensional but
confusing. You are constantly bored with life
and wish that something could spice it up. You
have a unique view on life and have identified
the problems with school society (Ex...what
makes popular people, how the student mind
works...) You would rather be alone because you
hate being hurt. You tend to think that no one
understands you, not even your parents /
guardians / friends. But that is just the
opposite! The people who love you want to
help, but they don't know how because they have
a feeling that they will say something wrong
and turn you away. You have to let them know
that you are willing to hear what they have to
say...and it might do some good to listen to

Some fields you might consider going
in when you are older...Judge, author,
songwriter, producer, therapist, psychologist,
philosopher, or forensic scientist. You need a
job where you can express yourself and your
views on life. Or you need a field where you
can judge others and predict what is going on
in others life. Either way... you have the
personality to get you a good job that will
support you throughout life.

What type of teenager are you?
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2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2005 2 June :: 9.34 pm

Let's travel back in time for a moment
So, a few days ago I had my flute recital. Jon wanted to come, so, of course, we let him come. I actually did really well, to my surprise. So Jon and I are hanging out and I'm like, going at ten million miles an hour. We went upstairs to the kitchen (Because we were in the basement, as usual) and mom said something about me not taking my morning meds for two days and mentioned the whole thing with the tree being because I didn't take my meds that morning. This, of course, did not make me happy. Because, as we know, Jon saw/felt it too, and I hate it when Mom says that stuff like that is because I didn't take my meds. So, I got pissed off at her and had to hold back tears as best I could. When we got back downstairs, I started sobbing about how Mom wasn't believing me and so on and so forth. Well, I got over it quickly but somehow mannaged to burst into tears about various things five more times throughout the night, every time saying to myself, "Don't cry, don't cry! He shouldn't have to see you like this." And outloud I kept repeating that I hated myself and that I shouldn't cry. Every time, Jon held me close and just let me cry.

Let's see now...

I WENT TO SEE VNV NATION LAST NIGHT! OH EM EFFING GEE! IT WAS AWESOME! Kelly and Mandi and I went. I didn't get home until around 2:30. I am fuggin fried. Like, deep fried. I didn't go to first period, but until about halfway through fourth, I sounded like I was stoned out of my mind.
At the concert, we met this guy called Beatleguise. He was way cool (and Hott, may I add). He could rave dance like nobody's buisness. I have his e-mail address! ^_^ But no worries. I'm still faithful to my Jon-chan. *Grins* Doesn't mean I can't look. He knew a lot about Alice in Wonderland.

Anyway, maby I'll write more later, but now is time for bed.


Are you crying?

:: 2005 31 May :: 8.27 pm

*Pants as she pulls herself accross floor over to the computer* Must...Go...On...Must...Complete...Lewis...Carroll...Paper! Must...Finish...Castle for...Geography...Must...Memorize lines...and stage actions...for Theater...

and it's 8:30 pm now. Dear lord...I'm doomed.



Are you crying?

:: 2005 16 May :: 7.43 pm

Yea. I finaly told Mum about me 'n Jon. She said he was a good catch XD

Mum says Nee can probly stay here if she comes to the Anime convention. ^____^

Woo, short post.


1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2005 2 May :: 5.39 pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Squirming Evil, Kingdom Hearts


I've got a nasty cold with a cough that seems to be doing nothing but getting worse. Stayed home from school today, but Mum still took me out to see a movie. ^_^;; (The Interperprater [sp?] to be exact. It was really good) Yea. Mom's sick too. It kinda sucks. No school for me tomorow either. This is actually not a good thing. I'm getting behind in classes and I actually have to make up work in art. ><; Not happy! NOT HAPPY! She makes us take our own free time to come and do an hour of work. Ms. Ryan is cool and all, but that just sucks.
I'm wishing Nee had long distance so I could talk to her. She always manages to make me laugh and such. Talked to Jon on the phone for a while, but I haven't seen him in three days, and probly not for a little while longer, which sucks. I'm dealing with it though. I talk to him almost every day on the telly anyway...
Saw Kate on Saturday. Fun fun pengu!

