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:: 2006 6 July :: 1.47 am

I think I'm going to be ending my time using this journal, as highschool is over. I think it'd be better to phase into a college journal, rather than have 400+ entries of my high school bullshit be behind my new life. We've finally decided on buying a car for me. I'm quite excited. Dad took me to the GA Aquarium on the 4th, it was really amazing. I wish it wasn't so crowded, however. We also went out to get Mexican Food at Uncle Julio's Casa Grande. Overall, things keep on moving in the right direction for me. That's how I hope things will be in college.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 29 June :: 10.18 pm

It's weird how rarely I write in this thing anymore. Well, I went to SOAR and met my room mates and got all signed up for classes. I currently have too many classes, but that'll work out eventually. I've been doing the sleep-over lunch pool party thing with my friends. It's been pretty nice, tommarow is a 80s Mystery Dinner down at New Hope South. It will be a hair crimpin' awesome time. I called for my AP scores today and I made a 4 in AP Bio and 5 in AP Euro! I'm so happy :D It's very vindicating.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 14 June :: 9.49 pm

It's weird to think despite all the important events going on in my life in the past few weeks, I haven't written anything about them. It's kinda sad, but I don't think graduation was all that important to me. I just wanted to get it over with and not have to think about the nonsense that is high school anymore. But even my diploma is lame. It says I satisfactorly completed high school, which is complete bull shit. I kicked ass in high school. My diploma should say something better than "satifactorly", my efforts were no where near mediocre. Ugh.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 22 May :: 12.01 am
:: Music: full circle :: no doubt

fuck you
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

I can't even begin to explain the amount of rage I feel right now. Over the past month, everything has fallen to pieces and I can't even begin to deal with anything. Absolutely nothing in my life currently functions in a healthy way and this is the only outlet I have. I don't have a family. I don't have friends. I don't have anything but an internet blog that nobody reads to express my anguish. I am sick of my parents fighting, I'm sick of having to pay the consequences of my parents' bad parents, I'm sick of having to put up with the psychological damage instilled on me. I don't deserve to be denied the most basic things, I can't meet my parents emotional needs, I can't drive, and I most certainly do not want to go to California. I just want to cry until this all goes away and feel like this never happened. So much shit has come up and I don't know what to do. I can't live with a money-addicted father and a retarded mother who sticks around and doesn't do anything about anything. This isn't normal and this isn't healthy. The more I think about the entire situation the more resentment I feel. I just want to fall asleep and break into a thousand sharp pieces and go away forever. I can't function as a normal human being, I am not able to do the things I should be able to accomplish. I'm not prepared for life and I should have never been born. I'm a huge mistake. And I'm so pissed off at my so called friends. I realize how much of my relationships with people have been lies and how little some people do care for me. And it isn't like I haven't put in any effort to be a good friend. I've tried really hard, but when your constantly reminded that you've been replaced by someone else or you hear about plans you were included in, it's impossible not to feel wounded. The vulnerbility I feel right now is atrocious, and I have nobody to turn to. I pray that I can get through this and find something new, but everything seems pitch black right now.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 17 May :: 10.38 pm

on the last day's eve
" It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it, right? And this bag was like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in. American Beauty

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 14 May :: 11.37 pm
:: Music: madonna :: don't tell me

Well, there are only 4 days of school left. It's very hard to grasp, that things will never be this way again. It is also a huge relief. Things are very different from what I expected them to be, but perhaps it is better this way. It's just shocking how fast this year has gone by. I went to IKEA on Saturday and must say that IKEA= Life. I want to buy everything there, or possibly move into the store. I can't wait until I can decorate my own home all IKEA-ish. Major points to Sweden for IKEA.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 9 May :: 12.16 am

I won the Spanish IV award :D

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 3 May :: 12.00 am
:: Music: kylie minogue :: come into my world

