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:: 2015 15 January :: 2.05am
:: Mood: stoked
:: Music: aerosmith - draw the line

BAHAHAHAHA! i made a thing.

by which i mean i spent probably too much money online. but this is awesome. the case definitely required some modification. but whatever. it works!

this thing is probably one of the fastest machines i've ever used. i'm never going to buy a prebuilt computer again, i swear. it's been super fun. my bowels were tense putting the motherboard/processor all together, but honestly, it wasn't that bad.

is thing

i'm excited for the next one, now that i've made a few mistakes and am figuring out how to do things better. i initially thought that a cheap/free case would be an easy place to save a few bucks. not a great plan. it's like throwing a brand new corvette motor into a volvo 240.

still though, having fun. learning stuff. playing in the mud.

just blows my mind how fast the darn thing boots and runs. and it keeps pretty cool, considering how little the case fans i added are actually doing. guess they're doing enough.

happy happy happy.

let go lightly


:: 2015 8 January :: 11.17pm

well, i bought stuff. still waiting on the motherboard and ssd to come in the mail, but...

this is what's going down. hopefully it's awesome.

i'll probably post pics after. because, you know, that's a thing people do.

i should clarify. i had a pretty good christmas, financially speaking. so, this little guinea pig is going in my dad's ancient gateway atx case, to be used with the projector in the basement as an HTPC.

i will be continuing to shop around, now that i'm starting to learn what it is i'm looking for, and how much shit is going to cost, to build MY pc that will hopefully last a while. so, this is essentially just a practice build for me to bloody my knuckles on. that way when i drop some more serious money on hardware, i'll feel more confident in my decision making process.

as a sidenote, i have really enjoyed doing the research on this project. even since i ordered the parts, i've learned a lot more about the various parts. it's a happy accident that some of the things i ordered fit together as nicely as they do. and there are definitely a couple of things i picked which are less than ideal, now that i look at it. i guess that was kind of the point. but it's been really nice to be able to dig into something like this, and gain a better understanding of how these things work. also, useful knowledge for future times. i will probably never be a "computer guy," which i'm really okay with. just like i will never be an auto mechanic. but it's fun to be able to work on my own toys. and feel like i could actually have a conversation with someone about it and not be totally lost.

let go lightly


:: 2014 16 December :: 5.26pm
:: Music: foo fighters - sonic highways

so, i'm thinking i want to build a pc.

i've been studying up on stuff, and it seems simple enough.

that being said, the selection of parts available is pretty overwhelming, so any input or suggestions are welcome and appreciated.

this is not a gaming pc, as i'm not a gamer. i would be using it for interwebs and itunes, primarily. normal home computering stuff. about the only thing i might consider doing with it that would demand higher performance is digital audio recording, and even then, that wouldn't really be too strenuous.

i want it to last me a while, so upgradeability is a consideration. if i can get away with replacing a couple components in the future, as things become obsolete, i would much rather do that than replace the whole thing. i don't want to spend top dollar on the absolute latest and greatest shit, because frankly i don't need it, and would be pissed off in a couple years when it becomes dirt cheap. but i also don't want to totally cheap out and get junk. there has to be a happy medium in there somewhere.

i'm thinking an APU makes sense, so i don't have to get a separate video card. i'll probably go with an amd processor, since i don't want to pay intel prices for something with comparable performance.

i like the idea of getting an SSD for the OS, and then having a separate HDD for cheap storage.

i know absolutely dick about motherboards, other than they need to be compatible with the processor, and accommodate whatever crap you're adding on.

RAM: 8GB should be plenty, yes? not sure how much speed i would want. probably just match to the top end of whatever motherboard i wind up with?

PSU: i know it's important. ummm, modular? wattages? i have no idea. again, i'm not gaming, so it shouldn't draw too much juice. just something solid to get the job done.

i'm not overly concerned about peripherals. i'm sure i'll be able to piecemeal that stuff together.

i'm thinking i could get a secondhand case pretty easily. i don't give two fucks what it looks like. just as long as it has enough space for everything, and enough airflow to keep things cool. maybe i'm wrong on this, but it just seems like the easiest place to cut costs. also, fans?

i am planning on going with windows. i'm on XP right now, but support has ended. have i mentioned my laptop is gonna be 10 this year? i didn't like vista at all. 7 was good. i haven't used 8 or 8.1 yet. traditionally, it seems like every other version is good, while the alternates suck a bag of donkey dick. so, that would mean 8 was all shitty, but 8.1 is probably okay? i don't know. this is why i'm asking. if they both suck, i'm okay with just putting 7 on it. not sure where to get a product key on the cheap, but i don't really want to pirate a bogus one. meh.

so, that's where i'm at.

thoughts? feelings? PLZ HALP.

