2004 2 September :: 4.51 pm
:: Mood: tired...and i need a shower!
well this is just a quicky but i'll write more later....
Guess he can't live without me! :-)
school is okay...kinda tough...lots of reading..yuck! but fun! :-)
i miss everyone!
ok write more latta
2004 28 August :: 8.20 pm
:: Mood: tired...sad...
:: Music: mix from kane
well this is it folks...i'm in college. the past few days have been up and down like a mad rollercoster...but whats new...
well move in day went alright and the few days after that were just kinda crawlin by...trying to get used to everything. last night i had a blast...till i got back to the dorm...
his email was so sincere but it hurt so much, and cut so deep i still don't know what to do or even what to say to him...i know he loves me...and i love him more than anything...anything, and that's what hurts so much. not the fact he broke it off but that i love him so much that this is killing me...even though we are just "taking a break". i got like 3 hours of sleep and i cried so much that i just fell asleep...looks like it'll happen again tonight. i try so hard not to think about it...i need to focus on school and be happy...but it's so hard to even just believe any of it...
he said that it'll make us stronger and he doesn't want to worry and that's why he's saying we need to take a break...i just hope he's happy...with whatever he does. I just know i'm not happy without him...and i've never felt so empty in my life until now. i've lost my home, my friends are far away, my mom isn't just upstairs, and my best friend and the love of my life is gone...if this is what college is supposed to be like...well i hate it.
but ya know...i'm doin alright...i mean i got tons of tears i've been holding back...no doubt about that but i can get through this...i'm hoping...
i don't know what else to say...except that i love chris. I always will...and it sucks that when two people are in love they can't be together...whoever would've thought love is like this....
2004 22 August :: 11.53 pm
:: Mood: tired/thoughtful/confused...
:: Music: none
so i haven't seen chris in 4 days...well it felt like 40 tonight. I got home and he just right away asked me to do something...i figured he would want to stay home cuz he had been up all weekend havin fun with his friends but...nope he wanted to come over and i was so happy and excited! i kissed him while he was sitting in my room on my computer chair....and it felt like a first kiss...my stomach tightened up and my heart was pounding...i was in heaven...and i didn't want the moment to end. we headed to wal-mart looked around then came back to my house we were flirty like we always are...but haven't been in the past few weeks...so it was kind of surprising...which is bad...cuz he IS my boyfriend...but anyways. so we came back to my house and laid on the couch and watched aladdin! we were cuddling and gettin close and then he kissed me again...but this wasn't like a first kiss this was like "i'm going to turn kailey on" kind of kiss...and boy did it work! so things went how things went and...i don't know...i'm happy and feel great but im so confused! Just last week he was talking about MAYBE taking a break and not being so physical and trying to get our "friendship" back into place (which i never thought we lost from the beginning) and now he couldn't keep his hands off of me and he wants me to come to dinner tomorrow and called me AS SOON as he got home and wanted to see me and everything else!!! I mean this is great and wonderful and i feel things are going a lot better but after being like this tonight i don't know! i don't know i don't know...he seemed fine after it all happened (and no we didn't have sex) but i said this stupid comment like wow i was horny...i haven't had any in a while....blah blah...good job kailey! make it seem like you just wanted to get some from him!! ahhh i'm so stupid! now....i don't think chris took it that way...but who knows...i may be wrong...i hope not, cuz that's not what i meant...so yeah....i'm gonna talk to him tomorrow. cuz i really wanna know what he thinks. i'm going to talk and communicate and tell him how i FEEL!! cuz that's what friends do...and he's my best friend :-) plus i love him to death! i missed him a lot this weekend.
well i'm gonna type my mom's paper up for her then head to bed....if i can even type it up...i might have to wake up and do it...i'm so tired...but i'm gonna start that...
2004 22 February :: 9.16 am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: craig david - you don't miss your water;kellie coffey - when you lie next to me
wow it's been quite a while since i've written in here...so i guess we'll play catch up a lil bit!
well since my last entry things have been quite tough to get through because of the loss of our friend andy...chris was a wreck for a while but he has got a lot better...
i think things are still hard for him but he talks about him a lot and i feel more close to andy everyday by just having chris by my side...he's my piece of andy :-)
as times became rough with andy's death me and chris both turned to eachother for comfort more often and our relationship has grown SO strong...
