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:: 2005 20 May :: 7.12 pm

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 18 May :: 10.11 pm
:: Music: hole :: celebrity skin

view from the past
I can't believe I only have one more week of school left, and then it's over.

Let's end it on this.

And I got my passport today!!! Woohah!

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 16 May :: 11.49 pm
:: Music: tlc :: waterfalls

I just found out the best thing ever....

Clarissa Explains It All and Pete and Pete are coming to DVD tommarow!!!!

All I need is Are You Afraid of the Dark? and my life will be complete.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 14 May :: 7.41 pm

profound thought of the day:

age doesn't matter unless you're cheese.

1 hypochondriacal imagination | life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 11 May :: 9.50 pm
:: Music: fiona apple :: sullen girl

on a serious note...
Over the last four days I've been stewing on a great deal of information relating to my own mother. I've been really lucky that my mom has been honest about her life experiences and never hid anything from me, but I found out something so horrible it makes me physically sick. The realization that my own mother is one of the countless rape victims in the world completely changes how you see everything, even outside of the realm of abuse. The viscious way in which my mom was attacked makes me want to gash razor blades into the flesh of the person who did this to her. And then I think of the social scrunity my mom faced... I just feel so helpless. I remember the time I was in a sitauation were I could have been raped...and the shame all floods back. I cry a lot now, I cry for my mom and me. I cry for the girls who've been raped, who are being raped, who will be raped. I cry because I know what it's like to not be able to tell anyone, to find help. I cry because this is too common. I cry because so many victims blame themselves. It's so disgusting what people will do to feel power, to take so much out of someone else. To make them hollow.

Sometimes I don't feel like there is enough hope in the world for me to get through it.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 9 May :: 6.10 pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: green day :: holiday

madness is all in the mind
It's scary when your teachers ask to sign your yearbook before your friends do.

I definetly attract crazy.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||||| 46%
Stability |||||||||||| 46%
Orderliness |||||||||||||| 56%
Empathy |||||||||||||| 56%
Interdependence |||||| 23%
Intellectual |||||||||||| 43%
Mystical |||||| 23%
Artistic |||||||||||||||| 63%
Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Hedonism || 10%
Materialism |||||||||||| 43%
Narcissism |||||||||| 36%
Adventurousness |||| 16%
Work ethic |||||||||||||| 56%
Self absorbed |||||||||||||||| 63%
Conflict seeking |||||| 23%
Need to dominate |||||||||||| 43%
Romantic |||| 16%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 50%
Anti-authority |||||||||||||||| 70%
Wealth |||| 16%
Dependency |||| 16%
Change averse |||||| 23%
Cautiousness |||||||||||| 50%
Individuality |||||||||||||||| 70%
Sexuality |||||| 23%
Peter pan complex |||||| 30%
Physical security |||||||||||||||| 63%
Food indulgent |||| 16%
Histrionic |||||||||||| 50%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 63%
Vanity |||||| 23%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Female cliche |||||||||||||| 56%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 6 May :: 6.15 pm
:: Mood: geeky
:: Music: random velvet revolver stuff

Haha. AP US History Exam, I totally spanked you like the bitch you are.

Yeah, I'm getting way into this insulting inanimate object thing. What can I say, I'm just happy that I finally did something right. 2 more months until Espańa and only 3 more weeks of school.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 2 May :: 10.11 pm
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: the

the monday after
I took my first AP exam today, specifically AP Lang/Comp. Surprisingly enough it wasn't as bad as I had predicted at all, which makes me even more anxious. Either I'm brilliant or mentally incompasitated, but I guess I'll have to wait 'til July to find out. After the exam was over I went back how and vegged out for a bit. Then Mom and I ventured out to do some shopping for Kevan's graduation gift, but ended up buying random crap from World Market. Oh well. Then I had to go the tedious Honors Night. The ceremony was vastly overblown, and it seems the same group of people always end up winning awards. Afterwards, my family and I trekked over to Steak 'N Shake for dinner. I'm satiated and want to go to bed now. Overall, I'd say this is a really good day.


life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 24 April :: 10.54 am

My life is in freefall.

Who will be there to pick up the pieces when I shatter?

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 22 April :: 3.57 pm
:: Mood: surprised

So...this was kind of a weird week. Power went out today for the last two hours of school, which was really uncomfortable. It got really humid rapidly. I had fun for the time we were in 5th period, we played charades, heads up seven up, and some other random crap. Then in 6th period we talked for the whole period. Maybe the power should go out more often....