8 hold on tightly | let go lightly


:: 2014 25 October :: 10.16am

I tend to be very hesitant about claiming good things have happened. I've had so many amazing interviews that never panned out that my general reaction to positive things is that life is just trying to play a trick on me.

let go lightly


:: 2014 19 September :: 10.59pm

Against the laws of nature, the wings regrow!
Darwin, what was he thinking, writing such a thing as evolution! Noticing adaptation. The environment molding the organism!
What does Darwing think of love?! Is it austere, cold and calculating?
Love is a broad term if you think about it. It should be re-examined by a comity to be subjugated and redefined.
Even in science they allow the anomaly, the thing that redefines.
Mr. J, the world! The world is mine, I inherited it when I was born. Noone realizes this. It's mine, shortly, but I own a share; a portion.
And so, I will not be a product of my environment, but a shaper of the environment around me.
The river was cold, the travel was destitute and soggy, and scary.
But I decided when to fight against the current and swim towards shore.
My muscles burned, my perilous fall; shattering. But I swam, and I swim, and swim.
And the sun is warming on the shore. Now, where to go from here?
No time for a fire, I'll set this goddamn shore on fire with ambition.
Mr J., you understand! You've kept going all these years. Stay going.

Stay going!

You're still ravashing, Mr J., a looker if there ever was one. A roman statue.

- Me

let go lightly


:: 2014 27 August :: 10.07pm
:: Music: Aerosmith

the adventure continues....

hello. this entry is per beaver's request, but i also have plenty i've been meaning to share anyway.

so, i left off last with some of the uglier portions of my story, my first tangible spiritual experience, and the pink cloud i got to ride on for awhile afterward.

i have 'finished' step 4. step 10 basically covers the same ground, but is more for maintenance as things crop up, now that the majority of the housecleaning is done. i at least have a list i can reference, and add to as things occur to me. considering the amount of chemicals i've used to kill my brain, it's not surprising that some stuff i don't remember. so, i try to put it down as i encounter it. incomplete as it felt it was time to move on. step 5 is essentially a confession of the crap from your past that's weighing on you. again, i felt that this portion was somewhat incomplete - certainly not my entire life story. but really, the whole thing would be boring and be a case of diminishing returns. the point is that i'm willing to disclose any part of my sordid history, and am not trying to shy away from it myself, or hide it from anyone else. it does not mean i should force someone to endure it in its entirety.

maybe it would be better to break things down this way:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

i had done this step before my first meeting. the decision to come to AA was the ultimate admission of defeat. i saw no other options. but my dad has been sober for 19 years, so when the time came, it was obvious to me where i could go for a solution that would work. i just wasn't going to go there until i was willing to admit that i had a problem. the unmanageability of my life was a given. i hadn't been trying to run the show for quite a while. no wonder i felt like i was adrift, living a purposeless life. the part i have only come to realize in retrospect is how much alcohol took the reins. i remember coming into meetings early on and hearing lots of things i could identify with. these things tend to be pretty common among alcoholics. it was a convincing argument for my position among their ranks. but i also heard a lot of sob stories about hitting rock bottom. this wasn't me at all! i never got a DUI (regardless of how many i should have gotten. like, a lot. it's staggering, really.) i didn't destroy a family/relationship. i didn't lose a job (not true. i lost several. again, denial prevented me from seeing it at the time). i never sucked dick for blow. you get the idea. but it's hard to get a DUI when you don't have a car. it's hard to destroy a relationship when you're single. i had unwittingly custom-built a lifestyle that accommodated and facilitated my drinking. when i gave up on life, booze took it over for me, so that's what it became all about. my new life mission was to never run out of vodka or cigarettes, and wish for the rest of the world to leave me the fuck alone.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

i am powerless over alcohol. nobody else can do this for me, even if they tried, and i wouldn't want to put that burden on anyone else's shoulders anyway. that wouldn't be fair. so, a higher power is pretty much the only option left. without it, i will get drunk. i haven't gotten drunk in over 5 months. this means that what started as an innocent little unfounded belief is quickly becoming reliable faith based on my evident continued sobriety. the insanity is the self-delusion. the truth is right there staring me in the face. but my brain has the amazing ability to replay things over and over and over again in my head, tweaking little details each time, until the picture has become so distorted that i am convinced. it is lying to me, and i begin to believe it. justification of all sorts of sick thoughts and behaviors, based on lies which were initially rooted in reality. to get so turned around that you don't know what's real and true, and what isn't, is insane. quite literally. not that i've had regular conversations with trees. in fact, i could treat all sorts of other matters quite rationally. but when it comes to me and my feelings and my sense of self - and let's not forget my drinking - all reason flies out the window and the insanity creeps in. but spirituality can fix it for me? hellz yeah! i am a lazy fuck. any and all responsibility i can foist off on something else, regardless of how ethereal the entity, is something i can get behind.

