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:: 2004 17 June :: 6.09 pm

hog wild
our relationship seemingly falling apart at the seams.

that's it.
our grandmothers were not seamstresses.
my mother has been in and out of relationships
since she was 15.
and here she is today-50 and alone. what does she think about at night? when she closes her eyes to black and swirling conor does she have anything to hope for? i am hopeless and 17. i would not like to live like this.

another tepid simile
to add to my collection
of humdrum rhetoric
i am fading away.

psycho-analyze me

:: 2004 17 June :: 6.07 pm

a spiral
starting at the center
of the space in between
you and me
out of control
out of orbit

i. am. dead.

a decision has been made
a line crosses the spiral
shoots out into the space between
our hot bodies
radiating a heat
that is blinding

i. step. back.
on all fours
i have stopped wishing
to walk.
i have stopped showing you
i am capable.

I'm. not. capable.

you can leave if you want
a dusty glimmer shining in your wake
ill watch you leave
and i will warn you
not to come back.

i am the one stuck here
i am the bag on the train
stuffed full of souvenirs
intentionally forgotton
the baby on a doorstep
a bra on the floor after a one-night stand.

we cannot go back
to what we had
one year ago today.
we have digressed.
doesn't that mean anything
abotu the distance?

i. am. not. sorry.

psycho-analyze me

:: 2004 17 June :: 6.05 pm

dark sunglasses
this is looming
i want it as is
but this shadow
is towering
shutting out all light
from the sun.

in my place
i am lost
crossed lines showing me i have no straight line
how long must i wait for you?
if you go and leave me down here on my own
will i wait for you?
please come back
sing to me...
i cannot erase these lines.

im losing my love for this
i'm losing all respect for me and myself tonight

psycho-analyze me

:: 2004 17 June :: 6.01 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: leaky faucet

pulled me over with a bang bang
There's a bad omen in the air right now
a funny smell
i cannot
i should not
be here

i'll leave salt in your shower
and hairs in your bed
you'll come home to find
that i have gone
my smell lingers
there is something different
in the atmosphere.
a fading gold aura....

what really happened?
what did you do?
what was the connection?
why is it such a big deal?
are you lying?
are you guilty?
did you kiss her?
did she kiss you?
did she try?
did you ever feel uncomfortable?
shuld you tell me something?
am i right to cry?
am i right to be terrified/suspicious?
was it a coincidence?
did it ever cross your mind to be with her?
did you ever think about her that night?
did you get butterflies at the prospects?

i need to be free of this
i need something more
what can i do next year with myself....
i do not feel like i can handle this
i have said i cannot but i think we both know
that i will not end this
i cannot
i am pathetic.

i don't know what to do anymore...
i feel like there are a lot of secrets between us

we can talk about it when you get here
we can?
will it end the same way it always does?

i need out of this.

psycho-analyze me

:: 2004 17 June :: 3.13 am
:: Mood: sad

to be crazy like me
blood pumps
my house of bone
my tomb...
my glass shelter.
i need to escape.
constantly waiting
for when I can start
... Has my life already
slipped by?
liquid seeping out
the corners
dried and cracked

the faucet in my bathroom
reveals my face
distorted, blurried
i do not even recognize
this face
water splashes
water spots away
my blood drains
red to white
in the shiny silver.
i am not alive.
i cannot be

this is not what life is
i have drained this life

once drained
forever stained
with heartache

my eyes burn
with self-deprication
only because i let you
make mistakes
over and over
i'm out
of solutions.
i'm out of the answers
to make you stop crying
i cannot convince you
ever again
that this is what I want.

the same things uttered
the same stale statements
tepid similes
and washed out metaphors

you love me like
i love you like
water hits the basin like
the sun goes down like
you give up.

i cannot give you
one more benefit of a doubt
i cannot show you
what i feel
it is only mine-
I don't even want you
to know.

we speak to each other
so later we can say
"oh sorry, you misunderstood."
i prepare myself
in so many ways
to feel better when you
let me
always aware
that it is imminent
but i am IRRATE

this is you at your finest
the short goodbyes
cannot tell me enough
that we are so far
from where I thought we were.

"do not cry over the things
you cannot change"
-but you make believe
everything is out of your hands.
i will not cry
god, grant me the serenity
when you do not ridicule
to accept the things I cannot change
i will not walk away
the courage to change the things i can
when you tell me you are wrong
and the wisdom to know the difference

i cannot make anymore excuses.

