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:: 2011 31 August :: 1.04 am
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: Futurama is on TV

... Life
So... here I am 25, divorced, one degree, still in school, working part time at a shitty job that I have no future at, going in for surgery in 2 weeks. I have hip dysplasia. This is why I've had hip pain for 5 years now. I'm gonna go in and willingly let them cut/break my pelvis in three spots, put pins in, repair tears in the labrum, realign/position things, and maybe even do something to the head of my femur. I'm absolutely terrified. I know Ryan will be by my side through it all. But still. I hate having to rely so much on other people. I've been let down by so many, it's hard to put complete trust in them. I'm scared the pain will be more than I can handle. Scared that even after recovery that I'll be .... disabled.... more so than I am now. Right now most of the pain can be handled by codeine. Taken often but still. And I wonder if I'll end up having to have the same thing done to my other hip..... And I'm in the ending point of my second degree this one for Veterinary Technology. *I yell/say fluffy whenever I see a dog... heh Ry and I will be out playin disc golf and i see one and go fluffy and ruin everyone concentration and such* I have to go to Detroit for the procedure since he's the only Dr in the state that does em. I'll be down there for about a week. And I realized tonight that my parents will too, so I wonder who will take care of my pup. I have asked the hunny to take care of her while I'm gone and he might. I need him there that first day. I'm going to be a wreck. He's my rock. My sanity. My everything. I don't understand it, we're opposites but he's my everything. He knows me better than I do myself. He's not always what I want, but he's always what I need. He encourages me, pushes me, spoils me, pampers me, he's my world. In the last year... he's become my life. I know this surgery is supposed to help. But I'm scared of being more disabled than I am now, of anesthesia not working like it should, of having more pain after recovery than I do now, of the whole surgery being ... botched. I try not to think of these things but as the day gets ever so close it's hard not to. I try to sleep at night and all I can picture is them taking the scalpel to my groin and being able to feel it and see the blood. Its so vivid I almost want to cry. And this is so hard to explain to people. Its just like it'll be ok, just don't think about it. Well... fuck... this is going to happen, the surgery, how can I not think about how it might go wrong?!? I'm 25 and this isn't normal!!! I've never wanted to be normal on the outside... but now that I'm older and have been having joint issues for 5 years... I want to live one day in some one else's body and see what it's like to live without aches and pains. I have had days I can't even pick my right foot up more than 6-8 inches because of the pain. Not to mention stairs... i have to do a flight ... well like 20ish stairs at Ry's... I can handle that usually, some days it's difficult. Not to mention hills :( I love to disc golf. I've been doing it for a year and haven't had an ace. Got close about 3 times at old farm though. But I can't walk hole 10 cause of the hill, sometimes I have to stop at 9 cause the walking is just too much. Fucking hate it. Makes me feel pathetic. Ry is such a strong person. Emotionally and physically. I wish I were more like him. He makes me want to be better. But I feel like I hold him back when I can't do stuff like that. He understands and never makes me feel bad about it, never complains about it. Offers to carry me when I'm in pain. I keep telling him I'm waiting till after surgery to take him up on that. Well ... I'm gonna stop for now. I'm going to keep updating more.. This will be my "recovery" journal. So if you want to hear my story... listen.. if not thats fine too. I just need a place to vent thats not my bf and won't get annoyed after awhile.

Tell me...

:: 2009 25 December :: 4.05 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Criminal Minds - on tv

see the knife
look at the blade glitter
pick it up
feel the edge
sharp enough to slice skin
press your thumb onto it
draw drops of crimson blood
exhale the breath you'd taken and smile
"this is it" you think
:my final time on this dreadful planet"
you mentally say goodbyes and praises
as you slowly lower the knife
so it presses against your inner wrist, on the vein
you take a deep breath
you press the blade down
press it hard
and slowly draw it against your skin
exhaling sharply against the sweet pain
you draw it so it makes a 2 inch cut
smiling as you see the blood
then you muster the courage
and switch hands
cutting into your other wrist
exerting a littler kmore pressure
so you get it right this time
you see the blood ooze out
you shiver slightly knowing, hoping
this will be your last
you make two more wounds
to the inner elbow of each arm
to help finish
knowing the asprain will only help
as the blood drips
you being to wonder
about what might have been
you write your thoughts down quickly
there's not too much time left now
you tell them how sorry you are
for not being perfect
for loving the wrong people
for doing the wrong things
but you lose your thoughts
you start to feel dizzy
you can feel yourself blacking out
you know you're dying
you hear someone walk in
you hear them shout your name
feel them run to you and cradle you in their arms
"I love you" you whisper
as blackness slips over you
"I love you! Please don't die" is whispered back
you struggle to hold on a little longer
if only to be with them
"I'm sorry. Remember me" you say
they hug you closer
they cry and tell you your forgiven and they love you
over and over again
your strength, your will weakens
you let go of life
with a smile
because you died in the arms of the one you loved
The only good thing you'd found on this dreadful planet.

