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koalalady

:: 2017 13 November :: 11.45pm

Haunted by the following distinction: "I treat [them] like a friend, but I don't see [them] as one."

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mbenznut

:: 2017 29 October :: 4.07pm

I'm not scared. I'm rationally concerned.

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koalalady

:: 2017 14 October :: 8.18pm

Jesus Christ, this BoJack is fucking me up

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koalalady

:: 2017 29 August :: 4.01pm
:: Mood: defiant

trying to listen to my intuition
I thought that I needed to master each lesson in turn before moving on to the next. But some lessons are absorbed over time, and you can't get the full meaning just by repeating the words until they're memorized.

I admit, I confess. But I also object, and I demand redress.

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koalalady

:: 2017 15 August :: 9.12pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Explosions in the Sky

I miss working with D so fucking much.

For one thing, he was talented. Not as good as me, but he was smart, and passionate, and political, and he knew the game even better than I did. He knew what I could do, and he knew what I wanted. And for a little while, I thought I was what he wanted.

Honestly I didn't mind so much, the way that things ended in that department. But the fact that he stopped talking to me about his projects and ideas, the fact that we stopped composing and writing, that fucking killed me. I didn't care about losing a boy toy. But I really cared about losing my partner.

That's what he was to me: my creative partner. Do you know how fucking rare that is to find? Someone who likes you and shares enough of your headspace to collaborate on a project, let alone dream up a lifetime of projects?

And then he just...stopped...
...replying to emails, texts...
...and got married...


About four years ago (after we had already stopped talking, way before he got married) I was getting on a plane in the middle of some shitty weather, and I had one of those overhyped, irrational fear moments where I wondered maybe for a second if the plane might not land - that I might not come out the other side. So I pulled out my phone, literally jogging with my luggage down the terminal (because we also had like 5 minutes or something before the next plane was scheduled for takeoff), and he was the person I called with my minute to spare. Not my boyfriend, not my parents, not my best friend. I called D, and went to voicemail - and yeah, I left one of those sappy messages that's like, "... ... ..." but what could I say? I love you? I miss you? Even then, it would have been too much. So I just said something completely stupid like... "hey...I'm about to get on a plane...thinking of you..."

He told me later that he got it. But I don't know whether he "got" what I was really trying to say, behind the words, in that moment.

I never talk about him anymore, or think about him, really. But sometimes when I'm wondering why it's so hard to be creative on my own, without a structure, or a friend, I remember D. And I feel just a little bit better knowing that somewhere, a billion years ago before I got all jaded and empty, someone took my hand...and walked along with me and saw what I saw when I pointed up at the stars and said, "that looks like..." and "what if we...?"

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koalalady

:: 2017 14 August :: 11.55pm
:: Mood: pissed off

-
I am not your friend.
I'm not your lover.
I'm not your family.

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koalalady

:: 2017 10 August :: 2.26pm

We're moving out by next year. I could use a change of scene for sure. Currently fantasizing about a kitschy townhome way too close to downtown, where the leaves will turn yellow and crisp in the fall and rustle along the sidewalk in piles and tipsy tailgaters will stagger past in noisy droves en route to the football stadium, giving us something to complain about every Saturday afternoon.

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koalalady

:: 2017 5 August :: 7.11pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: Kaikoura Dub

excuse me for reading
So EXCUSE ME FOR READING at pool parties after I get exhausted from making small talk for four hours with ten strangers I don't know. EXCUSE ME for daring to crack open a book and engage my brain cells while you're jumping down waterslides - without breaking your neck by going backwards, I might add, at my advice. But sure, trash talk me behind my back, like a fucking pussy, after I fix your stupid bathing suit top and everything to keep your little titties from popping out in the middle of a conversation with your dumb jock friends. That's right, go ahead and smirk at me from far away like a little bitch while I read me some Virginia Woolf, who makes for much better company than you, you vapid attention whore.

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koalalady

:: 2017 3 August :: 9.51am

'Emily is Away'
Hey friends, koalalady has a summer games suggestion: 'Emily is Away'. It's an IM-based choices game, and if you like Woohu and have been hanging around here for a while, you might like this game. It's short and sweet, and you don't have to do anything except type. Be prepared for all the early 2000s nostalgia.

Oh, and it's free to play and works on both Mac and Windows.

xoxo, koalady

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koalalady

:: 2017 28 June :: 3.10pm
:: Music: Kygo

I used to know exactly what I needed. There was a time when I could wake up, walk outside, and feel what my body and my mind were craving. Now it's harder to tell. Now my instincts are less sure-footed.

