lowbacca1977

stupidity and me
all day today, and last night as well, i've been asking myself over and over how i could have been so stupid. how it is i could've realised so much and yet with just a few words from her, ignored it all. how could i have been so foolish and so stupid as to believe that she was still in love with me?
i mean, things were so obvious, and yet, i wouldn't let myself see it, wouldn't let myself admit that she'd already changed her mind.

i guess it comes down to my own feelings as well......when one believes in something so much, one ignores what else can happen. for 2 and a half years i worried about when the day would come that she would choose someone else over me, be it for proximity, or just someone better. as time went on, i began to feel more and more like that wouldn't happen as i was told it wouldn't more and more. by the time i had realised that i was very close to being there on a perminent or semi-perminent status, i thought i'd finally won, that i didn't have to worry about that anymore. and yet, now, i see how wrong i was.
i loved her so deeply, and still do. i was looking forward to, above any possible regrets, essentially giving up my entire life thus far so that i could be with her and build a future with her. the thought constantly scared me, but i always felt it would be worth it, just as the most painful relationship i could immagine was going to be, i always felt, worth it. a day didn't go by that i didn't think of how i was one day closer to finally having my life the way i wanted it to be. i knew i could've, theoretically, asked her to marry me and not have had a single ounce of reservation about it in my body. i even knew, had it ever come to it, that i would do anything for her, short of killing and that all. heck, i'd have died for her. thats how committed i had felt to her, and to what i had perceived as 'us'.
all those emotions blocked me from seeing what was going on. for months i was replaced with another guy, the amount increasing day by day, but i always refused to see it. maybe she did too. maybe thats why when i asked, she told me that not only was he not interested in her, but she wasn't interested in him, and i didn't need to worry about it. but i still should have seen it all as it happened. as she told me how he was more interesting than me, as i watched her flirt with him in messageboards, as she described him as just like me, but closer, as she got jealous of other girls that got attention from him. i should have seen that all coming, but i didn't.
what do you do when you love someone so much that thinking about them almost brings tears? when you know that you'd do anything to win them back but also that theres nothing you can do to do that? for a brief time, it felt like the puzzle that was my life was complete, i knew where i was going, what i wanted, and who i wanted it with. things were finally fitting together, and where the problems were, i fixed them. i tried to keep her happy and give her hope, i worked hard as i could with school so that i could get it done sooner, and have the flexibility to study abroad there or outright transfer there. i got a job so that i could save up and pay for everything i could during her stay here and then later my trips there.
i want to let go, and i can't. the feelings are just too strong to deal with like that. she made me feel more wonderful than i thought possible, let alone more than i thought i'd ever feel. at a time where i had accepted that i'd never really have any relationships, i had to find someone that seemed so perfect, that i fell in love with so deeply.
she brought out sides of me that i was glad to see, sides that i didn't even know existed.
3 years ago, i never would have guessed the things i'd be capable of......not being suicidal, not being self-destructive, writing love sonnets, happy, affectinite, easy going, feeling like i belonged somewhere, feeling like i had a plan, feeling loved.

i keep telling myself that what she's doing now is for her best, and that i should be happy for her. after all, that is what i've wanted all along, was for her to be happy, it just hurts now that thats not going to be through me that she feels that. its the sort of thing that one would think my brain at least would be on the right side......but my heart just keeps longing her while my brain just keeps reminding me of how close it came, and reminding me why i love her as much as i did, and still do.
whats more, i know its wrong of me to wait, hoping that she'll one day change her mind, wronger still to hope that her times ahead might be rough, but i can't help it. and i despise myself for it. for being selfish, for thinking that i could or should have her to myself. i guess, the most i can in honesty ever hope for is that somehow, i get her back.

i've had so much advice from so many different places about this....from when it started off and she just was considering breaking up, to when she broke up with me, to when she decided to enter another relationship, all in a time span of three weeks. some just wished me luck, or said they were sorry. some told me to give her the time and room she needed, and that i might be lucky. some said that hoping for her again was pointless and it would never happen. some said that i should just take care of myself, and not worry about her. so much advice, and yet, i can't get past it all. i can't forget how or why i fell in love with her, and those reasons persist till now. it would be so much easier if it had been different, if it had been only a casual relationship, or had ended earlier before so much was planned, or if it had just become an open relationship, or if things had been discussed first.
i just can't help but feel that its something worth fighting for. i was told that fighting till the end is noble, while fighting after you've lost is just futile. but i can't help what i am. i've fought the futile fight many times before. i've lost, many times before. from that, i've seen my longest friendship destroyed. now, through the same tactics, the same mindset and attitude, the same determination, i seem to have lost the person that i cared about most, that i had done my best to dedicate my efforts to making her happy.
i want to seperate myself from how i felt in the past, but i can't. its like i'm trapped in my own emotions, and i can't free myself of them. and all because i was too foolish to see that months ago, i had already lost. i fought the windmill, and the windmill won.

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