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and this is what I call life...

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:: 2006 27 March :: 12.51 am

What I've been up to...
I'm pledging a co-ed business fraternity.
I'm tampering with being an activist.
I'm not getting paid enough.
I'm going to Rome this summer.
I'm searching for answers.
I'm trying out the marketing thing.
I'm slowly dying.

1 burn | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2005 23 December :: 2.23 am

after a semester away
Well, I'm starting to settle into my first week back from school. I've returned to Bed Bath & Beyond temporarily. Working soft lines still pretty much sucks. I've since read one book, The Giver. Right now I'm working on A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens, but it's always so hard to start. At least I can feel confident enough to read it knowing that I am semi-intelligent from my first semester grades - all As and A minuses.

One thing that cracks me up is that I like to speak french when I am drunk, and apparently I speak it pretty well. This makes it hard because now I have to decide if I want to spend 6 weeks in france this summer studying the french language, or if I want to spend 2 weeks in Rome studying business. Any thoughts?

Speaking of this summer, I need to decide what I am going to do for mullah and where I am going to live. Internship in Chicago? Bed Bath & Hell in Muskegon? Probably neither. I don't think I can find an internship too easily (one that pays anyways), and I don't think I can take an entire summer folding towels and greeting customers.

An ideal summer would be me lazying around the beach, afternoon piano lessons with jack franklin, evenings spent reading books, learning guitar, or tipping back a few with friends.

Maybe I will just move to Europe and become a male gigilo. After I tire of the loose women and the italian beaches, I will settle down in Paris to write the next great American novel, stopping in Amsterdam whenever I have "writter's block." C'est la vie.

1 burn | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2005 28 October :: 2.46 am

It's funny how one thing can change everything. Or how someone will say something in front of you that changes what you know.

It's the roommate situation. I'm living with Keith, my friend from last year. Things are great. Yeah, there are things he does that irritate me, but I'm sure there are things I do that irritate him as well. But we get along. And those are just trivial things.

Since we started living together, though, we haven't been as great of friends. At least that's what it seems like because we both kind of do our own thing most of the time.

He's become better friends with his roommate from last year, though. To be frank, the kid rubs me the wrong way. I don't know why that is, but it just is. Tonight I was playing uno with him, his girlfriend, and her roommate. He made a comment about where he was living next year, saying that he was going to live somewhere whether or not keith lived in the same building. I'm not sure what he meant by that, but I didn't ask.

I'd like to live with keith next year, especially if we can get an apartment...with an actual kitchen, living room, and separate bedroom. But I don't know if keith is making other plans to live with his former roommate or what. I don't know how to bring it up, either. He made a comment last week asking where I thought I'd live next year...kind of sounded like he already had plans.

I was considering being an RA next year because you get free room and board and then I'd basically be paying nothing, but I decided I don't want to take that avenue because I think it will distance me further from some of my friends, including keith. Plus, I want the responsibility of living in an apartment, paying rent and cooking food.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess because it's on my mind. And I don't have anyone here to tell it to.

I will say this, however. The one thing I learned is that you can't make decisions based upon other people. You have to make your own decisions for what is beneficial to you. One reason I didn't go to Rome this year was because I based that decision on other people, on friends. But now that I'm here, instead of Rome, things aren't the same anyways. All my friends are doing their own thing.

I really liked freshmen year, okay?

"If it all ended tonight...back to the good ol' days, before it won." Random song lyrics.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2005 14 October :: 1.03 am

What am I doing with my life?
This is my dream. Right now. The one that I'm living. I'm going to school in Chicago. But something's not right. It's not like I came here and was instantly happy. I'll admit, I am extremely satisfied with my decision to come here, and I am happy, most of the time. But sometimes I just question what I'm doing with my life.

Business. Is that what I'm meant to do for the rest of my life? Is it something I will enjoy? Do I have what it takes to be a leader in that realm? Who knows.