But, in a lot of ways, I did get what I wanted. I got out of Cedar. I got to disappear. I got away from the people and the culture and the religion that I didn't really like that much. Despite my constant anxiety about being a "failure" who "everybody hates," I am a working artist. I am, quite objectively, making it.

BUT I WANT TO BE MAKING IT...MORE.

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koalalady

:: 2017 15 June :: 11.52pm

Goddamnit, the episode with Fry's mom in Futurama gets me every time. *sniff, sniff*

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koalalady

:: 2017 10 June :: 12.11pm
:: Mood: pensive

On Getting What You Want Out of Life
I have a habit of working myself all up to want something...really want something...and when I finally knock on the door of opportunity...I knock just once. Ba-dump bump, it's me, any room in the inn? and if it doesn't open, I turn away, go sit down, and remain motionless for years at a time.

I do not recommend this strategy.

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koalalady

:: 2017 8 June :: 12.31pm

"I'm not going to sit here and try to interpret the President's tweets."

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koalalady

:: 2017 25 April :: 11.14am

I need more Shakespeare in my life. Miss that quirky dude.

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koalalady

:: 2017 11 April :: 10.13am
:: Mood: relieved
:: Music: general funk

Finally.
Another door shut. Another tangent I don't have to explore. The older I get, the less pressure I feel to twist myself into all these unnatural pretzel shapes. The less I feel the need to change to fit the image I see in my head, or to meet the expectations of others. Overall it's a good thing, but at the same time I'm left with more questions: If my path isn't being defined by the authorities in my life, by the institutions that I once looked up to, then it's all up to me. And what do I want it to look like?

Do I want to get married? To be somebody's wife? Is that something I ever really wanted?

I wish now more than ever that I hadn't shut you out. You believed in me, never mocked me for what I liked. What would you have said to me when I was ten years old?

What am I doing here?

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koalalady

:: 2017 8 April :: 9.21am
:: Mood: rejuvenated
:: Music: #WDSworkshop

Jokes
How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They have a machine that does that now.

How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. The pianist can do it with her left hand.

How many lead female vocalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one: she holds it up with one hand while the world revolves around the screw base.

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koalalady

:: 2017 3 April :: 8.34am
:: Mood: giddy
:: Music: Moby

Did my taxes yesterday, all by myself (S helped a little when I broke down in tears of frustration doing the Ohio IT BUS form). Overpaid by about a grand and a half. I'm so relieved.

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koalalady

:: 2017 27 March :: 5.41pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: Enigma

Considering getting into oil painting...but I definitely need to do my taxes first.

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koalalady

:: 2017 17 March :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: grateful
:: Music: Deux Arabesques (I), Debussy

Changes
Today was really, really good. The whole week was, actually. I'm working in the studio now - I had a student today. I feel bad that I haven't practiced much in my Gershwin. BUT, I have been drilling my shit. Had to double-check stuff like augmented chords and melodic minors scale fingerings. It's been good refreshing my own memory as I'm starting to tread those old neuropathways again.

Teaching is interesting. I never thought I would like it, but it's actually been pretty cool so far. The studio is a really positive environment and there's a lot of talent in the community to build upon. Like, I can actually say I have a career in music now. Working artist, I can live with that.

It feels sudden and new, like we just moved here all over again. I can't wait for spring to turn into summer, when we can open up the doors again and have breakfast on the balcony. Not that I can't go out there without perpetually being afraid of the bees. But still. I have regained sureness that I did the right thing. It's a good feeling, knowing you were right all along about following your own advice. Ha...if you're as into mental masturbation as I am, apparently.

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koalalady

:: 2017 22 February :: 9.47pm
:: Music: Mad Men

Finally.
Fuck me. Life is AWESOME again!!! Woohoo!!!!

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koalalady

:: 2017 21 February :: 10.36pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: beach house mix tape

Aaaand just like that, I have a new part-time job playing music every week. My piano teacher also invited me to apply to actually teach lessons (!!!) at the studio because they are opening up a second location! Sooo today I redid my resume and submitted for that as well. What an awesome week. PLUS I randomly got a bonus last week at my actual job for doing some extra work on a project, so that's cool.

Yeah. Damn. Can't believe how high things are actually looking up.

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koalalady

:: 2017 16 February :: 11.11pm
:: Mood: full
:: Music: Liz Vice

Make a wish.
I feel so incredibly lucky and loved right now. I get to fall asleep tonight next to the love of my life, and I have felt so loved and supported lately in our relationship that I know I made the right decision to try and stick it out since last May. We been through some trials this year fo' sho. But right now, I am going to rest in the love that is there, protecting us and keeping me safe and warm. I deserve to feel the love right now.