I remember writing this years ago... and I still love the style of it.. but there is something wrong here. dying in the arms of the person you loved is not... an ending, nor is it probably the only good thing you'd find. To me, my dog is the only thing I have found with the exception of a few friends to have loved me unconditionally. To really be there for me and to accept me.

Tell me...

:: 2009 25 December :: 3.19 pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Criminal Minds - on tv

So I haven't updated in awhile. But I've had alot of things on my mind. Trying to figure out where my life is going and if where I'm at is helping me get there. I am excited about starting school back up in january. :D I'm just starting to wonder if this is really where I want to be. I miss things downstate. I used to have friends and be able to go hang out once in awhile.... now I just have one person maybe two I can talk to up here. And anyone that knows me, knows that I need my friends to stay sane. I've been having so much anxiety... sometimes its just hard to breathe. There are times I think... what am I doing here on this earth..what is my purpose. I keep wondering.... why am I here...I just make a mess of things. I constantly feel like everything is my fault. That I can never do anything right for my parents or the guy I'm with. And I know that isn't right or accurate. I know I'm loved to some extent. I just feel like there are terms and conditions to it all. And to me thats not the way love should be. I can love unconditionally, I treat my b/f the way I want him to treat me. Why can't someone treat me the same? Sometimes I just need a place to vent. I can't talk to him and have him actually listen. I just... I don't know what I need anymore.....

Tell me...

:: 2009 3 October :: 10.05 pm
:: Mood: blah

So living in the U.P can be many things. Mostly beautiful. I can see the lake/bay area from my front window. I love my job even tho I don't get enough hours. Working with dogs I think is really my calling. Lately tho... it's been raining or drizzling non-stop. Talk about depressing. It really saps away all good vibes. And just getting over being sick for the better part of a month. That sucked. I had to go into the doctor and lucky me, I have no insurance. *sighs* I just wonder how my life would be different if I had made different choices.

Tell me...

:: 2009 24 May :: 9.11 pm
:: Music: whatevers on tv

Well its been a long time I posted. I don't even know what all's going on anymore. I realize now that high school was definitly different than I thought. There was alot going on that I didn't know or realize. But again that was then. I'm still friends with certain people, others I could honestly care less. I'm married and working towards a divorce because he wasn't what I thought he was. He's not a bad person... just too much like my dad for me. I found a good guy who I'm living with. Far, far away from everything I've known. Its kinda nice although I tend to miss my other friends. Life is pretty much changed for me, everything is just different now. The only constant in my life has been some friends and my puppy. But that can only get you so far... *sighs* well... yeah. I'm still me, but I'm so different. And that doesn't make sense in my own head.... lol. well maybe someday it will....

Tell me...

:: 2008 16 December :: 4.07 am
:: Mood: thoughtful

So heres my update. Its been forever and a day. I miss high school. Shit was so much different then. Things were so much easier and less complicated. I sit here now a married woman, going through high school journal entries tearing up at how much drama there was. I still miss having some of those people in my life, and for treating them the way i did. and it just doesn't matter anymore. i realize it over and over no matter how much i wish it did matter. I wish i still had some of the friends i had in high school. i just wish i had more friends that were closer to me. Sorry to anyone that reads this ... it isn't intended on being depressing... just at getting emotions out.

Tell me...