Weirdest of all was a girl in my Chemistry class got lip collagen for prom. Ick...

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 20 April :: 7.35 pm
:: Music: kelly clarkson :: since you've been gone

I'm panicking about my AP exams. I feel like I'm going to go into Cardiac arrest...

But at least my haircut looks good.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 17 April :: 10.54 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: no doubt :: magic's in the makeup

Magic's In The Makeup
(Gwen Stefani, Tom Dumont)
Return of Saturn, 2000
Producer: Glen Ballard

Can you tell I'm faking it?
But I want to be myself
A counterfit disposition
Can't be good for my health
So many different faces
Depending on the different phases
My personality changes
I'm a chameleon
There's more then one dimension
I can fool you and attract attention
Camouflage my nature
Let me demonstrate...

Makeup's all off
Who am I?
Magic's in the makeup
Who am I?

If you bore me then I'm comfortable
If you interest me I'm scared
My attraction paralyses me
No courage to show my true colors that exist
But I want to be the real thing
But if you catch my eye can't be authentic
The ones I loath are the one's that know me the best

My makeup's all off
Who am I?
The magic's in the makeup
Who am I?

The makeup's all off
Who am I?
If the magic's in the make up
Then who am I?
Magic's in the makeup
But I want to be the real thing
But the magic's in the makeup
And I want to be the real thing

My makeup's all off
Who am I?

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 16 April :: 9.55 pm
:: Music: blondie :: rapture

auto show
I got my passport stuff squared away, so in approx 30 business days I will have an United States passport! I'm really excited, especially about going to Spain. Later in the day, my father, my brother, and I trekked down to the Atlanta World Congress Center to check out the AJC International Auto show to see next years new cars and stuff like that. It's really cool to be able to sit in Porsches and Mercedes-Benzs and take stupid looking pictures in them :) But best of all my fun time at the Auto show was I was able to help some Spanish speaking people get to the Marta train. I've never been able to seriously use my Spanish before, and the fact that I was able to understand and help someone in a language not my own is just shocking. I just can't believe how good it feels to help someone.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 15 April :: 12.52 pm

Happy Tax Day!

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 10 April :: 7.13 pm
:: Music: gwen stefani :: hollaback girl

it's the end of spring break and i feel fine
Last night was my first Braves game of the season. Our seats were pretty high up and unfourtunetly caused me to have a serious case of vertigo this morning in Church. The new things they've added to Turner Field are pretty cool, how could an 8 story TV not be? We had fun and the Braves won, so it was a pretty good day. But because we were up so high, it apparently effected my brain some way and caused me to have some serious balance problems. They're gone now, so it's all good.


Nevermind the good vibes I had before, I read a bunch of random journals from Starr's Mills' Livejournal/Xanga communities and I have come to this conclusion: Starrs Mill Kids are a bunch of fucking whiners who take everything they have for granted*. (Of Course not everyone, but it sure seems like it, because as a SMHS student, I gotta overdramatize this edit as well).
Image hosted by

All I gotta say it, all this shit is B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 7 April :: 10.01 pm
:: Music: no doubt :: big distraction

This last week has been a study in the lofty ambitions and lesser disturbances that affect us all. I throughly enjoyed Friday's Faculty Follies, even though I couldn't recall much of it today, as a near week has passed. I had another confrence with my counselor, Mrs. Edwards, to determine if I can take courses over the summer to accumulate the necessary credits to graduate according to Georgia Law and still earn the AP credits I want. I personally have no intrest in taking Government and Economics with a bunch of senioritis-striken losers, but apparently this is another hoop the Georgia School System will force me to jump through. It's a shame when overachievement leads to being forced into low-level classes that aren't significant. Rajah passed on Sunday, so we had a little funeral. It was very emotional, particularly for my mother. The pain brought on by our beloved pet's death still stings freshly in my mind, but I remind myself that everything happens for a reason, a purpose determined by God. I've enjoyed most of my free time in planning my research paper for AP English and hoping to eventually fall out of love with the haunting memoirs of a childhood I never had.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 1 April :: 8.54 pm

God Bless Pope John Paul II.

There are not enough words in the English language to describe how incredible this man is. And I hope when he passes, the world does not forget the message this man offered to the world.

W imie Ojca I Syna I Ducha Swietego.

