Here, All Along!

Here, All Along!

:: 2008 5 May :: 2.20 am

I miss you and I'm going to lose you.

In all desperate attempts to make you know I'm still here and I'm still kicking and breathing I'm just going to push you away and screw things up.

I just don't want to lose you, I don't want you to forget I'm here. I know you say you won't and everything but that's the way it's been feeling.

The honest truth is I've already lost you. I'm still grabbing for something more that's not even there. You're still there and I appreciate it, but the you that I'm afraid of losing and the you I don't want to forget me is already gone. You talk me down and I calm down, but it's not good. When you calm me down all I'm doing is holding on to a love that doesn't exist, and then I slowly come to realization about it all and it starts all over again.

I just don't know how this is ever going to get better because I don't move on by finding someone new, I move on by letting time heal things and it just seems like the scabs are ripped every other day.

Jesus, I'm so afraid of losing you.

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:: 2008 4 May :: 10.54 pm

I'm tired of being an emotional moron that cries at the most random shit in the world. I feel like I'm pregnant.

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:: 2008 4 May :: 10.32 pm

I've been trying really hard and everytime I think I'm getting closer to being fine with all of this you take off for another weekend with him. I'm sorry, I know you, I've been with you. It's hard for me not to think about him being with you, whatever you want that to mean. Spending time with you, hanging out with you, spending the night at your house, sleeping next to you.

I'm not okay with it. I'm done trying to be okay with it, because I'm not going to be. You enjoy your time. Keep pulling people in really close and then pushing them as far away as you can as fast as you can. It's bound to work out for you eventually.

Take it easy.

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:: 2008 22 April :: 6.59 pm

I guess some of the things I do, like hanging up quickly or saying goodbye randomly or whatever is partly because I'm hurt but also because I'm hurt and I want you to react. But you don't. I thought about it and I understand why you don't. You don't love me like that anymore. That's why I WANT you to react. To know that you still love me like that, but you don't.

It's heartwrenching.

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:: 2008 21 April :: 10.18 pm

I guess I just don't care anymore.

Complain about homework all the time, then go hang out with your boyfriend instead of doing your homework like you said you would. No, I'm not talking about tonight, I'm talking about every other night for the last two weeks.

I'm sorry. You just don't have time for me anymore and that's okay.

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:: 2008 20 April :: 1.09 am

In a sad, fruitless attempt to keep my mind off of you all weekend while you were busy with him, I left. I came back. I hung out with people until I was no longer welcomed at that location, made a call, hung out at another party. I didn't want to drink enough so that I couldn't drive though.

I'm spinning out of control lately. I don't understand or see how my piece of the puzzle fits in to anything anymore. I cry a lot. I contemplate death a lot. I know you'd say relax, have fun, enjoy yourself, lighten up. I can't though. It's not who I am. I stand there watching drunk girls hit on other girls and guys and act like morons and I stand there watching guys act like idiots and it's all suddenly so very depressing.

It makes me want to never drink again, which I haven't for several days now. Not alone, anyway. I had a couple sips tonight, but nothing really. It's like you and pot. You don't like it and you say you never will. That's just your personality and your character and that's awesome. I'm the same way with a lot of stuff. It's not a sit back and relax kind of issue.

So there it is, I'm spiraling and I don't see how I fit into anything and I'm not seeing anything grand in the future. I can't even find the motivation to decide I have better things to do then sit around and drink and waste my night and money like everyone else. I just feel like I don't want to do it, but I have nothing to replace it with, nothing better to do.

You're moved on, you're happy.

I'm not in a good place.

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:: 2008 19 April :: 7.52 am

I drove off into the night to discover that I'm a confused man. Through tears and rainfall the blurry road nothing made sense. I don't know who I am anymore. Nothing is how it used to be in my mind.

I wish this open road was more comforting, but even it fails anymore.

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