Fool enough to almost be it Cool enough to not quite see it Doomed Pick your pockets full of sorrow And run away with me tomorrow June We'll try and ease the pain But somehow we'll feel the same Well, no one knows Where our secrets go I send a heart to all my dearies When your life is so, so dreary Dream I'm rumored to the straight and narrow While the harlots of my perils Scream And I fail But when I can, I will Try to understand That when I can, I will Mother weep the years I'm missing All our time can't be given Back Shut my mouth and strike the demons That cursed you and your reasons Out of hand and out of season Out of love and out of feeling So bad When I can, I will Words defy the plans When I can, I will Fool enough to almost be it And cool enough to not quite see it And old enough to always feel this Always old, I'll always feel this No more promise no more sorrow No longer will I follow Can anybody hear me I just want to be me When I can, I will Try to understand That when I can, I will


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the sun shines but i don't

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:: 2009 13 May :: 9.35pm

I don't like being a grownup. It is not fun. Ugh.



:: 2009 7 May :: 11.49pm

I am done with college, kids.

On Saturday, I will graduate as a BA with a BA!

Drinks, guys? Friday or Saturday night would be best. Let me know. Let's party like it's 2009!

6 ..... | ....


:: 2009 4 May :: 9.40pm

I am doing my final French translation project (Due tomorrow although it has been in my possession for...over a month. I lost it for a while and was afraid I'd have to get another copy.) and my professor gave us the weirdest things to translate.

For some reason, he gave us all old articles about the dangers of these newfangled things called...wait for it...COMPUTERS. Mine is an article from May 1991 about keeping medical records (dramatic pause) ON COMPUTERS (gasp, faint in terror etc.).

My favorite part so far?

No, it's not the part about keeping our precious family history on terribly not safe things called computers.

No, it's not the part where they talk about this whole process being a conspiracy between pharmaceutical labs and an early Apple company called NeXT (who really is only in it because the technology is available and they want to be ahead of the game).

No, my favorite part is where the author rambles on about the things that are going to be transmitted from computer to computer. Things! And...X-Rays! And...EKGs! And...notes they took when we came into the doctor's office and we talked to the doctor! His biggest fear? The fear that closes the second paragraph? He fears that while computers are in black and white now, someday they may be in color. And they will be capable of transmitting all sorts of documents like calculations performed in spreadsheets that will be able to make 3D plans!

It's great fun but this article is really way too long. Yeah final project blah blah but I'd rather be done with this already. Stupid homework.

Never again after Saturday, kids! NEVER AGAIN!

I love you all.

1 .... | ....


:: 2009 30 April :: 2.53am

Let me tell you about the not terrible at all things I am doing to show you that my life is actually awesome and not terrible at all.
Throw up throw up throw up throw up.

Last class tomorrow. Still have 4+ papers (best estimate has been 5-6) and one exam next week Thursday.

Cap and gown threw me over the edge. Puke puke. And of course people at work can't stop talking about how next Thursday is my last day.

I got that job by the way. Sorry, things got in the way so I haven't talked about it. Remember the one I talked about earlier? I had a French interview after my normal one and I guess it went well because I start the Monday after graduation: May 11. Ugh. Adult life is such a bummer. But full time, one and a half times what I'm making now plus benefits after 90 days is kind of nice, I guess.

I applied to another government job. This one requires a civil service exam. The next testing period is in June and since I have a real world job now, I have to choose a date during the weekend. Of course, the second I got home to set a date, all the testing times at GRCC were taken. Same with East Lansing. And Dearborn. So I could choose Auburn Hills, Caro or Sault Ste Marie. Guess which one was the only city with Saturday testing times available. That's right. Sault Sainte Marie.

So on June 6, I will be driving by myself to the UP for the first time. I have never been to the UP. I have never driven by myself for longer than two hours. And since the test is at 10:30 in the morning, I should leave by at least 6:30.

Is there anything awesome up there? I definitely am going to stop at the locks because I'm a dork and locks are awesome. And I hear there are waterfalls up there somewhere too. I might as well make a day of it. Let me know what I need to see and where I need to go. My camera is definitely coming with me.

Okay I just googled some waterfalls and not only are they a little disappointing but they are also basically in Wisconsin. So I definitely need some tips. Is Sault Sainte Marie a cool town? Should I just stay around there?