3. made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood him.

again, i'm fucking lazy. but for some reason i still have this compulsion to try and control things. i say i am willing to relinquish my will and my life to this being that i still don't fully understand (the more i learn, the more woefully inadequate my understanding proves), but suddenly find myself clinging to things. still trying to do stuff my way. getting upset when something is taken from me, or when i can't have things that i want. i am a child. i throw tantrums and hissy fits. i'm sure god - and probably most everyone watching - laughs hysterically. but the turnaround time is getting better, little by little. i don't fight as much, or for as long. the temptation is there to cling to the anger. i like it. i feel powerful. i feel justified. i am not. it is stupid to think that. i have proven it doesn't work. shit works a lot better if i stop fighting and just let it happen. i am often shocked at how well things work out. even better than what i had imagined, more often than not.

4. made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. admitted to god, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. were entirely ready to have god remove all these defects of character.

i don't know that i was really 'ready'. but again, it was one of those things where i have to keep moving. if i wait until i'm ready to do something, it'll never happen. if i wait until my inventory is complete, i'll never get done. the key here is willingness. i am not perfect - far from it. but i'm willing to try to get better. i'm willing to try to let my creator - whatever it is - take all of me, good and bad (that's in the 7th step prayer). it's wild to think that god can use the bad stuff in me to create good in the lives of others, but he can and does, without me even having to see it. it just happens. but if i don't give it to him, he can't use it. better let him work his magic. i just have to sit down shut up and watch the show.

7. humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings

it does not say 'adamantly demanded' that he remove our defects. humility and servility are important here. the prayer expounds a bit: "...i pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows." how often i obstruct my usefulness with selfish desires, self-absorption, or just distraction. we live in a noisy world. there's a lot that pulls us away from the here and now. away from the opportunities to help that are directly in front of us. i always thought it was stupid that people will send money to aid some third world country, then turn around and snub (or loudly complain about) the homeless and hungry in their own communities. how much more gratifying is it to help someone else than it is to buy a new toy? how much longer does the satisfaction linger? this is the better course. i aim to be greedily generous of myself and my resources, so i can feel that good. all the time. or, at least, as often as my awareness allows. i miss a lot of opportunities to help. but there are always always more. i just have to keep looking, and be at the ready when the time comes to capitalize on them.

8. made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

my sponsor has kind of been blending steps together. i appreciate this, as my brain is pretty helter skelter about a lot of shit. i can't just sit down for an hour and say "okay that's done. next step." that's not the way it works when we're dealing with memories and emotions. so i'm glad that i'm not forcibly tied to a strict set of rules. the steps are separated distinctly, and placed in order, for a reason, yes. but they are also designed to sort of flow naturally into one another. all this stuff is related, so it's hard to touch on one string without it's vibrations setting off other strings of a similar frequency.

so my homework, which i have not been doing, is to make a list of all the people i've harmed. i have a good start on the list, as all of the people from step 4 are pretty much going to carry over here, but again there's room for addition. there are plenty of people that i don't even realize i've hurt. or things that i've been hanging onto, that the people they were inflicted upon don't even remember. even if they don't know i've hurt them, or shrug it off, it is still important that i get that off my chest. only then will i be free of that injury playing over and over and over again in the worlds shittiest cinema - my brain.


so that's where i'm at as far as the 12 steps are concerned. progress is being made. that's all anyone can hope for.

the pink cloud is no longer quite so present. remnants, perhaps. and i haven't had any really notable spiritual experiences like that moment in the car, but i have been checking in more often (i have never prayed this much before in my life), and it's paying dividends in my sanity, if not my conduct. work is a total bitch, so it's a perfect place to really put this crap into practice. real life. real time. and it's constantly pissing me off. so... lots and lots of good practice there.

i need to go to bed, but there's more i didn't get to touch on yet:
- i can't live with myself: me and self (eckhart tolle - the power of now)
- fabric of the universe
- fellowshit

1 hold on tightly | let go lightly


:: 2014 11 July :: 12.41pm

fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering...
so, the program continues. i am currently working on step 4 - moral inventory. i wasn't really sure what i was supposed to do at first, but i went ahead and did my best with it anyway. now that i've kinda done it, i'm realizing it wasn't nearly as big as i thought. just focus on what's weighing on you the most, be honest, don't omit anything. that's the hardest part. make a list of what you're angry about. make a list of what you're afraid of (not necessarily phobias, but more day to day life stuff). sex history (i think i remembered all of their names ... maybe.) you really need a sponsor for this step. and you need to write it down. you can't do it in your head. the whole point is ultimately to get rid of it. you can't get rid of it if you're keeping it in your head.

