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:: 2004 8 May :: 9.57 am

45--Shine Down
Last night was SOOOOO much fun.
Jason and I became really close, we've got 2 awesome plans that are going to make us billionaires..

It was just GOOD, old fashioned, pure fun.

It was great...
we're going to have a house in Batavia, where it all started, Florida, where he was raised, Hawaii for seclusion, one in Paris, the only Non-American one we're allowed, and one in Colorado cuz the hot tubs are big.

It's going to be awesome...

I was fun.
Then we were walking to my car and i was like putting my arm by his like, to wrap mine around his, and he was like "are you trying to hold my hand?" "NOO, omg, I hate you!" and I like stopped walking and he like grabbed my was just an all around fun time. I don't know..

:) It makes me smile. It's good to know I can have that much fun without being drunk, and not a lot people I know can. Though Jas was pretty drunk..oh well...

Date with Chris today. REAL real date, movies.
I just kind of have this feeling he is going to blow me off---old time's sake..but he probably won't...
for some reason I kind of want him to, just to prove me right...
It's ok though...I just don't know where I stand with him, and I wonder if I'm wasting my time, again.
But, clearly, I have other boyz in my life...
as Jaimee said "How are things with you and that kid?" "WHICH ONE?" and then we burst out laughing ...

I worked with jaimee for an hour last time working with her, ever...
it was really sad, but we vowed to make this summer count. We had a sad discussion about fading away and growing a part...but it's good to have that out in the know that it's likely to happen, but to be able to try to prevent that as much as possible.

Umm..what else..
Oh more Jaimee quotes:
"You're juggling three guys! That's AWESOME!!!!!!!!"

"He's gay, Greg is a gay name, Greg -starts with G, Gay--starts with G, don't talk to him!"

Ted Bundy Style...

JAIMES who am I going to be able to make fun and games out of serial killers with when I'm 2 hours away!??!?!!? I MISS YOU SO MUCH ALREADYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY :(

1 Deep word | Tell me your thoughts

:: 2004 7 May :: 11.05 am

I'm about to go study for astronomy, cuz I know nothing and the exam (20 chapters) is monday..yeah, I'm screwed.

But anyways, I thought I'd update to my loyal readers, whom I love very much.

The jonny situation didn't go very well..I don't know, I thought after two years of talking, one would show a little more interest...but whatever

Greg, computer-lab greg, and I were supposed to hang out last night, but something came up and he couldn't...but it's ok, because I hung up with him and went to like 6, which was awesome.

Then my phone rang a while later, and it was Chris...we're going to Kill Bill 2, and it was his idea...haha, it was my plan to suggest that but he beat me to we're doing that on Saturday, tomorrow night...

I can't wait, our first real date in 3, I'm excited. And I'm wearing the cutest skirt I've ever seen in my life that I bought the other day...

Life is great (except school work, which is 90% of my's ok, I'll get through it!)

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:: 2004 4 May :: 11.18 am
:: Music: Clay Walker--I can't sleep

I can't sleep til I touch your face, baby not a week, I could go for days...
So, I told my mom that I didn't want to go to Oswego. She asked about the deposit(s) I've already made. She didn't really question it. It's kind of weird...I guess she's gotten used to me being impulsive...
I just told her that just to say it, I didn't really mean it. I mean, now that Chris and I are whatever, I am NOT looking forward to leaving...and I think that's an obstacle that is standing in our way...but I would Never make a decision like that based on a boy that I'm not even serious with...

But yeah, we'd never make it with the two -two and a half hour distance...

I just can't see that happening...

But we can still have fun this summer...

We got older, but we're still young.

Tell me your thoughts

:: 2004 2 May :: 8.43 am

Yesterday was Chris' birthday. I texted him on Friday and told him Happy Birthday tomorrow, because I figured it was his birthday.....and we wouldn't talk.

So, he called me later and we didn't have a chance to talk, but I was like "well, have a great birthday tomorrow!!!!!!" And he was like "thanks, but I'll talk to you tomorrow."

So, I texted him at work, to show interest. I wrote "Happy Birthday" but I needed more, so I asked Racheal what else to write and she said to write "you're hot" so I wrote "Happy Birthday, you're hot...;)

He never wrote back. He never called.
I guess it's just too damn much to type "thanks".......

I don't know
This is exactly what I didn't want, but I don't want to be the little obsessive girl who needs to know what he's doing at every second of the day...especially this early in the game...

I don't know..

I just wish he'd had as much fun as I did on Wednesday. I don't know. Maybe I bored him. Disapointed him.

I hate this.

"For a moment the whole world revolved around one boy, one girl."

1 Deep word | Tell me your thoughts

:: 2004 29 April :: 12.07 pm

I'm not gonna sleep til I touch your face,
baby not a week, I could go for days
If you ever needed to see me down on my knees, take a look at me, baby, I can't sleep

OH, I can't sleep...

So excited.

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:: 2004 28 April :: 4.52 pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: Stupid love songs

Cuz once you start to love her, you know you'll never stop.
So, date with Chris today.

First date with him in 3 years.

Can I just say, he keeps blowing my expectations? At Woody's/Ashley's party...I was hesitant to go, I thought Chris would be mean to me...I just wanted him to be civil, and he was awesome to me--and appologized for things that happened three years ago...