Ever have someone from your past just suddenly pop back up in your life? Allison came back. And it seems weird, but my life in Michigan doesn't even seem a part of me anymore. And we're both so different. And she seems so much cooler than me, and I just feel like the biggest loser ever. A virgin that can't drive. I'm Cher from Clueless except I'm not gorgeous, nor do I live in Beverly Hills, and I'm sure as hell not going to hook up with my step brother. I feel weird about the whole entire thing, like I'm going to throw up or something. It just makes me feel so out of place, but I normally feel happy about my life. Why am I going to let someone from my past disrupt how I feel about myself now? It just..ugh. There are so many unanswered questions, but we were nine years old. And now I'm 18 and things couldn't be anymore different. But at the same time it's comforting, that she's interested in knowing who I am now. Plus with AP exams coming up, I'm probably not emotionally prepared to handle anything right now. Ugh. The melodrama continues.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 23 April :: 1.34 pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: aqua :: barbie girl

Yesterday was quite a rollercoaster. I woke up and cried until about 2:00 pm, which wasn't that cool. The comfort I'm used to isn't going to be here for much longer, everything is changing and it's changing rapidly. I am really glad I went to prom though. It wasn't perfect or magical or anything of the sort, but it was enjoyable. And it's just one of those things you do just because it's those little life milestones. It wasn't anything life changing, but it was just simply fun. And simple fun is nice to have once in a while. And it is fun to dress up and see other people dressed up. And it's fun to dance and watch other people dance. It was nice, but it also was very tiring. I'm glad I went, but I don't think I would have gone to another one. Plus, I still smell like other people...

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 21 April :: 9.58 pm

I hate that so many of you have abandoned me and the distance between of all of is growing so rapidly. I remember when people cared, and things were better. But now I am crying at the computer screen as I'm desperately trying to tell you how bad you've made me feel, but you still don't understand. And I don't think I'll ever catch you for long enough to explain. And yet I try, and you just don't understand me anymore. You don't even know me anymore. And I don't know you anymore. But we used to. We used to know each other so well. And that's what burns the salt into the wound, that somehow we lost track. Somehow we gave up

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 16 April :: 8.23 pm

I think I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder :/

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 12 April :: 7.23 pm

I'm graduating with honors :)

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 9 April :: 2.14 pm

Friday was amazing. Sometimes you just need to talk for 6 hours instead of studying.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 4 April :: 7.49 pm
:: Music: the beatles :: hello, goodbye

a lazy tuesday night
I've written I think, less than 50 entries over the past year. Which is pretty pathetic, because a lot has been going on in my life. Maybe because I know nobody reads this except me I don't put in the effort to entertain people? Anyway, iTunes is highly addictive. I've bought 24 songs randomly, including the 90s classic "Barbie Girl", which I've realized is a totally disgusting song. Crazy Danish people and there double entrendres. I wish I could speak French or that the life that I live in my mind was real. I'm awesome at imagining things to be a lot better than they are. I kind of feel like the reason I'm going to prom is to make up for my lack of participation over the past four years. I'm really sad high school is going to be over because I can't make up for the time I lost, the mistakes I made. I'm also upset about how distant I feel from everyone, this isn't how I imagined things being at all. The closeness I felt with some people is not there at all. It's like I know them, but it's just kind of a run of the mill 'how is your day' type of stuff. Nothing honest or intimate. And it kinda sucks. It doesn't kind of suck, actually. It really hurts. And I'm hurt and nobody knows. Huzzah.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 30 March :: 7.10 pm

madonna :: express yourself
We watched a movie for foreign language week called Les Choristes . I thought it was a sweet movie, not the deepest or though provoking ever, but very simple and sweet. I think about how many movies I've seen in my life and how few of them are good. I want to watch more foreign films. It's interesting to see how people use the medium. This week is flynig by as well, I just want Spring Break to come!

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 25 March :: 5.27 pm
:: Music: madonna :: vogue