I had an audition tonight with a group that's been together for about five years. Seriously one of the most solid groups of adult musicians I've ever played with. Some actual professionals in the bunch, everyone talented and rock solid in their roles. And I fit so, so well with these people: the style and range, skill levels, personalities--tonight was a lot of fun, not something I normally expect at this type of thing. Director is going to call me to work out payment and logistics stuff this week. So we'll see what happens there.

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koalalady

:: 2017 6 February :: 1.45pm
:: Mood: judgy ;(

Parenting(?)
Sitting in the Biggby on 10 Mile watching this woman totally ignore her daughter for the past hour and a half. Just sitting on her phone, not even looking up when her daughter talks to her, stomps her feet, climbs all over the furniture in the coffee shop. I watched this kid try to eat tin foil and her mom is completely glued to her phone.

Just my opinion...but if you don't pay attention to your kids, you probably shouldn't have them.

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koalalady

:: 2017 31 January :: 7.13am

Some more insights
1. I actually pretty much like doing everything, and I am one of those people who always finds a way to be happy in any given circumstance. So I think sometimes we need to find a balance between really wanting and letting ourselves work toward something specific out of life, and also being able to roll with the punches and find another way when it doesn't work out.
2. Accepting your desire for something to be different AND the fact that things are not that way is the first step toward realizing you can change.
3. It doesn't matter what you feel like doing; do what your highest self wants you to do. That's the only thing that matters if you do it or not.

. . . . .

4. I am still an artist, and I don't need to be super socially connected and publicly engaged for that to be true.
5. I am way more relaxed when I practice mindfulness.
6. I need to pay more attention to my negative self-talk.

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koalalady

:: 2017 27 January :: 2.15pm
:: Music: Cigarettes After Sex

Some Insights
1. Nothing says I actually need to pretend like I know what someone's talking about, if I don't. I ought to stop agreeing that I know what something is if I've never heard of it. They can explain it; I can learn something.
2. I am not going to magically start caring about something. Instead of being numb and waiting for something that grabs my passion, I should just put effort into something that sounds fun and enjoyable, that I already kind of like. Because just kind of liking something is enough to be happy.
3. "We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present." ~Marianne Williamson

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koalalady

:: 2017 26 January :: 2.51pm

I don't know what I want, either. Sometimes it feels so simple, and sometimes it's confusing and hard. Probably would be better if I read more books. Books have answers, you know.

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koalalady

:: 2017 24 January :: 10.27am

Sometimes. I really miss. You. So much.

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koalalady

:: 2017 18 January :: 10.01am
:: Mood: jubilant
:: Music: Moby

I'M NOT PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

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koalalady

:: 2017 12 January :: 9.47pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: none.

On Optimism.
So, let's see. If I were to try being optimistic (instead of pessimistic, like I usually am), I would trust that everything is going to work out fine. I will not eventually be unloved. It would be OK for me to change my mind all the time and not have to worry about everything crashing down around my ears. It would be OK for me to trust people. It would be OK for me to trust myself.

I would be able to let this go. I would finally accept the fact that the past is in the past, and doesn't really need to affect me that much in the now. I can be good at that again. I am already accepting that peace more deeply, every time I remind myself what is and what is not my problem, my mistake, my sin (as it were).

It's all so complicated at times. But the past couple of months have honestly been better. The holidays really helped; getting to see my good family and friends. Getting a chance to travel and clear my head a bit. Doing stuff on my own and giving S the room to do the same has been good. Being more honest and open about what I'm feeling, when I'm feeling it, has been good. I haven't een letting things fest as much. Really grieving out loud and in person with our people was a helpful outlet too.

Next: I've got to work on my self-esteem. Having a bit of structure is nice, but I don't need to keep flogging myself needlessly. Staying in the present with some loose but clear goals has been good. Mostly music stuff, some of it personal. I think a good idea might be for me to call my therapist tomorrow and set up an appointment for next week. I tend to feel much more gloomy in the winter (thanks, SADD), and S suggested the wise idea of sticking with it through the winter months at least and then reassessing when spring comes (because we actually do get a spring season here, point for fucking Ohio; sorry, Michigan) since my shitty insurance won't cover the full year.

So that's what I'm up to now. Gershwin, maybe some Bach, and self-esteem/confidence.

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koalalady

:: 2017 11 January :: 4.27pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Last Week Tonight

Home.
Making breadsticks + spaghetti for dinner, having a beer + some ginger candy while I do it. I love my rainy city. S worked from home today and we always have a v. good time together. Feeling v. happy and content.

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