Luff y'all


Are you crying?

:: 2005 25 April :: 7.35 pm
:: Music: Ancient Groover, Ragnarok Online BGM

Spazztastic mushrooms will eat your brains.

So, for a whole month of summer mom and I are going to California to be with my sister. This means no Mandi, no Jon, no Kate, no Kelly, no Kat, no Medicine horse...looks a little bleak.

Mom has me signed up for a Sakespeare Improv class, though and some other shtuff, plus I get to be with my sis (duh) which is cool.

Uhm...Convo with Kat...

Caro: Hey yew.
Kat: [ Zone Labs Security alert: Session not encrypted because Kat is not protected by IM Security ]
Kat: hi
Caro: What's up?
Kat: not a lot, you?
Caro: Not much, really.
Kat: spiffy
Caro: I suppose.
Caro: How are you?
Kat: I'm pretty stressed and tired
Kat: how are you?
Caro: Alright, I guess.
Kat: what's wrong
Kat: ?
Caro: Just a little distressed...
Kat: about what?
Caro: Well, to be blunt, I'm stupidly afraid that I'm going to get pregnant.
Kat: um
Kat: what are you doing and with whom?
Kat: and why?
Caro: I had sex with my boyfriend and love of my life, Jon, because it felt right and I know I'm safe with him.
Kat: did you use protection?
Caro: Yea.
Caro: That's why the fear is stupid.
Kat: well...all I can say is that I'm disappointed
Kat: a lot
Kat: really
Kat: super duper disappointed and sad
Caro: I figured as much.
Kat: I think I'm not the one to help you out with this. I'm sorry
Kat: goes against most of my beliefs and just makes me sad for you
Caro: I just hope you don't hate me forever. I was unsure if I should tell you.
Kat: why now? Honestly?
Kat: I don't hate you. It's not my decision, it's yours. I just think that maybe you should have waited
Caro: I love this guy so much it almost makes me sick.
Kat: sex isn't the only way to express love
Caro: I know.
Kat: so...why?
Caro: but it wasn't for sex that I did it. i guess I just wanted the further connection. I can't say what I'm trying to say without sounding cheezy and dumb.
Kat: that's ok
Kat: I don't mind cheesy
Caro: I guess I just wanted to be one with him.
Kat: it could have waited!
Kat: good god! You kids are so damn young!
Caro: *Sighs and hangs her head*
Kat: but I won't give you my whole lecture, because I know you don't need it
Kat: you were smart enough to use protection..hooray. If you're worried, go to Rite Aid and buy a pregnancy test
Caro: hey, at least I'm not like Chelsea and having sex with 20 somethings at age thirteen.
Caro: All the time.
Kat: yeah
Kat: it's gonna hurt you so bad, Caroline, if you guys break up
Caro: I know we will eventually.
Caro: I have no doubt about that.
Caro: But for now it's good, and I figure enjoy it while I can.
Caro: I really do love him with all my heart.
Kat: [ Zone Labs Security alert: Session not encrypted because Kat is not protected by IM Security ]
Kat: I....ok
Caro: ?
Caro: It was dumb, i know that. But I can't go back and beat myself with a stick for it for all of time.
Kat: I know
Kat: so just don't worry
Caro: I'm sorry I dissapointed you.
Kat: it's ok
Kat: I disappoint myself every minute of every day
Kat: I still heart you
Kat: I have no cell phone, but contact me if you need me
Caro: *Nods* Thanks.
Caro: *Hug*
Kat: yup *hug*
Kat: if you're still worried next week, find me and I'll go buy a pregnancy test with you, ok?
Kat: sure to get me after May 3rd
Caro: Why?
Kat: AP exam is the 3rd
Caro: Ah.
Kat: feeling better, a little?
Caro: Yea.
Caro: A bit.
Kat: good
Caro: I'm going to California this sumer.
Caro: *Summer
Kat: yeah? Why?
Caro: To see my sister.
Kat: awesome!
Caro: You know, cause her dad died.
Kat: have a good time
Caro: We're gonna be there for a month.
Caro: So that sucks somewhat, because I don't get to see any of you guys for most of my summer.
Caro: But it should be fun.
Kat: that's ok, I'm boring
Kat: I hope it's fun for you
Caro: I don't think you're boring.
Caro: Thanks.
Kat: yup
Caro: ...heh...
Kat: ?
Caro: just can't think of anything to say...
Kat: oh
Caro: We should try and do something at least once over the summer... I miss you loads.
Kat: aw, ok
Kat: you should come and cheer Knick and I on at the Fair in August
Caro: I should!
Caro: I will if I can for sure *Nod nod*
Kat: awesome!
Caro: ^^
Kat: you'd get to see me in a cowboy hat
Caro: ooh!
Kat: haha
Caro: *Grins*
Kat: oh boy
Caro: ?
Kat: you'd have blackmail material for life
Caro: Haha