Wierze w Boga, Ojca Wszechmogacego Stworzyciela nieba i ziemi, I w Jezusa Chrystusa, Syna Jego Jedynego Pana naszego, który sie poczal z Ducha Swietego, narodzil sie z Maryi Panny, umeczon pod Ponckim Pilatem, ukrzyzowan, umarl i pogrzebion, zstapil do piekiel, trzeciego dnia zmartwychwstal, wstapil na niebiosa, siedzi po prawicy Boga Ojca Wszechmogacego, stamtad przyjdzie sadzic zywych i umarlych. Wierze w Ducha Swietego, Swiety Kosciól powszechny, Swietych obcowanie, grzechów odpuszczenie, ciala zmartwychwstanie, zywot wieczny.

Ojcze nasz, którys jest w Niebie, swiec sie Imie Twoje, przyjdz Królestwo Twoje, badz wola Twoja, jako w Niebie, tak i na ziemi, chleba naszego powszedniego daj nam dzisiaj I odpusc nam nasze winy, jako i my odpuszczamy naszym winowajcom, i nie wódz nas na pokuszenie, ale nas zbaw ode zlego.

Zdrowas Mario, laskis pelna Pan z Toba, blogoslawionas Ty miedzy niewiastami I blogoslawiony owoc zywota Twojego Jezus; swieta Mario, Matko Boza, módl sie za nami grzesznymi teraz i w godzine Smierci naszej.

Chwala Ojcu i Synowi i Duchowi Swietemu jak byla na poczatku, teraz i zawsze i na wieki wieków.

O mój Jezu przebacz nam nasze grzechy, zachowaj nas od ognia piekielnego, zaprowadz wszystkie dusze do nieba, a szczególnie te, które najbardziej potrzebuja Twojego milosierdzia.

Witaj, Królowo, Matko milosierdzia, zycie, slodyczy i nadziejo nasza, witaj! Do Ciebie wolamy wygnancy, synowie Ewy; do Ciebie wzdychamy jeczac i placzac na tym lez padole. Przeto, Oredowniczko nasza, one milosierne oczy Twoje na nas zwróc, a Jezusa, blogoslawiony owoc zywota Twojego, po tym wygnaniu nam okaz. O laskawa, o litosciwa, o slodka Panno Maryjo!

Módlmy sie! O Boze, którego jedyny Syn przez zycie, smierc, i zmartwychwstanie zdobyl dla nas nagrode zycia wiecznego, spraw, Ciebie prosimy, aby rozmyslanie tajemnic rózanca swietego Najswitszej Maryi Panny pozwoliloby nam je nasladowac i tak dostapic spelnienia ich obietnic przez Chrystusa Pana Naszego

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 30 March :: 12.47 pm
:: Music: the hum of the library's air conditioner

William Faulker, I hate you!
Stuck in the library for AP Lang/Comp research project on Mr. William Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury . Personally, I'm getting bored of reading about incestous Southern families. It also doesn't help that the psychology books I'm reading are clearly telling me that I've had an absolutely horrible life and have no chance of functioning properly unless I shell out $200 for a person with a PhD to listen to me for 45 minutes.

I'm underwhelmed and overwhelmed at once. What a miracle.

I really wish I could see the Napoleon Dynamite play in Spanish again.


Things got better after 4th period. I danced in public. LMAO!

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 29 March :: 8.39 pm

Johnnie Cochran died...why is everyone dying all of a sudden?

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 27 March :: 3.14 pm
:: Music: backstreet boys :: larger than life (kill me please...)

In Perspective
Happy Jesus Resurrection Day!

I've been doing good bit of thinking over the past few days...particuallary after the Georgia High School Grad Test. And I think I finally got it. I just simply don't belong here. The more I think about it, I realize how few attatchments I have left...and how this place obviously isn't for me. So I can just stop trying to impress people who don't care, etc. Seriously...the only person I can honestly say I have a real, meaningful relationship with is Jenny. It wasn't this way before, but I suppose this is God's way of preparing us for college and moving away. It just feels good to finally realize you aren't some freak of nature, that this time just isn't your time and this place isn't your place. I'm so glad I can figure this stuff out. Just finally realizing I was another fish in everbody elses' ocean...the release. No more time for people who have no time for me.

I helped out at the Special Olympics on Friday. That definetly helped put things into perspective, dull down some prejudices and assumptions. I think the reason a lot of people are negative towards those who are "challenged" (I don't think they are at all, gifted is more like it) is that those people don't have the negative attributes most people have. This group of people cheered each other on all the time, and were just happy to be together. It didn't matter who came in first, it didn't matter who was fastest, the prettiest, the thinest...whatever. They just wanted to be good friends and have fun. They aren't tainted by the sins that we are. And the more I think about it, the more I realize how jealous I am. That I can't remain innocent.

