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Broken wings

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:: 2006 12 January :: 6.05 pm

Hold on
now. You two.

Do you know how much I miss you?
You were everything. I didn't think about you as much as I should have. And I lost you. We had everything in common. I don't know why I was so selfish. I don't know you now. It hurts so much.
I miss our card games. Speed, Egyptain, War... they ment more than it seems like.
I miss our chess. I'd basically force you to... then you got good... and I was horrible! -.-
I miss puyopuyo.
I miss our sleepovers. It was never weird sleeping in the same bed.
I miss our talks. We could cover everything in the universe by dinner time... how can this be? How did I stop this? How can I start it again?
I miss you more than anything. Except for the next one.

As for you... I really really care. You had been with me forever it seemed... I couldn't remember a time when we weren't friends. When you come back... we won't be. I cried to Ryan last night about you.
I miss our talks. Sexual innuendo, however crude or rude, we could always laugh together.
I miss our DDR. You were always better than me. But I loved you because you helped me made me get better.
I miss our sleepovers. "Retard it" "Pringles top" "I'm sorry, but your fingers are tooooooo faaaat, for a special dialing wand, please press one." Remember the one where you had been playing SIMs the entire day previous? Then you yelled in your sleep in sim lingual... I was afraid you were going to murder me.
I miss our board games. You always played LIFE with me no matter how much you were sick of it.
I miss our card games. You slapped with your nails and won every time. Never a poor sport.
I miss your air. I miss just... being around you. You always asked what was the matter~it seemed like you really cared.
I miss you more than anything. Except for the previous one.

I don't think I'm as much work as I used to be.
Loosing these two ladies were the mistakes of my life.
I've cried gallons over them~good and bad~irrational and rational.
I just... overreacted. I can't tell you how much I'm sorry. I can't explain how much I've grown up. I can't express all of my regret.
It was all about me.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry...

I love you both,
Lauren

Out of my misery?


:: 2005 14 May :: 10.13 pm

How can I deal with this life anymore?


I want to die.

3 Let me die on | Out of my misery?


:: 2005 30 April :: 6.47 pm

I wish I was Hot Carl Junior.

Out of my misery?


:: 2005 28 April :: 7.05 pm

I don't.
And yes you are.

Out of my misery?


:: 2005 24 April :: 4.07 pm

I talked to mom.
I told her everything I've been dealing with lately... Nathan, Brooke, Anna, Amelia, Patrick... She was really blown away by what I had to tell her. She's worried about me. She said I shouldn't have to deal with such heavy problems. I also told her about how I feel about religion and getting older.

She understands.

Out of my misery?


:: 2005 23 April :: 9.38 am

Well... no entries in a very long time.
I've read a few of the previous ones. They make me angry.
I can't seem to want to grow up... I haven't even gotten my permit. I'm faily history. Many people seem to hate me too. I don't really know what to do anymore. If any of you have it together, please tell me. I'm so frustrated. I'm jealous and pissed. I want to kill 4 people... and maybe 1 more. I just want them out of my life forever. I don't understand how she can be so happy... She smiles so much now, no stressing... She has him. By the way, if none of you knew, my best friend stopped being friends with me... twice. How can Anna move on so fast? Nope, how can Amelia? I think she was the person who made me cry the most, yet in my life. But I'm not happy she's gone. There is kind of a gaping hole. I don't know what I'm feeling now. Mike is a bitch. He's one of the people I want to kill currently. I kind of feel like cutting. I know it's no way out, but it might releave some of the pressure going through my life right now. My parents are there for me they say... but they don't seem to be. Life's a bitch and then you die. I think I'm heading for death right now... because I have sunk into the worst place yet. I thought it would get better 2 months earlier... but hey, it hasn't.
Maybe once I start feeling better about myself, my life will get better. But to feel better about me, I have to apply myself...

...Not going to happen.
Hate on.

2 Let me die on | Out of my misery?


:: 2004 11 November :: 12.08 pm

I had an hour long descussion with my dad last night about responsibility.

I'm going to see Stacy today... so I'll tell her about it...

It's time for me to grow up.

1 Let me die on | Out of my misery?


:: 2004 8 October :: 12.06 am

My life is crumbling beneath my feet.

Is it time to start over?

Out of my misery?


:: 2004 25 September :: 9.05 pm

Talk about emotionally shattering...
She wants me to make her happy... or be happy that she is... When she never made the effort to make me happy...

This week has been one of the worst. I got abused by my father.... I passed a kidney stone.... and my friend wants me to be happy for her when I can't even handle my own things... She calling me a princess? That she can't have any fun without worrying about how it affects me?! I'M FUCKING DYING OVER HERE AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN GIVE A SHIT! She doesn't stop by to see what's going on... not to see how everything happened. She doesn't even call... She stands from affar and wonders why I'm not at school, and then reads my journal, and doesn't even comment.

Nathan won't bring it up. Allan asks why I'm to hate myself. Patrick offers help, and then leaves. Anna doesn't know. Amelia doesn't care. I've been killing myself and killing myself and people around me aren't speaking up... they aren't seeing how hurt I am... they aren't offering support... They just like to say how horrible it is, and wonder if I'm okay.

