All about me... what's left anyways...


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:: 2003 21 October :: 8.19 pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: Cauterized "My Everything"

thing just keep going downhill. in my life and relationships. with some friends and with james. like when things finally looks up the world tips over and topples me on my ass, with no damn warning! *sighs* I'm at a point where I don't know what the hell to do or where the hell to go. Both personally and career-wise. I'm supposed to be signing up for colleges but I have to take the ACTs and if I don't do well, then I'm sure my parents will be dissappointed. Sure I'll be upset but only to a point. I already know what colleges I'd like to go to... and then if that really does work, finacially and all, then if this relationship is serious and real how am I supposed to keep it when we're at two different levels and most likely two different states. *sighs* god for more than 3 weeks i believe I've been in an almost constant state of depression. Brought on by thinking way to damn much. and having way to much input from sources other than my boyfriend. Friends finally wanna be my friend but I barely have time * like them* and can hardly make any plans. People try to give me advice about james or college and its never much I haven't heard. And the advice comes from many people who care alot about me. So I'm stuck.... not knowing what to do.

3 No way... | Tell me...

:: 2003 13 October :: 8.36 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: "Paper Heart" All American Rejects

...... life.. in general
well. so far so good??? NOT! God it seems like this past week has been nothing but a struggle or curse. I've had so many things happen. Last tuesday was on of the worst days of this year if not my life as I remember it. We'll leave it at something bad happened to a close friend. And so wednesday was crappy till i went to james' and was able to forget about it all if only for a little bit. Then James and I fought thursday and friday about what to me were/are minor things. And yet today we fought again. Then I spent like 20 some minutes talking to Tony trying to help him. And I'm getting sick of all ya guys getting mad at each other over stupid little things. Yes sometimes you really have the right to. But others I feel your way out of line. Like I told Tony tonight, sometimes it seems like ya'll are worse than girls. *half chuckle* Oh and to make the rest of my "relationship" troubles worse james keeps forgetting to call. That I so unlike him. I'm starting to wonder tho seriously if something of some kind isn't up. And like as for Chris I thank you for doing that lil name thing in your journal cause that's what I hope to happen right about now. The odd thing is even though I've been more careful about my driving since like last thrusday or so... I've almost gotten into a TON of accidents. It's like my life here isn't going to be much longer. *shrugs* theres a few people that would actually effect. All the rest would be like "aww...HELL YEAH!" But I really don't care anymore. My hair is a semi statement of that *partial giggle* people didn't really liek it when I frist got it and I was like "oh Fucking well" I don't give a damn like i used to. I'm sick of being who people want me to be. I want to be what I want to be. But then I lose everyone I ever cared about. Whats the joy and me-ness in that? I hate hurting anyone. But I also hate being ordered around to much, at the same time i hate being the one to give the orders. Good god. I want to just hide and waste life away under the covers of my bed with my little puppy next to me. Even then I dont' know if she'd stay with me. No one really has. There has been one person i can really remark upon about not leaving me. And I think that person knows who he is. But right now I think I'll sit around waiting for the phone that won't ring and just debate on where my life is going and how i'm going to deal with the new troubles thrown my way. *sighs* well.... adios ya'll. Maybe I'll see ya again.

2 No way... | Tell me...

:: 2003 26 September :: 7.05 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: "Someday" Nickelback

oh yeah baby *sarcasm*
Hi ya'll. How's everybody? better than me i suppose. I haven't done much of anything besides get my ass into trouble in many different forms *shakes head* and work OH! and school and all the homework from that. Haven't hung out with many people at all lately. Either I've been too busy or else they have other plans. *shrugs* That's life right? heh. I did recently dye my hair and i'm putting the black low lights to it this weekend. I work and have powderpuff practice and so far that's all i'm doing. and knowing the people i'm around it will be all i'm doing. Well I just got the new Nickleback cd. :) I'm listening to it right now. That so far has been the highlight of my weekend. hehe sad huh? well getting online is a pretty good accomplishment for me right now anyways. Not that i'm grounded or anything... I just usually don't have the time. Not with my new puppy around and stuff. Well I'm taking off. till next time.