sorry guys, but there's no skirting this issue. there just isn't. i like to think i'm a pretty smart guy. i grew up with church every week, and the bearded guy in the clouds, winged angels in heaven, blah, blah, blah. then i became a teenager and went, "wait a minute, what the fuck? why am i buying this wholesale, without even questioning it?" i questioned it. is god real? is god fake? have they been lying to me this whole time? what about jesus? what about buddha? this is madness, and i want no part of it. it made me feel the same way i've always felt about politics. i hate politics. two parties arguing about shit that doesn't matter while they don't seem to notice the world crashing around their ears. ignorant followers that are strongly opinionated on issues that they haven't even really investigated just parroting someone elses beliefs. and does the leader really even believe that, or are they just using it to distract the lemmings from their secret agenda, which invariably revolves around making money. after all, politicians are businessmen and women, at the end of the day. so fuck it. i'm not going to waste my time listening to their bullshit. christianity made me feel like that. "i'm gonna go to heaven because jesus died on a cross, and his father is the one god (nevermind that whole holy spirit conundrum). if you don't believe this you're wrong, and i need to make you believe it, even if i can't legitimately articulate why i believe it. them heathen muslim towelhead camel jockeys murderin' and rapin' all the time ... send 'em all straight to hell, bur bur bur, 'murica." why all the fighting? can't you idiots see that you're all talking about the same damn thing? why do we get so hung up on what to call it, and whose name is right or wrong? the important part is that we are acknowledging a common human experience that should bring us closer together, rather than farther apart. at this point, i could at least concede that there was something out there. i'd felt and seen it at work enough in my own life to admit that it was there. there were too many things that fit too perfectly together to be mere coincidence. i also cite the prevalence of at least some form of diety/religion in almost every culture around the globe throughout human history, even in geographically isolated regions, as fairly compelling evidence. but i still didn't want to enter the discussion. i didn't want to argue with someone about god, allah, the creator, the spirit of the universe, or bob the great sheep in the sky. that wasn't the point. i needed something that was real. that had an impact on and pragmatic use in my life. i think i'm finally finding that. starting to.

delirium tremens is no fun. if you've experienced it, you know. if you haven't, then take me on my word that it is not a place you want to go. i have never felt so scared and helpless in my life. and i couldn't make it stop. i was stuck in the vicious cycle; though self-imposed in a way, it seemed interminable. and even if i did get clean long enough for the shaking to stop (i caught a bug that was going around last fall and didn't come out of my room for 48 hours straight, but to go to the bathroom to puke/shit/try and drink a little water, when i could manage to walk. my roommates didn't even know i was home. i probably came closer to death than i would really care to consider.) it wouldn't be long before a drink sounded good, 'just to settle my stomach,' or whatever the justification was at the time. and once i started, i physically couldn't stop. my body demanded more. it craved that which was destroying it. so for me, this really is life or death business. a normal person may not be able to comprehend the seriousness of the problem, but i must never forget what that was like. i never want to go back to there. and if i drink anything, it won't be long before i pick up right where i left off. at first, yeah, i could probably have a beer or two at a party. and then a beer or two after work (a reward which i have earned well through my labor, right?!). but really, what's the point of just having a couple? if you're gonna drink, might as well have fun with it and get fucked up. remember, i earned this! it's not long before we're back to a half pint of vodka in the morning just to settle my nerves enough to go about my day.

it is very real. the wolf is always at the door. i live a quarter mile from a liquor store. nobody's gonna stop me, especially if i have half a mind to do it. so it's vitally important to remember why i don't want to. and the miracle of this 'god business' is that i really don't want to anymore. i don't need to. i hardly think about it any more. even at parties, i'm not really tempted to. i've proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that it ultimately doesn't make anything better. in fact, it makes life much much worse for me, and everybody around me. why wouldn't i want to take the path of improvement? of contentedness?