:: 2007 4 June :: 11.55 pm
:: Mood: anxious

so i'm sitting here in the hospital with my best friend mary. her water's been broken and the contractions are finally starting. i'm excited for her. i get to be aunt connie to baby kailyn. i can't wait. but while i'm here i'm just thinking about my life. no more serious relationships for now.. even tho all i want is a family. i want a child bad. but at the same time i'm actually single and enjoy the freedom. there is someone i like, someone i used to care alot about. bran is being a jerk. he wants me but he keeps running hot and cold. its just not even fair. but the problem w/the guy i like... he's seeing someone. that's just so hard. ..... well... i dunno.. i'm taking off for now... adios!

Tell me...

:: 2006 17 October :: 4.46 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: whatevers playing on the ipod

hmm so .. i met this guy.. yeah awesome right. I'd really like to get things straight with bran and I, but no matter what I just can't be completely happy with him anymore. Lopez asked me what bran and I have in common.. it was hard to think of more that just a few superficial things. Bran and I are complete opposites. I just don't know if I want to end it and really end it after a year. Well, I'm going off to basic in january and will be gone for about 6 months. Lopez leaves the day before me and is only gone for 13 weeks. doesn't he suck. well... i've just been in one of these "i can't stop thinking" moods. I'm not sure what I want out of the men in my life. I don't want to make bran suffer anymore I know he can hardly handle me anymore. He hates my attitudes. I can't put up with his any more either. this is just bs. I just don't know what to do.well anyways i just thought I'd post since I haven't in ages.

Tell me...

:: 2006 3 June :: 1.44 pm
:: Mood: drained

all sorts of stuff
Well Josh got sentanced about a week ago. Since he pleaded guilty we didn't have to go through a trail. That was nice. He was up on not exactly on the stand cause he was facing the judge not the crowd. But the judge asked him if he had anything thing to say and he said he wanted to tell Ms. Price he was sorry. But he didn't fool me. He got sentanced to 11 months in jail minus the 2 (? hell I didn't really know he spent two damn days in jail) he had already spent. Plus 4 years of probation and he has to register as a sex offender. I didn't quite feel like that was punishment enough but that's ok. If he violates his probation Clyndia (the judge) said he'd throw the book at him so that would be like 10 or 15 yrs. I got to see him taken away to where the jail people were comming out of. I knew he was getting thrown in at that moment. it had a werid effect on me. I hadn't cried or been upset about what he did to me in awhile. and it wasn't relief he was behind bars that bothered me either. i just know that shortly after he was put away I started crying. I know I felt bad for his mom. Not his dad cause his dad is a dick ass jack ass and every other bad name in the book. But even after what he did to me... I felt like i was being harsh with him. or that this couldn't be happening. this only happens to other people and all the bull.. It was just.. strange.

On a sader note, my parents dog Giggles, Some of you know her as the beast woman or manly dog.. she was the one with all the wrinkles. Well she died like the first week of may. it was terrible. that morning she was fine and dandy running around and such. then when my parents got home later to take her out dad had to carry her down the stairs and when he put her in the yard she kinda wandered than made this like chuffing noise and went down. now the animal hospital isn't even a mile from my house. she died on the way there on my dad's lap. it was aweful... :( :( :( my parents had her cremated and we have her ashes in the living room....

But now on the bright side of that.... my parents now have a 10 week old now puppy named Mocha. Shes the same breed as Giggy. but shes a coffee/chocolate color. she was just 8 weeks old when mom and dad got her. she's a lil stink thou, she loves to bite. but then again she is teething.

I'm taking summer classes that are hard as hell. I'm trying to work at least 20 to 25 hours a week. My boyfriend and I share a car and he works between 40 and 55 hours a week. We tend to argue alot. Things have been difficult around the house but we're dealing with it. he wants a motorcycle so bad.. but i want him to fix up one of his cars first. but he's so hard to talk to or reason with sometimes... it just gets so flustrating. we fought for like an hour last night over that crap. i just can't deal with it. i can't. sometimes i just wanna go back to my parents house and stay for awhile so i can get away and cry and let my mom hold me like she used to when i was really upset. It's like wanting to be a kid again i guess.

