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[slightly obsessive]

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:: 2018 21 March :: 9.51pm

love is this thing I've been chasing ever since my childhood. I keep putting my heart into people, imagining that one of them will put me as number one, put me on a pedestal and let me still be independent.

I have been asking for space, but also suffocating attention. My childhood was taken from me, and my emotions are all fucked up. But I finally had this moment of clarity...

Maybe my second relationship would have worked out if I had just stayed in college. If I had valued that stupid worthless piece of paper over my dillusional image of what love is.

Love isn't noble or pure, just or heavenly. I haven't really believed in it for a long time, but it's still something I crave. I my relationship I can feel the same feelings that love is in my heart, and I suppose it is still love... My mind just warps it into this cynical and painful experience where nothing is ever good enough.

I'm never good enough
They never read my mind well enough
I cant even read my mind well enough to know what I need or want

I just want to feel important to you. But first I need to feel important to myself.



:: 2018 21 March :: 9.03pm

Ate two medicated cookies before my drive home from work,they hit me maybe half an hour after I got home, I fell into a hole.

Edibles are always too much for me. I don't know why, maybe I just underestimate their power... Maybe they just hate me.

Maybe I just got some that were really strong, the distillate didn't blend into the icing well so it turned out really random, some are weak and some will make you get lost in a hole!



:: 2018 19 March :: 10.00pm

soon my work raise will hit

If they offer OT I'm taking it as much as that place removes my soul and consumes it while I watch in terror I really need to get serious about making some cash




:: 2018 16 March :: 10.12pm

If I ever start balding I'm going to shave my head and have a giant eyeball tattooed on the back of my head and make it so it follows you everywhere you go

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:: 2018 13 March :: 9.58am

Sometimes I will sit at my desk at work and look at my waterfall background and pretend the white noise machine is the creek with the waterfall rushing through the wet Pacific rainforest


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