2006 22 May :: 8.45 pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: The Real Thing :Bou Bice
Tell me that it's fate drivin' me insane.
So, I really cannot get over him. I just can't. I literally cry myself to sleep a LOT thinking about him. It drives me nuts. What I like, however, is that he hasn't gotten over me yet either. He kissed me tonight. We had a serious talk, which ended in tears, then I showed him my scrapbook and pictures of us. (Amazing pictures!) Then I asked if I should do a page devoted to us or not, and he kissed me. That was his way of saying "yes" I suppose. We just laughed after that. We wrestled and laughed and talked and had the BEST time. I wish he could hold me forever. I wish he could kiss me forever. I just love the feeling being with him gives me. Yep, *sigh* I'm in love. Funny how that's not always good though, huh?
Anyway, I should jet. I just thought I'd gush about everything. But now it's sleepy shower time... and then maybe early to bed. Who knows, I could definetly use the sleep.
Anyway, I'll check ya' later loves.
2006 12 May :: 11.42 pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: 105.3 <
I would honestly love to understand myself. How can I think I love someone who treats me like shit on a regular basis. And now, suddenly he's friends with every other girl in the world. I am such the trend setter. Whoever Jacqui likes everyone else will like too. Yay! Only not. So now I feel pushed to the back burner, and at this point in my life feeling like that sucks even worse than before. I just need him to care about me, to act like I matter more than those other girls. He says I'm still his best friend. Personally, I dissagree. See I respect the feelings and opinions of my best friends, and would never do something continuously that I knew was hurting one of them. But he does it almost daily. The jerk. So why do I still think I love him? Because I'm obviously glutten for punishment. I hate that about myself. Stupid girl.
Oh yea, Phil, I'm VERY upset with you. I have to work tomorrow because you're in Washington. On the day of my mother's surprise 40th birthday party. I think this repays my previous debt. (not really, but I needed to blame this on someone.)
Any ol' how, I'll check ya'll later. Have a smashing Saturday loves.
2006 23 April :: 3.12 pm
:: Mood: drained
Boys... not men... BOYS
First JD and I weren't going to prom together, then we were, now we aren't again. I'd blame Caleb, since it was originally his fault, but now it's just JD. He's stupid. He wants to date me, and he does. But at school it's just another day. I don't like it. I want to punch it in the face.
I guess I should be use to the craziness of that boys mind by now. Seriously, he's always been this way. But I still get taken by surprise when it comes to him. Craziness.
I'm so so so tired. I slept from 9:30ish last night to 9 this morning. And yet I'm still dead tired. I hate Sundays.
I'll c ya'll tomorrow. Have a great rest of your rainy Sunday. Love ya'.
2006 17 April :: 8.09 pm
:: Mood: moody
:: Music: my mp3 player
The highlight of my day: going into work and talking to Ken for about 10 or 15 minutes. True story! How is it that he's 23? Seriously... is that even fair? He's perfect. I can talk to him about anything and everything. He's such a sweetheart, and it makes me happy just to see him. Man, remind me to die when he goes back on active duty. Because I swear if that man dies in Iraq I will cry my eyes out. He and I are actually really close. Closer than most people realize, I think. Maybe Beth sees it... but she would. She's like that, always knows. I think it's the mom in her. Anyway, I just thought I'd share.
Yea, we got mercyed... again. And I didn't play... again. This is the first year ever, and I mean EVER, that I haven't been a starter. There was one game last year when I didn't start, and that was because I missed practice for a week while in California and couldn't play. Yea, see, this is stupid. I swear it makes me worse not to play. It really really does. I dislike softball lately... it's an ego killer.
Yea, I don't know what to do. I'm so stressed lately, and it's making me really short tempered. NOT good. Honestly though, I like having JD around again. Yesterday was basically terrible, until I went to work and she didn't need me. After that I got to go to J's house and chill. He cleaned out his car and I just layed in the backseat. It was nice to just talk to him. He was one person that I needed. Plus when we were done outside we went in and watched Malibu's Most Wanted. It was funny, and it was nice to cuddle with him. I think I might just like his friendship now. I don't need to kiss him or anything, I just want him there. It's nice when he holds me and the world's suddenly all better. I'm glad that my best friend is my prom date... it's gonna' be perfect. Because he's perfect... even his faults. This is what I held on for, I'm glad I waited for him. I truly do love him.