the current situation
It's been another very quick week, everything is speeding up very quickly. We only have 30 something days of school and so many things are going on. There's AP exams, Graduation, Prom, Spring Break, College's all very overwhelming. And while I feel I should go to's just a hard call. Berry does make my hard work feel appriciated, but I know I wouldn't have needed to work so hard to get it kind of seems my efforts were wasted perchance? I mean...4 AP Classes, 3.9 GPA, 1790 SAT score, 29 ACT score all are a bit above the average Berry student, right? And I don't even think my achievements in school are that spectacular. Better than average, yes. But I'm not Ivy League material. I kind of see myself as being mediocre in the realm of over-acheiving. I'm not one of those kids who is really smart but is really lazy, nor am I incredible gifted and make perfect, flawless scores on everything. There just is an uncertainty to all descisions and there isn't a glaring "correct" answer. Kind of a like a AP Multiple choice question, pick the best suited or most right answer...because some others could be considered correct. I think the presence of the German exchange students has also made me question my feelings toward education. There system is so much more difficult and intense, American schools seem subpar compared to the rigor and seriousness that they apply to the Gymnasium school (the higest level of German high school). It kind of makes me feel insecure in a way, as if my country isn't giving me the best education possible. I know the education system in the United States is lacking, but I'd like to think my high school is challenging and effectively preparing me for the rest of the world. But what is my high school in reality is very easy and my grades are inflated and this all means nothign? What if I crash and burn in the real world? I don't think that's necessarily true, but for some people in this country it very well may be. All in all the end of my high school education and this transition period is making me very confused and rambly.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 11 March :: 7.52 pm

Well, it's kind of surprising to win $94,000 in scholarship money in a two day period, but I'm quite happy to say the least. I got accepted to the University of Miami today, and must say I'm very happy to say I got into all three colleges I applied to. It's a big relief also, but despite this it is also very confusing. But I'm pretty sure I'm going to Berry still...but getting accepted to Miami and getting a scholarship there definetly shook things up a bit. But I must say, getting roughly $25,000 for my efforts in each year of high school is definetly worth it. It makes my hard work feel very validated, and yes I may have "missed out" on somethings, but I'm definetly not going to be missing out on anything in college because I can afford to go and the schools I got accepted to like me. So maybe being a nerd wasn't so bad after all.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 22 February :: 3.55 pm
:: Mood: guilty
:: Music: nada

the challenge that is college selection
Well, I went to the Berry Scholars Competition thing over the weekend, I think it went pretty well. I wish certain people weren't there, but that's life. However, I'm feeling incredibly confused about the whole college descision thing. Sometimes I feel like the schools I've applied to are below the work I did in high school, that I wasted a lot of time for something fairly easy to get. And at other times I feel like I'm going to crash and burn at college. It seriously sucks right now, and with my UGA acceptance letter being here right now, I just feel really torn and guilty for not being certain about anything right now. Why is having many options feeling worse than having limited options right now?

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 13 February :: 11.52 pm
:: Music: 2006 winter olympics

so it goes...
These last few weeks have really flown by...a lot has gone on. Last week Berry sent me stuff saying I won a $8,500/year scholarship as of now, which is pretty good :) I have a scholarship competition this weekend for a full scholarship and I really want to win it. I'm thinking that I'm probably going to go to Berry...things are working really well with that school and the seem interested in me personally, I'm not just another faceless number in the college application process. It all depends. I just really need a vacation...and I really want to watch the Olympics all next week...

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 5 February :: 10.13 pm

Are you making an intentional effort to be my friend? Is it worth the cost? Are you my iron?

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 30 January :: 10.59 pm

You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 10 out of 10 correct!

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 29 January :: 12.08 pm

Well I got accepted to college yesterday. The admissions people even wrote a little note on the bottom of it about how awesome I am. But it wasn't exciting or happy :/ It actually really sucked.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 21 January :: 9.38 pm

2005 in Review [ yeah i know it's 22 days late]
1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? Gone on a trasatlantic flight, applied to college, taken the ACT, taken the SAT, gone to Spain, gone to England, spent more time over the summer away than at home, seeing Gwen Stefani in concert!!!!

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't make resolutions

3. Did someone close to you give birth? Nope

4. Did anyone close to you die? Rajah, our dog :(

5. What countries did you visit? Spain and the United Kingdom

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? Courage, consistency, and fearlessness

7. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? The entire summer of 2005 in general...specifically my time in Spain, the Harajuku Lovers Tour

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Realizing life is too short to live for other people, finally being real, helping at Habitat For Humanity...becoming a senior etc

9. What was your biggest failure? Dropping out of AP English, but more of the fact that I let myself get talked into doing it despite not really wanting to and then having to deal with the consequences

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Not really anything major

11. What was the best thing you bought? Lemon fanta

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Uh...I don't really know

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? How everything is really changing, the fact that my "right" choices have put a barrier between myself and most of my peers

14. Where did most of your money go? Spain, the bank, my parents

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Spain, last day of Junior year, becoming a senior, Gwen Stefani in concert!!!