You are Napoleon Dyanamite and a buttload of gangs
are trying to recruit you.

Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Another frigteningly honest quiz result brought to you by Quizilla!

1 hypochondriacal imagination | life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 22 March :: 11.39 pm

Everyone really liked the hair. Twas nice.

I hate the 11 solutions lab with a passion. I really need to buy the Bell Jar...

And...this is my 300th entry. I'm that big of a complainer!

3 hypochondriacal imaginations | life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 21 March :: 11.44 pm
:: Mood: discontent

I dyed my hair orange-red today, at first it was colored. But it's been toned down. I like it.

Took the 1st part of the GA graduation test, my lord are we a stupid state. Either the answer to the question was as visible as a crow in a clear sky, or the question made as much sense as Zell Miller, the dude who wanted to duel people. But wasting time is nothing to complain about. All in all, it just seemed pointless. Kinda like high school.

I still have no idea where I want to go to college at, and I'm getting sick of not knowing which college puzzle I fit into.

I hate not feeling pretty.

I had something profound to say, but I forgot it.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 20 March :: 8.05 pm
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: gwen stefani :: the real thing

Me: i'm thinking instead of writing in my journal, just finding random people's entries and copy and pasting them into mine and pretend that's my life
Becca: hahaha!
Me: because copy and pasting is a lot easier than actually having to interact with people, and y'know have a life
Me: not to mention that tedious typing

Me: life is confusing
Me: especially when your living in a glass coffin

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 20 March :: 4.56 pm
:: Mood: aggravated

I really need to learn how not to suck at CSS.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 18 March :: 11.42 pm

Argh. I had another fight with my mom. She was ranting about how horrible college is for me and that it's all hedonistic and liberal. And she just doesn't know when to stop and it makes me really angry because where she gets her information is obviously biased....
She thinks I'm brainwashed by liberals...what the heck? I'd never in 10 hundred billion years ever vote for a democrat EVER. But because I don't support Republicans, either I'm the freaking spawn of Satan. I can't stand it, I hate it how people manipulate religion to hurt each other. All I want is to be able to worship Jesus and not be persecuted for it. And if there are so many unsaved people in college, if all Chrisitians avoid it, who will save those people? And then she tells me I can't go to a school that's liberal or non-Christian affliated. So there goes 2 1/2 years of hard work of trying to get into a prestigious school. All colleges and universities have debauchery. It's not avoidable. From Harvard to the local community college to the Christian affliated to the most liberal colleges in the world, they all have people doing stuff they shouldn't. That's the world in general. But to tell me that when I'm an adult that they won't support my descisions for my just hurts. It's definetly a personal attack. So of course I went into the bathroom and cried. Not because of the religious stuff, but because all I want has been destroyed. If I don't get a full scholarship, I can't go to the schools I want to. I'm so angry at my mom right now and most angry at Pat Robertson for ruining my mother.

To quote Will Smith circa 1989 " Parents just don't understand".

The talent show was pretty cool, nonetheless.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 17 March :: 10.07 pm

Happy Saint Patricks Day.

My LAMB order came yesterday. I'm quite pleased with it. But I also got a dumb project in APUSH. We have to make a board game about Domestic Politics from 1945-1959, because when I think educational entertainment I think Domestic Politics from the Eisenhower era. Argh. I wish our group had gotten counter culture and had unlimited creative license on the board game. I hate it when people take an awesome topic and produce lack-luster results. I definetly have issues with those who aren't creative.

We're probably going to put Rajah down sometime in the next week. I'm really sad...but I can't cry about it. It just doesn't seem real.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 17 March :: 10.05 pm

A Synthetic Drawl
From A Plastic Doll

Whispers from the Know-it-All
Stuck in the back hall

Watch as we fall
The phathom of a silent call

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 12 March :: 10.58 pm
:: Mood: mischievous
:: Music: britney spears:: oops! i did it again

not that innocent
I lost my virginity...

My L.A.M.B. clothing virginity! I ordered two lovely L.A.M.B. pieces from ShopBop yesterday and saved 20% on them! I'm getting a white Where Did My Lamb Go? tee and the requisite Gwen-esque clothing item, a L.A.M.B. racer back tank in black. While yesterday was fairly successful, today was pretty icky. My parents got into a huge fight and my mom kicked my dad out of the house. He went to our Pastor and he's home now, but I know things aren't right. I'm sick of this. I finished my cat sculpture (finally) and an art assignment. I still have a Chemistry paper to do, along with my art sketchbook and APUSH terms. I hate school work...