I'd like to say a little something here about stupid people but I decided to say this instead:

You have one life to live. You have a ton of time left to live it. (Don't you start in on me about how old you are. Look at how far you've come. You are still young, kid.) Are you really going to waste some of that time worrying about what might happen? There are so many things out there you could be doing. There are so many places to see and people to meet. Stop sitting around worrying about whoever the news is telling you is coming after you, hates you, wants to get you. Stop thinking about catching whatever they say is out there from paper plates or pop cans or popcorn or other people. Are you going to waste this moment of your life inside? Worrying? Scared? Live. Do things. Love. Hug someone, love someone, do something. Just breathe. In. Out. Live.

I have only been alive for 22 years. Do you know how much I still get to do? I get to get married, have kids, have adventures, have grandchildren, live a long life. I get to graduate from college next week with a bachelor's degree. Who knows what the next 22 years hold for me? I am excited.

I love you guys. For serious. I hope you all are doing okay and aren't too stressed out. Just keep breathing and put it in perspective. Papers aren't going to kill you. Exams aren't going to kill you. Do it and get it over with.

I love you.

6 ..... | ....


:: 2009 28 April :: 12.45pm

I hate April
Nick's coworker also passed away Sunday night. He was 35, divorced and had two daughters. He had a massive heart attack and never woke up.

The only good thing about this month is that it is almost over.

4 ..... | ....


:: 2009 21 April :: 7.32pm

Bad news comes in threes, right?

Nick's grandmother (the one on his father's side, the one his parents are staying with)'s best friend passed away Sunday. Four years ago on the 15th, Nick's grandfather (her husband) passed away.

So at 9 Sunday morning, we all got up and drove up to the house to basically house-sit while Grandma got out.

I got to see the house in daylight on Sunday. I don't know what was the worst thing to see: how small the hole is...the hole that used to be the house, the steps that led to the front door that are now cement steps to nothing, how little is left or the charred leaves and grass surrounding the house, the charred path carved out behind the house to the man who started it all, the ash that threatened to jump the road to take out another house. I don't know.

I think I was in shock before then because Sunday night it really hit me that it was all gone. And Nick's parents are spending their days making lists of everything they had, trying to remember everything they lived with, how old it was, where they bought it and quoting things that have no price. Things like Nick's grandfather's woodworking tools, the baby clothes, his great-grandmother's handmade quilts, his grandfather's guns, the bunk bed his father made, his mother's wedding dress, Jess' cake and all the pictures of everyone and everything.

I feel like I need to be helping out more but there's nothing we can do. I can make food, I guess. I can give hugs. But these lists, the insurance stuff, everything. I can't help.

When they start to look for places to live, then I can help.

Thanks for everything, kids. Love ya.

3 ..... | ....


:: 2009 17 April :: 4.08pm

Nick's parents' house burned down yesterday.

Fox17 (We were there when they filmed the news at 10. We watched this story at his grandmother's house while they were up at the house. It was surreal.)


Everyone is okay. Nick's parents were at work. His mother's sister lives with them and works third shift. She was asleep when the house caught on fire.

We went up there last night to see if we could help with anything. The whole house is gone. They went to buy some clothes and necessities but they have nothing. Aunt Jean saved the laptops and the dog. The stray cat that they feed occasionally is okay too.

Thank goodness everyone is safe.

It's so weird to see the house not there. We visited them for Easter and talked about what they would change if they had to build the house all over again.

Nick, Katti and Jess grew up in that house. His family built it themselves.

I am glad everyone is okay but I really wish it hadn't happened. They are staying with Nick's grandmother who lives down the street for now.

I feel like I should do something for them but I don't know what to do. We are just thankful that everyone is okay.

3 ..... | ....


:: 2009 1 April :: 5.37pm

I have an interview next Wednesday for a bilingual customer service job.

That's right, I am actually interviewing for a job using my major.

And I do not like it one bit.

I cannot speak French. What am I getting myself into?



:: 2009 29 March :: 12.26am

concert yay!
Nick and I are going to our first concert together in April.

I am super excited because the band we are seeing?

It is Cloud Cult.

Awesome songs? Check. Live paintings? Check. Biodiesel-powered and solar-paneled tour bus? Check. I am super pumped.

I really wanted to see them in concert because they are going on a possibly permanent hiatus after this tour. And this tour celebrates the release of their documentary.

They are coming to GRap on April 14. Nick and I are counting down the days.

2 ..... | ....


:: 2009 26 March :: 1.39am

Recent Tweets
I am only this awesome when I can't sleep and I'm watching HGTV. The past couple of days have given me some good material too.