I'm also questioning my morals. Yeah, I go to church. Get slightly more out of it than I usually do at home. But I still drink. I still am curious when it comes to smoking pot (something i haven't done) and I am still looking to further my sexual experience. Is it bad that I want to have sex, even though I'm not in "love" or any form thereof? Would it be bad if I lost my virginity for the sake of losing it? Probably. But I still feel the pressure to lose it.

I'm not the person I envisioned myself being by any means. You know, when I was in grade school I used to picture myself being the all-star athlete in high school. What a joke. The picture i had for my college self was a self-assured, confident, all-around nice guy. As cheasy as it sounds, I thought I'd be someone of Character, Compassion, Committment. Maybe I am and I don't know it. But more than anything I am human.

I guess I just wanted to get some of this out of my system.

3 burns | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2005 17 September :: 2.23 am
:: Music: reel big fish 'sell out'

Why do I get so depressed when I DON'T drink???

I passed up a night of drinking with Keith (my roommate) and some of his friends. And now I feel like shit. Maybe because they're all having a jolly time and I'm not. Eh, whatever.

Tomorrow night I'm drinking. I think. And I'm telling the girl I like that I like her. I think.

Screw homework. Every once in a while I need to have some fun. I should be sleeping right now because I'm supposed to be up in 5 hours for the AIDS run, but I might go upstairs and hang out with drunken people. Maybe that will cheer me up??

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2005 3 September :: 12.50 am
:: Music: straylight run "sympathy for the martyr"

college 202
I guess things are going well. I'm taking 18 credits as follows:
1. Accounting 201
2. Business Ethics 185
3. Econ 201
4. Isom 247
5. Psychology 101
6. French 101

Oh yeah, I'm taking a 19th credit at Musk. Comm. College. It's International Human Relations with Duane Schector. I hope that class doesn't put me over the edge because it already looks like I'll be living at the library (but not as much as my roommate - he's taking ridicuously hard math classes where you have to prove all these fundamental theorems).

So this is labor day weekend. I had offers to get off campus, either go to the suburbs or up to someone's lake house. I declined, mainly because I was looking forward to a quiet, relaxing weekend of solitude. People are great, but sometimes I just want to keep to myself. I'm social when I feel like it, but a lot of the times it just takes too much effort. Great, now I sound like a freak.

I'm just doing homework this weekend, hoping to catch up/ get ahead in all my classes.

I went to student ambassador retraining today. I gotta say, it feels like I'm going to a real university. All these new buildings, crowded dining halls, events going on all the time. I couldn't ask for me. Plus, I get the privlidge of having classes at our downtown campus, so it really feels like I'm in the city. I love it.

I'm really proud to call Loyola University Chicago my school, espeically in their response to the recent hurricane which made going to school in New Orleans impossible. We're accepting 400 students from Loyola New Orleans and other jesuit universities, letting them enroll in the classes that they would've been taking (this will undoubtedly cause crowding), not worrying about how it's going to get paid for, housing them with our faculty and off-campus students (except for the 53 on campus spots we have open). It's all about answering the call. Hopefully I can volunteer to show the new students around. It must be terrible to come with nothing to a new city.

In personal news, I think I'm falling for my friend. Hard. But I already know I'm not her type. oh, the misery.

To add to what's going on in my head, things with friends are different this year. People are doing their own thing. Which I respect. But it also makes me feel that I'm not as good of friends with some people, including my friend/roommate. But you know what? He's still a good guy, and if I ever needed anything I'm sure he'd help me.

I think I am going to rush Alpha Kappa Psi, the business frat here on campus, next semester. Never thought I'd be a frat boy.

You can't count on anyone but yourself.

