So, let's see. If I were to try being optimistic (instead of pessimistic, like I usually am), I would trust that everything is going to work out fine. I will not eventually be unloved. It would be OK for me to change my mind all the time and not have to worry about everything crashing down around my ears. It would be OK for me to trust people. It would be OK for me to trust myself.
I would be able to let this go. I would finally accept the fact that the past is in the past, and doesn't really need to affect me that much in the now. I can be good at that again. I am already accepting that peace more deeply, every time I remind myself what is and what is not my problem, my mistake, my sin (as it were).
It's all so complicated at times. But the past couple of months have honestly been better. The holidays really helped; getting to see my good family and friends. Getting a chance to travel and clear my head a bit. Doing stuff on my own and giving S the room to do the same has been good. Being more honest and open about what I'm feeling, when I'm feeling it, has been good. I haven't een letting things fest as much. Really grieving out loud and in person with our people was a helpful outlet too.
Next: I've got to work on my self-esteem. Having a bit of structure is nice, but I don't need to keep flogging myself needlessly. Staying in the present with some loose but clear goals has been good. Mostly music stuff, some of it personal. I think a good idea might be for me to call my therapist tomorrow and set up an appointment for next week. I tend to feel much more gloomy in the winter (thanks, SADD), and S suggested the wise idea of sticking with it through the winter months at least and then reassessing when spring comes (because we actually do get a spring season here, point for fucking Ohio; sorry, Michigan) since my shitty insurance won't cover the full year.
So that's what I'm up to now. Gershwin, maybe some Bach, and self-esteem/confidence.
2017 11 January :: 4.27pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Last Week Tonight
Making breadsticks + spaghetti for dinner, having a beer + some ginger candy while I do it. I love my rainy city. S worked from home today and we always have a v. good time together. Feeling v. happy and content.
2017 7 January :: 8.59pm
:: Music: Harry Potter & the Sorcerer's Stone
It's cold here, but I love this city. I fell in love the moment we came here apartment-hunting, and I've only grown more enamored the more time I've spent here exploring, seeing, living. Like, I actually LIVE here. It's a dream come true in itself, a dream I never knew I had.
Thursday night was a bit rocky. Y made a reference to S being stoned years ago - haha, what a joke - a time I never knew about, an example he could never give me. I stormed out of the house in tears and K consoled me at the beach. His fault, entirely; the wound gashed open by an unwitting comment. Nonetheless. We had a talk the next day. I still have no idea how to tell whether he is sober or not. Still have no idea how it really affects me, if he were to relapse.
Fuck. I don't even know what to do with 2016. I still have no sense of direction, no clear convictions. But I think I might be ready to leave the church. Y was right - S will wait for me, whatever I decide I want to do. We already have got the kids discussion settled. I just have no fucking clue. D said on New Year's, having so many talents and so many possibilities is really a curse. Maybe I should do the thing. Join the P site. Jesus. Anything would be better than what this last year has been.
I thought my 20's was supposed to be the fun and easy part?!?!?!?!
2016 29 December :: 4.03pm
:: Mood: high
:: Music: Utada Hikaru
simple and clean
Yesterday was probably as perfect as it gets.
Woke up to a warm breeze flowing through the apartment. 7:45am, I head out to the balcony, pull up a table and chair and my jug of water, start working. Easy stuff, stuff I like. I even get to call a couple of customers. Everything finishes nicely in about three hours when the boys are back from their morning workout. We all go do yoga at the beach, the sunshine pouring down. I do better at some tricky poses than I have in a long time, actually. When I feel all nice and stretched out, I climb into the hammock and wait for S to finish up. Close my eyes to the water and rest. I am so content.
We decide to rent the kayaks. They have two kayaks, one paddle, and one regular oar. I get the paddle to start because I'm the girl and I set off into the water. We couldn't have asked for better weather. I see turtles bobbing up as I swish past them, ducks floating serenely on the other side of the fountain. I stretch my legs out long and keep my back straight, concentrate on keeping good form as I plunge one side of the paddle into the water, then push forward and catch the momentum I'm creating with my other side. I pretend my chest is the fulcrum of a mighty rowing machine, falling into a strong, steady rhythm. Over the water. I decide to paddle all the way around the lake. There are some fancy houses along the northwestern side, so I went and peeked in on the backyards. I paddled so close the dogs started barking when I got to the next bank. I kept going along the edge. I decided to cut through the middle and circle back to the fountain. The wind started picking up, and I had to go straight into the wind to get back to home shore. I kept my body strong. I told myself, "I could do this for real." It felt so amazing to get out and do something like this. I made it back to the shore in no time, and I felt great about what I had done.
