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:: 2005 16 August :: 11.14pm

Be careful who you do cuz karma comes back around!

i have fully understood what that means...... and for my luck it was to late.

rising sun


:: 2005 16 August :: 1.39pm

so i have fucked up in the last three weeks, i hate the way we dont talk, the fact we dont hang out, and really the fact that i was so stupid to lose my bestfriend, the one who has stood by me for the last 5 years.

im sorry that i took advantage over you, i really didnt think that is what i was doing, but yes looking back at the times i understand what your saying. i was frustrated and overwelmed and do say some things that i dont think about before i say them, i just felt that you really didnt care about me or wanted to go to silver lake or anything it just kinda seemed like it wasnt good enough for you, i was throwing a fit about something that was stupid,i should of just kept my mouth shut and just hoped that nothing would of came up on labor day so u would still want to go, but from my dumb ass i have ruined everything about you going not just to silver lake but everything that you and i have had over the last five years. and it truely sucks . i know you cant go back in time and all u have to work with is the future but that is up to u if u want to spend the time to try to start over, i know it wont be the same and it might not ever be the same but its just the fact of having each other around. Im SORRY AND I MISS YOU TONS

so over all things have just been going one day at a time nothing really to exciting, just have been thinkin alot about how careless i am when it comes to people i really care lot about, and would do anything for them. sometimes it might not show, but really its just a call kane and nick i miss you guys soo much ........

rising sun


:: 2005 9 August :: 1.28pm

so in the last coupld of days i have expressed myself to w hat i have been thinking or at least feeling. it hasnt been the easiest of things to do but every day they slowly come out. i dont know if that is a good thing or if really its just making everything worse. so it makes me wonder even more. especially since it seems like i have been fighting with my bestfriend about really nothing other than the fact of two different pages...

i shoulds be happy with life, the fact that josh and i just got a house that sits on 3 acres, but it almost like i have no one to share that feeling with,

I called nicholas yesterday to talk to, he is doing alright out in chicago, i miss him sooo much though, he says hes goin to come home sometimes soon though well once we get all moved in and everything so he can come and see it, so im reallly excited about that. but i will just wait for that .

well i gotta get going have to llook some things about about school, so take care everyone,

rising sun


:: 2005 28 July :: 10.33am

so nick ended up hanging out with us last night and sending sam home, so of course we managed to get in drunk, It was a good night rather than the consited agrueing with mike, everything that got said some how u were wrong and he was right, well after mike, trae, megan, josh all left we decided that we were going to go up to Friends to spend time with nick's mom, and what not, we stayed up there till like 2:20, Vicki was very upset that we didnt come to dinner with them that night because everyone, i mean everyone went to chili's but then again we werent invited and vicki said we are always invited no matter what.... AWWW s he loves us!!! i just feel bad that nick's leaving i really dont want him too though but i guess he has to do what is best for him and right now that is what it would be...

Sam i guess thinks we all hate her, but i dont think that its the fact that we hate her, but its the fact that she always has to be with nick. and its like he cant hang out with me, like were really going to do an ything.... He"s my brother, i care the world for him. just because he has been with u for a year, he has been my everything for the last 5. i think i have the right to hang out with him one night with out you. but i guess thats just my theory. and i guess he felt the same about it as well.

rising sun


:: 2005 27 July :: 1.24pm

"Behind Blue Eyes"

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
And no one knows
What it's like to be hated
To be fated to telling only lies

But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like i do, and i blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through


Discover l.i.m.p. say it [x4]
No one knows what its like
To be mistreated, to be defeated
Behind blue eyes
No one knows how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies


No one knows what its like
To be the bad man, to be the sad man
Behind blue eyes.

rising sun


:: 2005 25 July :: 11.02pm

blah blah blah, so it seems as everyone is upset wtih me, but then again i have been getting used to that, Talked to ron yesterday it was his 21st birthday so he wasnt feeling that great but he was doing alright, i miss him that is for sure, he is doing very well though and thats all that matters to me, Nick is leaving here soon to move to chicago, like he's leaving thursday and i really do NOT want him to leave, He's my bestest bestest friend he has been here with me with every situation for the last 4 years hes the one i run to he knowits alll and hes just goin to pack up and leave.... So, do i really truely mean somthing to him, or ccould he give two shits about me???

