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:: 2004 19 May :: 5.26pm

I'm very sick. I think I have brochitis (spelling?) I cant breathe very well, my lungs feel like theyre filled with something, my nose is really runny and my throat is sore, I'm constantly coughing, I cant sleep and when I do sleep I wake up after a few hours in a cold sweat. I have a mild temperature. If things don't get better I'll be going to the hospital, each day I've been getting worse, today I stayed home from school but I wont be able to miss anymore becuase I've missed to many days, I have to go to school next week I have finals and I cant miss that. =( I cant wait until school is over I cant stand it anymore.

2 handed me a rope | help me


:: 2004 17 May :: 7.25pm
:: Mood: Whatever...

Dude 8 more days until school is over, Score! Friday night me Lex and Momo went and saw Van Helsing, kick ass movie! I loved the lil baby vampires, and how they all exploded...I want one and I'll name it Ernie =D I wish the chick didn't die though, I wanted her and Helsing to fuck that would have been one kick ass sex scene! Things have been interesting lately...with people and stuff. I guess cheerleading try-outs were held and what not so the lil bimbos of the school were walking arund with their cheer shirts...jesus christ. I SHOULD BE A CHEERLEADER! HOW FUCKING HILLARIOUS WOULD THAT BE! Oh my...that would be so funny...just seing me up their with my black makeup and shit being a cheerleader it would be so funny. =) I had a lot to say but I forgot it all, goddamnit...I'll write later.

help me


:: 2004 14 May :: 6.53pm
:: Mood: stressed

Friday is here yay...I am waiting for Monica and Alexis to call me back cuze were suppose to be going to Desert Ridge in a few hours. I had a lot to say but I dunno what it was...heres a few really good songs, they kinda express how I am feeling so I guess thats good enough for now, thank you for the comment Steph, we need to hang out sometime soon..

The Fire Still Burns
by Cradle of Filth

You thought it was gone
But the fire goes on
And I thought you knew me
I told you before
'Til I settle the score
That I'll never run free
I have enough pain and anger in my brain
To last many lifetimes
Yet still it goes on, and the more that it shows
I won't have a peace of mind

The fire, the fire still burns

I have a dream
And as strange as it seems
There's no embers glowing
The fire's gone out and theres no need to shout
'Cause no anger's showing
But it's not true, nothing I ever do
Seems to ease my fury
Get out of my way
I'm the hangman today
And the judge and the jury

The fire, the fire still burns

Emotion No. 13
by Suicidal Tendencies

I wish so hard that I could be just like the
...one you want me to
But it doesn't seem to work though I'm trying.
I try so hard to do what's right, to be so good,
...to make you proud, but it never seems to satisfy you.
It's just the person that you want,...it's not the person that
I am.
The conflict inside's horrifying.
I want so much for you to think of me as a person
...that deserves your respect & attention.
I wonder if I'll ever do the things you want...(the way you
When I don't even know what I want yet.
It's not that I'm rebelling against the person you are
It's just that I don't know who I am.
All I know is it hurts, oh how it hurts
Oh God, do you know how I'm hurting?
There's an emotion in me. There's an emotion in me
Emotion No. 13

Look into my eyes, you'll see I'm not lying.
Emotion No. 13 easy cryin'
Don't ask me how I know, but I'm dying

Emotion No. 13 blows my mind away
Emotion No. 13, it blows me away

Look into my eyes, you'll see I'm not...
Emotion No. 13, says I'm...
Don't ask me how I know, but I think I'm...
Don't ask me how I know, but I think I'm dying,...dying, dy-
ing, dying

All I know is it hurts, oh how it hurts
Oh God do you know how I'm hurting?
There's an emotion in me, there's an emotion in me
Emotion No. 13

Look into my eyes, you'll see I'm not lying
Emotion No. 13, feels like I'm dying

by Suicidal Tendencies

[Mike Muir/Mayorga]

So you're gonna be institutionalized
You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes
You won't have any say
They'll brainwash you until you see their way

They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect from the enemy myself

They give you a white shirt with long sleeves
Tied around your back, you're treated like thieves
Drug you up because they're lazy
It's too much work to help a crazy


They say they're gonna fix my brain
Alleviate my suffering and my pain
But by the time they fix my head
Mentally I'll be dead

Love Vs Loneliness
by Suicidal Tendencies

How can you love someone
If you think that you're no one
When you mistreat yourself,
and think it's all you deserve
Cause it's so hard to care
Is this or is it loneliness?

How can you demand respect - when you have no respect?
When you abuse your body, never mind your mind
And you're your own worst victim
There'll be no love just loneliness

Why do you force a smile - when you know all the while
That you're burning inside, but don't want no one to know
The hell that you're in
As love turns to loneliness

How can you sleep at night?
When you know it's not alright
When you wake up in the morning, nothin' has changed
If you do nothin' about it
Love becomes loneliness
Love vs loneliness, love vs loneliness

And when you're down and you think you need something
The temptations so hard to resist
But what you grab sure ain't what you needed
That's not love it's loneliness
And when you're lonely and think you need someone
The plot a painful twist
There ain't no one that can make you feel like someone
Only you can cure loneliness

How can you be confident when you're all wrong with it
When you know what you're doing and you're doing it wrong
It's no misunderstanding
This ain't love this is loneliness
How can you love someone - if you think that you're no one?

help me


:: 2004 12 May :: 10.14pm
:: Mood: unemotional
:: Music: Cradle of Filth-Born in a Burial Gown

Dude wtf no one comments anymore...anyways...gettin closer to school being over, I'm countin down the days. Alota ppl were pissing me off today I dunno...I'm fed up with everyones attitude and problems, I have enough of my own at the moment and lil stupid unneed problems some of my friends bring to my attention dont help...a lota ppl were being really mean today too, even though I did jack shit.

-Although it may be hard to do, you need to forget the one who forgot you-

1 handed me a rope | help me


:: 2004 9 May :: 10.23am

As I was sufering the web for gothic sites I came across this essay which in my opinion is very good, if you have time to read it I recommend you do...