1 burn | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2005 18 August :: 3.35 am
:: Music: taking back sunday "great romances of the 20th century"

string theory
I've been reading Discover Magazine, where I have "discovered" that string theory is both beautiful and frightening. The basic premise of string theory says that EVERYTHING in the universe is connected through a pattern of strings. If you've seen the movie I Heart Hucklebees, you should be familiar with the blanket analogy. The idea of this is kind of comforting. If it is true, no one is ever alone. By me typing this, what kind of ripples am i making in string theory? Or what kind of affect is it having on the other dimensions? Yes, scientists believe there could be a possible 9 dimensions. Here's where the scary part comes in. To test their theories, scientists are building a Large Hadron Excellerator in Geneva (or the French-Swiss border). The Excellerator is 17 miles in diameter and it speeds up particles to 99.999% the speed of light. If they can do that, the possibilities of Star Trek must not be far off (granted, I doubt humans will ever reach the speed of light in our lifetime, but certainly in the next 500 years - even half the speed of light would make a difference in galactic space travel). But back to the Excellerator. What scientists will do is take particles, speed them up, and crash them. The result should be super particles, known as sparticles, and possibly very miniture black holes (that's not very comforting - although they say the black holes will be too small to, say, suck up the earth). This has never been achieved before. If you've read Angles & Demons by Tom Brown you should be semi-familiar with this idea. What scares me the most is that scientists are teetering right on the edge of the unkown. True, I believe science is a beneficial thing, but when do we stop? Do we stop? Or do we keep going until we have the answers to absolutely everything, including God? The Excellerator will be turned on sometime in 2007. I hope that it goes off without a hitch, but a pray to God that the men behind it know what they are doing and don't, uh, ...cause the end of the world.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2005 15 August :: 8.13 pm

I have the bad aftertaste of frozen pizza in my throat.
There are a million and one things that I want to talk about, but I have neither the time nor the words to express them. With that being said, I accompanied my mom to Hackley's Neuroscience Center today, where she got a CAT-scan, an EEG, lab work, and got to speak with a nurse and a psychiatrist. My mom suffers from undiagnosed mental illness, so hopefully this will provide the family with answers to the questions we have simply learned to live with. In truth, I don't know that it will change the way things are or even tell us what she has. I also had to answer questions from the nurse and social worker about my mom's condition. It seemed like they were under the impression that it was a memory issue, which it's not. My mom's memory is better than mine in fact. When I said it was a paranoia issue they just sort of responded: "Oh?" Nevertheless, I hope that whoever analyizes the EEG will be able to look at it and say "yes, the brain activity here indicates suspicious behaviour. She has ______. Give her _______." Of course the answers are never that certain. Or easy. Part of me is concerned for my mom's well being. I mean, what kind of life is that, if there is constantly an internal struggle going on in your head between reality and fantasy? The other part of me wants answers for my sake and for my sister's sake. What kind of lives will we lead if we "inherit" whatever it is that my mom has? I certainly would not be able to keep a job very well, which would make it hard to raise a family sucessfully. If we know what she has, we will know what to look out for, what treatments may be available. Without that, it feels kind of like a time bomb waiting to go off. I feel this pressure like I have to accomplish a lot and make my fortune before I'm 40 because after that everything is just going to go downhill. It scares me because it makes me paranoid that I'm paranoid, or have the potential to be. It's like if you're colorblind, you're not going to know you're colorblind until a doctor tells you. Of course there is a very large chance, probably about 90%, that I am a completely normal messed up human being and will contine to be so until my old, old age (no one else in my mom's family suffers from the same conditions, aside from extreme anxiety). I wish the answers to life were easier, but they're not.

In addition to all of this, I've been feeling extremely pessimistic lately, feeling pissed off and judgemental toward people I don't even know. It's terrible. That's another thing. I hide all my emotions behind this careless facade, being careful not to reveal anything. The only problem, besides the obvious bottling of emotions, is when I try to express geniune emotions of excitement, enthusiuasm, joy, they fail me. My motto lately has been "be a Christian." Somewhere along the lines I've stopped doing simple things like saying "God Bless you" and holding doors for strangers and doing random good deeds and praying. Church here is a joke for me. I get absolutely nothing out of it. Yet, I am anchored to the Catholic church because of my upbringing and associations. I won't lie: as much as I get nothing out of it, I think Catholicism is better than your religion. All of the elaborate traditions, carefully constructed prayers, and meticulous pieces of doctrine, conjoined with the empty, half-assed words said by thousands of fallen Catholics like me each week is somehow better. Yes, I do not see the logic in that either. But I shouldn't say it's Catholicism that isn't working for me as much as it is the church in Muskegon. I cannot wait to go back to Loyola and be at the very first 10:00pm student mass of the year. Even if my faith is lacking, seeing all those other young faces there is encouraging, to say the least.