so, needless to say, i was at a point of desperation. i couldn't stop drinking - didn't even enjoy it anymore. i was dying. i was willing to do anything, so long as it promised to 'get me off this crazy thing.' so i start my day with a couple cocktails (this being a pint glass with 4 fingers of bottom shelf vodka, topped off with tap water), go to work for my 8am-2pm shift, the end of which is always a horrible horrible experience, pull the pint of vodka from my backpack as soon as i'm off the clock, make a 50/50 with warm water from the bathroom sink in one of the cups from the cafeteria, because it has a lid and a straw so i don't spill it all over while i'm shaking, trying to drink it. once that's drained the shaking stops. i'm waiting for the bus, it's an hour ride to the nearest AA club, which is in a different state. bought a half gallon at the store (since i was already in town, you know?), just to stock up for the weekend. by the time the bus ride was done, i was tuned up enough to walk normally again, and approaching brave enough to even speak up at the meeting and ask for help. i did. guy at the meeting volunteered to drive me home. we talked. grabbed a sando. sat on my deck and ate while my shakes came back. he takes off. i make another drink. i go for a hike with a friend through the woods, work up a good sweat. i brought a flask, just in case, but didn't need it. made gradually weaker and weaker drinks that night, until i was basically drinking water. that was march 20. march 21, i didn't consume any alcohol. i wound up giving that half gallon away to a friend. i woke up in the morning, shaking like a motherfucker, but managed to have some toast and a glass of water without spilling all over myself or the kitchen. it took about a month for the shaking to subside completely. i'm sure there's still at least some residual permanent damage to my nervous system, but i feel better than i've felt in years. and that is a miracle. a miracle that god worked in me. that's the only way i can explain it. as much as you might argue that it was just me not taking a drink, it's simply not true. left to my own devices, i get drunk. it's what i do. i'm good at it, if that's what your objective is. i know all the tricks. it was not me that did that. i just asked the universe to help me stop, and it did. and i still do that every single morning. and i thank the universe for keeping me sober at the end of every day.

i had a spiritual awakening of sorts earlier this week. i've been praying and talking about - god i guess, for lack of a better term - a lot in the past 2 months, honestly giving up all self to the whim of the universe. how may i best serve others and help do the good of the world today? grant me serenity, courage, wisdom. tell me what the fuck to do, because i don't know. help me place others before myself. i'm yours to command, since life was a shitshow when i was calling the shots, so you're in charge now. take it, i don't want it. every morning i do this.

notice, i'm not talking about jesus. i'm not reading the bible more. i'm not going to church more. but i am praying... to whatever the hell it is. i am talking with others about this thing and how they perceive it; what their experiences have been.

so, i'm driving home after work tuesday, thinking about work stuff. i'm getting all riled up about stuff that's going on there (trust me, it's frustrating as shit. all jobs have their pain in the ass parts to them, but this is like the worst horrorshow of an abortion i've every been party to as far as employment goes. it ruffles my feathers. but i'm viewing it as a sort of test - an opportunity to practice - handling these emotions, and seeking the best course of action. trying out this newfangled god thing everyone in the meetings is saying they use. i view this as pragmatism.) so, i sense the noise in my brain starting to rev up, the negative thoughts floating around in there are building up steam. suddenly i hit 'pause'. boom. stop. where's god? what's he up to right now? so - words really can't describe the actual experience, but i will do my best - i go to this room in my mind, which i have never been in, and god is there just chilling. there is no big booming voice. there is no real peace washing over me - at least, not the way i imagined it - but i am suddenly at ease. i'm all like "hey god, what's up?" and he's all like "nmh, just chilling". suddenly it was all okay. all of my anxiety over shit at work was gone. i just realized that god wasn't freaking out about this stuff, and if god really is in charge of the show, then why am i freaking out? there's nothing to worry about. it's taken care of. i need not concern myself with it. just suit up and show up. play my part, and be of optimum service. be ready when the time for my usefulness comes into play, waiting patiently.

and in that moment, there wasn't a sense of god saying "finally, you decide to check in, where the fuck have you been? your mother was worried sick!" i was just totally welcome. "please stop back anytime. it's encouraged. maybe even stick around awhile, if you'd like." i would like. i would like very much. but i'm prone to wandering, so at the moment i am going to content myself with trying to check in more often. maybe i can at least handle that. i mean, five seconds after this happened, i was all pissed at the person in front of me for driving wrong, so. you know. baby steps.

and that's the beautiful part. it's always there. it's always been there. all i have to do is reach out and touch it. i don't have to achieve some level of sanctity or whatever in order to be granted access to it. it's there all the time, should i have the presence of mind to use it. even some fucked up basket case like me is always welcome. that's so cool. i've been riding this pink cloud all week. it's awesome. i'm giddy happy and annoyingly excited about life in a way i haven't been, maybe ever. and it was not the clouds parting and a bearded man with a big booming voice and lightning bolts. it was a chill ass hippie dude in an empty room in my head, on my way to the gas station after work.

2 hold on tightly | let go lightly


:: 2014 1 July :: 3.02am

I will start this post by pointing out that I typed in my username and password for woohu without flinching even though it's been saved in my computer for 5 years (just built a new PC). I think that says something.

me references will be in italics. ;)

I will continue by saying that I miss me. I'm not entirely sure I know what me is anymore, but I'm pretty sure I miss it. As a disclaimer I will say that none of this is meant to be sad or foreboding in three at all. Just a rant.