Wow, I'm so moody today. I just went from heated to extatic in like 12 seconds. So not kidding. Wierdo. (and yes, I am talking to myself now).
Anyway, I'll check ya' later. Chao.
2 wanted to dance. |
2006 16 April :: 11.47 am
:: Mood: tired, sore, bored, blessed, and crazy
You know I'll always love you, but right now I just don't like you.
Okay new rule, if you update your journal, any journal, more than twice a day, you need to get a life. I kid you not.
So, JD and I saw Scary Movie 4 last night. Don't waste your money, there are like 2 funny parts and the rest is just stupid. But before that we went to Coldstone, his first time, it was BOMB!! He loved it too, which is good because I may have died of a heart attack if he didn't... that place is AMAZING!! Oh, and we saw Katie and Curtis at Circuit City. That was fun. I was so excited that I jumped out of the car with my shoes off to run over and hug Katie. It was funny. Then we laughed at this guy who thought he was cool in a big ol' SUV with like 20 inch rims on it. He was blasting his stereo with the windows down, all leaned back in his seat. It was pathetic. But funny.
Yea, church was WAY boring. Why is it that all ministers feel the need to tell the story of Resurection every single Easter. NEWSFLASH! Everyone already knows!! DUH, that's why we're celebrating it. Hello. Anyway, JD's family didn't come because his dad's sick and his mom said she had "too much to do before Easter lunch". So it was just Grandma, Barb and I again. As usual.
Yea, did I mention that JD and I are going to prom together. Cuz we are. And we're going to an AQ day next Friday together. And we're totally dating. Which is nice because I love him... and he's like 20 thousand times better than he was before. I love it.
So yea, I need a prom dress... but I have ZERO time to go get one, so we'll see how that works out. Hmm... whatever.
I'll see ya'll later. Happy Easter, even though Easter was originally a Saturday and this is just to satisfy all the people who love changing the Bible. Chao loves.
2 wanted to dance. |
2006 14 April :: 9.37 pm
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: my mp3 player
Play it loud...
So, JD asked me to prom. Totally official. Ariana and Caleb are going together too. So it'll be all of us in a group, probably in my car, which by the was is totally almost done! Anywho, I enjoy that I'm going with three of my best friends in the world all together. It's kinda' nice. I wish I could understand J though. He's such a psycho. Like, lets ask Jacqui to prom, tell her I love her every ten seconds, go on dates with her, kiss her, and NOT ask her out! COOL! Not. What a dummy, seriously, who does that? I don't know. All I know is that I like him a LOT so he gets a chance to be good. But this time I'm not gonna' be the doormat. This time if he breaths wrong he's out. I can't stand the bullshit anymore. I'm stressed as hell with everything else right now without having to think about his crap. So that's that. For those of you who were freakin' out about it, I'm not pulling a last time gig here. I'll fricken jam a spoon in his eye if he pulls anything as stupid as he did before... that was bull.
Yep, that's my glorious life, have a good one peeps. Love ya'. Oh, and Happy Easter if I don't talk to any of you before that. Chao loves.
2006 10 April :: 9.14 pm
:: Mood: tired
Tied up in ancient history...
I am so lost. I hate it when he does that. He wants to go to prom with me, he wants to go with me only if his friends are going so he's not just stuck with mine. We barely see our friends at dances, we're focused on eachother. Plus even if they don't go I'm having a bonfire afterword that they're more than welcome to attend. He's such an idiot. I want to know where I stand, but that seems impossible anymore. Ugh, he said he hasn't yet figured out what I am to him. We kiss and hug and hold hands... even in public... yet we're not "together". The igit.
I hate hate hate this crap. I wish I was over him, because then telling him to take a hike would be WAY easier!