@Laure I concur. Got cancer? Have a coke. Need a smoke? Have a coke. Your dog's sick? Have a coke. Want a coke? Have a coke!

I am thinking of running for president but I am not rich enough to pay my own food bill AND save the world.

My sister got a full ride (tuition only) to Smith College. She will hear from the rest next week. Then there will be choices.

I really feel sorry for the poor guy who had to look at reference photos and drawings to do Doctor Manhattan. That poor, poor man.

I have 4 dollars to my name right now. Payday could not come any sooner.

Unless I am retroactively getting money through some sort of time travel direct deposit but then I wouldn't only have 4 dollars.

Someone tell me why you need a chandelier in your bathroom. A chandelier ABOVE THE BATHTUB that just happens to be BY YOUR FIREPLACE.

This is all in your bathroom. The FIFTEEN HUNDRED DOLLAR FIREPLACE BY THE BATHTUB. ON THE WALL. It's not even warming the floor.

I did not catch the price on the chandelier.

Having a chandelier in your bathroom does not make it Parisian. It just makes it ugly. I am going to rate it STUPIDLY OPULENT, HGTV.

Just in case you want to see it. I did not notice how claustrophobically cluttered it was on TV.


Why would you wear a t-shirt about blaming your farts on someone else ON NATIONAL TV?

Yes, I cannot sleep.

Think of a new metaphor, onion layer people. Your house is not an onion and you are not an onion. A banana maybe. Shut up about the onions.

2 ..... | ....


:: 2009 25 March :: 1.19am

I am making a list of emergency places to live in case I don't get a job right away (which will totally NOT happen because I am totally awesome).

Our lease is up here at the end of June. If I don't get something before then, we'll be trapped in Michigan, homeless and living off only Nick's pay (because my work won't be able to keep me on after graduation and I don't want to stay there any longer than necessary).

Obviously a list is needed. Both to calm my nerves and to prepare for craziness.

I applied to a buttload of jobs earlier this week and I'm sending my transcript to one tomorrow.

Now it is just waiting and more searching.

I do not like this waiting part.



:: 2009 22 March :: 11.35pm

I graduate in 48 days, people. I want out of Michigan. I want a job/career/whatever. I need one.

One of the girls who graduated LAST YEAR just got a job. I do not want to be her. I work with a girl who graduated last year and is just hanging around at this job trying to find something. I do not want to be in that position.


9 ..... | ....


:: 2009 17 February :: 10.10am

This semester I need 11 credits. I am taking 12 to be full time. I only have one required course left. It is, of course, the one course I cannot be on time to, ever attend or do the homework for.

I am hoping I snap out of this soon. This weekend I need to finish up my incompletes from last semester so I can get out of here on time. I also need to CLEP my French credits still.

I am lazy.

3 ..... | ....


:: 2009 6 February :: 12.21am

My sister turns 18 later this month. I feel old.

We're both graduating this year. Crazy.

1 .... | ....


:: 2009 31 January :: 3.04pm
:: Mood: bitchy

Dear Life (formerly of The Cereal, now Comma My),

Thank you for the awesome birthday week. It was great to have dinner with my parents at a delicious Indian restaurant and I'm glad you let me drag Nick along while he suffered through the terminal stages of Extended Man Cold™.

I am blessed to have awesome friends that wished me a happy birthday all week long. Although work has become super lame since you decided my favorite kid needed to get fired and you brought my arch-nemesis back from Spain, it was great to have to work on my birthday and celebrate with the people I have been stuck with for the past four years. You made me look forward to graduation and leaving this town so much more!

I've got to say though, the coolest part of this birthday week has to be all the plans you decided weren't awesome enough to actually work! Instead of going ice skating with my boyfriend, you gave him a cold and death cough for a week and a half more -- just long enough for him to be whiny, unbearable and asleep by eight o'clock every night of my birthday week. It was also really nice of you to give my roommate a great car, tempt us with a Sonic located closer to us and then decide that her car needed a new alternator the day before the planned trip, trapping us at my school for an hour and a half longer than we really wanted to be there. That was great.

I have one thing to thank you for though. For my birthday weekend, I will pay rent, pay all overdue bills (most likely on my own) and get a haircut then be unable to eat or do anything for the rest of the week. Thank you so much! This is even better than the time you tempted me with seeing the friends I hadn't seen since May and then decided that all six backup plans wouldn't work. And I thought that was awesome. Oh man, I didn't even know you were going to get me a birthday present!