I think i should just pack up and move someplace rather than here in Battle creek,

I wasnt able to see the boys this weekend, i had to work alll damn weekend but i needed the money, and it was sooo damn hot, that it was just too hott to be out side so all in all it worked out just fine...
Josh is home so im goin to spend some tiem with him :)

rising sun


:: 2005 14 July :: 1.05pm
:: Mood: annoyed

I love when people come over at night and get on my computer sign me off of aim, so they can get on wtih out asking, and then when they feel that they are done, they dont have the ability to sign me back on. it just seems kind of rude to me that someone is willing to come in and do that. Its fine that u use my computer but teh fact that u dont put it back to how it was. I guess that didnt piss me off as much as telling ur friends oh i know someone who will by for us. Dont take advantage of josh because he is 21 . Its not cool to have people call u to have u ask josh if he will go buy, especially since we have no clue who they were. Its one thing if josh buys for you, but to add people we dont know into the equation. SOrry buddy but if sometimes happens josh is the one responsible and he's the one who willl get in trouble. It seems like u could care less if he got caught let alone anyone that buys u anything like cigs too. sorry to who ever is reading this because it only goes to one person but im just venting and this is where its going right now. He just really gets on my nerves sometimes though....

well josh was off of work yesterday he did something to his knee cap, and is on crutches so its something not good, but it was decent because kane was only allowed to hang out with me for alittle while, so i was able to spend the night off of work withjoshua. its nice to be able to do that every once in awhile...

i get to go to work tonight Lucky me.... so i better get ready soon its going on 2:`15 and i have to be there around 3

1 falling star | rising sun


:: 2005 11 July :: 9.54pm

it seems pretty sad that the days i have off from work, i go and hang out with my family, yes i get free dinners since my dad always takes us out when i come home but still i guess i should just get used to it, especially since kane is going to central this year. SHe's basically the only person that i hang out with anymore, and its been like a long ass time since i have talked to her, but then again its been a long ass time since i have talked to anyone, i think im goin to just get rid of my cell cause lately the only person that is on my phone is josh, or someone callin lookin for josh, and that really doesnt equal out to the 50 dollars a month im am spending. things are just starting to get lonely i guess you could say, its been a long night anyways, i just feel depressed in the long run

rising sun


:: 2005 10 July :: 9.44pm

so i got to spend the afternoon and night with my boys.. and did we have some fun, did we go thru alot of beer.... YES!!! well me josh, corey, doug, mike, josh all went down to coldwater lake today, we left here about 12:45 and was on the lake about 1:30 we managed not to get off teh lake till 9:00 yes i know that is a very long time and now we just got home, at 10:45. we only had to stop at mcd's twice, not bad but oh welll.

quick notes
!~ corey droped a beer can on his foot and managed to cut his toe
~! dont tell doug to hit you because he really will, just ask mike
!~ i went to take a drink and the next thing i knew i was in the water "corey fallin off the boat"
~! im toooo drunk to be swimmin in the lake
!~ we only had to save 3 hats today, some reason they just werent stayin on
~! duck... were goin to hit the boat......pullin into the dock, i think they had one to many today...
!~ i think we had to stop every 5 mins so the boys could jump off the boat to use the public restroom.
~! i went 4 hours hangin out with doug without getting flipped off , i think that has to be a new world record
!~ according to josh's mom, i am the little sister of the group, hangin out wtih the older but protective brothers.
~! corey come sit next to traci so she can peel ur back, dont ask
!~ traci if they ask, where taking you to ur AA class- Doug

thats all i can remember right at this second, i'll add more once josh gets home from takin mike to get keys since somehow he managed to lose them...
we also have decided that this needs to be something we do every sunday even through everyone has to get up at 6am on monday...

BUT I HAD FUN WITH MY BOYS :) love them all

rising sun


:: 2005 7 July :: 1.28pm

another long party night last night, but for some reason everyone just managed to get along good, always a plus, only went through a fifth, like 8 hard mikes berry, 2 jack daniels, and 2 cases of beer, oh well i know that doesnt sound like alot but when there is only like 5 people here drinkin that is alot, it was fun though i love everyone that was here though,

kane im goin to miss you when you leave for school, josh will have to find himself a new babysitter for me, i mine what am i going to do when i dont have to work, ??? i know i will just drive to see ya... lol

well josh got a job offer in albany new york, yea i know that like 10 hours away, but a part of me wants him to go check it out and see what they are willing to offer him and everything, and then a part of me doesnt want him to even think about it, i guess i just feel that i dotn want to be holding him back from something that sounds that could turn out to be a great job opportunity for him, i think if he did or does go, i will still stay here for the first like 6 months or so get done with my schoolin at kcc and then move out there with him,., yes it will be hard but i know i cant be with out him. thats just something i already know.

well i gotta get ready for work im goin to be late......