I have this notion that any sense of self I had is gone with all the hobbies I used to have.

I understand that being 27 it is a totally normal thing to be unsure of direction and/or choice, what the fuck am I doing?

I had all these plans to do these big things (that weren't one-hundred percent attainable) and now here I am, a cog in the machine.

If I'm going to live in these conditions, I wish I was a teacher at least. At least then I might have the comfort of knowing I'm doing something for the future and our youth whether or not they give a shit (and usually I can't blame them if not).

I reflect sometimes and honestly feel like it's deserved. I've done many things that have warranted my conundrum. So self deprecating I is.

But then there's the other side. Considering I'm with a mother who's in a perpetual mental breakdown and a father who will hate you if the wind changes direction: I'm alive, I eat, I drink, I'm typing on a computer; things can't be that bad.

I almost blame my raising. The raising involving America being the best and being privileged just to be involved. I don't think it's the same anymore. We're not the best. I will soon be a part of a motion picture that someone in Sweden will watch and say "man, I'm glad I live here and not there regardless of how entertaining this drama is". Does that make sense? Basically I have a notion that we will soon be portrayed as less than first world. Not that less than first world is less than anything but... whatever this isn't the point.

My point is all I do is reminisce. I reminisce about times when I didn't have to think so much. I reminisce about the people who made thinking optional at most. I reminisce about love gone, love I wasted, love I should have valued. I was so carefree I felt like love was water; the most abundant of resources.

Now I'm aware; and too much so. I have a perspective of things I've done, things I'm doing, and things I will do. This is equal parts frustrating and enlightening. Equal parts "I want to apologize to everyone" and "want to stand my ground". If I hadn't made the shitty choices I've made in the past, I wouldn't be so enlightened but I wish I could go back and at the least prevent them or remake them.

I've been told by some of the people I love most that I'm not good enough for anything that is normal a lot of my life, when I was young and still today, and this has been the basis of my relationships since I was a tweenager (this is the only word in this post with a red scribble underneath it as I'm typing and I'm proud of that). I shouldn't have said that because now another mistake will be pointed out.

With this said, All i want is to know what I want. I want to know what is wantable. Is there something I should want? Want want want. Need Need Need.

That is all for tonight. Again, just a rant. Have a good night.

1 hold on tightly | let go lightly


:: 2014 10 June :: 11.00pm
:: Mood: exhausted

this whole sobriety thing
*tolkien analogies in italics

i think i might try to start posting my AA stuff on here, just because i would like to have a place to put my thoughts and progress, and this seems a more suitable venue than facebook.

current status: i have a sponsor. i make it to as many meetings as possible, but tuesday night and friday night men's stags are my mainstays, as they fit into my schedule well, and i like the stag meetings. since i started my job, going every day has not been an option. not even close. even the monday night meetings with david have stopped, but i do talk to him on tuesday nights at least.

to sum up briefly (i may come back later and edit):
don't drink.
if only for the next five minutes, ten minutes, an hour, a day. don't worry about forever, or even tomorrow, just don't drink today.
fix the spirit first - the mind and body will follow
don't think your way into right living, live your way into right thinking.
pick the god that you want to be in charge of your life. if you're giving all control of your life to god's will, it should be a god that you're comfortable entrusting with it. (my god laughs at fart jokes) gandalf
don't drink.
pray. all the time.
establish a routine. ask for guidance in the morning (and remind yourself who's in charge while you're at it), say thanks at night.
don't drink.
be honest. completely, brutally, painfully honest. about everything.
be cognizant of what's going on between your ears. motives behind activities are important (WHY you're doing something helps determine whether or not it is advisable to do so).
don't let yourself get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired (HALT)
be honest, open, and willing (HOW)
don't drink.
alcohol is cunning, baffling, powerful. the one ring
you have a disease, which is why you see others (who don't have it) drinking with impunity.
be of service. be available to help. look to be used for god's will.
don't drink.

it's pretty simple, really. i was just making shit unnecessarily complicated all this time. might not be easy, but it's simple. and it permeates everything in my life, whether i like it or not.

2 hold on tightly | let go lightly


:: 2014 6 June :: 12.09pm

Hi woohu. How have you been?

3 hold on tightly | let go lightly


:: 2014 10 May :: 10.55pm

because batman

you can see the whole post here

let go lightly


:: 2014 5 May :: 8.52pm
:: Mood: melancholy

Well hey there...
I can't believe I remembered my password. It's been a long time.

I'm really excited this is still here, even if I find most of my posts to be annoying. I'm still glad.