1 No way... | Tell me...

:: 2006 14 February :: 10.13 pm
:: Mood: nostalgic

A Cleansing of the Past
Ok word of advice. never look through past entries. I just went through all my entries actually reading most cause my boyfriend is sleeping lol. But wow. A few of them really made me want to cry. Cry for the past. What I destroyed and what harm I caused. I was a bitch. I know it. I'm sorry to all those I hurt. I'm sorry for being such a damn drama queen.
James I know you won't be reading this, but you will always have a piece of my heart. You were my first love. I will never forget that. You are the one everyone has to stand up against. I'm happy for all the good times we had. I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. I know we had our bad times and those sometimes stick out more, others I look back and could almost cry at what we lost. Because honestly if we would have worked things out more or differently things could have been different. But that was then. We're only friends now and that only barely. :(

Christopher, I'm sorry for all the hurt I caused you. For all the trouble I caused too. I did love you and still care for you. But you are my best friend now. And that's all we'll ever be.

Ryan, You won't read this. So it really doesn't matter what I think or say anymore.

Stacy, I love you dearly sister. We've become further apart lately. And I know it's still my fault. Every time I find a guy I tend to push you away. I want to turn to him for mostly everything and not my friends. Well this time it was both of us. It's been a hard year. But I love you and you will always always be my sister. Remember blood is stronger than anything else (although I think the saying is that blood is stronger than water). I'll promise you the always, always, never promise too.

Chrissy, I'm sorry we weren't better friends in high school. I'm so very grateful and glad we're friends now. I think it's a good thing cause if we weren't friends I think we'd get a lil irritated with the brothers! lol. And you are like a sister to me, just like Stacy. I love you too.

Josh, I know you won't see this because you never knew about this site but I want to get this off my chest. I loved you, you abused me. You destroyed my relationships with my friends and lowered my self esteem and self worth. I hated you for awhile. I hate what you did still. But I can forgive you. I will never forget it. What you did was wrong and I hope you are punished by the law for as long as possible for what happened! No I don't want to deal with it but I won't let you go and prey on some other girl like you did me. That would be me allowing you to go free and to knowingly let someone else get hurt. Fuck you you asshole. Just because I hurt you it does not give you the right to slap me or choke me. Even if I destroyed you emotionally it does not give you the right to rape me to try to make me feel like you did. I didn't intentionally hurt you. I hated doing what I did. I felt for over a month that things were going bad. I just didn't know how to tell you because I knew it would destroy you. And because I wasn't sure if that was what I wanted or if I wanted to try and work things out. But I'm glad things didn't work out. You are a dick. You made me think things were always my fault... guess what.. THEY WEREN'T!

Brandon, Now again I doubt you'll read this only because you don't get online to look at these things. I love you Brandon. You should know that. After the first time we had sex, I was in tears and just thinking "oh my god. I want to tell him I love him already" and we weren't even dating. Then we had to deal with this shit with Josh and are actually still dealing with it. Between my lil freak out moments or my low confidence or my horrible thinking. Not to mention the court dates. Moving in here was the best move I made. I feel closer to you than anyone else. I know we will be together for a long long time. I can feel it in my bones. After all I've been through I think you are truely my one. You comfort me when I need it or make me laugh when I think that's the last thing that will happen. You put up with my moods and emotional break-downs as well as my stress out periods. I know you love me. I can see it in you beautiful brown eyes. :)

To everyone else from high school or just other friends I had, I'm sorry from some of the things I did. Others I feel I was justified in doing them. Everyone makes some mistakes and you just have to grow a little to realize them. But sometimes people hurt you in ways you don't see until you get out of that situation. That I think is the hardest to deal with. Seeing the relationship of one you love, become nothing but a way for them to control, use, or abuse you.

I have changed. Looking at the past really helped me to see that.
And damn did I write well when I was upset!!! lol!

Constance Maria *hmm should I?... naahhh*

3 No way... | Tell me...

:: 2006 14 February :: 9.02 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Show: House

Well just wanted to say Happy Valentines Day to all! Miss ya guys!


Tell me...