Goth is an alternative lifestyle or subculture; the main attractions are its music and literature, of which both offer dark eerie lyrics and morals. Goth offers unique Art, Literature and music. Common associations with Goth are dark or extreme makeup designs, Black clothing, Piercings and tattoos as well as Celtic jewellery and bondage items. There is a strong connection with the medieval and Victorian history in which many Goths wear symbols such as the Christian cross or pagan/satanic pentacle.
The term Goth comes from the German tribe “Visigoth” They were named as a “Barbaric” tribe and as “Vandals” This name was then given to the uprising subculture in which its members were also described as “Barbaric”. Goth then arose in its world of ere and mystery. Modern Goth has evolved from the punk scene. Many Goth bands such as Joy Division and UK decay were once punk bands. The term Goth or gothic was beginning to be used around 1982 when Goth became its own sub culture.
Many early Goth bands deprived from punk. Many early Goth bands such as the banshees could be considered punk, with their influenced roots spreading as far back to David Bowie and The underground. The term Goth wasn’t used but many bands were referred to as “gothic” music was as early as 1979. The post-punk scene had many bands one in particular Adam and the Ants who at the time had a very strong resemblance to the early Goth scene. Sex Gang Children and Southern Death Cult WERE positive punk, they were the leaders of the positive punk scene and used the term Goth for their fans and members of an emerging subculture.
The first and early Goth bands were not as you would expect, they were very punky and lively and sometimes referred to as “positive punk”. The first sign of Goth bands were Bauhaus, The Banshees and Uk decay. The manager of Joy Division once referred to them as “gothic” compared to the modern day mainstream bands, however Ian Curtis had committed suicide in 1980, and the Goth scene didn’t start to arise until 1981/1982 by this time Ian Curtis was dead. The Bauhaus had an impact on the early Goth fashion; Siouxsie and the banshees had a great influence to many up coming Goth bands and for many female singers. However it was UK Decay who used the term “gothic” to describe the early movement. New Romantic was misunderstood and considered part of the Goth subculture. New Romantic WAS not part of the early Goth subculture, new romantic was a club-manufactured scene where Goth was more of an Underground scene. A popular new romantic band at that time were The Cure, The cure were working around the new romantic scene with their dark lyrics and music which fitted both the new romantic and Goth scene, It was their image which fitted and so became members of the Goth scene.
There are MANY different types of Goth in the world; all individuals but often fall into a main Goth “sub categories”
There are many Goths no matter what “Sub category” they fall under all have things in common. Many Goths are into Literature side of things reading books by authors such as Anne Rice and Neil Gaiman, Just remember this does not occur for all Goths it is one of my own personal observations and questioning of Goths that has led me to that conclusion.
The Romantic Goth is the first type of Goth I will “analyse”. Romantic Goths are pretty self-explanatory, their attitude is based upon Love and lifestyle around the Victorian period, and their dress sense may involve lace and frills.
The Fetish Goth is also a modern-day common Goth. The fetish Goths are as you may of guessed into the “Spanking and Sex” scene, They may take part in activities involving bondage whips and chains, although not all do it may just be for a modern dress sense revolving around PVC, Fishnets and leather.
The Vampire type Goth may or may not fall into the Goth category, I decided to add it as I stumbled across the phrases many times and being an alternative subculture it seems appropriate. The vampire scene links in with the Goth scene through the dress and romantic sense, the image of a vampire has changed of many years and today appears to be eternal, dark, sexy and romantic. This may or may not tie in with “the romantic Goth”. A vampire Goth may dress similar to a romantic Goth with lace and frills or “jet set” with a pair of dark shades. There is a line drawn with vampire Goths, Many are interested in the myth and lifestyle, They may dress up in a top hat and opera cape but there are other people who believe in the myth and go a step to far, such as Matthew Hardman who killed 90 year old neighbour Mabel Leyshon in what is thought to be a bid by Matthew Hardman to become a vampire, Another Vampire related killing is that committed by the couple Manuela and Daniel Ruda, They hacked a fried to death in what is believe to be a Vampire/Satanist related murder in which they wanted to prove themselves to Satan
The Pagan Goth has a great interest in the Celtic roots. Pagans may have many different beliefs and different gods, so im led to believe, Pagans may have a lot of Celtic jewellery and often wear symbols of an inverted pentacle. The modern day Goth shall be covered later on in the essay.
“It's about as impossible to define gothic fashion, as it is to define gothic itself” The gothic fashion or look has many different styles, many again individual. Depending on everyone’s individuality and style their Goth dress sense maybe a plain black shirt and jeans or something more extreme such as bondage gear and extreme hairstyles. Today’s “modern” Goth look may consist of dark clothing, usually Dr martins or new rock boots and a trench coat. Some Goths prefer to wear makeup to further their dress sense; it’s all up to ones individuality. From an observation of some photos I have it is clear there are several common Goth dress styles. The modern one has been covered black boots, black jeans; black t-shirt and a trench coat. The next common style is the Victorian style; the Victorian style is very unique and often consists of a long black material coat and usually a frilly sort of shirt, other items maybe of velvet or satin nature and common colours such as purple maybe worn. There are lots of accessories worn by Goths; most jewellery may be silver, Crucifixes may also be worn as may an inverted crucifix, this may not intentionally be blasphemous but more of a fashion statement. Rings maybe of a Celtic nature and contain engravings of pentacles or crucifixes, More extreme rings, known as “claws” may cover the whole finger or even two! Makeup is also commonly used as an accessory, Many Goths appear to be pale, some natural but many use white foundation to try and gain a natural looking pale look (Although for many they fail and look like they’re melting). Eyeliner and eye shadow may also be used as might black lipstick, Some Goths may have patterns around their eye which look pretty, other common features are inverted crosses drawn on the face usually form the corner of the eye or centre of the forehead.