Then today, I don't really know what I was expecting, but after he left, I jumped up and down for a little while. I'm so happy...
It was our best date ever. He came over, we rented Kill Bill, and then went to Chinese. It was really laid back and relaxing. We were comfortable with each other...
I haven't felt that with him before. It was so nice. It felt like we've been together for a long time, and that feeling is priceless.

I'm so excited. I'm falling too fast, but at least I am enjoying the feeling while it lasts.

He said
"You still have another year before you go to Oswego, right?"
And we've talked about it before...duh...but anyways, when I told him I don't ... he got kind of sad.

Because of that...I don't want to start anything and then leave in 3 1/2 months...
I don't know.....I want to make this work in the meantime.


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:: 2004 26 April :: 8.55 pm

I had like the shittiest night Friday and the crappiest day Sunday.....

Saturday night was good, and today was WONDERFUL.

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:: 2004 24 April :: 3.03 am

There's a reason i Shoudln't drink...

Mhjhm., flaiing in theo the fire, tmaybe that's one reason...

amkeing out iwth jajlbird, maybe that's ontoether.
I hate myfself

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:: 2004 21 April :: 7.34 pm

Everyone who gave me advice was right:

People DON'T change.

Whatever, the shopping healed my heartache.
I got some reallllllly cute clothes, can't wait to go to NC. and look all cute on the beach.

Anyways, sort-of-date on Saturday, to watch the stars (AND get a much needed 20 points for astronomy) But either way, how cute is that for a kind of date...:-)

And yes, it's someone I DON'T have a past with.

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:: 2004 20 April :: 1.05 pm

Let's re-write an ending that fits.

Perfect words...imperfect situation.

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:: 2004 18 April :: 2.10 pm
:: Mood: enthralled
:: Music: Poison

I know that you'd be here right now...if I could let you know somehow.
Couple songs I wanted to post.

Tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone
The worst is over
You can have the best of me
We never grew out of this feeling that we won't give up

Here we lay again
On two seperate beds
Riding phone lines
To meet a familiar voice and
Pictures drawn from memory
We reflect on
Miscommunications and misunderstandings
And missing each other too much to have had to let go
Turn our music down
And we whisper
Say what you're thinking right now...

Jumping to conclusions
Made me fall away from you
I'm so glad that the truth,
Has brought that together
Me and you
We're sitting on the ground, (Sitting on the ground)
And we whisper (and we whisper)
Say what you're thinking out loud...

Turn our music down
And we whisper
We're sitting on the ground
And we whisper
We turn our music down
We're sitting on the ground
The next time I'm in town
We will kiss girl
We will kiss giiiiiiiirl ...

Tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone
The worst is over
You can have the best of me
We got older but we're still young
We never grew out of this feeling that we won't
Feeling that we can't
We're not ready to give up
We got older but we're still young
We never grew out of this feeling that we won't give up


When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be. Yeah
There will be an answer, let it be.

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.


I've thought, and thought, and thought, and thought some more about my...dilemmas at hand..

and I've decided, this time I'm not gonna be used, because I'm going to lay down the line...and if that sucks for you, then just walk away...yeah...I'm stronger now.

Tell me your thoughts

:: 2004 16 April :: 11.02 am
:: Music: Godspeed--...Yeah, it's on repeat...Cuz I'm obsessive

Ok, I can't take this! I can't stop thinking about him, can't wait til Wednesday to call him...
Or for him to call me, cuz we're cool little 12 year olds and put each other's numbers in our phones...


I don't wanna fall and I feel gravity kicking in already...

He better not hurt me again, for the 5043052841th time, but, I'm realllllyyyy hoping that the 3 years that have come and gone have changed...I see changes in him, but I don't know if he's still capable of hurting me....or willing to...

I don't know.

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:: 2004 16 April :: 10.41 am
:: Music: Godsend--Dixie Chicks ( I know, I know...)

Last night was nothing short of insane.

So much to take all in....

The stress is building in my stomach and I keep puking. This isn't the way it's supposed to be...Especially since I couldn't sleep last night, and I have to work 2-10...
I slept for about an hour on the couch a while ago though...

This is a good thing, so why does my body tell me other wise??

I don't even know.

But, it's so clear how much I've changed since the olden days, now that I've been reacquainted with people that I used to be around all the time in 10th grade...
I used to be all shy and quiet...and scared.
Now, I'm a sarcastic bitch...but it least it makes them laugh..

Oh well. Who knows where my life is taking me????????????

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:: 2004 13 April :: 1.19 pm
:: Music: RA-Walking and Thinking

Over the hills, it shows the angels laughing.

Lost in a series of games that seem so dark and overwhelming.

School is driving me crazy. Thank God I'm weeks away from graduating from GCC.

And yes, I'd love to take this opportunity to toot my own horn when I say

YAY I'm 18 with an associates degree!!!

By the way

I believe it's time for me to fly

yeah, so this planned parenthood lady came to teach our health class today and she made my crotch hurt...the things she said and the pictures she showed..

God damn, I'm never having sex again!

Tell me your thoughts

:: 2004 12 April :: 3.32 pm

And the story takes another twist.

I hate that it's like


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