:: 2005 23 May :: 8.08 pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: spoungebob squarepants

well hell looks like i haven't posted in a long time! I didn't even realize it's been that long! well i've been busy with work and everything. I usually go to chicago at least once a month for a weekend. josh was home this weekend and it was really great. only one small fight.he really made me happy because he skipped school friday to come and see me a little eariler. heh then the awesome part was knowing how much he didn't want to leave me here and go back home. all last week i was in florida. it was pretty great. dad got to handle a bunch of gators *his favorite creature* and i got to see some huge snakes. we went to sea world and did a bunch of rollar coasters. only problem i had was sleeping in a huge bed with danielle... my neice. she kicks and hits and other crap in her sleep.. i could hardly ever sleep. but yeah.. that's been my week and weekend. other than that it's been nothing but work. i don't see many of my friends anymore :( its sad.well right now i'm talking to my friend so i'm going to go now.. maybe i'll update later!! SEE YA

1 No way... | Tell me...

:: 2005 29 January :: 4.26 pm
:: Music: wsnx

oh once again josh doesn't want to spend time with me. and he thinks i don't love him. considering all the shit i've done for him.. that's a totally stupid thing to think. he thinks i don't trust him.. well damn when you tell that day that your not going to spend time with me when the night before you didn't really either.. then what am i supposed to do? sit around for a fucking phone call?! I hate sitting at home.. all i have to do is some homework.. not much at all. gah! I need to do more with different people. but liek usual when i find out i actually have time to myself, my friends already have plans. that's what pisses me off the most about josh. *sighs* enough bitching about this... it's not going to do any good anyways. ARF!!!

Tell me...

:: 2005 24 January :: 10.27 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: none *well other than the stuff in my head*

well now.. this is an odd twist in events. i guess my complaining that all he wants is sex, really got to him. He like won't even touch me now. I find that totally amusing. kissing still goes but no touching. all because he was like really really close to losing me and he flipped out about it. I believe he really cares alot and just needed something to show him how much he really cares about me and that its high time to show it. i was up front about everything. even about my conversations with another guy. he told me not to sugar coat things so i didn't. i think it really hit hard. but so far he's been great. but it's only been a day and i hardly get to see him at all tomorrow. but tonight he took me to see elektra just because i really wanted to see it. hmm. i know there was more.. but i can't remember what at the moment. oh yeah. he wants to help me sell my car so i can get at least what i still owe out of it and then he said he'd help me get the money or give me the money to get a different older car. lol. so then i'd only have to pay insurance instead of 410 a month that i can't make right now. so if you know anyone that wants a 2001 ford focus just let me know? ok??? well it's about bed time here... so see ya'll

3 No way... | Tell me...

:: 2005 19 January :: 7.15 pm
:: Mood: pissy
:: Music: Cartoon Network *tv*

Well josh and I have been fighting so much lately... it's horrible. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I've been trying to talk to a couple people about it. he has a real temper and doesn't know the meaning of compromise. *sighs* my friend points out that i'm not as happy as i used to be... and it's true. I'm getting so sick of all the rules and all the shit i have to do or put up with. But in the same way I'm soo fucking scared to leave him. He's basically taken all my friends away from me. school and work are totally stressing me out... and not many people understand. Right now I just want to crawl under a rock and hide and like never return. Gosh everybody seems to get mad at me for little itty bitty things. no one is ever really happy with me. and i mean no one. not my parents or my boyfriend. i'm just not good enough anymore....ok forget this damn pity party... i'm leavin

3 No way... | Tell me...

:: 2004 3 November :: 6.23 pm
:: Mood: depressed

alright. i'm actually home for once and all i wanna do is cry. i miss him so bad. i'm so used to spending so much time with him and already i haven't talked to him in almost 20 hours. :( this will be the first day in almost 6 months that i haven't seen him. or talked to him. my life is just going down. work is a bitch i can't stand the boss. and as for college i'm all stressed cause i feel like i have so much to do.but i can't do it all at once cause then *like now* my brain gets fried. *sighs* i wanna lay down and just pass out and let the world go on with out me. *yes i know i'm a lil drama queen.* but still. i just wanna get this shit done with and move on. i want my life to be in one clear path. i don't want any insecurities or fuck even choices. i want my life mapped out. right now i just wanna scream and tear my hair out cause everything is just a mess! i don't know where i stand at all anymore. i doubt like everything. i hate this. why can't life just be simple. or at least simpler! argh! ok.. time to de-stress... but how... *thinks* hmm well i could play with the pup.. naw.. umm read? no.. oh no. the boyfriend is being an ass.. hmm am talking to people online that's at least intriguing. well i'm gonna go dissappear... see ya'll