Life is... an everyday struggle, trying to keep your head above the water...

2 hold on tightly | let go lightly


:: 2014 4 May :: 10.31pm

skink is the best

let go lightly


:: 2014 1 May :: 7.38pm

sleep like a baby...
i never understood that. people say sleep like a baby when they are trying to describe a peaceful, restful sleep.

babies wake up and cry every couple hours. doesn't seem very restful to me. not to mention the whole having to eat, then burp, then throw up, then rest in your own excrement. i'd cry too. definitely not something i would consider in any way peaceful.

also, this is pretty cool:
the varied states of corn

let go lightly


:: 2014 29 April :: 1.43pm

turns out i'm a pig....

i never really considered how being friend-zoned basically implies that (assuming the friendzoner is a lady, and the friendzonee is me) it is somehow the fault of the lady for not being into me, as opposed to being my fault for being into her.

as much as it always seems like "i just can't help the way i feel about you," why is it suddenly so bad a thing that she just can't help the way she doesn't feel about me, you know?

don't get me wrong, ladies, i'm still a pathetic romantic with more emotions than i know what to do with. but i'll try better to not hold it against you for not being interested in such a hot mess. not that i blame you in the slightest, and not that i don't feel awful in the rare event that i'm the friendzoner, but there still is some residual subconscious resentment and awkwardness there. and that is wrong.

1 hold on tightly | let go lightly


:: 2014 27 April :: 10.38pm

The difference isn't all that different, it's perception that's being percieved...
You like that title, Mr. J?

Mr. J, I gotta let you in on something.

Here's the thing, you sitting down? We're all scared. There, I said it. However, the thing I've seen is some people use these tools they've built, or acquired. Tenacity and integrity. Those aren't the only ones. But the good ones. And I mean good--like good and evil.

I can state this claim surely.

That fear, that's a driving force I've discovered. For lots of things, maybe everything! The fear is what turns the tide, what shifts the thought, the mind.

I've seen a lot of things, but I'm going to state the appalling thing is what drives most people. Not to stand against this force that is obviously so easily circumvented if a person were to only use a little effort.

Fear, fear, fear. Say it with me. It's causes things to stop, or to never have started with no real logical explanation or reason.

I think I speak for all of us when I say with utmost courtesy: FUCK YOU FEAR!!!

Having said that: I have to say that if I see those who succumb so easily to this feeble creature, this noun that shouldn't be such, I immediately think less of a person. I like to see people face that fucker and ascend what really is a very trivial and stupid thing.


Mr. J,

I thought about going back to Ms. E. but I don't think that's an option. She has some things to sort out, and they're things that are more of a self-revelation that something someone who loves her can help her with. The only person who can rise above it is her. It breaks my heart at the thought of cutting her loose but unfortunately I have to do it. Otherwise, I'm marooned on Big-Heart Island waiting for a ticket on a boat that no one knows the name of, which the itinerary has washed away, and sun never sets. Marooned.
So, goodbye for now, or maybe forever, Ms. E. There's things I'll always cherish. That sounds very normal, but I promise you that she was so close. So very close, by the hairs on my fucking chin.

Well, to bed, or to the printed word, or to the flickering screen back lighting the racing thoughts in your brain. You understanding son of bitch.

Peace, for us all if you could. To bring comfort or release to those around the world who need it. Did nature, or God(s), or whoever created us contemplate the horrible nature of being such a conscious species would entail?

Adieu, mon ami.

let go lightly


:: 2014 24 April :: 3.17pm

True Facts About Sloths

... but only if the world slowed way the f#!% down

let go lightly


:: 2014 15 April :: 10.46pm

Another Beginning...
So... I have not written here in about 5 years. I went through and deleted my old stuff (I like to start fresh), so I figured I'd write a little back story for myself and whoever is reading this.

At the moment, I'm 24 years old. I'm a natural brunette with coffee eyes and a caffeine addiction. I live a few miles outside a small town in Indiana with my dad and my son, and my fiance lives about 8 miles north of here.

My son will be 3 in July; he's my life. Of all the things that make up who I am, he's the best thing. He's the perfect combination of his father, Zac, and me. He's got my cheekbones and smile, Zac's hair and multicolor eyes. He's the happiest, most well-tempered child I've ever know. He has his moments of terrible two's, but can erase every indiscretion with his adorableness (which he is well aware of).

I've been engaged to Zac for about 4 years. We were in the midst of saving to move in together when lil man showed up on the scene. So now, every month we put a little bit more back in that ol' coffee can to add to a down payment on a home. Its definitely tough, being parents and together while living separately, but it has strengthened our relationship beyond comprehension. He's the yin to my yang, as cliche as that is to say. We tend to balance each other out. He works full time as a truck loader for a small logistics company, which allows me to work part time during the winter to be home with our son.