2006 6 April :: 2.13 pm
:: Mood: grateful
:: Music: KISS
Ya' know, I'm really glad to be me. Seriously. I don't want to sound all conceaded or anything, but I feel bad for other people sometimes. I shouldn't whine about my life... it's great! I have parents who truly love and care about me. A sister who would give her life to see me smile and keep me safe. And I have the greatest friends imaginable. No, it's not always perfect... but it's close. People actually tell me they'd kill to have my confidence sometimes, and they think my hair is beautiful. But I never saw any of it. To me I'm shy, my hair is crappy and hard to work with, my looks are just not up to par, and my parents are too strict. It's all a lie though, and I never saw it. How could I have forgotten? I must seem like the biggest witch ever, not appreciating what I have. Well that ends now. From now on I'm loving my life, becuase it could be a LOT worse.
To my friends: I love you guys, thanks for making me happy all the time. You're all my heros.
2006 6 April :: 1.55 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Kiss XM
I'm so confused...
So, I'm completely lost. JD calls me a lot from Florida, and that makes me way happy. But I don't know what to think about it. Sometimes he says he loves me, but he never says he misses me or anything. He says he misses everyone. He only admitted to missing just me once, and that was just because he doesn't want me to hang out with Tim and some people from his church on Sunday. JD is a crazy person! He actually told me he was trying to hook up with some girls, but then ten seconds later he was like "I love you, I want to come home". Bull shit! Ugh... you cannot try to go make out with random girls that you meet in Florida and then tell your ex-girlfriend how much you love her! That does NOT work out. Stupid kid.
Okay, and on top of the JD situation there's Cory. See, I have a small crush on him... and I have for a while. But I'm afraid. I don't want to lead him on, because I still like JD a lot... and if things are gonna' work out with him than I want to stay. But Cory likes me... he's told me that and that he'd ask me out if he knew I'd say yes. And for a while I might've said yes... but when JD was informed about the situation he was really angry and sad. He said he'd been thinking about wanting to date me again and stuff. So then we dated... and I ended it, because I didn't know where he was with liking another girl. I should just end the whole thing... but I have some sort of weird force holding me here. Keeping me in the JD zone... I HATE it. This is totally not even healthy. I think I'll give him one more chance when he gets home... but if it doesn't work out maybe I'll see what's up with my other options. Because this kid needs to work stuff out for himself before he can be in a relationship with anyone at all.
1 wanted to dance. |
2006 31 March :: 8.49 pm
Every long lost dream, led me to where you are...
I miss him like crazy... and it's only been a day.
Spring break sucks... it always has... why did I think this year would be any different.
2006 30 March :: 9.30 pm
A word of advice: Don't say anything to JD about the talent show, he'll rip your fricken head off. No doubt about it.
Yea, J's gone. He left for Florida today with Caleb. I didn't really get to say good-bye... and he was in such a rush when he called me... it kinda' sucked. I don't know why I care so much. I shouldn't. I shouldn't still like him... but I can't help it. He told me to move on, then the next day was all over me (literally). I just have no clue what to do. I give up on guys all together.
So yea, the most odd part of the day had to be going back to my locker after school with Heather. Caleb kissed me on the cheek, and when I went to kiss his cheek he turned his head and we kissed on the lips. It was weird. But he just played it off like nothing and said that he'd miss me. I love that kid, but that was definetly a one time occurance... FREAKY! lol.
Anyway, hope everyone has a good spring break, I'm bored already... but that'll hopefully change. I love you guys. XOXO.
Allie and Brie, we should definetly all get together and kick his butt someday. I'll let ya' know the when and where, okay? Okay! ;) Later
2 wanted to dance. |
2006 28 March :: 6.53 pm
I want to do to you what you've done to me. Only not figuratively... literally. You are a lying, cheating, confused son of a bitch... and that's all you'll ever be. You'll amount to a pile of shit if you keep up your life this way... so go ahead, I don't care. Just know that I'm not going along for the ride. Fuck you. If you want to be the person I know you can be, then you've got my number. Until then, you can shove every flirty, whiny, pathetic word you've said to me right up your hairy ass.