I guess I wanted to just say thanks. Now I know that I really should never plan anything ever again.

However, if you want to come to my graduation, I was just planning on becoming poor and homeless afterward. I don't need a new car, we only need one door to be able to open really and who doesn't love scraping off the outside and inside of the car? I also was just planning on staying in Michigan and never getting a job with my bachelor's degree. Maybe I should plan on drowning in all my debt? Alone? Because I'm planning on never being engaged or married and I never truly wanted kids.

If you want to ruin those plans, go ahead.


1 .... | ....


:: 2009 28 January :: 12.08am



4 ..... | ....


:: 2009 25 January :: 3.52am



Nick needs a paintball gun.


I do not want to spend a lot of money. He's just going to play with people at work once it warms up.

If it is ever not winter again.

Does he need protective gear? I know nothing about this...thing.


I love you kids.

7 ..... | ....


:: 2009 22 January :: 1.28am

My birthday week began today (Wednesday) and will continue through the end of the month because it's my birthday week and I say so.

I don't know if everything will go as planned but here's the outline (which will completely change now that I've said it):

Wednesday - THE BIRTHDAY
Dinner with my parents and Nick at some restaurant that I haven't chosen yet. I'm wavering between two Indian restaurants and Chinese food.

Sometime later that week
Ice skating at Patterson ice center/rink down the street. This is the ice skating rink I met Nick at. I got ice skates for Christmas and I've wanted to go back to there for a while now.

At some point Nick's family wants to get together at Jess' house but I haven't heard anything about that in a while.

Friday, Saturday or Sunday
Mini road trip to the new Sonic in Kalamazoo!

Monday or Tuesday the week after next
Logan's with roomies.

I am pumped.

P.S. Nick mentioned that when Obama leaves office we will both be 30. I mentioned that we will also be married and have one or more child. We both commenced freakouts.

6 ..... | ....


:: 2009 15 January :: 10.24pm


I don't know what to do with myself. It's like when Kurt Vonnegut died all over again.


1 .... | ....


:: 2008 31 December :: 5.28pm

Guess who didn't get to see her friends.

ME! yay.

1 .... | ....


:: 2008 21 December :: 11.46pm

I did not get to go to Lansing because my one plan and my five backup plans fell through. It was not meant to be.

I am working on Tuesday, Nick's and my parents' celebramatations on Wednesday and Thursday. Nick's parents' again on Saturday. And MAYBE meeting up with the friends I couldn't see in Lansing Saturday night.

4 ..... | ....


:: 2008 19 December :: 3.32pm

One semester left until I am thrown into the real world without guidance or a job.


In other news, I'm going to Lansing this weekend.



:: 2008 12 December :: 10.13pm

I hate Windows
Me: Hey, I wanna play this game with my 360 controller.

Windows: Oh okay.

Me: This game says it's the coolest with the controller.

Windows: Mmhmm.

Me: It says it does rumble.

Windows: Yes.

Me: So, I'm gonna plug it in...and you should...see it right?

Windows: Sure.

Me: Okay, it's there.

Windows: I'm not seeing it.

Me: Well, it's there.

Windows: Still not seeing it.

Me: Let me unplug it and I'll put it back in.

Windows: Uh no. Nothing.

Me: Um. So. Do you need a driver or something for this?

Windows: I'm not quite sure.

Me: Can you check?

Windows: No.

Me: Well, I'm going to ask Google. He always knows.

Windows: I can wait.

Me: He says you do.

Windows: Okay.

Me: I went to your website and you just wanted me to buy a controller.

Windows: Well, yeah. You need one to play the game.

Me: Yeah, well. I have one right here. Remember? It's plugged in.

Windows: Oh. Yeah. I can't see it though.

Me: Right.

Windows: Right.

Me: So, I'm going to go ask Google again. Maybe he knows a better place.

Windows: Okay.

Me: He told me to go to your website again.

Windows: Yeah, it's probably there.

Me: Well, the link they sent me to? It doesn't work.

Windows: Huh.

Me: So. I'm going to look around a little.

Windows: Okay.

Me: Why isn't it on the page with the controller? You know. Under related topics or links or whatever.

Windows: Shrug.

Me: Huh.

Windows: ...

Me: Oh well I'm going to go to this product download link.

Windows: Mmhmm.

Me: Why do you need to know what I'm downloading it for? I told you on that other page.

Windows: I forgot.

Me: ...