4 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2005 24 April :: 6.14 pm
:: Mood: bored


I'm not a virgin anymore. O.o

Weird, huh? I can't believe it.

I do love this boy. Jon...I love him so much I can hardly stand it. It's not like how I felt about hunter and those other guys. It's something completely different. What can I say about how true love feels? i don't know how to describe it. I just know that it feels right. You know? Well, anyway. Yea. Not much to say. In shock still. I know there was something else I wanted to write about but I can't think of what.

Luff yah all.


4 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2005 21 April :: 2.08 pm

Hey. I'm not dead, I swear. >.> Anywhom. I'll update later. Things are getting interesting with my boy, but I'm at school right now and I'm headed to his place after. I'll update eventually...

Love you all, O few who are faithful.


2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2005 7 April :: 2.26 pm

You Are Megara!

Charming and witty. You are always the first person to come up with a wisecrack. Sure, you have an attitude, but that's why people love you. You keep them on their toes. Sometimes you can be misleading, but always end up doing the right thing for the people you love.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

Are you crying?

:: 2005 6 April :: 9.07 pm
:: Mood: Somewhat out there
:: Music: Bittersweet Symphony, The Verve

Today is my two month aniversary with Jon.

That's cool

Are you crying?

:: 2005 6 April :: 2.56 pm


You kill with

You are very skilled with magic, but have poor
fighting skills. But it doesn't really matter
anyway since it can be as powerful as other
weapons. You are probably missunderstood by
people and have some pain inside you. You are
not the kind of person to start a fight, but if
you are provocted you respond. You probably
don't have that many friends either though you
might want some. According to you life is a
lonely journey and you try not to care to much.
Most people who are witches or anything similar
is thought to be evil and want to see all
people suffer. That however is not true. You
don't feel that much joy seeing others in pain.
You are probably peaceful and quiet when left

Main weapon: Potions and spells
Quote: "A man can be destroyed but
not defeated" -Ernest Hemingway
Facial expression: Blank eyes

What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

Are you crying?

:: 2005 6 April :: 2.46 pm

How Insane Are You?

Created by andy and taken 55403 times on bzoink!

Your problemGenerally Psycotic
Will it be curedMy sources say no

Create a Quizlet | Search Quizlets | Go to bzoink!

Are you crying?

:: 2005 6 April :: 2.23 pm
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: Eighteen, Alice Cooper

Yea. I'm on birth control now. Long story, may tell it later.

Nee hasn't been online or posted in her journal in a really long time. I miss her and I'm worried about her. I sent her a message on Gaia and she hasn't responded. I need to see when her last login was. Nee, if you read this, please tell me if you're okay.

