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Eyes are the size of the moon...

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:: 2011 17 October :: 3.10 am
:: Mood: pissed off

Dear Rachel, moose, and Tom,
The world may have well as ended.

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:: 2011 14 October :: 11.01 am

I think I was cheated on.

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:: 2011 23 August :: 10.40 am

Not sure what kind of mood I was in two slots ago but I'm having memories flood back like CRAZY lately. I miss him. He's single- and back in alpena. Lucky me.
I've been really crappy and reclusive this month and it's so weird...
I care. But in a different way now-

Still nothing from Meg still. Shes been gone 2.5 weeks and texted me saying she'd call and i haven't even gotten so much as a hello the whole time. So when my sister and I are disconnected, I am disconnected from the world.

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:: 2011 8 August :: 4.44 am

What happens when the one person you count on most in this world let's you down.

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:: 2011 20 July :: 12.31 am

Ok. Still not packing anymore for n.c. However I've gotten to the point where I'm not crying about the dirtbag anymore. I'm pissy, annoyed, and kinda sad still but it's kind of whatev now. Going nowhere. He's got a new girl- now to find me a new guy...

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:: 2011 11 July :: 2.33 pm
:: Mood: Just sad

Just another disappointing day. After these past few weeks of excellence having Jen and Scott, Steph and John, and Rach things have been so nice. The fireworks, bonfires, going to the beach, I had yet to start thinking about N.C.
This morning, I drove to town for boxes in which I returned home to fill them. I started with photo frames, looking, reminiscing, crying. I texted Meg this and her response was polar opposite of what I expected.
Basically, I quit my job for no reason, told everyone I was leaving, was starting to get excited to be with my sister away from this drama filled town- all for... Nothing.

If I'm not ready for school, quit shoving it in my face. Who's to say when I will be? ME. Don't keep saying 'come live with me' if you don't want to accept me for me. You're supposed to be my best friend. Not the wall I'm supposed to climb.

Today has taken a shitty twist. Especially when I woke up after an awful dream, trying to keep a good mindset by this:

'U can spend minutes hours days weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation : trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened - or u could just leave the pieces on the floor and move on' -Tupac

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:: 2011 11 July :: 11.25 am
:: Mood: crappy

I'm still so sad here. Not here, but where Mousseau and I stand.. I can't seem to accept the fact that it won't work. He still visits my dreams, I see him almost every weekend, not by choice. I don't fail to admit I'm running from him. Running from what I thought was a perfect love story. I just want to be wrapped in his arms. I feel infatuated. Want it to go away so I don't have to be sad kel anymore :(

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:: 2011 21 June :: 1.11 am
:: Mood: pleased

Fuck fuck Fuck
Fuck you, Chris Mousseau. Fuck you with a big fat punch in the face for making me feel this way!!! I wish I could hate you with every cell in my body but that's impossible for some reason. Fuck you for the things you said, for the shitty ways of breaking my heart not once but TWICE. Fuck. You.
Fuck you for meeting other girls and adding them on fb and saying you miss them just like you used to miss me. Fuck you!!!!!

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:: 2011 20 June :: 4.43 am
:: Mood: lonely

Things are still hard. You're still on my mind. It drives me crazy. You, drive me crazy. I just want to feel normal. Waking up last night you were the first thing I saw. Across the room, which was my first problem in itself. My knees gets weak, the butterflies start fluttering, organs have dropped to the floor. I freeze up and think of everything I want to say, only for it to come out silent and unheard. I never thought a breakup could be this bad. I miss you so so much still, everyday you're on my mind. I miss your voice, the feel of your skin, your laugh, your face. I just miss you, so much. So so much...

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:: 2011 22 May :: 11.31 pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: Ingrid Michaelson

Oh no,
I just can't seem to get it together and things are getting worse. Worse in a sense that I'm back on bad things because it's easier to get high then to accept reality. It's easier to sit here and cry or walk on the beach with my headphones blaring and cry. It's easier to be sad than happy.
And I keep telling everyone I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay like maybe I'll start believing it and it's so hard to convince others when you can't even convince yourself, but who really wants to hear that I feel broken and lost and so damn alone when they ask how I am?? It's like I'm falling apart again and I hate being so helpless but I keep thinking really horrendous thoughts when I'm driving or when I'm walking on the beach but I just want to be alone, all alone with nobody to talk to just so I can cry and grovel in misery.
I was clean for almost a year. I made it almost a year. A year. A fucking year!!!!! We'll see where it goes from here.

So this is what a heartbreak is...

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:: 2011 17 May :: 2.46 am

Today, I realized how angry of a person I am.

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:: 2011 16 May :: 1.03 pm

Woke up after an amazing dream and I'm in a bad mood because it was just that. A dream.

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:: 2011 16 May :: 3.41 am
:: Music: Mean - Taylor Swift

It's those things you hate about yourself that someday someone would love about you.
I don't understand why I'm getting calls, just to say hello or goodnight. I'm finding myself overanalyzing this stupid situation over and over and getting nowhere. I love the sound of his voice, it makes me all warm and cozy. And the cute birthday voicemail I got last night from him. Why must we play games? I'm over this stage in my life; we're adults and he needs to grow up and figure his shit out. It's not like I'm putting forth much effort to stop this so-called 'friendship'. I just want life to be RIGHT again. Right.

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:: 2011 16 May :: 2.43 am
:: Mood: Hurt :(

Let's update.
1. I am sore.
2. I have a bruised eye, a scraped knee, a knot on my spine, a lump on my boob, and I can't really move.
3. Going along with #1 and 2, when I poke my body it feels bruised.
4. Everywhere

5. Don't remember hardly anything about my 22nd. Rach had the best surprise ever- we were getting ready and Jen and Scott walked in with Bridgette, Jill, and Tony!!!
6. It was THE shit.
7. I got very intoxicated.
8. Hence I don't really remember much of the night.
9. The stories are funny though, got kicked out of Sneaks like 4 times... Kim tackled me in the parking lot. And punched Helwig in the face.