As much as I want that picture perfect life with the happy ending like in the movies, this is real life. I am doomed to exist in this mediocre shell, dwelling on problems like these until I find the strength to either end it or rise up and face these and many more challenges.

Now I only have 999,999 things left to talk about.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2005 7 August :: 1.42 am
:: Music: radiohead

i feel kinda lonely, but I guess spending the entire day at home can do that to someone. I could have gone to a party at george's tonight, but I probably would have felt even lonlier there. That, and I had history homework to do. I go back to school in 16 days 12 hours and 16 minutes. I think that will help. I hope. I think I want to minor in theater. I want to do something fun. I miss you, home, sweet, home. I talked to andre tonight for the first time since he left. It sounds like he's doing well down there. I am lacking energy. I will try to go for a run tomorrow. Or a bike ride, but I got history still to do. And I want to make my dad and mom take me and my sister to see Charlie & the choc. factory on IMAX. I am going to read, eat a cookie, and go to bed..unless I find something less worthwhile. I am dyslexic, I swear. And perhaps a bad speller. With a slight degree of ADD. No, not really, but dyslexic, yes. Math = fun. Numbers = hell. Oh what a world we live in.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2005 2 August :: 5.14 pm
:: Music: radiohead

caffine and chewing gum
I know I haven't updated in a while. I've been working at Bed Bath
& Beyond all summer. I never got a second job, although I applied at a few places. My history class at community is going alright, but it will be done in 17 days and I have over 400 pages to read and 180 sentences to write for my journal. Crap.

It seems like I finally have some sweet mulah, but that will be gone shortly. Cell phone bill. Credit Card bill. Back to College stuff. Getting glasses repaired. Digital Camera. I have to take out a loan anyways, so I guess it doesn't really matter.

I'm not sure when I want to go to rome. I was going to go next summer, but now I'm not sure what I want to study. I'm a marketing/international business double major, but lately I've been thinking about pyschology, theater, and urban studies.

I go back to school in three weeks. It's nice not to have homework (with the exception of my history class) but I want to go back. My family is increasingly getting on my nerves.

Lately I've been excessively exhausted, but I'm also a night owl. It's not good because I sleep until the afternoon and then I don't get anything done. Hence the 180 sentences I have to write and 400 pages I need to read.

I went to Canada last week. Had an awesome time. The bars were pretty cool. I'm only disappointed I didn't really get to meet any locals.

I should leave for class now...when all I really want to do is sleep.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2005 23 June :: 1.23 am

Just a little update of what I'm doing with myself this summer.
For starters, I'm working at Bed Bath & Beyond. It's not the kind of job I pictured myself working, but it's a job and it pays. And it's not tough work either. Next week my summer class at MCC starts. HIST 201 for 8 hours a week for a 7.5 weeks. I hope it's not as bad as ratemyprofessor says it is. I wanted this summer to be all about learning, so in my spare time I'm reading books (so far I've read 5 and I'm working on Catcher in the Rye right now), practicing piano, learning card games/tricks, and attempting to pick up guitar, although I'm lazy and it takes a lot of paitience, which I've seemed to've lost. So far I've been to chicago once, to visit Keith, Sara, and Theresa, college pals. I want to go back once more, but Keith's gonna be gone by then. Future roommate right there. Right now my parents and sister are gone on vacation. I decided to stay here and work instead, so I have the house to myself. It's actually kinda tough to run a household, to water the lawn, feed the pets, do the it's not very fun being by myself all day. But the situation did allow me to throw a little get together at my house with a few people. I got drunk for the first time in muskegon and for the first time with some of my friends. I've seen everyone at least once, including joslyn, except for Kenesha. It's hard because she works so much. I'm feeling really lonely right now. But I'm sure that'll pass. I'm gonna hang out with Katie tomorrow. I'll be happy to see her.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2005 9 May :: 12.21 am