I'm fifteen now, as of April third. I got together with Mandi and Jon. We played Smash Bros. for a while and Mandi and I got our asses kicked by Jon. He unlocked Falco, his best character, but I told him that he can't use him against us till we get better. XD He said, "Why not! You guys get to use your best characters!" Quoth Mandi, "I don't have a best character." Caro: x_x\/
Yea. We kinda suck compaired to him. MANDI MADE ME LOOK LIKE A GIRL! >< We went to dinner and had fun and such, but a while after they left I got rediculously depressed and refused to go to sleep. I really don't know why, though I think it has something to do with me not being able to tell mum about Jon and me, even though she basically already knows. Yea. But if I admitted it, she'd never give us any time alone. I really love him, and I love the way I feel in his arms and the way his lips feel on mine. That sounds dumb. I'm still all depressed. I had to stay home school because I wouldn't go to sleep. Yea. I haven't felt like that in a long time. I felt especially bad because I promised Jon that I wouldn't be depressed anymore, and I felt like I was breaking that promise. I know that was dumb and he told me so. When I get depressed I become even more critical of myself than I already am. Yep. Bad news for my self esteem. So basically I've been finding evey little problem with myself and beating myself up over it and just being sad in general and sarcastic and cynical and somewhat irritable. I basically feel like shit. I feel somewhat better right now because Mandi, Jon and I outside for lunch today and sat in the sun on the soccer feild. But overall I still feel bad. Anywhom, love you guys.


1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2005 31 March :: 2.32 pm


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

The Goddess of Roses and Love. You are a hopeless
romantic. Always optimistic and loving, you
have many friends and you are exceptionally
trustworthy. You are a innocent beauty.

Which gorgeous goddess are you? For girls! (breath taking pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla
In your eyes, people see life... You see yourself
as just an average person! You enjoy life, love
wildlife, but also enjoy time with those who
know you best. You like to get outdoors and let
your mind wander over all of the mysteries god
gave to you. You don't really have a certain
sanctuary because you're so well-rounded, but
you like having fun and adventures, but can
also be found sitting quietly about, reading a
book. You have a pretty good life ahead of you,
never trade it for anything else :)

What Lies Behind Your Eyes?
brought to you by Quizilla

Are you crying?

:: 2005 25 March :: 10.09 pm

It's funny, you know.

Caro: "I'm lucky. I have a nice and good looking guy."
Jon: "I'm lucky too. You may not be the best looking girl ever, but you're damn good.

That doesn't sound very funny, I know. I should have been mega offended by that. But here's the kicker:

I wasn't. At all. I just didn't care that he said that. I took no offence. I think that that's weird. Oh well. Part of what I like about him is his honesty and frankness, actually. But whatever.

We played video games. Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King in two player mode. It's really fun. I see him a lot now. It's a good thing. He always kicks my ass at whatever game we play, though. But I can sometimes beat him in Super Smash Bros. for Gamecube...Anywhom.

Yea. It's all snoweriffic here. We went for a walk and guess what we talked about! Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories and what we would do if we could go back and put two player modes on old rpgs (And new ones too). Play video games, talk about video games. It's fun. XD

I miss Nee, a lot. I sent her the Butterfly song again. Hope she got it.

Love you all.


1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2005 18 March :: 6.07 pm
:: Music: Home- Depeche Mode