Y and I sat in the chairs on the sand. Everything was funny. We couldn't stop laughing. We drank grapefruit juice and found shapes in the clouds while S went back out on the water, this time with the paddle.
That was probably the most safe and alive I've felt all year. Those moments.
Spending Christmas in Raleigh with G and R, then heading down to Orlando/Fort Myers until after the New Year.
I am going to stay. I am going to trust. I've spent enough time worrying, figuring things out. I don't regret any of it. Not one minute. If I could do it all over again, I would do it all the exact same way. Mistakes included. My destiny, my choice.
2016 5 November :: 12.49am
:: Mood: whoa, dude...
:: Music: the wallflowers
since last we met
yo. i'm still here.
I suppose a lot has happened in 2016 up to this point, and I should probably catch you up.
I didn't wind up getting that house. I did wind up getting out of my parents' basement. I was very fortunate to find an awesome roommate on craigslist. She owns her own home, and I rent the back bedroom. The price is right. We have fun. We eat food and watch tv and shit. I got super lucky to find this place, and appreciate that I get to live here. I didn't realize how much it bothered me living at dad's until I got out and felt this immense weight lifted off of my chest. That's not to say it's always sunshine and rainbows and shit here... but it's a lot better. I'm much more relaxed. More comfortable being myself. It took a few months being here to allow myself to ease into it. It's a good fit, for right now. It won't be forever, but it's nice to not be in a hurry to go anywhere. And she's not in a hurry to get me out of here, which is also nice.
I'm still single. Cold and alone, forever probably maybe. I still vascillate rapidly between deeply longing to be in a relationship and realizing that bachelorhood and freedom is actually pretty fucking rad. I mostly just want something warm to cuddle with. Maybe I should get a dog. I did do the 20-10-5 thing.
*spends half an hour looking for it*
... and now I can't remember what I did with it. I may have thrown it out. the big takeaway I can recall from it is that I'm shallower than I'd like to believe. I wanted to think that a sense of humor or intellectual stimulation would be the most important - and they were important, they definitely made the list of 20 (it was actually really hard to think of 20 things without being redundant) - but if you boil it down ... i have to be attracted to the person physically. have to. don't much care if anyone else thinks they're hot, but I damn well better think so. Otherwise there's no point to the rest of it. I wanted to think that I'm above all that physical superficiality, but apparently i'm not.
i have a "new" (year-old) lunchbag. it is gigantic and awesome. kathy got it for me. after all that bitching i did about her, she buys the best gifts. and i am an asshole. but the zipper works great
I still don't eat very healthy or exercise much. however i recently quit smoking tobacco. it's only been 11 days, so it's still a little premature to call it quits for good, officially, but this is the longest stretch of time i've gone without nicotine in my bloodstream in 10 years. it's kind of a big deal.
also, i bought myself a drum set:
I've been banging on that thing quite a bit lately.
like - all the freaking time. which is awesome.
i also built a drum. it's purdy:
It's at dad's house. I gave it to him because i wasn't crazy about how it sounded, and he didn't have a wood snare. he likes it, so i'm glad it worked out and found a good home. i probably would've warmed up to it over time. it didn't sound bad ... just not how i expected/hoped.
prior to that, i built a bookshelf and a nightstand for my bedroom. they turned out well. oak plywood is fucking expensive as balls. but it looks nice, and is rock solid. glued and screwed together. sanded and polyurethaned. should last a good long while. not perfect, but suitable for my needs.
