Comet!

It makes your teeth turn green. Comet! It tastes like gasoline. Comet! It makes you vomit! So try some Comet, and stop up your motherfucking bath tub today!

So that's not how the song ends. Whatever... it still stops up the fucking bath tub. Well, maybe it wouldn't if my grandma didn't go apeshit crazy with it. We're not talking like... "hey, this'll clean the tub" crazy. We're talking... "PREPARE TO PAY FOR YOUR SINS, TUB! MAY YOUR PORCELAIN BE BURNED CLEAN! PRAY, TUB, PRAY! SCREAM OUT TO BE SAVED BY YOUR GOD! SCREAM! MOAN IN PAIN!" crazy. Like, close enough to an entire can of this crap that she gets one use per can. We're talking the big cans.

So, what does using a can of a non water-soluable powder in a tub lead to? That's right, a tub that doesn't fucking drain at fucking all. I wake up this morning, and it's just sitting there in the tub, the sea-green puddle, the cleanliness crusader. I pull the plug out of the drain, and then wait about 10 minutes while slowly but surely the water drains... but the Comet remains. I turn on the water, and try to wash the remaining powder down the drain. Now, repeat the previous two sentences about five times. I've gotten skin burns on my feet from this shit before. Fuck that. Alright, now that it's all gone, I get in the shower. Doot doot doo.

Uh oh. The tub is stopped up. Again. Just like every other time she's made a feeble attempt at cleaning the tub. What's this lead to? There's always the plunger, but that rarely actually works. Then, there's this stuff we get from Sherman's, "Clobber." So, what smells like sulfur, reacts to water, will give you a nasty fucking chemical burn, and is obviously the best choice for cleaning drains? This stuff! It says to pour about two or three ounces down the drain, and to just wait. We've learned from the past though. Two or three ounces? More like about two fluid cups. Of sulfuric acid. In a tub drain.

"It's Clobbering time, drain clog!" I think. Oh, but how wrong I am. How wrong I am. I pour it down the drain, and it A.) Smells like the stinkiest crap you've ever taken, B.) Smokes a little. That's right. Fuckin' smokes. Might just be water evaporating, or something. Not a whole lot, in any case, and C.) Makes this odd sizzling sound as this brown liquid I just poured in the drain backs up into the tub. That's mostly because it hit the water trapped in the drain, but it's still nasty. What now? Now it flows back into the drain, and comes back up again. This time it's jet fucking black like crude oil, but there isn't but so much of it. Well, now it flows into the drain for the last time. I'm supposed to wait about 2 hours before pouring water down the drain... fuck that. Water on. Paint off.

The drain sizzles and gurgles, but I don't give a shit. It's not like it's going to come exploding our of there anyway. Sizzle, gurgle, sizzle... at least the drain works again. However, This stuff has this odd tendency to... eat through things. That's because it's acid and that's what it does. We've used it three times, and it's left its mark. Where there used to be pearly white enamel, now there's big black spots. I should've taken before and after pictures, because it really looks kinda shitty.

Goddamn...

PIGEON! It's not enough that it's like... the ugliest fucking bird known to man, it has to eat all the bird food (which I don't really give a shit about...) and crap all over the walk right infront of the damn door. And the best thing - it's really, really tame. It won't fly away from you if you walk towards it... it just sorta scuffles away. It's like the bird is saying "Fuck you! Come on! Bring it! HA! You just stepped in my shit!"

I think it even sleeps in the tree outside. Now, this wouldn't be so bad, but you've got to understand... my grandparents... they're insane. Like, here's an example. There used to be these starlings in the trees outside. They're kinda loud, and kinda ugly looking, and my grandparents get pretty bored sometimes. How do you get an obnoxious bird out of a tree? You take a small aluminum (perhaps it's steel) baking pan, and you bang it against a concrete walk for fucking hours. Oh, and you scream "SHOO! SHOO!" at them. Well, I don't... but they sure as hell do. Yeah, the neighbors love it.

Anyhow - this thing eats all the bird food. What's this lead to? Every time the thing is outside, my grandma calls me from the kitchen... "JEEEESSSSEEEEEE! THE PIGEON IS BACK!" You'd think it's the end of the world. You'd think it was the chupacabra, come to suck your goat. You'd think that bastard had laser eyes. But it isn't, it wasn't, and it doesn't. Granted, it is sorta fun trying to hit a pigeon with ice cubes. I figure I'll eventually hit in the head and knock it out. Oh the fun I'll have.

As I sat here...

...at roughly 3:15 A.M. this morning, talking to Ben, we somehow came across the subject of contraceptives. Well, Ben said something about how if a condom broke and the girl got pregnant (thankfully... guys can't get pregnant... Me: 1 | Most everyone else: 0 ... guess that depends on how you look at it) he'd at least want to be able to get along with them.

This brought up an interesting thought though. What about Revenge Condoms!? It's genius! Sheer GOLD! Not liking that special person so much anymore? Just whip on one of my patented ConDAMNs! and watch your problems... er... their... yeah... melt away! Coated with your choice of chili powder, cinnamon, cinnamon altoids, or jalapeno! Only on the surface that will be contacting their... surface... of course.

Amazing...

World Beard and Moustache Championships

The guy second from the right on the bottom, and the guy third from the right on the bottom are hot.

Now, let's see that done with pubic hair!

Oh it's a beautiful morning.

It feels good having told everyone I think needed to know. Everyone I consider a good friend knows, and it feels incredibly good. It may have taken me oh, 9 years? 10 years? to come this far, but it was worth every moment. I wouldn't change a thing, and I'm exstatic that everyone has taken it as well as they have. It means more to me than you know.