So yesterday Jon and I were sitting in the stairwell on the third floor, and Mandi stumbles through the doors, saying that she's dizzy.
"Come sit down." I pulled her down against the wall. "What's up? You don't look so good." She said that she drank something out of someone's waterbottle down at the creek, which is where all the stoners hang out. He said it was just water, but Mandi said that it tasted bad. I thought it was just some mild drug. I didn't think it was what it was. She was giddy, and seemed like she was high, which she used to be a lot. I knew she didn't do drugs anymore, but I figured it was an accident, right? Well, she started complaining of being hot, and her faced looked red. I told her I'd take her to the bathroom and we'd switch shirts, because she was wearing long sleeves and I was wearing my usual baggy t-shirt. I had to hold on to her while we were walking down the hallway to the bathroom. She was stumbling. We traded shirts (And her shirt looked REEEEEALLY bad on me [definitely made for someone with large breasts, which is a category I don't fit into]). I helped her back to the stairwell. She started to look pretty bad, and her eyes were closing.
"I'm gonna be sick..." she said. Jon and I quickly helped her up and over to the trashcan. I'm sure she would have thrown up if she had had anything to eat for the past three days. We helped her sit back down. "David [her boyfriend] is gonna be so mad..."
"Dude, what happened?"
So she told me. She had asked Scott Passay for some water, so he gave her a water bottle full of clear liquid, which he claimed was water, and then told her to chugg it. So she did, without thinking about it (Which was dumb). She said she didn't taste it till afterwards. It was alchohol. Mandi has the lowest alchohol tollerance of anybody I know. She has very bad reactions to it. I figured it might pass. Rosie came out into the hall, took one look at Mandi and said, "We need to take her to the nurse." Mandi didn't want to go, but by this time she looked horrible. I agreed and Jon and I stood her up. We walked to the door of the class we were supposed to be in, because the bell for lunch had rung a while ago. I asked for Ms. Halaby, who is a very trusted adult for both me and Mandi. We were told she was in a meeting.
"Shit," said I. We started helping her down the hall and Ms. Halaby happened to be walking towards us.
"What's wrong with Mandi?" she asked. I explained.She frowned and said, "We need to get her to the nurse. Mandi was too out of it to object. I nodded and we walked her as fast as we could to the steps. I counted out the steps for her as we walked down them, then told her when we were on the platforms. She was shaking by now. We finaly got her to the nurse and Jon and I hastily walked in. It was getting hard to hold her up. She's taller than both me and Jon, and I think Ms. Halaby. I explained briefly what had happened, and before I knew it, Jon, Rosie and I were all kneeling by one of those nurse-office-bed-things, and there was a cop and the principle asking her questions. She was breathing hard and kept saying she was hot. I heard the nurse talking about contacting her parents. Jon and Rosie were asked to leave.
"Caroline, go get Mandi's phone." I nodded and dashed up the stairs at full speed. Ms. Cole, Mandi's Case Manager and our teacher was going down the stairs just as fast as I was going up. I knew she was going to see her. I finaly got back down the stairs and there were more people in the room and a stretcher outside it. I rushed in and gave the nurse the phone. I moved to get into the room, but a cop held me back.
"You can't go in there just now." They were talking about getting her to the hospital.
"Please, can I come?" said I. They said I'd have to call my mom. Mom didn't want me to go, because she said she had no way of getting me home. I finaly got her to consent when Ms. Cole said she'd bring me back. Mandi was on the stretcher when I came back. Ms. Cole said that we needed to get our stuff and go. I wanted to go in the ambulence (sp?) with her, but I knew they wouldn't let me. As Ms. Cole and I were coming down the stairs, I slipped and fell down five of them. I was so full of adrenaline I didn't feel a thing. We got to the hospital and I had to wait in the waiting room. I was scared as hell. They wouldn't let me go in to see her because her dad and Ms. Cole were in there, and only two people can be in at once. I sat there, crying. Finaly they let me in. I got her to laugh and stuff. I stayed there with her for a long time, and finaly I ended up going home with her when thay let her out. She's all better now.

And now for something kind of amusing.

So today after school Jon and I were talking about the trip he's taking to Utah. "I wish you could come with me..."
"Well, maybe I can."
"Sure. When are you leaving?"
*SWEATDROP* "Lemme call my mom..."
I didn't end up getting to go with him, but my mom's reaction when I called her was great.

Yea. It was funny. Jon sounded totaly put down when our 'rents dicided I couldn't come. They were staying with his dad's brother and they thought that it would be not good to suddenly have another person coming. TT_____TT Oh well. Andrea (his mom) says that she's really like to travel with me sometime. Which is cool. Cause I'm loved. Yay. That bodes well for when we tell our parents. Anywhim, His reaction was kinda sad really. But I told him that I completely understood their reasoning and that it was waaaaay too last minute, so I would be pissed, but I wasn't. But that's okay. He said I can call him any time while he's gone, and I was like, score. So, it's all good, though I would rather be with him. I have like...NOTHING to do. He gets back on Tuesday, though that seems like forever from now. It always goes faster when I can talk to him.
Wow. That sounds idiotic. Oh well.


1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying? | Random Journal