Thank you for destroying me.


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Love me or leave me

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:: 2012 13 February :: 3.24 pm

yeah, so i love how I am a "bad person" because i don't go to work when i am sick. I mean honestly, if you don't have a job don't criticize me for taking a day off at mine just because you are pissed that I have a job and hate it, while everyone else you know calls to bitch because they can't get a job. I'm not bitching and whose business is it aside from me and my boss if I don't go to work.
Get real.

Open your eyes

:: 2011 21 December :: 9.02 pm

i don't really understand how people can be so malicious.

Open your eyes

:: 2011 17 November :: 3.34 pm

what do you do when neither leaving or staying are the answer? I feel pushed into a corner and my friends and family are having to tell me they can't keep hearing the same thing but I don't have the answer to change it.

I feel lost.

Open your eyes

:: 2011 25 September :: 6.34 pm

sometimes people really irritate me. scratch that. my friends really irritate me. you try to do something to make sure they get what the want and they just get all pissy about it. so stupid.

Open your eyes

:: 2011 4 August :: 11.34 am
:: Music: Foster the People- Pumped up Kicks

Granted I am not a parent but i am pretty well fed up with watching others have constant issues with their kids and when it's just me and the kids there aren't problems.

Currently, mike has his work partner and her husband and 2 toddlers in our 1 bedroom. For starts... not fucking cool. For seconds... get the fuck out of my apartment with your screaming brats for the day. Pretty sure I said clear as day to get the hell out of here today because i can't fucking deal with it.... so why the fuck are you making them nap an hour and a half or 2 hours after they woke up?

I'm fed up with others. I need solace and confinement with the only noise being the noise I put on via music -- IF I want it. I have freelance work to do and I keep finding myself pulled into watching/ helping with the kids.
Please just go away.

----- edit-----
Apparently I scared the crap out of the dad because now (at 1:11 pm) they are going to the beach- finally. And he keeps trying to make the kids be quiet because I am blaring music and have not had anything to do with them all day.

who says flipping out doesn't work. At least I've finally been able to do some work.

--double edit---
what kind of 26/ 27 yr old goes and tattles to his younger wife that i told him to get out of the apartment for the day? "talks" tonight supposedly... but i think there are some freeloaders who need to buck up and live in the real world.

Open your eyes

:: 2011 2 August :: 10.42 am

why do i find myself never able to trust?

Open your eyes

:: 2011 1 August :: 2.04 pm

Sometimes it feels as though my emotions are cyclic. The same pings and pangs to my emotions with a different day, different person.... but really it's all the same.

I'm bored with life, and now when i am wanting to do something for myself I am stuck. It did a lot of good to make car payments for the last 5 years just to have the car want to blow up now. with 5 payments left. In fact if it weren't for the money we have sank into it I would just tell the bank to take the damn car, but alas november it will be paid off and perhaps then we can fix it. but it doesn't do me a shred of good now.

As far as design goes, i am doing some freelance, and having some possible good things appear to be happening. I'm excited and scared all at once. All I can hope is that things will work out.

Open your eyes

:: 2011 9 June :: 7.44 pm
:: Music: Eisley- Smarter

dreaming with a broken heart
sometimes i wonder if i am always going to feel empty inside. I wonder if too much honesty is a bad thing. I wonder if i will ever find my inner peace. its all wondering, constant searching and contemplating and i feel as though I am just parading around like one of those poor horses at the fair- wandering in this dismal circle of sadness for the rest of my life.
Is it because I have too much empathy, compassion, hope for mankind, hope for myself?
Sometimes I can feel things that aren't there and I wonder if it is some invisible being trying to comfort me... a stroke of a finger down my cheek-- an embrace that couldn't be possible-- nothing makes sense.

how do you fight to hold on to something that was only an illusion to start? how do you believe in yourself when all the confidence you ever had walked out so long ago that you can't be sure you ever had it?
I just wish I could find happy... but it's always been such a fleeting idea. I've spent so long having to hide myself to make everyone else happy that somedays I wake up and I don't even know who the person is that is looking back at me.

Then again...
maybe I just have to face the facts, I never did heal oh so long ago and perhaps ever since childhood I have just been destined to be damaged goods. world you truly are a cruel, hateful place. we were never meant to be with each other-- you with your malice and me with my heart on my sleeve. and though i try so very hard my poor heart just wants love that for all i know will never be there, after all it rarely had been up until now.
oh bollox. i might as well just give up.

Open your eyes

:: 2011 27 May :: 10.08 am

apparently i'm a horrible person. and today I'm okay with that.

Open your eyes

:: 2011 23 May :: 10.55 am

It's been awhile and it seems I have missed much commotion on the woohu. One semester left, but a whole load of bills that is making it impossible to register/ put down a deposit/ ect.
I pretty much am just here in Kenowhere.

I wish that things would perk up in MI so I could go home and work at the jewelry store...

Open your eyes

:: 2011 24 March :: 8.56 am

life is making me not happy.
and yes, i have friends that are getting just as much crap life and more than me, but i feel like I am at the breaking point.

Maybe I've never been that strong... or maybe it just isn't worth it anymore.

Open your eyes

:: 2011 8 February :: 10.58 am
:: Music: Presidents of the USA- lump

I am starting to think in a year from now I might not have any option but divorce.
I won't go into right now, because I have too much to do, but I sincerely am starting to just not give a damn about him.
Maybe I should have had the song as Elton John The Bitch is Back.

Also, I am seriously thinking about only writing my statuses as lines from songs from here on out. I feel like my emotions are starting to refreeze. Lord save us If I am returning to be the bitch I was in HS.

1 find grace | Open your eyes

:: 2011 4 February :: 5.34 pm

lets fucking bitch me out for everything i say and do.

Open your eyes

:: 2011 3 February :: 5.08 pm

i have zero motivation for life. my plants are all dying because there is no sun, my husband has no problem acting like i am being neurotic because he isn't returning my calls and I really could care less about school right now.
I am so sick of having to just drop money that isn't here and buy totally random shit for class that I will never use again.

I ought to get a job, but right now I am feeling so down on myself that it is pretty much impossible to "sell" myself to even get an f-ing job. I feel like my whole life I have just slipped between the cracks because I was never worth noticing and what the hell can i even do to change it? It all seems pretty lame if you ask me. I need motivation... something. give me one damn thing to look forward to please. I can't even turn up the music and rock out because I can't get new music. everything is just dumbed down, built up crap anymore. ugh.
wish i could go by some damn motivation... or something of the like.

Open your eyes

:: 2011 15 January :: 10.14 am
:: Music: The Hamster Dance

Wow, I have seriously tried to give my hair volume for like half an hour and the only difference is the way my hair is laying... no height at all.

Interestingly enough I forgot some of the wacky music I have. Thank God for sounds to jam with.

In other news, I am in Green Bay this weekend. I forgot how much I love staying in Hotels. Going to hang out with my old roomie today, maybe tour Lambeau field... Adventures ahead!

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