I did wind up getting that 'promotion' at work. so now i have my own office, a company phone, and a slight (very slight) pay increase. it's a lot more responsibility - i'm running quality control for our entire plant - but it's not terrible all the time. i show up, do stuff, go home, and at the end of the week they deposit money in my bank account. it's a thing.
the basement audio lab has been put on hiatus for the time being. the other guys got busy with life and work and stuff and were unable to commit the time and energy they felt was necessary to continue the project. i can respect that they didn't want to half-ass it. and if things slow down, we'll pick it back up again.
in the meantime, i'm starting on a new project with different people. we will see what happens, but at least i'm still playing. there wasn't even that much down time, and i didn't have to go out looking for something, it came to me. so hopefully that's an indication that i'm supposed to be doing it. we don't have anything online yet.
Here's where the basement audio lab left off, if you'd like to hear what things sounded like right before we hit pause:
Something is always going to be "wrong." Life is never going to be perfect, and it's certainly not going to be the perfect vision you see in your head. Like trying to find the Pleiades in the night sky. It gets blurred and faded when you look at it straight on, but you can see them more clearly in peripheral vision. Same with getting what you want, attaining the object of passion.
This is not the end of us, not yet. I will stay for another year, and just let the good things that are happening, happen.
And if I do need to leave, like go exploring or disappear or blow everything up again, he supports this. Like really actually fucking wants me to do what is best for me. Even if that's leaving (hopefully not permanently...I don't need to be totally untethered. Just enough to figure shit out on my own and be my own person.).
You'll never know how perfect it is until you see it from the outside.
2016 5 July :: 8.41am
:: Mood: rejuvenated
:: Music: Vallis Alps
back in black
We traveled home from NC all day yesterday. Made it home safely; it was something like a 10-hour drive, and thankfully we didn't hit much holiday traffic and managed to outride the storms in WV.
I love my city. Sitting on the balcony last night, I could see six or seven different fireworks sets going on all around, one that was pretty close to our building. I always wanted to live in a place with a view for stuff like that. I never dreamed I'd end up here, but like I said...the perspective is good. And I'm so lucky to have S, who supports literally everything I do or want to try. In fact, just leaving everything, all of this, would be more all-or-nothing thinking...it is possible to have your cake and eat it too in this 21st century world. And I'm giving myself permission to just live, damnit.
I used to think that I needed to play my cards just right in order to get what I wanted. Like you only get one deal, and that's it. And yeah, I took a small buyout. Mitigating my chances. I'm not a gambler, and I don't like to play hardball.
"If you don't like what they're saying, change the conversation."
And now I'm ready to try again. Let's give this another go.
2016 3 July :: 2.13pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: The Magnetic Fields
A breath of clarity
People will treat you the way you expect to be treated. If you want to change the way the world looks at you, start from the inside and work your way out.
So change is good, but I've been taking change in giant leaps...trying to make my goals too big, make big changes all at once...basically doing the very things that I advocate are harmful to others from a social change standpoint. I actually feel pretty relieved about this...I'm not a total failure, I'm just an overachiever at heart. Undoing perfectionism is real, challenging work.
So, my plan when I get back home to Columbus:
1) Get new glasses
2) Purge all my unneeded/unwanted shit
3) Redesign my bedroom
Life is too short to keep carrying things that are too heavy for me, or that I don't want hanging around anymore. I'm already OK with all of this.
Do you ever fuck up, in the midst of someone else's fuck-up, and their fuck-up is bigger than yours, but you still fucked up, so it's like, 'Fuck, do I still get to be upset about the original fuck-up? Or did I just fuck everything up irrevocably, even though the other fuck-up was bigger?'
Today marks one month since the accident. I am finally feeling relief after going to the chiropractor. I am still recovering though. Occasionally I have brain fog, or things get fuzzy and I have a hard time focusing. Everyday I am even more grateful that my baby was unharmed in the accident. Last week was the first time that she had even asked questions about the accident. I knew it was going to happen, and I didn't press her after the accident because I was waiting for her to be ready. After the accident she asked what happened one time. And it was literally the first thing out of her mouth after we stopped. From that point on, all she would say was "I hate that lady's car for hitting us. She's a bad driver. I hate her driving". I would always reassure her that the only thing that mattered was that we were okay. I have been trying hard to not harbor anger over the whole ordeal. I am pissed that she wrecked my car. I am pissed that I am still recovering. But the fact that even after all that, my child is okay, makes me not want to hang onto those feelings of anger or hatred. Reagan could have been killed, or severely injured. She could have had cuts ALL over her body from all the glass. She could have been covered in glass, but for some reason she wasn't.