16. What song will always remind you of 2005? Hollaback Girl

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Spent more time with my friends, started applying to college earlier, better planning in general

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Worrying, caring what the world thinks about me, crying

20. How will you be spending Christmas? uh it's already past..

22. Did you fall in love in 2005? Nope

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Paris Hilton is getting on my nerves pretty badly, but nothing really personal

26. What was the best book you read? Harry Potter!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? More 80s music

28. What did you want and get? A lot more personal freedom

29. What did you want and not get? Louis Vuitton lol

30. Favorite film of this year? Did I even see any movies in 2005?

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 17...there was a lot of Hello Kitty stuff abound. At school it sucked though...

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Already being accepted to college

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? Not really caring, but still remaining to be clean and tidy!

34. What kept you sane? My iPod, my mom

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Rachel McAdams, Gwen Stefani, Kate Moss

36. What political issue stirred you the most? The way Hurricane Katrina was handled, it was really depressing

37. Who do you miss? The people from Grand Rapids

38. Who was the best new person you met? Megan or Caitlin

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: Life is best when you are being who you are, and that being yourself isn't something to be ashamed of. Most people will like you more

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

Well in other news, my birthday was Thursday and my mom's is today. Things are going okay, I officially hate trignometry though. Damn triangles...

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 17 January :: 2.46 am
:: Music: sky salt :: how i feel

To be or not to be?

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 9 January :: 11.51 pm

dame el sangre
So today I had a pint of blood taken out of me. It was not as bad as I expected, but it's also creepy to see a bag of your own blood fill up over time. And then I started thinking about the symbolism of blood and where my blood might go and got way to metaphysical for a Monday afternoon. But I'm excited for some reason, I feel like I've done something right by giving blood. Anyway, on Saturday I got a letter that may change my life. FSU is offering me an opportunity to study abroad for 12 months for my freshman year in London, Florence, Valencia, or Panama City (In the Republic of Panama, not the city in Florida). This is what I've wanted for so long, to be able to study abroad and have my time there mean something and be relevant to my education. It's weird, you here about how peopel get random letters that give them something so amaznig...and it's happened to me. And it's really hard to believe that my life is going somewhere beyond what I am now....I suppose this is where I realize this chapter of my life is ending and a new one is beginning. So forth begins the transition.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2006 3 January :: 5.17 pm

I don't care any more about the handsome wealthy boys who come gingerly into the living room to take out the girl they thought would look nice in an evening cocktail dress...I said I wanted to go out with them to meet new people. I ask you, what logic is there in that? What guy you would like, would see the depths in a girl outwardly like all the other physical american queenies? So why go places with guys you can't talk to? You'll never meet a soul that way---not the sort you want to meet. Better to stay in your garret reading than to go from one party to another. Face it, kid: unless you can be yourself, you won't stay with anyone for long. You've got to be able to talk. That's tough. But spend your nights learning, so you'll have something to say. Something the "attractive intelligent man" will want to listen to. Sylvia Plath

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 29 December :: 8.43 pm

Well I've decided to apply to UGA, University of Miami, Florida State and Berry College. Hopefully one of those four is the right place for me?

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 28 December :: 2.06 am

It's scary how easily holidays can be ruined.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 19 December :: 11.27 pm

this is what it is
It's finally time for me to accept that life is way to short to be living it for other people. And it's also time for me to stop comparing myself to other people. The countenance of most things are different from what they truly are. So while I can hear about how certain people get accepted to Harvard and other prestigious schools, I won't let it bother me anymore. Because I know a lot of people cheat and a lot of people were taken advantage of for quite a few of you to get where you are going. I bet they're happy they tricked the big ol' Ivy League....which brings up the fact that the most prestigious colleges in America fucked up. Imagine that. Maybe those people will realize their admittance was a mistake eventually. But in reality, I am happy for my friends who have been accepted to college...because they worked for what they got honestly. And were punctual and stuff. We've come a long way, haven't we?

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 14 December :: 1.52 pm

Handwriting Analysis

What does your handwriting say about YOU?

life was a struggle against death | Random Journal