1 psycho-analyst | psycho-analyze me

:: 2003 9 June :: 8.14 pm
:: Music: bright eyes

maybe i'm the only one that thinks this is weird.. but when your dad comes to town from ohio and goes first to his friend's house and then calls his daughter from there... there's something seriously wrong with this picture. oh well.

4 psycho-analysts | psycho-analyze me

:: 2003 7 June :: 9.41 pm
:: Mood: exanimate
:: Music: dire straits- romeo and juliet

my juliet....
so there is another time. today has been hell. 6 recitals... 8am until 5pm.. no downtime.... my eye sockets hurt like mad. and i'm so tired that i can't sleep. i need to call allie, need to call lowell... but i can't think right now. conor just called. from fucking west virginia... hi honey.. can only talk for a second, going to play pool... how was your day?? oh perfect sweetheart... lemme tell you. because if i told you it would make things 100% better i swear.
ok exanimate is NOT the mood i'm in. not pissed off tho either... just.. god just fucking tired. just sick of everything going on right now. to still have school left, conor gone, too many days until lillian comes, hungry, cold, need to bitch but dont' wanna talk. just wanna sit here, boiling.
right now would be a great time to play guitar. if only i could play.. if only nathan were here..

listening to bright eyes now. wanting to rollerblade. play piano really loudly. "So I stand in the sun
And I breathe with my lungs
Trying to spare me the weight of the truth
Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
You've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
And laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
Wishing you were a ghost..." ahh bright eyes. reminds me of kate... funny thing is i haven't seen kate in a year. i guess its not funny. its sad, really. i wonder what she looks like now, how shes changed... what kind of hug she would give me if i bumped into her in the loop or at a concert.
i wonder how nathan would react. i haven't seen him in pending on a year.. about 10 months... joey in a year and 6 months. jesus. it doesn't seem that long at all. i feel suspended in time right now. that time is moving so slowly.. or perhaps so quickly that i can see it. like in that fucking movie with the guy from swimfan.... timestoppers or whatever..clockstoppers. something like that. sigh..
i think of how we used to be
the bright flowers
the table cloths of white..
then i remember we never had any of that
they were in the books
the pages of dreams
i read while you slept
with your face turned toward the door

psycho-analyze me

:: 2003 6 June :: 11.00 am
:: Mood: restless

promise me
posting.... its weird to be back on here. haven't written in awhile. i can't tell you how many times i started to write, many 20-30 times... then just stop. not feeling creative, not feeling like i need to anymore... i do'nt know why.
possible its because i'm still fucking in school (i am right now, sitting on the floor of my 'american dream' class with a labtop, typing.) see... i have this power point thing due today but i finished yesterday so i have nothing to do this period. or any time today. stupid may term classes... layout and yearbook and acapella... why can't i just go home and lay in the sun??? it won't affect anything.
a lot has happened... maybe i just never write in here anymore because too much has happened and i don't know where to start or even if i need to write it all down. conor and i are still going strong... i get really sad sometimes thinking about him leaving next year. only 3 hours away, but still that's pretty far when i can't visit him on a week night.. and this summer... he works all the time, every day until 4 and i'll be in stlouis probably a month in all, and i don't know when we'll get to spend time together. and he leaves tomorrow on his rafting trip... i don't know. its just all going so fast. and next week wednesday is my last day, and lil comes which makes me soo happy to think about... friday awards, saturday graduation, and then what?? then i guess.. nothing.. then i wait a week and drive to stlouis and lose myself in comfortableness. i actually can't wait for that. i don't know anymore. my friends here are pissing me off- everyone but jessica. like some of my other friends still just cannot stop making fun/being dicks about conor and i. and even when i say something and i have tolerated it for so long... going on like 5 months now.. they still continue. i was gonna hang out with lowell tonight, been looking forward to it all week since ive been sick and had to help my ma with dance stuff.. and today he's just like i don't wanna hang out with you if conor's gonna be there, and he said the same thing to jessica about steve... i don't know. and jessica understands- its just like, we're not going to break up with them because you think they treat us too well. sometime he'll have to come to grips with it i guess. but oh well, i was looking forward to tonight- now i'm not so sure.

haven't talked to taylor in awhile. don't have classes with him.

elyse is talking again. figured out about the wrath of steph and is coming back... makes me happy.