Goth music is not just any one style of music; it consists of an eerie atmosphere with a sense of doom, mystery love and tragedy. The main Goth bands are that of joy division, Bauhaus, Siouxsie and the Banshees Sisters of Mercy and The Cure. Although it’s been stated joy Division were around before the Goth scene emerged many Goths still listen to them. The sisters of Mercy who have not been covered were not important in the early Goth scene; they later came into the Goth scene due to their individuality and difference from the early Goth bands. Many of the mentioned bands were not highly influential and considered Goth at the time due to their appearance and difference between the then modern day bands. It is the Bauhaus however who are one band that are considered Goth due to their music, looks, lyrics and art. The Bauhaus also were part of the early Goth scene. Had major influence on up coming Goth bands and Goth fashion. There are also Goths who like the more classical music such as Vivaldi and Pax Hominibus. There are many other different styles, which Goths listen to such as Industrial (Skinny Puppy), Dark Wave (Diary of dreams), Death rock (Christian Death) and Synth pop (Switchblade Symphony). There are Goths who also listen to new romantic (Depeche Mode, Duran Duran), although its ties with Goth have been covered. Black metal like New romantic had close ties with Goth, Bands such as Cradle Of filth have the Goth/vampire image but appear rejected by many Goths into the scene.
Religion ties in with Goth one way or another, a common misjudgement is the association with Goth and Satan, and Satan is not always and hardly ever is connected to Goth. The following passage is taken from a religion website: Many Goths reflect popular culture and are probably nominal or devout Christians. Atheism, Agnosticism, the New Age, Gnosticism, Shamanism, Wicca, other Neopagan traditions, and other minority faith groups are represented more frequently than in the general population. Goths often wear Christian crosses or Christian crucifixes, which many regard as a pre-Christian religious symbol. Others wear New Age/ancient Egyptian Ankh symbols. Some do this as expression of their religious beliefs, some for satire, and others because they like their appearance. Religion is frequently discussed on the Goth newsgroups. Many songs, band names and album titles have Christian themes. 6 The public incorrectly commonly associates Goths with Marilyn Manson. 10 "Manson publicly presents himself as a follower of the Church of Satan... He was ordained a priest in the Church of Satan by the [late] founder, Anton LaVey. Many fans refer to him as the Rev. Marilyn Manson." 9 (Actually, Manson is not a follower of that Church; he was simply appointed as a Reverend within the Church by its founder, Anton LaVey.) From this satanic connection, the perception has grown that Goths are frequently linked to Satanism. There are a few Satanists who are also Goths, but they are rare.
Modern-day Goths are very unique. What I write about the modern day Goth does not apply for all Goths, again it’s just a matter of opinion. It would be wrong in saying that modern day Goths are “social outcasts” of any sort, Wrong because today’s Goth culture is strong but not as popular as the 1980s. Wherever you go especially in my local area every other person you see has made his/her attempt to be apart of the rock scene, this may be by wearing a “korn” t-shirt or a pair of baggy jeans, entirely up to the individual. Yet the Goth scene is a little different, there are people who have made an effort to try and have their own “Goth dress sense” but unlike listening to numetal their understanding of the Goth subculture and its roots are ignored. Where I hang out there are, well at my last point of acknowledgement a group of people who have a Goth dress sense, by some people they are classed as Goths. Why? To me today’s meaning and value of Goth has “deteriated” to say the least where the word Goth is just threw at anyone wearing black. If there’s one message I would like to get across to people is you cant label anyone a Goth, 1, before you know them and 2, because they wear black. Being Goth is not about painting your face white and rubbing lipstick all over your eyes, then going out to scare people. Goth is a subculture, which has survived over the last 20 or so years, but survived into what? A lot of people may not agree with me on this and will argue this point (id gladly like to hear your point) but todays so called Goths aren’t Goths at all, the term Goth is widely overused and threw at people, such as those “Goths” with no interest in the Goth history, no respect yet any knowledge of the early Goth bands. I apologise for all those who fall into this category and disagree with me, you argue to your blue in the face, but I and I know of many others who will agree with me that calling yourself a Goth today is not about listening to Slipknot, Marilyn Manson or Cradle Of Filth, Its not about painting your face white and scaring your mom and dad, its not about rebellion Goth IS A SUBCULTURE, for me to be a part of this subculture you need to understand this subculture, its history and its true original morals and meanings. To get back to those who are a part of this subculture the modern Goth is very much misunderstood, there are very few people in my local area who actually understand the true meaning of Goth and think cradle of filth are an original Goth band! In my own opinion a modern day may wear a trench coat and paint his/her face white, all that aside having a great understanding and knowledge in the Goth history is what makes a Goth a Goth.