10. FABULOUS night. :)

11. Moose :(
12. :(
13. :(

That's all I got. :(

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:: 2011 14 May :: 2.40 am

Regret nothing regret nothing regret nothing. I don't regret anything. Even being on probation. But I regret Mousseaus decision, oh so much. :( it's so loud inside my head. WTF. That's on my mind. WTF. WTF Mousseau ;( damn heartache is what you cause me. :( sad kel. Single kel, sad single kel, single single, how I despise being single. Hate it. Hate it so much I could scream. Single. I am SINGLE.

Bull :(

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:: 2011 14 May :: 2.33 am

So I'm a little tipsy and I'm sad. I could scream my guts out right now. I'm just so sad :( soooo drunkenly sad :( it's my birthday. Sad kel :( sad sad sad :(

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:: 2011 13 May :: 10.21 am
:: Music: Words I never said- lupe fiasco ft skylar grey

Oh kel :(
So I am definitely sure about my insomnia returning being due to Moose. Isn't this ridiculous? I've woken up every morning for the past two weeks around 6 or 7, then I'll doze on and off until 10. I was cured... I had been sleeping like a baby and now I'm stressed and confused and lost. Again. And I gave my melatonin to Shawna. Basically, I'm pissy because I got dumped unwillingly.

I can't even stress how awful I feel and how badly this sucks. I've been lying here for two hours. :(

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:: 2011 12 May :: 11.45 pm
:: Mood: Still bummed
:: Music: Mean- Taylor Swift

You can't just go around hurting people like that.
Another day gone. I honestly hate this single bullshit. I'm pissed and bummed and annoyed and hurt and all of these emotions rolled into one heaping, weeping mess of a girl. I was NEVER one to let a guy get me so far down. I just feel like I wasted my time. And that sounds so horrible because I wouldn't change a single second of time I spent with him. He is a treasure.
But I am also a treasure. I'm so content with who I am it scares me. I know I'm fun and nice and beautiful and it just doesn't even matter. Obviously everyones perception of me is whack, because I keep hearing these things over and over and I can't help but wonder why the ONLY one I want to care enough doesn't, why I keep giving these people my all and I just get tore down in the end. I just think he took the easy way out. Life isn't easy, there's no help button you click, there's no magic advice ball to use. Life is complicated and horrendous and you get OVER these hurdles and they make you stronger to accomplish the things in life that you are fated to do.
And I know, I know, that I need to take my own damn advice but never have I ever felt this way. That instant connection that I felt, the connection that when I'd be in a piss poor mood and someone would say Moose, I'd feel FABULOUS.
Regardless, I will be strong and stop breaking down. I am kel. Somehow I always bounce back...

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:: 2011 11 May :: 9.23 am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: Story of Us- Taylor Swift

Another heartbreak for Kel
The greatest irony of life is loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone after that person walks out from your life and sometimes you think you're already over a person but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again. For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much you love the person. Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love; love is always present. It's just the one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little as we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right. Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love only to discover that for them, we are just for past times, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger.
Here's a piece of advice: let go when you're hurting too much, give up when love isn't enough and move on when things are not like before. There is someone out there who will love you even more, surely then, you will know true love.

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:: 2010 1 April :: 1.57 pm
:: Mood: sad

Damn, I remember writing in this thing every fucking day since 9th grade. They're all private entries now, if you're wondering.
I'm still here.

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:: 2008 16 April :: 3.06 am

You're gonna be the one who saves me.
Today, Jenni and I took a day trip to Saginaw! It was sort of a joke, but we went to eat lunch at Subway with Bridgette in between her classes and then showered and left. We got a lot of talking in and Scott made us pb&j and some presents! It was fun!
The first thing I did when we got there was buy a new bird. It's orange and blue swirls and very cool; I can't wait for it to change!
We went to Meg's house and surprised her with a call, then we went to visit Jules and Tracy.
We tried a Sobe bottle and it totally worked; it blew my mind. Who knew?!

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:: 2008 15 April :: 1.24 am
:: Mood: blitzed out of mind and sight

Second chances are sweet
This was one of the craziest nights I've ever experienced at Burger King. SO fucking nuts!
It was Jenni's very last day. I was working on Bridgette's slide show for a class with her and I left a little late and Jen called me on my way over and asked if I was coming. I was about 8 minutes late. Turns out she was getting an O.E.R. and we ended up failing. It was a highly stressful last night that nobody least of all Jenni needed. :( The end was totally worth it. We closed the dining room 2 hours early and that's when everyone came. Bridgette brought wine-coolers for us and weed, Andy and Ashley came with weed, Kayla and Ash came, Scott came with a joint, Rachel brought brownies and weed. It was so fun and crazy and relaxing and wonderful. We closed drive-thru early too. Amazing :)
I gave Jenni a ride home and we smoked a shit load and I ended up crashing there, thankfully because I was still nervous to go home. We watched a movie, Pulse of One Missed Call or something. I can't remember. It was good though! So I'm heading to bed and I feel so fucking baked right now. :D

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:: 2008 10 April :: 11.10 pm
:: Mood: sad

You realize you have a lot of shit when you're packing it up to leave.

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:: 2008 29 March :: 1.22 am
:: Mood: okay

Smoking away
After Mom's party I stopped at Jenni's; she wanted to cheer me up and I wanted to talk a little. We smoked and I went with her to pick up Scott and we smoked again and watched tv. I love hanging out with Jenni. It's always so mellow. I think that's why she's my best friend. It's always drama free. :)

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