11:16 and 20 more minutes until this class is over. its so quiet in here i think i might scream. my head hurts too. the dull aching behind my eyelids that makes them flutter and the clean pulse of blood behind my ears and neck that makes me unable to think. i couldn't do a project right now if i wanted to. I wish i were in stlouis now tho. or lil or allie were here or conor wasn't going out of town or lowell was understanding or ... something... oh well. i wish i was going off to college in the fall. colorado or minnesota or new york.. big exciting places. stuck in little ft.wayne for 2 more years. i figured i've learned enough. i've just been wading through busy work for 2 years and getting A's... i think i probably knew enough at the end of my 8th grade year for god's sake.

i don't know where this is going. i should just "delete entry" and move on...pretend like i never even started to write this. pretend like i sat through class, staring at a blank computer screen. oh well. "update entry" it is.

happy birthday agaain allie... did you try calling me last night?? i didn't get any messages, but apparently lowell called too and i didn't know that either so. call me tongiht or tomorrow after 5. or just sometime before you leave on monday... i have a boy here for you. he's perfect. hell, if i didn't have conor he'd be all mine.

till next time, if there is one

2 psycho-analysts | psycho-analyze me

:: 2003 15 February :: 6.54 pm
:: Music: sarah mclaughlan "ice cream"

we're all mad here
You are The Mad Hatter
You are The Mad Hatter

One thing is for sure- you're as mad as a hatter.
You have an obsession with time and if tea time
were to ever cease, you would probably be even
more confused.

What Alice in Wonderland Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

psycho-analyze me

:: 2002 15 December :: 6.01 pm

What sexy girl are you

brought to you by Quizilla

psycho-analyze me

:: 2002 20 November :: 2.41 pm

I'm a Strawberry Daiqery, discover your ALcoHoLiC personality!

psycho-analyze me

:: 2002 15 November :: 8.24 pm


psycho-analyze me

:: 2002 9 November :: 12.05 pm

i haven't posted in what seems like forever.... my life has crumbled in the last few weeks, but i'm coming back around... got my nose pierced last night.. it makes me smile. i enjoy it. kissing has to be careful now though... i will be driving in 2 weeks.. that makes me more happy than anything has in months. or something like that. i just can't wait to get behind the wheel by myself (legally) and go somewhere.. anywhere will do... sigh. the weeks go by like thunderstorms...

psycho-analyze me

:: 2002 9 November :: 12.02 pm

your smell surrounds me
beckoning me in
i am drowning in a sea of warmth
of wetness
of longing and loneliness
...but you're right here you say...
you're not going anywhere
but i have my doubts

"your taste still lingers on my lips like i just placed them upon yours, and i starve.. i starve for you.."

i am your muse
your moisture
you came along
left me feeling abandoned
when you were sitting right across from me...
i don't know what to think anymore.

i used to sing
melodies echoing through my head
resounding through my lips were my muse
i used to cry...

sometimes i'm not so sure
if i breathe regularly
or if my breath comes only sometimes
when i least expect it
terrifying me all at once
this newfound experience
my anxiety in all its GLORY
keeps me from living

psycho-analyze me

:: 2002 9 November :: 11.55 am
:: Mood: indifferent

that night
that beautiful night
lingers in my mind
lingers on my lips
drawn to a smile.
my eyes
tired and gray
but full of you

i believe that
i am in the midst of fighting a war
an intolerable time

your parents return today
your childhood returns
you cry and
you smile
but no emotion comes through to
my visage.
i am moved by your words
but only because i try to move myself.
i make noises and get up
walk around the room to
stare at things
i'm really not interested in
i'll pretend until you look away
you tell me i'm most beautiful
when i don't know
you're watching me
i tell you i'm most beautiful
when i'm in your arms.

i regret saying things like that.

i regret being unoriginal but
when you fill me up
with all that is you
i can't help but to match my breathing
with yours
i can't help but sumbit

i grieve
for everything i cannot be for you
but mourning does not make the sun set
crying does not bring darkness
and you still sit
watching me

i lower my eyes from your gaze
i fell my skin tingle and
i smile.
my body feels so different
when your eyes follow my every curve
every line
every inch

i feel my bones
beneath my skin
hard and protruding
i cannot but think
of your hands
wrestling my skin
exploring chartered territory
you mark me with your fingertips
escaping my breaths
marinating in warm prespiration..

i look at you
and see that
just you
and i smile...
you look like music to me
but i still feel like i've never really seen you

1 psycho-analyst | psycho-analyze me | Random Journal