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illusionofgaia

:: 2017 11 October :: 10.00am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: none

Better
I feel like I've been doing better lately. My depression comes less often than it used to. I miss smoking though. Also, I've been reading The Southern Reach Trilogy aka Area X and I'm enjoying the hell out of it. Hope it stays good as I get further into the book.

1 put a little lead | in his head


illusionofgaia

:: 2017 4 October :: 10.02pm
:: Music: Brand New - Same Logic/Teeth

Clay
As man, you rose from dirt.
As man, you are a wad of clay.

Unmolded, unsclupted.
Unbranded, unmade.

Just build. Piece by piece.
Step by step. Day by day.

As clay, you may crash and break.
But as clay, you are what you make.

-Aaron

"Goddamnit you look so lovely, but you sound, you sound, you sound so ugly."

2 put a little lead | in his head


illusionofgaia

:: 2017 1 October :: 11.37pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Finch - Play Dead

Family
Sometimes I wonder, am I a terrible person for having so much disdain for members of my family? It isn't like I'm constantly bickering with them, or even treating them with malcontent. If anything I'm more than accommodating, constantly providing for them when they are in need and what not. However, I find myself feeling angry that I can't be selfish even when I would prefer to be. I want to leave and disconnect. To drop off their radar. It would be easy for me to find work anywhere in this country, considering my profession is in decent demand. Keep what I earn for myself, be where I want to be. Have all that I've ever wanted. But I can't. I'm too cowardly to be alone, despite always wanting to be. Maybe it isn't my family I'm angry towards, maybe I'm angry at myself and I'm projecting. I hinder my own progress because I'm weak and afraid. Always be stuck in the past, worrying about the present, fearing the future. Fuck.

in his head


illusionofgaia

:: 2017 9 May :: 1.00am
:: Music: Le Butcherettes - Normal You Were

Vice
I've been smoking a lot again. It's becoming a habit I'm ashamed of. Before, I didn't feel too guilty. Now, I feel that if I would channel the time and money into something more productive I would feel more accomplished with my days. I spend maybe $200 a month and an hour a day on this ugly habit. That's 7 hours a week I could channel into painting, drawing, or writing. That's $1200 a year I could use to pay off some of my debt or invest into something. Let's get real though, I'm not going to. I'm a demon left to his vice. Why? Because it feels nice to ignore the world for while everyday.

2 put a little lead | in his head


illusionofgaia

:: 2017 6 May :: 6.53am
:: Music: At The Drive-In - Incetardis

Help, I'm Alive.
Hello woohu. Aaron here. It's been quite a while. Practically 10 years or so. Update? I'm still Asian. I'm still with Cristina. I still get frustrated with family. I continue to self loathe. What's new? Ricky and I are no longer close friends. Long hair, long gone. I don't write anymore. All I do is work.

I hope you don't mind, but I hope to write entries again. I enjoy the fact that no one knows this exists. Fuck social media.

in his head


takingbackstina

:: 2005 16 January :: 6.00pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: camera obscura - anti-western

you listen to rubbish i really despise and tell me that sand is just grit in your eyes.
friends only

♥ cristina

20 put a little lead | in his head

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