I love christopher. I love him with everything i am and more. I love the way he talks, the way he smiles, the way he says "I love you"...I love everything about him, and i find something new everyday about him which makes me just love him even more. It's crazy to think i'm still in highschool and i can truely say i'm in love. But i know we're going to spend the rest of our lives together, and that gives me the strength to survive in live and live the best i can, because i have the security of him being there, i don't have to worry about looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with...i have chris and i am the happiest i could ever be :-)
the bad things in life don't really matter to me anymore. because i'm so happy, if bad things come up they kinda just pass over me, and i move on thinking about the good things and with chris here...everything is good :-)
god i just love him so much! and if you know me...i hope you can see that i do :-) and i'm finally happy.
well kaneface and tiff-O are over so i'm gonna go make some pancakes for them :-) cuz i'm such a good friend! haha but i'll catch ya'll later!
3 falling stars |
2004 17 January :: 11.12 am
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: wait for me - rebecca st james; i will remember you - sarah mclachlan
well today is andrew's funeral, and i think it's going to be a hard one to get through.
i'm going by myself, which is kinda hard to believe, but i'm going for chris, and to show my respects for andy and his family, even though i didn't know them very well...i know that he was a great guy and will be missed, and if he's looking down from heaven, i hope he knows i'm there and i will never forget him.
i couldn't sleep last night, at all.
my dreams keep getting worse...and i get more scared to wake up everytime...
i have to stay strong today, because chris is going to come over later, he's going to be in bad shape, and i have to be there for him. and i'm going to be, even if the only i can do is hold him in my arms...i'll do it until he tells me to let go...
i continue to pray everyday...for everyone's safety...and happiness after this tragedy that's hit us all...it's going to be a hard year to get through for my friends at harper...but i'm here for them every step of the way. I am thankful for my friends that have been there for me through all of this and continue to support me...it's helped me more than you'll ever know.
i've discovered something...i knew it was there, it just hadn't appeared so clearly until now.....
i'm in love.
my horoscopes for today are so confusing...they mean something but i don't know what...
Stop thinking so hard. You've got to listen to your gut instincts on this one. Not everything is always black and white. As hard as it might be to let go, some decisions have to come from within.
i havent' done anything but think...i dunno...maybe it'll shed light on me later.
"I can only imagine..." this song is by mercyme and i'm sitting here listening to it...and i dunno what i'm thinking...what is it like in heaven? is andy up there looking over us? seeing all these people mourn for him...
i told chris i'm going before him last night...he said he couldn't stand it...but i couldnt' see him go before me...i don't want to think about that though...because he's not going anywhere and neither am i.
well i have to go to the school at 1:45 or so...i want to see chris, but i don't know if i will...i can only hope.
death is such a hard thing to grasp...but everyone knows it happens...so why is it so hard to believe? because you never expect it to be this soon...it's not supposed to be like this. so why does it have to happen?...i guess God only knows it...and i don't understand, but i really can't...unless i'm God.
so it's time to let him go, time to say goodbye to our dear friend andy...he'll be in our hearts and in our prayers for always...and he'll always be remembered as Superman, the one who saved lives and made everyone so happy to be alive.
Rest In Peace Dear Andy ~ '85-04'
he's safe in the arms of an angel.
1 falling star |
2004 14 January :: 6.53 am
:: Mood: scared lost sad but happy
:: Music: angel - sara mclachlan and the boy's gone - jason mraz
the boy's gone home
i don't know why god took him away from us
he was so young, so pure, so wonderful
everyone had a piece from them that was a part of andy, and that piece is gone now
some of us were his best friends or his family, and other's rarely knew him
but the schock and horror of losing anyone who is that young, hits a part of us all
i wish i could be more comforting to the ones i care about who are greiving through this time...but i find myself not comforted, and doing the same.
i didn't know andy very well, but i know he was a wonderful guy, and a great swimmer
he made the love of my life happy because he was such a great friend, and now that he's gone...chris doesn't have that great friend anymore...but he has all the memories and the great times they had together...