@ = true

001. I miss somebody right now. @
002. I watch more TV than I used to. @
003. I love olives.
004. I love sleeping. @
005. I own a home.
006. I wear glasses/contact lenses.@
007. I love to play video games.
008. I've done something illegal. @
009. I've watched porn movies.
010. I have been in a threesome.
011. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
012. I like my handwriting.
013. I have acne-free skin.
014. I like and respect Al Sharpton.
015. I curse frequently.
016. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. @
017. I have a hobby. @
018. I've been to another country.
019. I carry my knife/razor/whip/whatever weapon you want here everywhere with me.
020. I'm really, really smart.
021. I've never broken anyone else's bones. @
022. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal. @
023. I love rain. @
024. I'm paranoid at times. @
025. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. @
026. I need money right now. @
029. I have fresh breath in the morning.
030. I have semi-long hair.
031. I have lost money in Las Vegas.
032. I have at least one brother and/or sister. @
033. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
034. I shave my legs. @
035. I have a twin.
037. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
038. I like the way that I look.
039. I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months.
040. I know how to do cornrows. @
041. I am usually pessimistic.
042. I have mood swings. @
043. I think prostitution should be legalized.
044. I think Britney Spears is pretty.
045. I have cheated on a significant other.
046. I have a hidden talent.
047. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
048. I've been sexually intimate with less than ten people. @
049. I am currently single.@
050. I have kissed someone of the same sex.
051. I enjoy talking on the phone.
052. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
053. I love to shop. @
054. I would rather shop than eat. @
055. I would classify myself as ghetto.
056. I'm bourgeoisie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
057. I'm obsessed with my Xanga.
058. I don't hate anyone.
059. I'm a pretty good dancer.
060. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington.
061. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
062. I have a cell phone.
063. I watch MTV on a daily basis.
065. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
067. I have never been in a real relationship before. @
068. I've rejected someone before. @
069. I currently have a crush on someone.
070. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. @
071. I want to have children in the future. @
072. I have changed a diaper before. @
073. I've had the cops called on me before.
074. I bite my nails.
075. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club.
076. I'm not allergic to anything.
077. I have a lot to learn. @
078. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger.
079. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie.
080. I am (can be) very shy around the opposite sex.
081. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
082. I have at least 5 away messages saved.
083. I have been rejected by someone. @
084. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past.
085. I own the "South Park" movie.
086. I have blown off work to have some fun.
087. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.
088. I enjoy country music.
089. I love my best friend(s). @
090. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
091. I watch soap operas whenever I can.
092. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist. @
093. I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
094. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all. @
095. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story".
096. Halloween is awesome!
097. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
098. I have dated a close friend's ex.
099. I'm happy as of this moment.
100. I have gone scuba diving.
101. Had a crush on somebody I had never met. @
102. I've kissed someone I knew I shouldn't.
103. I play a musical instrument.
104. I strongly dislike math.
105. I'm procrastinating on something right now. @
106. I own and use a library card.
107. I fall in "lust" more than in "love."
108. Cheese enchiladas rock my socks.
109. I think The Lord of the Rings is one of the greatest movies/books ever.
110. I'm obsessed with the TV show “The O.C."
111. I am resentful that I have to grow up. @
112. I am an entirely different person around different people.@
113. I think the world would be a better place if people just smiled more often. @
114. I think ramen is one of the best foods in the whole world.
115. I am suffering of a broken heart.@
116. I am a nerd.@
117. No matter where I am or who I'm with, I always seem to be lonely.
118. I am left handed and proud of it. 1/2@
119. I try not to change who I am for someone.@
120. My heart resides below my feet.
121. I have had sex with someone I was not in a relationship with.
122. I enjoy smoothies.@
123. I have had major surgery.
124. I have adopted a pet from the ASPCA.
125. I am listening to Radiohead right now.
126. Some people call me by a nickname. @
127. I once stole a music stand.
128. I like pumpkin pie.
129. I love NASCAR!
130. I own over 200 CDs.
131. I work 7 days a week.
132. I have mono.
132. I don't have the ability to make decisions without changing my mind.
133. People tell me I have a horrible sense of humor.
134. I'm still in my PJs.
135. I'm looking for love in all the wrong places.
136. I have a tendency to fall for the wrong boys, or have them fall for me, so I can't help but reciprocate.
137. I'll try anything three times.
138. Done drugs other than alcohol or cannabis.
139. I'm having trouble sleeping.
140. I am a cuddler.
141. I love John Waters films. @
142. I have made a pornographic videotape.
143. Sloth is my favorite deadly sin.
144. One of my boobs is bigger than the other.
145. I know all the words to the "Firefly" theme song.
146. I love Dr. Pepper. @
147. I'm a programmer.
148. I can't explain why I'm unhappy at times. @
149. I own and have read all of the Harry Potter books.@
150. I like to smell my own hair.
151. I carry a book with me almost everywhere I go. @
152. I have an eating disorder.
153. I have flown to a different country to see a band.
154. Been hospitalized for "mental issues".
155. I have survived totaling a car I was driving.
156. I am addicted to a Manga/anime.
157. Somehow I always seem to get myself into trouble.
158. I have dated someone for longer than 5 years.
159. I have been hit by flying Eric Szmanda spittle.
160. I have lived in three different countries.
161. I have tattoos.
162. I have lost someone I cared about deeply. @