3 No way... | Tell me...

:: 2003 20 September :: 2.32 am

Hey ya'll! Guess what? I actually have access to a computer for a few. I'm spending the night at my friends house tonight. this is the first time almost all summer that i've gotten out of my damn house. It's kinda great. I had a crappy day though cause dad didn't let me do jack. But on monday I should come to school with a new *look* hehehe. Ummm... yeah it's like 2:30 in the am and no one's online. :( what's up with that people??? Are ya'll just pansys that just can't stay awake?! LOL just joking! But yeah. I was kinda hoping James would be on... oh well. I suppose. Well I hear it's "nap time" over here since we need to be up by 8 in the morn. lol. and i have bunches of shit to do tomorrow. lucky me. well! Talk to ya'll next time i have a chance to actually post.


1 No way... | Tell me...

:: 2003 10 August :: 10.05 pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Nirvana

yay going to go camping for a few days! i can't wait. i went and spent the night over at my uncles last nighl..... that was great. and I got to see my friend Buck yesterday that I haven't seen in years... literally. and I got to go to david's party on friday and see my boyfriend. we wrestled around and played some b-ball and just had some good ole-fashioned fun :P OH! I dunno if i've told people but I finally have my belly button pierced! I absolutly love it! hehe. it didn't hurt and it's healed real well. I just changed the ring tonight.. and it's only been like 2 weeks and it didn't hurt at all to change it. In fact, I barely felt it. *sighs* Chris if you even read this... I know it's early but I hope you have a good 16th birthday this Saturday. and I hope things get better at your house. Well.... I suppose I should go finish burning cds for the trip and finish packing.... but I really don't want to. lol. and I'm starting to wonder cause I suspect Chris of talking to dad and telling him things that I wouldn't want him to know. hmmm... I never thought Chris would do that... I trusted him. *sighs* so much for trust tho...*sighs again* well... I'll live. Things aren't bad at all here so... so far so good.*shrugs* well I'll get back Wednesday from camping so maybe i'll post then and tell ya'll how much fun *sarcasm* it was. :P hehehe
~Chao ya'll!

2 No way... | Tell me...

:: 2003 3 August :: 7.36 pm
:: Mood: bored

*sighs* i just don't know how to handle things anymore. I had a great day hanging out w/people yet at the end of the night I just felt like crying. *sighs* so much for that right? And the whole thing is I really don't know why... *sighs* I feel bad about hurting Christopher. But w/everything going on.... It's like how can we last with no contact? I mean when he lived in Grand Haven we at least had e-mail. But *sighs* Plus James has been on my mind. He's like the one person every guy is compared to. *shrugs* I don't know why... but he still is. We both want a fresh start... and to take things slow *although we've already rushed things a bit* He still doesn't believe that I want to try things out from like scratch. I figure after 8 months and he's still in there alot.... and the feelings are still there and pop out unwarrented occasionally, why not just try it and see where it goes? *sighs* I know people will hate me saying that and most won't even understand why, considering how much the two of us have hurt one another. but.... if I get hurt it'll be my own fault this time. I know it. ANYWAYS! I finally have my own computer... in my room!!! Only problem..... no internet at the moment.. so I'm on the regular house computer. Well I should prly get going...if ya'll wanna complain or yell at me just do it and get it done. I will try to explain myself to the best of my ability but if you yell at me... I'll prly have a short fuse as well. Just a short lil warning.

2 No way... | Tell me...

:: 2003 24 July :: 8.10 pm
:: Mood: amused

wow what a fun summer! dang. hehe my stupid car tires.. accidents... trouble.. parties... more trouble... movies and getting my way oh and talking to people I haven't in ages. *sighs* man there's one person I really NEED to talk to. and another person I'm just missing. *half snicker* Sorry ya'll. *sighs* sorry this is gonna be short. I can't really tell any gory details about my life right now anyways :P

2 No way... | Tell me...

:: 2003 3 July :: 3.37 pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Smile Empty Soul "Bottom of a Bottle"

wow.. it's taken about 7 months for things to really fall apart. I feel like I've done nothing but destroy his life. His dad wants him to leave me but he can't. My dad's like well you should have known it would happen. I feel like doing nothing *cept crying* and my parents are all like you wanna go to a movie or swimming? it's all Ican do not to tell them off. I love Chris so very much but I will not take parts of his life away or make him feel like he's missing out. I just love him and want to be with him... maybe it's too much like the rents think. oh well.

6 No way... | Tell me...

:: 2003 2 July :: 8.58 pm

quizes... i'm bored tryin to dl songs
You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You Are Love
You are Love.