Windows: I can't see it. I forgot.

Me: ...

Windows: ...

Me: Okay, well it's downloading.

Windows: What?

Me: A driver or something. I don't know. It's downloading.

Windows: Okay.

Me: Why is it going to take five minutes?

Windows: I don't know.

Me: Okay.

Windows: ...

Me: Well, it's done.

Windows: Okay.

Me: So, it's installing.

Windows: Okay.

Me: You know, my OS came out after the 360.

Windows: Yeah.

Me: So why didn't you just include the driver with the OS?

Windows: I don't know.

Me: I have a lot of useless stuff from you already. Why didn't you just include it?

Windows: I don't know.

Me: Okay it's done.

Windows: Okay.

Me: Why the hell do you always want me to restart? The light is lit up. Why do I have to restart?

Windows: I don't know.

Me: Bill Gates doesn't even know why I have to restart.

Windows: Well...we don't talk anymore.

Me: Huh. Well, I'm not restarting.

Windows: Okay.

Me: I'm going to go play my game now.

Windows: We'll see...

Me: Wait.

Windows: What?

Me: Why's the program still there?

Windows: Which one?

Me: The one I installed the driver with.

Windows: I don't know.

Me: Why couldn't you just delete it after it installed?

Windows: I don't know.

Me: And what's this Windows Update thing?

Windows: Hm?

Me: You just installed the driver and already you need to fix it.

Windows: Well... This is an update just for you.

Me: You couldn't just put the latest version on your website?

Windows: No.

Me: You asked me what OS I was using.

Windows: Yes. Yes I did.

Me: So. You could have just the latest one for my OS there. On that special page. For me.

Windows: Yeah.

Me: Huh.

Windows: Yeah.

Me: You want me to restart again.

Windows: Yeah.

Me: Fine.

Windows: See you later.

Me: Whatever.

7 ..... | ....


:: 2008 9 December :: 10.40pm

All moments, past, present and future, always have existed, always will exist.

The cat is both dead and alive.

1 .... | ....


:: 2008 2 December :: 2.28am

I am very blessed. I have a boyfriend who loves me (and lets me sleep and makes me bagels with cream cheese and turkey (when I don't feel well and when he thinks it sounds disgusting)) and whom I love. I have a family that despite my coming home from a semester in Europe and immediately moving out, still loves me.

I am blessed because I had two Thanksgivings. And I will have two Christmases.

I talked to one of the new student workers today. His father lost his factory job and his mother lost her greenhouse job. Downsizing. He had Spaghetti O's for Thanksgiving. In his dorm room. He says Christmas doesn't look too great either.

I left work crying.

I've always had a Christmas. I've always had a Thanksgiving. No matter how poor my parents said they were that year. I can't imagine not having one. But this kid did. This kid will.

3 ..... | ....


:: 2008 26 November :: 10.14pm

I feel like I learn more about faith and feel better about faith in my Arabic class than I ever did in my Theology class.

In my Theology class, I was angry and upset that I was supposed to believe what he said I needed to. That I needed to obey the laws he said existed. Laws and rules I didn't think any god cared about.

In my Arabic class, I feel good about this god that I thought was mean and restrictive. I feel good about the world. Every day we have a religious discussion, even inadvertently.

I guess I'm not doing the Catholic thing anymore? I guess I haven't for a while. I like this God guy. I'm feeling things out but I'm a big fan of this non-denominational thing. I just hate religion so much. We'll see where this goes.



:: 2008 23 November :: 9.20am

tori amos
"fat slut" you said
what luck i said
to be stuck in your happy family
don't you dare, i said
judge me
you go and
stick it in somewhere
i'm sick of hearing it
go stick it in somewhere
i'm sick of hearing it

1 .... | ....


:: 2008 22 November :: 11.27pm

i'm nostalgic



:: 2008 4 November :: 11.26pm

i don't think obama will make revolutionary changes or anything, BUT the fact that he won is really exciting to me. michigan approved medicinal marijuana use, massachusetts decriminalized the possession of an ounce or less of marijuana, and colorado and south dakota rejected anti-abortion proposals! this is so encouraging to me. i hope that as older, narrow-minded generations die off and younger, better educated people put their two cents in, the U.S. will become a more just, democratic place to live.

here's to hope.

and obama, you better use your power wisely, bitch!

1 .... | ....


:: 2008 4 November :: 12.35am

Vote tomorrow, bitches.

2 ..... | .... | Random Journal