Fuck them. Fuck all of them.

Not to mention my boyfriend... Yeah, he called 2 minutes after school got out, yeah he came to visit me for 5 minutes... but that doesn't change the fact that he spent the weekend DDRing it up with his buddies and not worrying about how his girlfriend for nearly a year is doing... WITH A KIDNEY STONE. I doubt he even told anyone, not even his parents that I was abused... and even when I came to him, FIRST.



Crying just takes away what little energy I have left. So just fuck it... But I can't stop.

All I want to know is that someone actually stays with me... and should understand why I am angry... I just want you to understand.

3 Let me die on | Out of my misery?


:: 2004 6 August :: 12.55 am

Love
Harry Potter rocks. I can't wait till the next book comes out... I shall orgasm... with teh Lizzie myster....

I love Ryan

I love my friends

I love my family

Although it may not seem like it sometimes, I care more than anything and you all are so important to me...


I love you guys.

Me

Out of my misery?


:: 2004 25 June :: 6.46 pm

1. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES??
white, brown, blue
2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
HP and The Order of the Pheonix
3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
We don't use a mouse pad
4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
CANDY LAND, WEEEEE! XDDDD
5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE?
MAD
6. FAVORITE SMELL?
Rain
7. LEAST FAVORITE SMELL?
Gas of the human species
8. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE
UP IN THE MORNING?
Ryan
9. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
Two most of the time, maybe three
10 WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE?
Love
11. FAVORITE SOUND?
Maynard's voice.
12. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
Depends... probably vanilla, just because Todd said that's what he thinks I would taste like. ^^
13. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?
I would if I could drive...
14. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
4
15. STORMS COOL OR SCARY?
AWESOME...oh, sorry, ehem, cool.
16. YOUR FIRST CAR:
A station wagon, most likely
17. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE:
Frank Senatra or Grampa Bill
19. WHAT IS YOUR SIGN & YOUR BIRTHDAY:
Aries & March 25, 1988
20. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
Only when the broccoli is cooked.
21. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Interior designer/artist/video game creater-tester/baker/something that makes HUGE amounts of cash with minimal work
22. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR, WHAT WOULD IT
BE?
Lime green & blue streaks with purple roots & tips
23. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
Yes, I am right now.
24. IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY?
Empty most of the time, full some of it
25. FAVORITE MOVIE?
Pirates of the Caribbean, The 5th Element, My Neighbor Totoro, Princess Mononoke, all LOTRs, all HPs, more
26. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?
Yuppers
27. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?
Tubs of stuffies
28. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER?
4! FOUR! WOOOOOOOH!! WHOOT WHOOT, GO #4!!!
29. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
Hockey
30. WHAT IS YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST FEAR?
De@th of all I care about
31. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS
TO YOU:
She doesn't care that I copied it from her journal...I hope... ^^
32. THE PERSON MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
I'm not actually sending it to anyone.
33. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO
RESPOND?
Not sending it to anyone.
34. What CD are you listening to in your car stereo
right now?
Rather in my CD player-Mindless Self Indulgence
35. FAVORITE TV SHOWS?
Monty Python's Flying Circus, Under the Umbrella Tree, The Simpsons, The Family Guy, Dave Chappel Show, Ed Edd & Eddy, others
36. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD?
Catsup
37. HAMBURGER OR HOTDOG?
Chicken dog
38. FAVORITE SOFT DRINK?
Mountain Dew
39. THE BEST PLACE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN?
England, Disney Land, others
40. WHAT SCREEN SAVER IS ON YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW? The ˇ°My Picturesˇ± one.
A blank, black screen

Robber,
Me

1 Let me die on | Out of my misery?


:: 2004 25 June :: 5.55 pm
:: Mood: So special, bouncey, and bubbly...

-New expencive outfit is on...YEY! ^^-
I don't think I mentioned this here before... What was the best feeling I've had in the presence of Ryan? There are so many... they all involve eye contact, smiles, and holding eachother. But if I have to pick one... or a few... ^^

It was either the second or the third time I went to his house (I think second, but anyways,). We were moving his things into the room across the hall. I started to get a headache. He sat me down and lay beside me. Ryan put the covers over me... and held me. I fell asleep with with his arms around me. It was amazing... and I think it was the first time I said, "I love you." to him in person... It ment so much to me.

Another time, it was the first LAN I went to. Again, here comes the headache. Well, the sweety bought, with his FOOD money, Advil for myself. I said he didn't have to do that. He said it was his job to take care of me.

It started to pour outside when he was at the house one afternoon. Since I love the rain, I ran out into it. I stood at the curb and played in the river that runds along-side it. I put my head up and swallowed the refreshing droplets. Then I spun around in the rain and danced to the rhythm it made on the rooftops and trees. He followed me out, even though he doesn't like cold rains (which it was) and put his arms around me, and kissed me. It was perfect.

It's every second spent with him. The Friday of one of my trips to Seattle and we waited with me for my mum. Well, on the corner he made me laugh like nothing else. I don't remember all of what he said, just the way he made me feel. It was another moment he took to heart, put his arms around me, smiled, and we kissed. It was another moment, I'll not forget.