help me


:: 2004 6 May :: 9.15pm
:: Mood: exhausted

Really tired and sick, been a rough week...11 more school days and it'll be over and done with for a few months. Tired of everything. So much drama, I'm gonna get a fuckin ulser lol (spelling?)
Now that I have my computer I have been catchin up with old friends, I've missed all my friends from NC
And everyone else from other schools too =(
I've felt really lonely lately I dunno why, I miss everyone...Jon is moving so I'm really sad about that, I'm gonna miss him. A lot of people are leaving....

help me


:: 2004 4 May :: 8.48pm

Heres a picture of me, not a good one but it will do.

1 handed me a rope | help me


:: 2004 4 May :: 6.15pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Alicia Keys - If I Ain't Got You

School really needs to end. I’m miserable and everyone else I know is miserable too. I’m so fucking sick of grades and teachers and the people, I’m sick of having to deal with it every single day, I can’t even enjoy the weekends because I’m to stressed out or tired. It seems to me that everyone else is suffering as well, everyone else meaning my friends. Other people, the kind of people who have money and designer clothes and what seems to be easy, smooth going lives, don’t seem to be bothered by school or life. Their biggest problems are trying to fit manicures and mall days into their oh so busy schedules, or at least that’s how it comes off to be. When I listen to these kind of people talk in my classes its all the same, “oh my god, and like he was so hot and like we went to the mall and like he asked for my number and now were going on a date oh my god” or “I hate my mom I only got $60 for cleaning some of the house this weekend, I was expecting more” something along the lines of that. It always the same, these people don’t have problems, their life is just lovely, Daddy makes money and Mommy takes them shopping. If it seems like I am stereotyping people I don’t care because this is truly what they are like, the girls are all the same, with their Hollister skirts and Abercrombie and Fitch top and $200 Coach purses and cell phone and lip gloss, with their Ken doll boyfriends. Its fucking ridiculous, why is it that people who don’t even deserve it, have good lives, and the people who deserve good lives, have shitty ones. See, when the rich snobs are out to an expensive dinner with their parents on a Saturday night, some people get the shit beaten out of them by their parents. When Mommy takes the snobs out to buy a new spring wardrobe, other people cant even buy a new pair of shoes because their father spent all the families money on booze. It also pisses me off how materialistic some people are, in my classes some of these chicks just sit their and screw around with their cell phones, they claim if anything were to happen to their cell phones “they would just die” which to me is retarted, hell I don’t even own a cell phone and you don’t see me having a panic attack for god sakes. If any of you people don’t believe me that people can be like this, think again because everything I wrote up there is all based on people I know. You people think I am stereotyping people, well people need to stop stereotyping me, at least I have my facts correct. Fuckers.

help me


:: 2004 22 April :: 8.28pm
:: Mood: melancholy

001.What is your full name? Ashley Marie Everts
002. Spell your name backwards: streve eiram yelhsa 003. Date of birth: July 14, 1989 004. Male or female? Female
005. Astrological sign: Cancer 006. Nicknames: Ash, Ashes, Ashy, Kiwi, Shorty
007. Occupation?: Shcool
008. Height: 5'1ish
009. Weight: 118
010. Hair color: Blonde with various shades or brown
011. Eye color: Aqua
012. Where were you born? Palm Springs, California
013. Where do you reside now? Glendale, Arizona
014. Age: 14
015. Screen names: FireHotBlondy and my new one
016. E-mail address: xfirehotblondyx@yahoo.com
017. What does your screen name stand for? well the FirehotBlondy one is cuze I like fire, fire is hot, and I am blonde, my new one means what it is
018. What is your JOURNAL name? Dark Dreams and Cryptik Wishes 019. What does your diary name stand for? Its pretty self explainitory
020. Pets: 3 dogs 2 birds
021. Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake? I dont remeber
022. Piercings? 2 023. Tattoo's? I wish
024. Shoe size? 7-8
025. Righty or lefty? Righty
026. Wearing: my big comfy warm robe
027. Hearing: music and tv 028. Feeling: melancholy, emotionless
029. Eating/drinking: just got done with some ice cream and I'm now drinking diet pepsi

~Friends Stuff~
Which one of your friends is the....

030. Craziest? Depends 031. Loudest? Leesha 032. Nicest? They're my friends... what do you expect?
033. Bitchiest? Depends
034. Life of the party? Depends
035. Jock? haha jock thats funny
036. Prep? Stephanie that was not nice! I am not that preppy anymore u mean person!
037. Rebel? ???
038. Cutest? Hmm...
039. Best friend of the same sex? You people know who you are
040. Best friend of the opposite sex?: Sam
041. Most popular? They're my friends...
042. Rudest? Depeds
043. Most shy? Depends
044. Dumbest? Me?
045. Smartest? I dont know
046. Weirdest? Again.. they're my friends.
047. Has the best hair? No one I can think of, they all like my hair
048. Best personality? ...i dont know
049. Most talented? talented at what? 050. Most ghetto? hhmmm
051. Most spoiled? ???
052. Drama queen? No comment 053. Pain in the ass? They all have their moments when I wanna back hand them upside the head, but I love them
054. Funniest? They all have their own warped sense of humor, probly Alexis becuase me and her are very nasty when we talk toegther
055. Best advice giver? Depends on the advice I need
056. Druggie? ..................
057. Most likely to join a cult? Stephanie
058. Have you lost touch with a good friend recently? Yeah
059. Person you've been friends with the longest? Alexis, going on 11 years
060. How many friends do you have on your buddy list? 110, and yes I knwo all of them

~Family Stuff~
104. How many siblings do you have? 1
105. What are your parents names? Tom and Debra
106. What are your siblings names? Emily 107. How many siblings does your mother have? 3 others besides her
108. How many siblings does your father have? 4 otheres besdies him 109. Where are your parents from? father-Wisconsin mother-East cost, the south, west cost
110. Is your family close? closer than most.
111. Does your family get together for holidays? Sometimes
112. Do you have a drunk uncle? haha no not really that would be cool though 113. Any medical problems run through your family? Anyother kind of addiction there is, BiPolarnes. Manic Deppression, Alcholism, ADHD
114. Does someone in your family wear a toupee? a wha? 115. Do you have any nieces or nephews? No
116. Are your parents divorced? No
117. Do you have step parents? No
118. Has your family ever disowned another member of your family? No
119. If so for what?
120. Did some of your family come from another country? We all never orginated from America, no one did, but if you are asking me if i have relatives in other countries at this moment that is a no

~Music Stuff~
121. What song do you swear was written about you or your life? To many to name
122. What's the most embarrassing cd you own? Lol why would I even admit to that one.
123. What's the best cd you own? I dont know.
124. What song do you absolutely hate? hhmmm
125. Do you sing in the shower? not lately cant rmeber the last time i did 126. What song reminds you of that special someone? ..........................................