i wish i would've known andy better, although i didn't, the fact that he's gone still hurts...
i mourn for my friend kristy, who was andy's love...they were a perfect fit, and i know that she made him very happy, while he did the same.
it's hard to believe that something like this can happen, especially to the people we know and love...Harper has lost 3 kids in the past year from car accidents...i just pray none of us lose another.
i'm scared to let chris leave anymore, and i'm scared to see my friends walk out the door from school...anything can happen...just like it happened to andy. one second they're there and the next second they're gone...i couldnt' bear to lose a friend that close to me...
i pray everyday now, for the strength to know that everyone is safe, and that we are all in God's hands...but Andy was too...so why did he have to leave?
there's a reason for everything, but it's going to take sometime for me to realize and believe that again...i don't think i'll ever be the same...but i'm going to try to live everyday like it was my last...cuz that's what andy did, and he has everything to show for it.
i pray for andy, his friends and family, and i greatly respect all the support for chris and my other friends that are going through this time :-) (thanks kane)...
May God be with andrew as he sails among the angels and watches down over us all...
He'll always be our Superman, the one to save our lives and watch over us, and we'll never forget him.
Rest In Peace Dear Andy...we miss you <3
2003 30 December :: 8.34 pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: breathing - yellowcard and why can't i - liz phair
wow it's been a while but...not too much new i guess...well kinda but...that's another story
just been hanging out waitin for school to start and be over with and workin at the Y! it's been going really good, and i like it, but i just wanna get my car fixed!
been hangin with tiff and traci the last couple days...so it's been fun, but i miss my other friends too...this whole car thing just makes it so difficult to chill with anyone...lets hope i fix that problem soon!!
me and tiff had a great night last night, we got outta work and then went to nicks house for a while then went to dj's and hung out with dj, chad, and A... had a great time! then i stayed up till 4 in the morning almost talkin online :-) lol
tonight i'm at home, just got outta work, and i'm watchin hannah while my mom is goin out for a lil bit...chris is supposed to come over for a bit...but i dunno whats gonna go on there so who knows
well i guess that's all for now...
2003 25 December :: 11.07 am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: listening to my new WOW hits cd...it's good :-)
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!! well my sisters decided to wake up extra early this year...little did they know their big sister stayed up till 2 or so...so she was very tired, but hearing my sisters voice this morning and getting a kiss from her this morning was a great wake up call :-) she loves me, if any one is this family does, it's alexandra...and i love her so much...and i miss this house and my family...a lot :-) it's been a great christmas so far,and i'm looking forward to the rest of the day!
well we went to church last night, haven't been in a while....a WHILE....and it wasn't regular service, but i do miss going to church and having that connection to something i really believe in...life may be hard but i know that i have it good and right now guidance from God is what i need...
there's always time for fun, but what am i going to do when i get to college and don't know what i want to be, or just forget about the important things in life...like family and friends...like loving someone...like my faith. these are the most important things to me and i need to keep them close...and on the top of my priority list.
my dad and patty put $20 bills in a bunch of different boxes and it came to a total of $125...how much my ticket was...:-) with the reciept...lol my dad is so cool, and i have a great family...and i need to realize that and give them the love from me ... so when i go off to college it's not too late to be close to them...
well i'm heading over to my mom's here in a while, so i better get around, but i hope everyone has a merry christmas...this one has already been a lot better than last's...warm wishes to all on christmas...and thanks to God for everything this year. :-)
2003 22 December :: 8.11 pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: sad song - oasis
well today has been long but it's still not over!