Finals begin in 8 hours and 9 minutes. I need to work on the whole studying thing. But, I'll be home in 6 days.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2005 4 May :: 9.09 am

Concerts in Chicago
Two weeks ago it was Guster. Last night it was Ben Folds. Both of them played at the riviera, and both were incredible shows. Guster moreso than Ben Folds, but that's only because I know more of their stuff. Tonight I may potentially go to a benefit concert, but it's $10 and I'd much rather practice piano. After last night's show, i kinda wish I was some kind of musical genious. But hey, we can't win them all.

In other news, this is the last week of classes and finals are next week. College has been a blast (at least freshmen year anyways). I'm incredibly thankful for all the really great people I've met. I hope this summer I can pick things up with my other friends where they left off. I'm not too terribly worried about it, but apparently it bothers some people.

If you know of any great jobs in muskegon, let me know. If worse comes to worse, I'll have to sacrifice my summer and work at G&L. Please don't let that happen to me. I'd much rather become a server at the egg roll house or somewhere.

So soon as I get back there will be a pants party (party in my pants) and you're invited.

Peace out.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2005 1 May :: 8.01 pm
:: Music: hot hot heat "goodnight"

we are merely freshmen...
Jill, I feel your pain. I'm stuck in a relationship where this girl likes me more than I like her. It doesn't make it better that she says she tries not to like me but can't. Last night I was planning on just hanging out on campus, playing cards or watching movies, doing some homework, but this girl talked me into going to the bar with her. There was a lot of drama involved with some of the girls, so we ended up not going. Things got pretty heated up. I feel guilty because I let things escalate when I probably should have stopped them. No, we didn't have sex, but you shouldn't do what we did when you're uncertain whether or not you like the person. In any case, we were stopped because one of our friends knocked on the door and had to talk to this girl. It was probably a good thing. We ended up going to some random party with a bunch of 20-something-year-olds. This girl was all over me at the party too. I wouldn't have such a problem about it but there's more to do that just make out all the time, not that that's what our relationship is. Plus, at a party you want to mingle and talk to people you don't know. And some girl told us to stop because "it would be more fun at your apartment." Just a nice way of saying stop the PDA you hornballs. She didn't want to stop b/c she was drunk. Ahh...I just...I can't...articulate what I am trying to say or why I feel this way or even how i feel. We talked about things, but I'll let you all in on a secret. Sometimes i tell girls what they want to hear. The majority of the time I just try to act indifferent. I think I'm going to burn myself a CD to listen to...

3 burns | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2005 28 April :: 1.20 am

school in the city
As I rode the brown line to take katie feldt back to union station today, I realized yet again the wonderful/amazing/fortunate opportunity I have of going to school in the city. Not only that, but Loyola is a great school. Yeah, I was a little jealous after walking through Northwestern's campus last weekend, but when I think about it, we have two brand new buildings, the highest application rates Loyola's seen in a long time, a great campus in the heart of downtown chicago, pretty awesome professors, and the LAKE. Katie visited yesterday, and the day could not have gone better. We saw all these famous paintings at the Art Institute, checked out some modern stuff at the Museum and Contemporary Art, had a delicious asian dinner at Big Bowl, looked out over the city from the 94th floor of the John Hancock building, ate some pretty kick-ass cheesecake at the cheesecake factory, experienced an accordian bus straight from Michigan Avenue to Loyola, and ended the night wih an hour long game of catchphrase with a group of friends and random students. I'm really glad that Katie liked all my friends and that they all liked her. I'll be glad to see all my old friends this summer, but to be honest, I'll miss all the great people I've met here. Aside from the people, Chicago is one of the greatest cities on earth. I once said that if you're bored in chicago it's your own fault. Yeah, I believe that. There's always something going on. With 3 million people, every day can turn into an adventure. I've been stuck on campus, caught up in work and worrying about grades. Hanging out with Katie made me fall in love with the city again.

Do you want to play with fire? | Random Journal