2 hypochondriacal imaginations | life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 10 March :: 12.30 am
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: random new order song

analysis of the past week
I guess I really needed the last five days to mull over things. I'm very depressed and constantly brooding. It bothers me so much that out of all my suffering, most people don't notice. It scares me, that we live in a world that so easily ignores others pain or possibly is completely unaware of it. I wanted to cry in Art today, but I didn't. I can't let myself be an emotional whore, I can't be vulnerable. Too many people take advantage of those who are in their most fragile states. A large amount of song lyrics, Dr. Covel teachings, and Sex and the City episodes have formed this complete circle in my mind about happiness and love. There is a book about Love in the Western World and how someone pain became an essential part of what we consider love. If there is no pain, there is no love. All these song lyrics, every sitcom ever all constantly restate this as truth. I think of the lyrics of "Don't Speak" and "You're So Foxy" and most importantly the phrases "We try to fight it, the agony and ecstasy
And it's painful but it's worth it " "don't tell me 'cause it hurts". It's all so frightening, all this insight.

MADE is coming to my school next Monday for auditions. I feel bad that our school is apparently chock-full of people who haven't been able to obtain some of their dreams. Argh...I can't write much more because it reminds me of English class and our discussion about how the American dream leads to the downfall of people.

Anyway, a lot of stupid family stuff has been going on. I'll summerize by using IM conversation excerpts:

When I was visiting my Aunt Linda in Florida she told us about how my Aunt Norine and Rich were trying to force her into rehab for alcoholism and how angry she was that when my cousin melissa (Linda's daughter) lived with them Melissa wasn't treated very nicely. and Rich was trying to be in control all the time
X END IT ON THiS [9:12 PM]: and then she told us that Rich has been smoking pot, and my Aunt Norine doesn't have a problem with it. But they do have a problem with my Cousin Neil smoking it, but since Neil is the person who figured that Rich is the one smoking the pot he holds it over there heads when they try to punish him for smoking or drinking.
X END IT ON THiS [9:14 PM]: my Cousin Neil has gotten kicked out of 2 schools in the past year and last weekend he had a party with my Uncle Kirk, who was supposed to be watching him X END IT ON THiS [9:15 PM]: Uncle Kirk is a recovering alcoholic/heroine addict
X END IT ON THiS [9:15 PM]: and the police came, and put my Uncle Kirk in jail END IT ON THiS [9:19 PM]: and my Cousin Neil and his friends wouldn't pay $80 to bail him out
BlueGem3746 [9:19 PM]: how lovely
X END IT ON THiS [9:19 PM]: and my Aunt Linda in back in Illinois to turn herself in on a petty theft charge, so if they arrest her she'll be in the same jail as my Uncle Kirk

X END IT ON THiS [9:22 PM]: :/ I could do a psychology PhD disertation on my family

I'll probably write about my Boca vacation tommarow, since this post has been pretty negative.

life was a struggle against death

:: 2005 4 March :: 12.32 pm

I stayed home today. But this reason isn't as selfish as my others, it's because my dog Rajah is dying. And it's so hard for me to even write this, because it validates that he's going to be gone soon. It just hurts so bad. I don't think I'll be updating this for a while.

life was a struggle against death | Random Journal