i got up at 8am...yes 8am to go shopping with traci and tiffany, so traci picked me up and we went to the bank and some other places and the mall...got chris a hat and a shirt that's really cool at AE...god he's hard to shop for!! ugh....but oh well lol after the mall me and beck and traci went to chili's and got food and it was really fun then went to walmart for a few things then after we dropped off beck at the mall to get her car traci took me home, i wrapped my mom's presents and then tiff stopped by cuz she needed someone to talk to...so then my mom came home with my new coat :-D yay! i went to work at 4:30 and had a good time, then i just got home! that's about my day in a nutshell...my night however hasn't started yet! haha
well i have to go jump in the shower, i smell, j/k!! haha :-P then tiff is gonna get me and we're stayin at traci's tonight...hopefully findin something fun to do!! might call aaron to see what he's up to and wish him a merry christmas early, cuz he leaves tomorrow for iowa till saturday :-( but he said we'd hang out when he gets back so it's cool, gotta call christopher to hehe tell him i got his present already ...gotta make him some cookies too, i think he'll like that :-) but as for that....nothin else is new! i'll post later about tonight...tell ya if anything interesting happens! alrighty pz out peeps
2003 20 December :: 4.20 am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: stories - trapt
well it's almost 4 in the morning...why i'm up...god only knows. i woke up a lil before like 3:50 and my phone beeped it was aaron. we talked for a few min, he was seein if i was out partyin or what not, nope i'm a lazy bum in bed at 3am lol :-P but after i talked to him i haven't been able to go back to sleep...hmmm...who knows
well today sucked...yesterday.....friday whatever...
school sucks, math sucks, it all just sucks...but hey i get 2 weeks off and then only 2 weeks to go in this semester...so it's all good right? right.
well i didn't get to see chris AT ALL tonight...didnt' even talk to him but...oh well he's sick and he needs to get better...
i went to a movie with bob, talked to a million different people on 2way but just stayed home and slept the rest of the night until arbo called...
he asked what i was up to and what i was doin this weekend, i told him nothin and he said i should hang out with him and bob tomorrow, i told him to give me a call and i would!
don't worry...nothing is going to happen...i love chris and i can't do that to him...or to myself...aaron is one of my best friends and i cant lose him b/c of something else that i feel towards him...so everything is going to be fine! :-)
alright...maybe that's just what i had to get off my chest...whew...ok i'm off to bed now
2003 14 December :: 7.31 pm
:: Mood: happy but tired
:: Music: everytime i close my eyes - babyface
so this weekend...well it was long but fun at the same time!
friday i went to chris' house and hung out with him all night :-) watched a movie and i fell asleep in his bed and he didn't wake me up! lol what a sweet heart! <3
saturday....wow saturday! well here it goes...
so i woke up and just kinda hung around the house then i was gonna go to the hockey game with kane and allie but my mom wouldn't let me cuz she was being stupid but then when i asked her i was going to hang out with my friend kristy she said whatever...WTF?? ha but i haven't hung out with kristy in a while so...she came and got me and we drove ALL THE WAY to marshall and we got there....and the swim meet was over! ha imagine that! but the drive was fun, kirsty is a cool girl and we had a good time...so then we went over to chris' dad's house and hung out with him, rented finding nemo..my favorite movie!...and watched that then kirsty left to go hang out with her friend and me and chris watched the rest and he took me home. then i called tifferz and that's when my night began...
so she comes over and we decide to go to steak n shake, we saw michelle leanne and adriana so we sat with them and chilled. then we headed over to mikey b's house for a lil bit! aww what a cutie, i love that kid! we explored his HUGE ass house till we finally found him and corey and just chilled with those funny guys for a while! then mitchell twayed me and asked me to go to this party...so we drove out to pennfield thinkin that we were goin the right way......WAY OFF! so we drove back and sat at the liberty parking lot, saw bmarz and nicholas and talked to them for a few. then we decided to go across the street and sit in the bank parking lot cuz liberty was too scary....two white girls in a lil ford escort car....i don't think so! so we started puttin on make up and stuff and then chilled till mitch got there and we followed him to this GHETTO house IN THE GHETTO and man..it was scary. so we went in the hosue with chris nobel and this guys parents are sittin there...then his mom is standing outside the room door staring and i just got freaked out....i looked at tiff and we both had that look like "save me" so i said hey we better get goin tiff, my mom wants us home at 11:30. so we left! drove to my house and tiff had to piss sooo bad, go to open my door....whatta know..it's LOCKED! shit mother fucker! so we had a hell of a time getting in my house throught my bedroom window...broke a couple screens, my blinds, oh and my moms flower box outside my window! greaattt....ha but we fixed it...kinda. lol mitch shows up at my house and we meet him up at sweetwaters later to go out to the STIX at this kids house...they were waiting for his mom to get there to smoke with him!! omg! haha so it was just a bunch of thugs and crap so we left after a lil bit...came to my hosue and i was ready for bed....but tiff wanted pizza. so we searched for a pizza place that delivered and finally called up papa johns and got them to deliver to us at 2 in the morning we were sitting in my room, on my bed, eating pizza! it was a great night :-)