1 falling star | rising sun


:: 2005 5 July :: 2.12pm

well this last weekend i managed to make another camping trip, and i lasted the whole time, Josh enjoyed his 21st birthday even though it lasted like the whole damn weekend well it felt that way anyways. the days were good, sunny b ut really windy but we still managed to get sun, and the night were basically drama and drunkin fest. but we for sure had a grand ole time up at silver lake for the 4th of july :)

QUick NOtes

~ it takes 6 hours to get home from silver lake, when it only took 2 hours to get there.

~ little diners do not like groups of 14 coming in for breakfast

~ we only broke 5 out of 10 trucks that we had, not bad

~ girl at the ice cream store really needed a new job, and to go back to school to count to seven

~ josh didnt get carded for the first case of beer that he got, therefore he figured he could of been getting it for the last year

~ nikki can bong a beer, and kane can drink her fair share

~ nationwide does not beliong at silver lake no matter who is up there, no one ever wants u there, what part of that dont u get

~ dr phil, is looking for guest to come on his show,

~ the boys ( doug, tyler, corey, blake, and ryan ) always have my back no matter what.

~ if u dont want to get hit by the truck then get out of the road, i know that guys back cant be feeling to well right now.

~ who would of thought that in july you would need a space heater in the camper, it was damn cold

~Traci did not puke at all this weekend ~ thank u doug for having faith in me sayin thats all i was going to do with those cherry bombs

by next year i will know how to ride a quad, made that deal with josh....

well thanks to every one that went up to silver lake, for all the people that i got to meet, all of u are the best and it sure was a time that i wont forget, lets make next year even better than this year.. much love

rising sun


:: 2005 22 June :: 1.07am

my truck is broken!!!! and i am not happy about it, walk out of work this lovely evening to find out that it has a huge flat tire, so i have to leave my truck at work, i dont like that thought at all, josh says it will be fine but for some reason i dont have that same feeling, i think something else is going to happen to it, i just want my truck back

i guess it seems like i have voiced my opinion out too much and that im sorry that i run to others to talk to instead of the ones i really should, but in the end i just have always had this bad part of talking the probelm out, its almost like when its face to face i just dont care or basically dont know what to say, so im sorry for everyone tihat i have brought into this situation or put u in a weird spot. im just clustered fucked, i have myself more problems then i know what to do with.

well i have th e next two days off !!! what am i going to do with my time, go to the lake, or lay by the pool... ummm so many choices, josh goes back to work tomorrow, so he wont be around my sister and ella are coming down on thursday so im excited to see them its been since christmas since i have seen them last, thats a long time she has to begetting big now, but im off to bed since there isnt anything else to do

1 falling star | rising sun


:: 2005 21 June :: 11.21am

is living together tearing you two apart?

2 nights on the couch, now, is something wrong, i think i lost the part of me that enjoys cuddling and what not, i would rather just be left alone, then be smothered i think its time for a vacation, but where should i go~

1 falling star | rising sun


:: 2005 19 June :: 10.18pm

i just cant stand it anymore~~~

rising sun


:: 2005 18 June :: 11.49am

i found myself back into wondering, is this really the life that i want, am i really ready to have just one relationship. something lately just has been holding me back i dont know if its just the thought of someone else, or if its the fact that things are good, but over all everything is standing out to me, the fact i cant do anything by myself, always getting called, seems as if there is no trust, work keeps gettin less and less each week, it just really starting to seem like i find more and more things that i dont like each week. and then when i do tell him im mad at him or upset, he just seems to buy his way out of it, by getting me what ever i want or taking me out to eat.

supposed to go grocery shoppin today and mitch's open house, but for some reason it looks like i have to go by myself since josh and kyle went to silver lake today, ummm hes sick to go to work today but its alright for him to go to silver lake and spend money, money that is supposed to be saved for the 4th,

i truely think im just starting to pick out every little detail that i just cant stand anymore, but im goin to go shopping i guess i have nothing better to do than just hang out here and thats really not any fun

rising sun

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