Love you. *kiss*,
Jacquelyn Jean DeFouw
4 wanted to dance. |
2006 18 March :: 7.28 pm
:: Mood: crappy
I screwed everything up. I think I've caused about every problem for myself that's possible to cause. I did something stupid, then told JD about it, and now he's mad at me. He said he doesn't even want to look at me. He doesn't believe that I'm sorry, or that I love him. Even though he knows very well that I've never stopped. I don't know what to do. He refuses to see me and now he's trying to get out of going to church with me. That's all I asked for for my Birthday, from him at least. I just wanted him at church with me, that was always my favorite time to spend with him. I don't know why, we just connected more there.
I don't know what to do at all. I love him, I really really do. And now he'll barely speak to me. He figured out how stupid he'd been before. We kissed the other day and he had realized just how much he wasn't over me. And last night he punched Metzger in the stomach for saying bad stuff about me. But I messed it up. How do I always manage that anymore? Because I don't think, that's how. Ugh, I'm so stupid sometimes. I feel like such an idiot, such a jerk.
Wow, I suck. That's for sure. This time it's my turn to be the jerk I guess.
Anyway, I'm out. I'll c ya' Monday.
1 wanted to dance. |
2006 9 March :: 8.05 pm
:: Mood: crushed
What do you do?
What do you do when your still in love with your ex-boyfriend and he likes one of your best friends? What do you do when you just want them both to be happy, but to have that you'd have to suffer? What do you do when he tells you he'd date her if he could? Then what do you do when he hugs you and tells you he's so happy that you can be there for him, because he doesn't feel like he has anyone else. What do you do when every time you see him you want to cry or just kill yourself because you know you'd die to have him back now that he's changed? And what do you do when you can't do anything?
Ya' know what I do? I lay awake at night and don't eat a lot during the day. I run and workout at every oppurtunity. I work as much as possible. I stay busy, because when I'm busy I don't have time to close my eyes, or wonder how my heart could possibly still be beating. I never thought it could hurt this much to love someone. I never knew I loved him this much.
1 wanted to dance. |
2006 20 February :: 2.36 pm
:: Mood: lonely
Why do I do this to myself. I let myself get lost in him again. But just as I do that he becomes a class A jerk again. I don't like that, but I can't stop it. Somehow I feel that I need him or something. I don't, and I realize that. But I don't act on it. He does a million stupid things and I let him counter that with only one sweet thing.
I was going to give him back his ring last night, we never actually did that. But when he came over I lost it. He was being so sweet. We were acting like we did in the beginning. It was amazing. I suddenly realized why he'd been my best friend for so long. Then I told him that I'd been about to give his ring back, and he got really sad. He asked if I still wanted to. I said I really didn't know. Then he told me that he didn't really want to give mine back or take his back, but that it was really up to me. He expressed the same confusion that I've been feeling. He said that when he was with me he wanted to be my boyfriend again, but when we were apart it was nice to be free. I feel the same... but I know that I'm still in love with him. I don't think he really is still in love with me. I think he's just in love with the idea of "us". I don't know what to do. I was SO jealous last night when he and Kayla were over. Caleb was suppose to come too, but since he didn't it was just the three of us. I didn't enjoy that in the least. I love love Kayla, she's one of my best friends anymore, but JD likes her, and I hate that. My mom at one point asked if I'd just invited them over to watch them flirt. I was gonna' kill her... mostly because she asked aloud the question I'd been asking myself all night.
UGH!! What am I suppose to do? I feel helpless somehow... like no matter what I do I'm screwed. He gets all freaky and jealous when I do stuff with other guys, and he never does anything with other girls. But I hate just sitting around thinking about what was and what might've been. "What if's" should not be the focus, and I pride myself on not thinking about them... at least not a lot. So what do I do? Just sit and wait for the world to work for me? Or do something about it? The latter obviously... but how? What do I do about it? I have no idea. And he is NO help at all.
And to think Saturday would've been 11 months for us. Instead it's been a month tomorrow since we broke up. Isn't that crazy? Yea!
Okay enough babbling. Advice would definetly be appreciated though.
4 wanted to dance. |