You love life, you love all those around you and
the world that you live in. You are happiest
when you are doing something for someone else
or for the common good of mankind.

What Emotion Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Neo
You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and

What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
You're Perfect ^^
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Goddess of the Night. Beautiful yet a strange
darkness and sadness lurk about you.

What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Lamentations
You are Lamentations.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
that one totally fits me... right Kate?
The Lost Soul
The Lost Soul

What sign of the Black Zodiac are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Tell me...

:: 2003 2 July :: 8.00 pm
:: Mood: tired&depressed..yet anxious
:: Music: lillix It's About Time

well this weeks been fun. I've spent the last 3 day's with Chris. and it still isn't enough. I already miss him and we just dropped him off not an hour ago. well yesterday we went to Michigan Adventures and spent the day there. lucky me i was the one that got burnt. :P oh well. it's half tanning down. then today we went to Silver Lake sand dunes and to Lake Michigan with my family. but geez... i can't stand it. it's like everything i do is wrong. especially with my dad. i can't even cuddle with Chris without dad thinking we're doing something or something. everyone fricken thinks we're getting "to close to fast" and it's driving me nuts!! I wish they'd let us make up our minds. But no he's too young and i'm his first in like all senses of the word so it's stupid for me to even think that what we have will last forever. but... dad says if it were someone older then it wouldn't necessarily be that way. god i'm not Chris's first love. I'm the first it's gotten this serious with. as with him to me. or how ever you want to say it. sorry you can tell i'm like ... exasperated. *sighs* i really wish my parents would just cool off or back off more or else they'll be in for a shock when i leave. *sighs* only 9 more months and i'll be 18.. then i can really move out. *shakes head* if i can last it here that long. those of you who would try to sway my mind don't try. i'm sick and tired of putting up with things here and can hardly handle things right now. I realize it'll be alot harder out there on my own but i'll have the support of those that love me... i hope. anyways. *sighs* this friday the family is supposed to go up to my uncle Jim's and i was supposed to take my Christopher but now dad's acting like Chris and I have seen enough of each other for a while when this is the first few times this entire summer i've even seen my boy. Dad might have to go back to south carolina and he wants me to go with him.... I really don't want to but don't want to stay with my grandparents because mom'll be gone on a work trip as well.... :( and i really don't think i can stand a week with my dad in a place where i can't get away at all! *sighs* i just don't know how to tell him and what-not. Crimeny. just get me out of here............. i know i'm spoiled but everything of that is what my parents want. god help me i'm ready to leave it all behind and say f-off. *shakes head sadly* i just can't do nothing right anymore. and i don't know how to change it without like changeing me or leaving chris *which i think would make dad happy even tho he does like him..... he just wants him as my "friend" and yes he did say something of the sort this morning*.... oh well.... just a lil more time that i must bide..........oh well. Hope everyone has a happy 4th!!!!!

Tell me...

:: 2003 17 June :: 11.00 am
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: listening for kids....

oh how fun
well my life is just grand. this is the first time i've actually sat at a computer in over 2 weeks. and i'm babysitting hehe. oh well. *sighs* my dad's still being a dork. he took my cell phone away. that means no more talking to chris and....such. :( :( *sighs again* i'm very happy chris got my journal all straightened out. very happy indeed. My summer's gonna suck untill i get ungrounded or out of the house. whichever comes first. that all depends on chris' mom tho. heh. I have big plans...just waiting to execute them. thank you james for doing what you did and thanks for saying it's just a story when you had told me about it yourself. see... that's the only "shit" i've talked. unlike another person i know. I just try to ignore you and it. because you just want to hurt me again and guess what boy? pretty soon you won't be able too at all. cause your opinion of me will be lower than scum. there we go i feel a little better now. well since i'll prly only be on a comp once a week.... and this will be my only contact with the outside world *thanks to james* hope ya'll have a nice week!!


5 No way... | Tell me...

:: 2003 14 June :: 1.15 am
:: Music: AFI - Girls not grey

..*shrugs* i duno
Well now pretty much everything is straigtened around on this journal and stuff so yeah..connie can use it again. Well im gonna go and update mine now..


Tell me...

:: 2003 10 June :: 11.55 pm

Hmm...well now that that is done..time to do some fixing to this journal..


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