3 No way... | Tell me...

:: 2004 23 October :: 4.58 pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: Fall to Pieces - Velvet Revolver

so i have work and college now. quite alot of fun i'd say. i also have my boyfriend who takes up the rest of my time. i'm like never home. it's kinda fun. i just have like no study time. but i think i've been doing pretty well so far. lol. work is ok but i'd rather be back in school constantly. i miss the people and classes. josh is amusing he can be so controling someimes. he doesn't like any of my old friends other than stace and coops and cassidy. but mah. he's also got me all preppy now lol can anyone believe it? besides that i actually like it. well i need to go study :( argh adios

9 No way... | Tell me...

:: 2004 20 October :: 8.14 pm
:: Mood: moody
:: Music: Fall to Pieces Velvet Revolver

all i can say is argh! nothing can ever be simple.

Tell me...

:: 2004 1 July :: 8.33 pm
:: Mood: bitchy

gah my life sucks. no only did i get a ticket and my life was already getting hard... dad took away my car for a few days at least. plus i might just get a car so i can say screw you and get my own insurance but i still have to find a car i can buy :( and i have only about 400.. :( at least after tuesday i will. so not only do i need money for a car i need money for taxes and title plus insurance up front. So i'm basically screwed. :( :( FUCKING-A! it's either that or put up with dad's rules about the car till i can manage to get one. so if anyone knows about cheap cars or could set me up with a deal like payment plan type stuff... that'd be great!!but yeah.. right now i'm going to go dissappear like i really wanted to do last night. ya know since i cried for forever.. dissappearing sounds better now. so see ya!

Tell me...

:: 2004 29 June :: 11.08 am
:: Mood: blah

How to make a Constance

3 parts competetiveness

5 parts arrogance

1 part energy
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add curiosity to taste! Do not overindulge!

:: 2004 28 April :: 8.00 am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: !!!!ICP!!!!

gloomy.... just like Eyore
bah in class doing a project that's pretty much done. and now i have nothing to do. hmm sounds like my summer. all summer i plan on working. by the sounds of it i may be able to hang out some with friends but work is my first priority now. i need the cash. already i have two jobs. horrible isn't it? just turned 18 and i already have 2 jobs. mah its what you get for growing up spoiled and not realizeing how much things really do cost. right now i have just under 200. heh and i was just paid yesterday. its so sad. next fall i'll start college if i have enough or else i'll find a new place to live depending on how everthing works out between my family and a couple people. i figured things would be so great at the end of this year. i mean come on it's the time of your life. the world becomes yours. i dunno. i' just so depressed right now cause nothing is going right damnit. things have changed between my parents and i since i got my tattoo for my 18th birthday. they still haven't really done anything for my birthday. and that makes me really sad. i mean they didn't get me anything at all. my friend stace shocked me, she gave me lots of cash lol. and i was just so stoked and happy. i gave her a kiss on the cheek right there. lol. i just i don't know who i am anymore or what i'm going to do. i know what i eventually want to be doing. but *shrugs* as to if i'll ever get there... that's now another question. after high school i should just leave, start over somewhere else. get a new perspective on things. create a new life for myself and get out of the one i've been living. but i couldn't do that. leave everyone behind and just start anew. i'd go mad first! and as for guys, i know who i wish i could have. but i realize that probably won't happen. last night was the realization of that. it about tore my heart out. and i don't want to start over with guys. i can get to know guys just fine as friends, but when it comes to making that leap... i couldn't. i just couldn't. i wouldn't know if i could trust em or anything. one of the reasons why i find it so hard to let people i've cared about go. because i hate learning how to trust again. i know i trust people more than i should and sometimes that kills me too. just take my heart and lets people stomp on it, crush it to death. well damn you people. why can't you just do that to me, if you do that to my heart too? you think i can live without it? no i can't. somepeople can. but i'm not one of em. my life is full of people and animals that i love, but if one person just takes advantage then i'm screwed. it literally messes with my whole perception of life. i become deeply depressed and although i can hide it at school at least somewhat, you say one thing to me and i fall apart. i dunno. i sound like a person in their mid life crisis tho. lol it's mildly amusing. gah!!! can't i just scream and scare the entire class sitting here in the media center? or just spontainisly combust? or *eyes light up* suffer some mental breakdown that makes me fall off my chair and just sob and yell and not be able to control my actions *other than my bladder and such :P* sorry i'm being very macrabe today. it's just such a damn gloomy day. i mean looking outside theres no sun and it just fits with the mood in me and deepens it. *deep sigh* bah! screw this planet. all we are, are twisted freaks trying to find the honorable way to die. but pfft who needs honor when you feel like you can barely breathe?