so i woke up today and got all dressed up and went to a christmas play with benjamin out at cornwell's turkey farm...and that was really fun, love my ben!! :-P he was crackin me up...but we had a good time. it was a bonding experience...haha
now i just got done workin out, gotta do some h/w i'm sure, then talk to christopher and sleep! only 5 more days of school till x-mas break!!!!!!! thank GOD!!! whoo hoo! well that's all for now! later dudes
2 falling stars |
2003 11 December :: 8.10 pm
:: Mood: excited but NOT GOOD
HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM
crap crap crap
you know where you get feelings for someone but know it won't work out or never happen so you TRY and get rid of them, but they really just bury themselves underneath other feelings, and then when you're already involved with someone else and that other person comes back and everything falls into place with both of you and it just seems like it's right this time but you still have that other person you're in love with and together with that's there....and you're just torn between the two and don't know what to do!?!? yeah...that's me right now!!
so he gets online, and i had JUST taken off my away message and he IMs me like a second later! then so were talkin and he tells me he broke off EVERYTHING with his EX and besides that nothing is new...now why would that be the ONLY thing he points out as new?!?! hmm well then he starts like....jokin around...which he's never done online and we're just having a friendly converstation and everything but then he got kicked off....:-( but omg...what the hell am i supposed to do!?
well...i just vented on tiff...i'm just gonna let things go....see what happens. i really like them both....things always happen with us at the WRONG time...everytime....so maybe that means something....but whoknows...alright it's shower time
2 falling stars |
2003 11 December :: 5.14 pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: all i want for christmas is you - MC
wow i haven't written in forever! ahh! well here's the update i guess you would say :-)
well things have been going GREAT! besides the fact i don't have my car...i really don't care! me and chris have been hanging out A LOT which has been great, and god, i'm SO in love with him!! :-) but i miss hanging out with allie and kane a lot...i haven't been doin much cuz i don't have my car but i've been hangin with my mom which has been cool b/c things are going good :-) well...things are just goin good! i got the job at the Y and i'm so physched! it should be great! i can't wait for x-mas break to get here! tomorrow i plan on goin to chris' after he gets out of practice...he's got somethin planned for us...no idea what it is but...his mom is in colarado with his brother and he stayed home...which is good cuz i'd miss him! but...we'll seewhat he's got goin for tomorrow! ;-) hehe so...i'm gonna have dinner and do some h/w, talk to chris and go to bed...i think i'm getting sick :-/ let's hope not! but hopefully this weekend i get to hang with kaneface and allie cuz i miss them!! a lot!!! and you better read this cuz i'm gettin bored every weekend without my girls!! :-P alright well i'm gonna get goin
2003 6 December :: 10.19 am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: sympathy - goo goo dolls
well the past week has been...crazy. that's prolly why i haven't posted at all this week. well monday through wednesday was fine. monday i had a great day cuz i got the job at the Y pretty much, and i got to see chris, and things were good! the week was going by fast until disaster hit on thursday morning.
i was driving in my car just going to school like always, playing "i love you" by martina mcbride and everything was good. i turned off of my street and then suddenly i woke up and there was smoke all over, my music was blarring in my ears, a horn was going off, and there were bright lights everywhere. i was clueless and scared. i tumbled out of the car gasping for air. i stumbled around for a min then looked up, and saw my car...i was in schock so i didn't know what to do. i was just scared to death. my front bumper was toasted, along with the grill of my car and my left headlight. the lady i hit was in a van and after like 2 min she moved to the side of the street. i was still choking on smoke, i called my mom and was screaming on the answering machine to pick it up. then i called my dad and he asked me if i was okay, where i was, and told me he was on his way. so the rest of the day went just wonderful. i cried the whole freakin day. constantly. my mom yelled and yelled, told me that she didn't want me to live in the house and that she wished she didn't worry about me at all for 17 years. i was so scared and upset. dad had to drive me around for like 2 hours before i could go to school cuz i was so upset. all i could think about though was chris. right before i hit her i saw the back of the van coming close fast, and when i blacked out and woke back up i thought i was in a nightmare. but all i could think about was chris. where he was, what he was doing, if i was going to see him before i died. god it was crazy. i just wanted him to hold me and everything would've been ok. i wouldn't have cared about my car, or my ticket, or my mom, or anything...i just wanted to be with him.