Perfect. Simply, perfect.
Every second spent with him-perfect.

"You make my heart smile."

Just kiss me,
Me

PS: The next time I spend with him, I want it to be under the stars...

PPS: You know? It's not a wonderful idea to watch Love Actually when you're away from your significant other. It's about how love is everywhere... or in fact, "all around." I wish it was closer to me. I wish he was closer to me. I hope nothing bad happens while I'm away... I really need him.

Out of my misery?


:: 2004 31 March :: 10.10 pm

Woa... have I not updated in a while... ^^

I love him more than ever. He's the sweetest Ryan in the entire world. He's beautiful and he thinks I'm beautiful. And he's wonderful, caring, generous, 'yxes', loving, sweet, trustworthy, goreous, and I'm going to be away from him for 5 days this spring break...

It will matter when it's going on, but it will pass. I will draw him pictures. Wonderful pictures. And when I get home, I will make out with him for the rest of spring break. ^^

Oh boy do I love Ryan.

-me

Out of my misery?


:: 2004 21 February :: 2.10 am
:: Mood: furious
:: Music: Miyavi - POP is -

H a t e? Yes, I h a t e him...
So...you all want to learn about my life? Parents...I don't know if they're still fighting. Today was mom's birthday. She got screen doors, a briefcase, flowers, and other stuff. She took the whole day off. And I love her for it. She disserves more days off.

Ryan's making me uber angry. Like I'm just friendly joking around with him saying that he doesn't value my feelings and I'm so over exagerating and he could see that. Now, when he does it he says I h a t e him. It's just not like that. He wasn't over exagerating. He was just saying it plain out like that. Wanna read some of it?? (It's an AIM) Okay::

Him: but no u wouldnt let me do it after school you just h a t e me soo much
Me: What do u mean I h a t e you?
Me: I don't h a t e you!
Him: when i tried to lightly slap your lower back but no u just have to deny me
Him: u just shoot me down all the time
Me: When did you lightly slap my lower back?
Him: yes u do you h a t e me soo much
Him: after school
Me: When though?
Him: u just dont like me enought to remember when good u just me *starts to cry*
Me: You're bullshiating me, Ryan. I love it.
Him: no i'm not
Me: You're so not crying.
Him: no i'm not but i'm sad
Me: Why?
Him: cuz i h a t e me
Me: Why h a t e yourself?
Him: no u h a t e me
Him: and if u h a t e me i me
Me: No i don't.
Him: yes u do u dont even remember when i did that thing
Me: Does Mom ring a bell? Does Saturday ring a bell?
Him: no saterday, after school
Him: dont you remeber
Me: 1. No I don't remember.
2. Mom doesn't like you g r o ping me.
Him: who says i was g r o ping you after school, u h a t e me soo much u dont even remember what i did god i feels so bad now
Him: brb
Me: My face is hot and my ears are ringing.
Him: back sry i have to brb again
Him: back now
Me: Good for you.
Him: yep but i know u h a t e m
Him: me*
Me: I'm not putting it past myself right now.
Me: I don't feel well. This music is making me want to m u r d e r something and you're making me feel worse.
Him: so u h a t e me sooo much ur ignoring me now
Me: I could very well h a t e you...
Him: well dont i'm doing what u were doing to me earilere

Gosh...I do h a t e him. He's so rude. What in his right mind thinks he has license to do that? He has no idea how angry I was....I didn't even say, "I love you" when he left. What a b a s t a r d. I just want to slap him...to bad I'm not near him. Gosh....*makes strangling motions with hands* He thinks it's okay to treat me like that after he give me a hicky that my parents go balistic over? I don't think so....he's just such....such an ass hole. I should let him go without anything for the next few days....

H a t e r of Ryan,
-Me

6-something-04
PS: "Everybody knows diaries are just full of crap..."

Out of my misery?


:: 2004 13 February :: 8.34 pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: Hey Lets Go: My Neighbor Totoro

Last night Anna spent the night. She said Ryan was saying that I was going to give him a hand job after school. This I never said and he never pressured me into. But apparently Ryan knows more about what I will do then I myself know. He lied. After our first try at a relationship, we said there would be no more lying...

Last night Anna said she wanted to go to the mall. She wanted to see if Ryan could really play DDR as well as he said he could. Neither of us had saw him play, not even Anna at all those LANs. So she pulled me along and we met Ryan at the Plaza. We took the bus up to Northtown Mall. We started to play DDR, come to find Ryan isn't good at all. Not at all. So here he is again....lying.

I'm sick of it. He lies to me/ABOUT me after he says he won't? This is bad. I mean.....it's not like I care whether he is good at Dance Dance Revolution. He doesn't have to lie to impress me. That un-impresses me. And talking about me behind my back when it's NOT good? And then saying on the phone, "Oh, I never said that!" It's just bullshiat. I h a t e people lying to me. Especially people I love and take so dearly in my heart, such as Ryan. I just think he needs to think before he speeks. He has no idea how much it bothers me. And lying is the worst thing anyone could possibly do (emotional-wise)....

-Me

Out of my misery?

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