152. Color: Black
153. Food: Ice Cream and sushi haha
154. Song: To many
155. Show: I dont watch TV much, but I like Will & Grace =)
156. School subject: Art
157. Band/singer: ???
158. Animal: I likie most animals
159. Outfit: Anything tight, sexy, and black
160. Radio 97.9, 103.9
161. Movie: Girl, Interrupted
162. Pair of shoes: I like my black boots, even though they kill my feet
163. Cartoon: ...??
164. Actor: Adam Sandler
165. Actress: Angalina Jolie all the way baby
166. Potato chip: Bar Be Que
167. Drink: Diet Pepsi, lemonade, and most alcholic beverages.
168. Alchoholic drink: Hard lemonade, Red wine, beer but none of that light crap, anything with vodka, margaritas
169. Holiday: Prolly my b-day or Christmas.
170. Perfume/cologne: Eau d' Amouage from the Amouage collection, and lots of Victoria Secrt perfumes, like from the Angel Collection
171. Pizza topping: Pepporoni lol
172. Jello flavor: I dont like jello much
173. Lunch meat: Turkey.
174. Board game: ???
175. Video game: I dont play them much
176. Website: Darkness.com and Woohu.com
177. Book: I dont like to read much but I like almost all of Jane Austins work and other classic writers
178. Computer game: ...i dont play those either.
179. Number: ?
180. Cereal: dont eat cereal
181. Comedian: Adam Sandler =D
182. Dessert: Ice cream, anything chocloate really 183. Disney character: When I was lil I was in love with The Lion King
184. Clothing store: ???
185. Pastime: Horseback Riding, but I haven;t done that in a year *sigh* and I use to do art and I am startig to get back into it now 186. Teacher: ..I dont know.
187. Childhood toy: ???
188. Carnival game/ride: ???
189. Candy bar: 3Musketeers or Twix or Butterfiner or Milky Way
190. Magazine: Cosmo etc
191. Salad dressing: Ranch
192. Things to do on weekend: Sit around on my comp/phone/go out with friends
193. Hot drink: Coffee
194. Season: sPRING/sUMMER
195. Sport to watch: I love baseball, hockey is fun to watch to though and equestrian shit
196. Person to talk to online: It doesnt matter

~Your Bedroom/Sleeping Habits~
197. What color are your sheets? Black Satin
198. What color are your bedroom walls? Ivory 199. Do you have posters on your wall? No I have a painting of Tiger though
200. If so of what? ...
201. Do you have a tv in your bedroom? yep
202. How many pillows are on your bed? 4. but I shall be getting more to make my bed pretty
203. What do you normally sleep in? Thong
204. Describe your favorite pair of pajamas: Thong, and if I have to get up a big shirt or my robe
205. What size bed do you have? Full =( I use to have my queen but stephy got it *tear*
206. Do you have a waterbed/bunkbed/daybed? No.
207. Do you have your own phone line in your bedroom? no but hopefully soon
208. Do you listen to music while trying to fall asleep? ya
209. Describe the last nightmare you had: No comment,
210. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? no
211. How many people can comfortably sleep in your bed? i dunno, I haven;t ever slept in my own bed yet, since we got it
212. Do you sleep in any unusual positions? well, it depends
213. Do you have to share your bedroom with a sibling? Nope.
214. Do you snore? when I am that tired
215. How about drool? lol no
216. Do you have an alarm clock in your room? no
217. What color is the carpet in your room? tanish
218. What's under your bed? Nothing....
219. Coke/Pepsi: pEPSI 220. Doughnuts/bagels: Doughnuts!
221. Day/night: Night.
222. Wicked witch of the east/wicked witch of the west: Niether.. ???
223. Heaven/hell: I have a choice?
224. Make love/have sex: Both!
225. Coffee/tea: coffee
226. Hamburgers/hotdogs: Hamburgers!!!
227. Rap/rock: Rock..
228. Britney/Christina: Christina
229. Swiss cheese/american cheese: American.
230. Real World/Road Rules: neither, both those shows annoy me, when I was in Hawaii for a month that was like the only on, so I watched it a lot, probly soem of the stupiest shit I've ever seen 231. Backstreet Boys/*Nsync: Neither
232. Silver/gold: Silver.
233. Nike/Adidas: neither?
234. McDonalds/Taco Bell: Taco Bell!
235. Sweet/sour: Both.
236. Punk/emo: Theyre both okay
237. Hot/cold: depends
238. Winter/summer: summer
239. Spring/fall: ???
240. Operas/plays: ???
241. Read/watch tv: ??? 242. Cd's/tapes: cds.
243. Dvd's/vhs: whatever it is that we have the movie on at the time
244. Old/new: I'm getting tired....of this.
245. Shorts/skirts: skirts
246. Pink/red: red, i disgust pink
247. Colored pictures/black and white photos: Depends on the picture.
248. Meat/vegetables: Both.
249. Mexican food/chinese food: :( dont make me choose.
250. Commercials/infomercials: infomercials, they amuse me
251. Scary movies/comedies: comedies
252. Bikinis/one piece bathing suits: bikins
253. Sandals/tennis shoes: Sandal.
254. Dogs/cats: Dogs
255. Unicorns/fairies: Faeries.
256. Water/land: depends 257. Sugar/spice: ???
258. Black/white: I like both
259. Ribbons/bows: Ugh.
260. Chicken/beef: both.
261. Colored christmas lights/regular white christmas lights: Both.
262. Cars/trucks: TRUCKS BABY
263. Austin Powers/James Bond: Austin is somewhat ammusing
264. Popcorn/pretzels: ???
265. Hip/hop: -shrugs-
266. Passionate kiss/peck: both
267. WWE wrestling/ real wrestling: lol??
268. Back rub/foot massage: Back rub
269. Picture frames/photo albums: ???
270. Pens/pencils: pens

~What Is Your Opinion Of The Following~
271. Eminem: hhmm
272. Virgins: Woo? i dont care
273. God: hes there but the bible is bullshit
274. The Osbournes: lol.
275. Reality TV: I think ppl are getting a lil to carried away with it, thats like the only thing ever on now
276. J.Lo: Pretty.
277. Religion: bullshit.
278. Emo music: eh.
279. Valentine's Day: It's depressing.
280. Christina Aguilera's comeback: ???
281. Homosexuals: I dont care, w/e makes ya happy
282. Abortion: I am pro abortion, get over it 283. Inter-racial relationships: whtever makes ya happy
284. Murder: ugh... i dont know
285. Death: I wanna die, but I wanna live my life and make it worth something, instead of killing myself and throwing it away, I wanna try to make it into something good
286. Obesity: eat and be merry
287. Pre-marital sex: I don't mind
288. Terrorism: It's stupid, fuck off and leave us alone
289. Pornography: If its aginst ur will or like lil kids then ewwies but if its anything else, woot woot
290. Fortune tellers: fake
291. Threesomes: ... over rated what is it with guys, concentrate on one chick and make it good
292. Prostitution: helll do whut ya want u worthless whorse 293. Politics: ...not my thing
294. Country music: Ok...
295. George W. Bush: hes okay
296. Cloning: theres enough morons on theis planet why would we wanna make more
297. Britney's boobs: MY ARE BETTER!!!! and real
298. Gas prices in America: What can ya do