well all in all i got a 125 dollar ticket and a wakening from God. i think it changed me...not just the fact of being more careful and knowing that hey, it can happen to me...but just living life to the fullest and not bringing myself down with the little things. every moment, every second matters and if you live like it doesn't...that one moment could be your last and that's it...you're gone...and it's all gone in an instant. so i guess it was a good thing i got in the accident, it woke m y ass up...but it's sad that it had to happen to make me realize things.
so that was the excitement for thursday, my mom and i are okay and she's still mad, but things are going okay. just have to get a car somehow.
friday (yesterday) was not too bad. me and tiff went to BAB for lunch and had a good time, she's helped me a lot with everything, been takin me home and everything so i really appreciate that. she knows that it's hard and she's been there for me through everything. when everyone found out that my mom was kickin me out, they were like oh you can stay with me, you can live with me...that was the first thing chris said when i told him that my mom kicked me out. whatta guy :-) well last night i worked and then went to chris' he came and picked me up from work. i just layed in his bed and we watched a movie. it made my week great just to get to see him. dj, aaron, and mitch 2wayed me last night. it was weird cuz i 2wayed aaron back and talked to him when i was in the car with chris...and it was kinda akward, but...i just played it cool. it was cool to talk to him and all. i got home and talked with allie on the 2way for a while. i told her about the whole thing with aaron and we both agreed that i should stick with chris, cuz aaron will always be just a crush and i know nothing is going to come out of it...so why pass up my chances with chris. my horoscope the other day was "this will be your last chance with a certain person" and i flipped. i was like woah...but is it with aaron or chris? i'm assuming chris. cuz i always lose my chance with him somehow. i would much rather have aaron around as a good friend and someone to hang with, like ben and dj and bob, like those guys, then to have something happen, lose chris, and lose aaron's friendship when it's over. so i dunno...we'll just have to see. but anyways, i got home and talked to kane on the tway and she said that she wanted to apologize to chris cuz she can see how happy he makes me and doesn't want there to be a grudge between my best friend and the person i love. when she said that i was sooo happy, it meant a lot :-) it's weird how things got worse...but are getting better! things will be fine, i'm sure of it...it's just gonna take some time. but it'll be fine.
well me and alliecat are goin to the cereal bowl relays today later on, to see chris swim :-) so that should be cool. then i'm going to babysit at lori's, start makin some money that i lost from my ticket! woo hoo! but...hopefully i get that job!! i really need it!! well i'm gonna go chill for a while...maybe work on some h/w or somethin...haha yeah right but i'm outta here for now
much love <3
2003 1 December :: 8.44 pm
:: Mood: eh...
:: Music: stacie orrico - more to this life
yeah...so today was great! but i'm not in a great mood anymore...dunno why but...something just all of a sudden bugged me....who knows. oh well! i had a good day so it's ok! so school went by really fast, which was nice! chris came over at lunch and hung out with him for a lil bit, then after school i got all dressed up and went for my interview at the Y! it went really well, i really hope i got the job! she said she would give me a call later in the week so...i'm crossin my fingers!! then the rest of the day just kinda dragged on...did some h/w, hung with my mom, took a shower, did some laundry...ya know how it goes.
i 2wayed aaron to say happy birthday, see how he was doin, what he'd been up to lately...it was nice to talk to him :-)
but anyways...i better go get some work done on my english crap, haven't even started...who knows if ill talk to chris tonight or not, he's online so he'll prolly just go to bed after i get off but....whatever.
this year really needs to end...i need to start over on some things....i'm just losin it!
good night boys and girls