1 No way... | Tell me...

:: 2004 28 April :: 7.45 am

yay proms coming up. that's about the only thing good lately. i got a new cell phone and its totally awesome. right now i'm just really worried/nervous about my furture. Nothing seems to be falling into place anymore. last night i just wanted to die. i really did. but hey tho peeps would care it wouldn't do anything and wouldn't mean anything. even tho it'd change everything it wouldn't change what i want changed or help my so called life out at all. even tho i'm so sick of school, i don't want to leave it. I'll be leaving to many of my friends behind.

Tell me...

:: 2004 9 April :: 2.45 pm

He could make me do anything sometimes, just by looking at me in a certain way. Pretty much the way he was looking at me right now

I'm going to stay with you because you need a friend, but that's all I'm going to be. No more sex, no more hands in places they shouldn't be, no more giving you my heart so you can stamp all over it -(sometimes i wish dearly i could tell that to someone and yet i know if i did, i'd hate myself.)

I haven't been around but that doesn't mean I stopped loving you

It's like you're changing so fast, trying to run in all these different directions and all I can do is follow you and hope when you're ready to stop, I'll have caught up

The truth is I still love you and I can't let you go, you're a part of me and I'll always, wherever you go, always have to come and find you.

I never stopped loving you. Even when I was acting crazy, I loved you. I've tried to show you in a million ways but nothing ever got through

I want you to know all the times I said I didn't want to be friends with you, I was only trying to convince myself

Kissing him was like standing on the edge of the world. It was like all my best memories rolled into one. Fifty new dresses. A song I couldn't live without. The sun on my skin.

I just like playing games with people, I always hope there'll be someone smart enough to see through me but you're all so stupid

You and me are inevitable, you're all that makes me happy but if you break my heart again, I'll kill you.

Bright colors are happy - I look good in black.

5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.

Opinions are like assholes - everybody's got one, all of them stink, and nobody cares about anyone's but their own.

For someone I love, I'd die a horrible death, battle the underworld, come back, and do it all again

So many things that Iíve done I regret, so much drama in my life that I wish I could forget but my tattooed skin wonít let me

Half of life is fucking up - the other half is dealing with it

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly

We never really grow up. We just learn how to act in public

Never play leap-frog with a unicorn

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

There are 3 kinds of people in this world...those you want things to happen, those that make things happen, and those who just wonder what the heck happened!

Silence is golden...but shouting is fun!

girls dont lie, they alter the truth to fit their mood.

If a guy ever tells you that you're confusing, tell him he's just not intelligent enough to understand what perfect means...

If you want to know what a paranoid person is like...follow them around.

Doing stupid things is my way of making life interesting.

happiness is like pissing yourself, everyone can see the effect but only you can feel the warmth" - Francesca Thomas

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
Emo Philips.

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
Douglas Adams.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy.

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."
Edgar Wallace

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions." Woody Allen

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who." Joan Rivers

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one." Woody Allen.

I wish I had the guts to walk away and forget what we had but I can't because I know you won't walk after me and that's what hurts.

It's hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does

Love her as if this was your last hour before death would take her away from you forever. Speak to her as if love could carry you through all eternity. Besides, one day you will learn that this is nothing but the truth

Love is when thoughts of but one man fill your heart, when he means more than life to you, when you know you would do anything for him and shall die if he is taken from you.
Desire is when you ache to see him and touch him, when he causes your body to burn and tremble.
Desire does not demand love before it can ensnare you, but desire with love creates a powerful bond

Loving, knowing that you are going to get hurt is like living knowing that you are going to die. But not loving so you don't get hurt is like killing yourself before you die.

You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul

When you fall in love, you feel like a missing piece of a puzzle that's been found.

I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out.

well those are my quotes for the moment. it's all i do when i get bored. a lil lame i know but hey?