~Name Game~ What Do You Think Of When You Hear These Common Names?...
299. Jack: Off.
300. Tiffany: ugly red head with huge hips that dont fit into her pants
301. Ben: ???
302. Maria: bitch
303. Jennifer: meth
304. Nicole: -Bitch.
305. Amy: STDs
306. Adam: Sandler
307. Richard: Nixon
308. Justin: Timberlake, ew
309. Arnold: Buff Austrian
310. Tom: my fag dad 311. Melissa: my punk lil buddy 312. Charlotte: not so good
313. Harold: fat sweaty men
314. John: Lennon!
315. Joel: I like that naem
316. Vanessa: stupid lil sluty bitch in my math class
317. Michelle: Branch.
318. Kevin: buff guy
319. Brent: that sounds familiar
320. Jake: cake
321. Billy: ew
322. Sarah: bitch
323. Natalie: This really tall black girl.
324. Christy: whore
325. Nick: dispshit
326. Linda: my aunt in hawaii
327. Taylor: stephs friend
328. Jordan: micheal
329. Jaime: short punk girl
330. Adrian: pretty but annoying girl

~Have You Ever....~
331. Mooned anyone? nope
332. Been on a diet? yep
333. Been to a foreign country? nope
334. Broken a bone? Never.
335. Swallowed a tooth/cap/filling? dont remeber
336. Swear at a teacher? indirectly.
337. Talked to a DJ member via e-mails or instant messages? Nope.
338. Got in a fight? kinda
339. Dated a teacher? ew no
340. Laughed so hard you peed your pants? haha i think everyones done that
341. Thought about killing your enemy? yeah, and i have a long list
342. Gone skinny dipping? Yes.
343. Met another DJ member in the flesh? non
344. Told a little white lie? Yep.
345. Told a secret you swore not to tell? ya 346. Used a foreign object to masturbate? foreign meaning what?
347. Misused a swear word and it sounded absolutely stupid? No
348. Been on tv? ???
349. Been on the radio? nope.
350. Been in a mosh pit? Nope.
351. Been to a concert? Yep.
352. Dated one of your best friend? well all my bfs were firneds before we started dating but never really really good best friends
353. Loved someone so much it makes you cry? Yep.
354. Deceived somebody close to you? i dont think so 355. Broken the law?yep
356. Been to a rodeo? Nope.
357. Been on a talk show? Nope.
358. Been on a game show? No.
359. Been on an airplane? ya
360. Got to ride on a firetruck? no
361. Came close to dying? yeah
362. Cheated on a bf/gf? no, never have never will
363. Gave someone a piggy back ride? Yes.
364. Terrorized a babysitter? no
365. Made a mud pie? no
366. Had a dream that your falling off a cliff? no
367. Snuck out of the house at night? ya kinda
368. Been so drunk you don't remember your name? lol
369. Had an eating disorder? i have eating problems i guess, but not aneraix or buliema or we not yet anyways
370. Felt like you didn't belong? yeppers
371. Felt like the 3rd wheel? yeppers
372. Smoked? yeah
373. Done drugs? well if u can smoke it its probly a drug
374. Stolen money from a poor person begging on the street? No.
375. Had your tonsils removed? Nope.
376. Gone to camp? no
377. Won a bet? Yes.
378. Written a love letter? yep
379. Gone out of your way to be with the one you love? yep.
380. Written a love poem? Yeah.
381. Kissed in the rain? no, i've always wanted to though, like in the movies lol, damn i am so lame, io also wanna have sex on a rainy day, that would be awsome
382. Slow danced with someone you love? No....
383. Sp34k L33t? ...huh???
385. Stolen a kiss? ???
386. Asked a friend for relationship advice? yep
387. Had a friend steal your bf/gf?: kinda, we had broken up and about a week later she started dating him even though she knew i had extremly strong feelings for him ermmm u know who u r
388. Watched the sunset/rise with someone you love? no, sounds nice though
389. Gotten a speeding ticket? nope.
390. Done jail time? no
391. Had to wear a uniform to work? I don't work.
392. Won a trophy? no.
393. Thrown up in public? no
394. Bowled a perfect game? Nope.
395. Failed/got held back? Nope.
396. Got perfect attendance in grade school? lol no
397. Roasted pumpkin seeds? no
398. Taken ballet lessons? when i was really little like 5 lol
399. Attempted suicide? never attempted, but that doesn;t mean i never wanted to
400. Cut yourself? Yeah.

~Childhood Stuff~
401. Did you play with Barbies? yeah.
402. Did you own Treasure Trolls? no 403. Did you watch Beverly Hills 90210? no
404. Did you play Simon? Uhh... no.
405. Did you watch Fraggle Rock? No.
406. Did you wet the bed? wtf?
407. Did you believe there were monsters in your closet or under your bed? no
408. Did you wear the underwear with the days of the week on them? lmao no
409. Were you shy? yeah.
410. Were you spoiled? no
411. Were you abused? no 412. Did you go to the circus? Ya
413. Did you go to the zoo? Yes.
414. Were you in a car accident? Yes.
415. Did you build snowmen? ya
416. Did you cry when you scraped your knee? probly
417. Were your older cousins mean to you? no, they were te same age as me
418. Did you think slinkies were cool? They still are the coolest
419. Did you think the Ninja Turtles really lived in the sewer? Not really.
420. Were you afraid of the dark? kinda 421. Did you have slumber parties? lol sure
422. Did you have New Kids On The Block sheets, curtains, sleeping bags, dolls and pajamas? No. 423. Did you tease your hair out like Tiffany? Nopers
424. Did you believe in the Easter Bunny/Santa Claus/ and the Tooth Fairy? Who doesnt when they are little