I work at a large non-profit resale company as a book scanner and e-commerce associate part-time (usually only 1-2 days a week) during the winter, then I guess the plan this summer is to work 2 hours a week there, while I work full time for a local farm. I've been with this company for about 4 years on and off. I got pregnant within my first month there, took maternity leave the following summer, then quit the last 2 summers to work the farm because summers usually mean loss of hours because of falling sales due to it being garage sale and flea market season. This year the new store manager (we go through management like its going out of style) wants to keep me on with minimum hours so she doesn't have to have more rehires on her record since apparently that will make her look bad, though no other manager ever had a problem with it before.

I've been working at the farm for 5 years, selling produce on the side of the road at both a stand on a busy state road, and at the stand that is located on the farm. Every year, there's a little more work. In the beginning, I only worked from June to mid-September, then it was June to Halloween. Last year, I helped with the pack sales in the spring in addition to the summer and fall produce sales, then this year I've been helping with seeding so far. This week will actually be my first week of the year doing sales.

Its been tricky these last couple months with working and everything, because my mother has been in the hospital. At the beginning of February, she fell ill. She finally broke down and asked me to take her to the emergency room (she didn't have insurance, so she had been putting it off). A few hours later, I got the call that they were transferring her to an hospital in Indianapolis because they had found an aneurysm in her abdomen. It was a miracle that it hadn't burst yet. She had her repair surgery about a month later, but has been struggling with kidney issues since then. We're hoping that she'll be moved into a rehab closer to home by next week, but the doctors have been saying that for a few weeks now, so who knows. She's typically the one who takes care of JD while I work, so Zac has been having to pick up the slack, watching JD during the day while working at night, and slipping in a few hours of sleep in between, which gets kind of tricky when he's working ten hours (9:30 pm-7:30am), and I'm working 9-5. But God bless him, he does everything he can. I'm not sure how I wound up with such a wonderful man, but I thank God every day that he brought him into my life. <3

Well, I think thats a good enough back story on myself to explain most things that I will probably write about on here now. Anything else, I should be able to explain as a write. I'm doubtful anyone will be reading this, especially anyone I know, but feel free to comment.

let go lightly


:: 2014 4 April :: 4.06am

the more things change, the more they stay the same

*greetings from michigan:
my first lengthy stay away from home has come to a close. i haven't touched any alcohol in two weeks. i still don't know what the hell i'm doing with my life. and i already miss tahoe.*

i'm beginning to remember why i really didn't miss having the internet that much.

i don't need to know about your stupid kid, or what you're having for dinner, or the 10 reasons you belong in house baratheon.

i really don't.

the only time i missed it is when there was some silly piece of trivial knowledge that i couldn't remember, or i had to file an important form, or needed to pay a bill.

that's basically it. maybe watch videos, or steal music from somewhere, since i'm online. download shit to make my laptop work when i invariably fuck it up and delete something i wasn't supposed to.

not spend hours poring through meaningless babble about shit that doesn't really matter, in the lives of people who i haven't seen in years, who are only trying to make themselves look as accomplished and successful and happy as they possibly can. apparently it's working, because what started as mild curiosity - purely for the hell of it - proceeded into nostalgia, and eventually progressed to the inevitable "what have i done with my life?!" there are also a few unfortunates thrown in that (i would assume, in the light of those apparent successes) have resorted to more of a cry for help or attention, because they are at least honest about how much life can suck sometimes, combined with buying into everyone else's bullshit.

the sad part is, it is so enticing still. sure, i don't NEED any of this stuff, but why not enjoy some diversions, right? i'll read the entirety of that blog, just because i can. i guess it was marginally entertaining. enriching my life? no. i suppose, if nothing else, it kept me occupied for three hours. and that's something. maybe. i don't know. depends on what your time is worth. and what you choose to spend it on.

time to be more discerning about what it's spent on, rather than finding ways to burn it.

let go lightly


:: 2014 6 March :: 6.39pm

Cancer update: Still sucks. Dont get it.
Mortality is an odd concept. When faced with someone you love keeling over it looms large in your mind. It changes alot of how you feel about your own life.

When the protagonist of that story rolls off her death bed and decides to keep living its really a bit jarring. I'm not complaining, its wonderful, but to a certain extent I was very ready to deal with Gloria's death. A lot of mental turmoil goes into preparing for that. For the time being, though, I can continue pretending everyone will continue living forever.

I just realized something while I was typing this. Now I know which of my parents I get my procrastination streak from.

Ahhaha... Dont judge; She'd laugh.

4 hold on tightly | let go lightly

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