2 No way... | Tell me...

:: 2004 3 April :: 4.40 pm

just quotes
Heartbreaks will last as long as you want and cut deep as you allow them to go; the challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them

i'd rather be hated for who i am, then loved for who i'm not -Kurt cobain

If you want rainbows, you have to put up with the rain." -Dolly Parton

I believe in angels, the kinds that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels, but i call them my best friends

a best friend is someone who sees the hurt when your smile fooled someone else

who do you turn to when the only person that can dry your tears made you cry?

how could anyone be alone? there are about 6.2 billion people around us day in and day out..maybe it's not people they are looking for

behind this inoccent smile of mine, lay words left unsaid. words of longing, love,anger, and hate, all repeating inside my head

I'm on a Valium diet. I take four for breakfast and the rest of the day the food keeps falling out of my mouth

It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milkbone shorts

Never let a computer know you're in a hurry

This gum tastes funny. - a sign on a condom machine

If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we all would be millionaires

Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless

Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if we never met... it would have been simpler, yes... Easier, maybe... But then I realized that it also would be incomplete...

There's nothing terribly wrong with feeling lost, so long as that feeling precedes some plan on your part to actually do something about it. Too often a person grows complacent with their disillusionment, perpetually wearing their "discomfort" like a favorite shirt." -Jhonen Vasquez

You make it really hard to love you sometimes

Relationships always start with this heady swoonish period, where the other person is like this new invention that solves all life's worst problems like losing socks in the dryer or toasting bagels without burning the edges. At this phase, which lasts about 6 weeks max, the other person is perfect. But at 6 weeks and 2 days, the cracks start to show; not real structural damage yet but little things that niggle and nag. Like the way they always assume you'll pay for your own movie, because you did once or how they use the dashboard of their car as an imaginary keyboard at long stop lights. Once you thought this was cute or even endearing, now it just annoys you but not enough to change anything. Come week 8 though and the strain is starting to show, the person is in fact human and this is where most relationships splinter and die. Either you can stick around and deal with it or ease out gracefully, knowing at some point in the not so distant future, there will be another perfect person who will fix everything, at least for 6 weeks.

Slowly, the smile I knew and dreaded crept across his face. "You love me" he said simply

I think that you are actually, secretly attracted to all the parts of my personality that you claim to abhor.

He was the one thing that didn't end as planned and I couldn't check him off the way I wanted to.

Just remember, when you're floating up and up in your bubble that bubbles have a habit of bursting, the higher you climb, the further you have to fall

Sorry for all the million and one well meant but badly thought out things I've done that have hurt you. Sorry sorry sorry.

Here she was asleep, holding onto me like I was a life raft or something. There's not a single millimetre of space between her body and mine. I could move my hands and...And anything I liked. Caress or strangle. Kill or cure. Her or me. Me or Her.

I think you and I should go away together. Somewhere. Anywhere. Just the 2 of us, for good. I want to be with you and I think you want to be with me. I'm not going to swear undying love or any of those other things you despise so much but if we don't leave now and together, something tells me we never will. Save each other. Let's just do it before we get too old and scared. All you have to do is say Yes. Take me away from all this, don't let me leave with him. I want to be with you. Don't let me down.

Maybe if we could love long enough and hard enough and deep enough then the world outside could never hurt us again. Maybe.

When we made love, I knew I loved you, I always will and I always have but there's nowhere for us to be, nowhere for us to go where we would be left in peace, that's why I was crying. For all the things we might have had but we're never going to.

Tell me...

:: 2004 3 April :: 4.13 pm

my friends tell me to give up. but i don't think i can even handle life without him. i hate how we are right now. but i love him too damn much. i can't leave him...even if we aren't really together. he doesn't believe some of the stuff i say and is like scared of the other things i say. it's almost a lose-lose situation. but i can't break free. i don't want to. the misery and love is comfortable. its how we are right now that makes me miserable. not the feelings i have for him. i love him dearly. always have. believe i always will. i just don't know what to do or how to handle things right now. god i just feel so lost. i know i have college and that's like the only sure and constant thing in my life. i have a couple friends who will be there for me whenever i need them and a few others that i'm not really sure about. i'm just lost and alone...

1 No way... | Tell me... | Random Journal