425. Do you believe in aliens? no, but i would sure hope their are other living life forms somewhere out there.
426. Name 3 things that are next to your computer: 2 dollars, makeup, and my sandwich
427. Do you have any hidden talents? Lol if they are hidden why would i tell you.
428. Do you wish MTV would play music videos? Thats what MTV 2 is for i guess.
429. If you were to star in a movie, what kind of movie would it be? I dunno....
430. What would your movie star name be? I dont know. ^^
431. Do you play any sports? Riding
432. What's the scariest movie you've ever seen? Aracnophobia, i hate spiders
433. What is the best movie you've seen in the theater or rented recently? I dont know
434. What is the dumbest movie you've ever seen? dont remeber
435. Do you drive? no
436. What is your dream car?Anything that can take me somewhere without breaking down and black, but if i wanted any car i dunno a big black truck or a ports car
437. Do you think you're good looking? lmao hell no
438. Do others think you are good looking? i dont know
439. Would you ever sky dive?sure
440. Do you believe in Bigfoot? no
441. How many rooms do you have in your house? 3 bedrroms, living room family room and 2 bathrooms and kitchen and dining area
442. Are you afraid of roller coasters? ya
443. Do you believe in God? yeah
444. Do you believe in Satan? Yes
445. Do you believe there is a heaven? I dont believe in a big white place up in the clouds like ppl make it out to be, i think when ppl die they go to their own heaven, a place with eveything and everyone they love
446. Do you believe there is a hell? or somehting like it
447. Do you own a pool table? No, but it'd be cool to have one.
448. Do you have a pool? ya
449. Do you have a dishwasher in your kitchen? Yes.
450. Do you like chocolate? HELL YA
451. Who/what is on your 2004calendar? my online calendar
452. How many U.S.? I'll answer when you finish the question.
453. Ever wished on a shooting star? I've never seen a shooting star
454. Best Halloween costume you ever wore? My Belle costume from Beauty and the Beast... I wore it when I was little
455. Do you carry any weapons on you? uh...no, but i will be in a few years when i can legally get a nice knife
456. What is your weakness? i dunno, being emotionally hurt
457. Name something you can't get enough of: hmm...
458. Describe yourself in 3 adjectives: i dont know
459. How many kids do you want to have? none 460. Future daughters names:
461. Future sons names:
462. What is your ideal way to die? I want to be happy, maybe in my sleep, but i want to happy and had lived my life as much and as best as i could
463. How do you release stress? writting or eating, or just sitting and crying, i cant deal with things like most ppl do, all i can do is cry most of the time, its good to cry so u can let everything out
464. Are you a trendy person? Not really.
465. Are you an artistic person? People say I am
466. Are you a realistic person? For the most part, yes.
467. Do you un-tie your shoes every time you take them off? Not really.
468. Are you a strong person? Sometimes, I dont really have a choice, i kinda have to be, i have to hold my head up high and try not to cry and pretend everything is okay until I'm alone, thats basically how i was raised, even when I'm alone I have to be strong, their aren;t many ways I can deal with my problems onece again
469. Are you a strong willed person? I try to be.
470. Who is the last person to e-mail you? julia
471. Who is the last person to IM you? dont remeber
472. Do you hate chain e-mails? yeah
473. Are you a deep sleeper? depends
474. Are you a good story teller? No.
475. What do you believe is your best quality? i dont know
476. What is your greatest accomplishment? i dont know
477. Do you like to burn candles or incense? Yea
478. Do you do yoga? Not really.
479. Do you have your own credit card? Nope.
480. Let's say you win the lotto. What do you do with all that money? buy myself my horse that i've always wanted
481. Do you have a check book? Nope.
482. Do you like your driver's license picture? dont have one
484. What color is your hair naturally? blonde
485. How many fillings do you have? like 3 i think.
486. How many cavities did you have at your last dentist visit? none
487. Worst feeling in the world? A broken heart.
488. Best feeling in the world? Being loved.
489. Is the glass half empty or half full? I don't care... I just want to know who's been drinking out of my cup
490. Last thing you downloaded? ???
491. Do you catch yourself using online terms in your real life? no lol
492. What do you think people think of you? I don't know. Most people think i'm a heartless mean slutty bitch, but once you when me over I can be pretty affectionate i think
493. Are you a likeable person? depends
494. Do you need therapy? ya probly
495. Do you take medication for a chemical imbalance? yes
496. What the best way to be proposed to? On a rainy day, when your with the person u love alone
497. What kind of movie would you star in? i dont know
498. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? Umm.... I guess.
499. What are you thinking? I dont know
500. What's your favorite phrase? ...i dont know

1 handed me a rope | help me


:: 2004 21 April :: 10.17pm
:: Mood: I'm alive, thats good enough
:: Music: Relaxing Music

Ok everyone, I'm back, I have my computer now finally. This entry will be about everything thats happened since the entry from early March. Well lets see, where to start.........ok well after I got my computer taken down I was off to Cali for an orchestra trip for the first few days of Spring Break. That trip was...erm...interesting, it was okay, had its ups and downs. We played at a high school the first day, it was kinda cool to see how other people our age at other high schools in other states are, lol, they weren;t much different, lota punk and 'surffers'. Then we went to the zoo! VERY EXCITING! No penguins though. =( Danny, Manda, Bri, and I bascially roamed around there for a few hours that day, riding the moving sidewalks and stuff lol. Then we went to SeaPort Village and played for people, that was pretty fun, then we went to the beach, and of course Bri dragged me in, IT WAS FREEZING, after awhile I finally ran out and stayed on the beach shivering for a few hours lol, then we all ran to a shopping center near by for some food, I was never so happy to eat pizza before in my life. It was so cold and I was starving. Those were basically the highlights of the trip, along with running around the hotel and stuff. When I returned home, we were suppose to already be in our new house, but the bank fucked up and we had to crash at my grandmothers house for a few days. Complete hell, I'm not going into detail, hell should be a good enough description for those few days. Well we finally got into our new house, but things didn't get much better, my depression kicked in and the whole spring break was basically living tourment. Luckily, Spring Break was only a week, then I returned to school, things got somewhat better. Those few weeks after spring break are kinda just a blank in my mind, I just remeber being depressed and upset about moving, so I dont have much to talk about. Not much is going on now, getting settled into our new house still and dealing with some personal stuff and school, which is over in less than 4 weeks. I wont miss school at all, I need a few months away from all the morons and snobs and grades. It'll give me some time to destress. Most of my days this Summer will be spent sleeping, tanning in our new pool, being online, working out, and sleeping some more. Sounds lovely. Well thats about all I can think of for now, leave some comments if you would like.
Note: I have a new email address for my buddies, its xfirehotblondyx@yahoo.com
and also I have a new SN, if you would like it please ask me for it.

help me


:: 2004 17 April :: 1.05pm
:: Mood: Every mood a person can experience

Love- Giving somebody the ability to destroy you at any given moment but trusting them not too.

"With This Knife"

i let myself fall into a lie
i let my walls come down
i let myself smile and feel alive
i let my walls come down
no matter how i try i don't know why
you push so far away
you wrapped your hands tight around my heart
and squeezed it full of pain

with this knife i'll cut out the part of me
the part that cares for you
with this knife i'll cut out the heart of me
the heart that cares for you

i can't believe the way you took me down
i never saw the pain
coming in a million broken miles
like poison in my veins


the hate and the fear
the nightmares that wake me up
in the tears
the nightmares and (the hate)...

"For You"

i waited for you
i died inside my own head
and i'd die again for you

i'm faded and tired
completely uninspired
and i'd die again for you

so kill me with the love that you won't give to me
and pack the wound with salt i want to feel it bleed

i'm searching for reasons
to keep away the demons
and i'd die again for you
i wish you were near me
could feel it when you hear me say
i'd die again for you

so kill me with the love that you won't give to me
and pack the wound with salt i want to feel it bleed
you wanted me to crawl so now i'm on my knees

why's it always have to be me
that's always left out to burn and
i'll never learn


And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yhea you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

1 handed me a rope | help me


:: 2004 13 March :: 2.02pm
:: Mood: Fuckin' Pissed

I won't be updating this jurnal for awhile. I'm moving so I dont know when the next time will be when I can get on my computer again, hopefully it wont be too long. Talk to you all later.

1 handed me a rope | help me


:: 2004 11 March :: 10.16pm
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: My parents fighting

My mom and dad are fighting. My mom is upset at my dad cuze hes not being truthful I think but I cant hear my mom or dad too well, just random words here and there. My dad has done some pretty shitty things to my mom, he hasn't beaten her or anything like that but he can be an asshole and hes not all the time truthful. My dad can be okay sometimes, but most of the time I try to avoid him as much as possible. My parents wont get a divorce though...even though I am not to fond of my dad I am glad theyre still together unlike a lot of families, there would be a lot of drama and money issues if they got a divorce that I dont feel like dealing with drama and my mom would become a wreck. If they got a divorce and one or both remarried I would be pissed cuze I dont like change and I dont like many adults, and if they were to have kids with their new spouse I wouldn't talk to them, I hate children and I already dont get that much attention as is, and when I do its usually yelling, either about how I've disrespected them in some way or my appearance. I'm usually on the computer or by myself in my bedroom when I'm home, away from my mom cuze shes either sleeping or stressed about something, my dad is usually at work but when hes home hes a pain in the ass always bothering me and bitching about something, and my sister locks herself up in her bedroom playing video games or watching TV. I feel bad for my sis sometimes, she doesn't get yelled at by my parents often, not nearly as much as I do, and when I do get yelled at she has to watch and if she can she usually hurries off to her bedroom. She lives in like her own little fantasy world, she spends almost all her time watching movies or playing video games in her room, shes 11 I think, its just sad sometimes watching her. I dunno ...its kinda fucked up.

2 handed me a rope | help me


:: 2004 6 March :: 8.18pm
:: Mood: content

We bought a house in Glendale...of course. My mom and dad took us lookin in a neighborhood before we went and had breakfast with my aunt and uncle while they were in town and they took us to this one house and our relator Amy was there and shes like "Welcome to you new house guys!" My mom and dad had bought it a few week in advance and surprised us. I on the otherhand wasn't so ecstatic, I started bawling and went in another room. The house were moving into is Ok...3 bed/2 bath and it has a dinky pool, but a pool is better than no pool, I can use it for getting a tan I guess. Its 64th Ave. and Happy Valley I think? About 15 minutes away from my current house. I will remain going to Pinnacle through high school, thank god. Were getting a ton of new furniture cuze what we have now is complete shit, which is cool cuze I get new bedroom furniture, yippy. The good news is were keeping our phone number, and I get my own line and the computer, so I will basically be living in my bedroom =) Score. We'll be moving while I am in Cali. so I wont have to do any work except unpack my shit, HAHA! Ok enough about moving I'm done...this weekend so far has been good, yesterday was Friday and I went to Sams and stayed the night at Leesha's, thank you again Leesha, and then this morning I came home and me my mom and sis all went out and looked at matresses and bedroom shit, I am doing my room in black. Ok well I have a headache and din din is almost ready, mmMMmm STEAK...Talk to everyone later, bye people.

3 handed me a rope | help me


:: 2004 3 March :: 7.11pm
:: Mood: hungry

Life is boring and busy...lots of packing and shit, I've been workin on my grades cuze 3rd quarter ends soon...the school year is almost over, thank god.

You are capable of anything. People underestimate
you all the time. You are one of those psychos
who legitamately does not care. You have no
fear of death at all. People do not know it,
but you are a very dangerous

Do you embrace DEATH ?
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So goth you're dead!
You are every goth-kids dream!

Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
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What's yours? Enter your name:

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What's yours? Enter your name:

which pleasure are you?

Are you RACIST?

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Hazel Eyes

What Color Eyes Should You Have?
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You're Love!

Which Moulin Rouge Symbol are you most like?
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Which era in time are you?

Which Season are you?

Find your inner Smurf!

I am 24% evil.
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Which Piercing are you?

help me

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