we raise in the morning as a haunting love story. with early fog, pulsing to erase all our worries. all i can want is to kiss on my sheets to the sounds of alarm clocks, a slow ringing proverb of another long week. i could stay here all year if all this were real. we'd build a castle at the foot of my bed. and buy a tin soldier to guard against what we've said. we sleep behind the church where your parents were wed. tonight the stars trace a one-way to heaven and we are the dead. fireflies attempt to retrace the steps we take, hanging jealous, but free. and with approaching revel, the candle you brought will melt to the earth...so will we. we live to get high in the back of our trailers. we'll think we're in love with a showgirl; a sailor all we can feel is there's nothing better to find. the angels were betting, honey, we'd fall out in time...

 

home | profile | guestbook


we grow up. to give up.

recent entries | past entries


rayray

:: 2016 22 April :: 12.14pm

Today marks one month since the accident. I am finally feeling relief after going to the chiropractor. I am still recovering though. Occasionally I have brain fog, or things get fuzzy and I have a hard time focusing. Everyday I am even more grateful that my baby was unharmed in the accident. Last week was the first time that she had even asked questions about the accident. I knew it was going to happen, and I didn't press her after the accident because I was waiting for her to be ready. After the accident she asked what happened one time. And it was literally the first thing out of her mouth after we stopped. From that point on, all she would say was "I hate that lady's car for hitting us. She's a bad driver. I hate her driving". I would always reassure her that the only thing that mattered was that we were okay. I have been trying hard to not harbor anger over the whole ordeal. I am pissed that she wrecked my car. I am pissed that I am still recovering. But the fact that even after all that, my child is okay, makes me not want to hang onto those feelings of anger or hatred. Reagan could have been killed, or severely injured. She could have had cuts ALL over her body from all the glass. She could have been covered in glass, but for some reason she wasn't.

Have you given up?


tuwang

:: 2014 1 July :: 3.02am

I will start this post by pointing out that I typed in my username and password for woohu without flinching even though it's been saved in my computer for 5 years (just built a new PC). I think that says something.

me references will be in italics. ;)

I will continue by saying that I miss me. I'm not entirely sure I know what me is anymore, but I'm pretty sure I miss it. As a disclaimer I will say that none of this is meant to be sad or foreboding in three at all. Just a rant.

I have this notion that any sense of self I had is gone with all the hobbies I used to have.

I understand that being 27 it is a totally normal thing to be unsure of direction and/or choice, what the fuck am I doing?

I had all these plans to do these big things (that weren't one-hundred percent attainable) and now here I am, a cog in the machine.

If I'm going to live in these conditions, I wish I was a teacher at least. At least then I might have the comfort of knowing I'm doing something for the future and our youth whether or not they give a shit (and usually I can't blame them if not).

I reflect sometimes and honestly feel like it's deserved. I've done many things that have warranted my conundrum. So self deprecating I is.

But then there's the other side. Considering I'm with a mother who's in a perpetual mental breakdown and a father who will hate you if the wind changes direction: I'm alive, I eat, I drink, I'm typing on a computer; things can't be that bad.

I almost blame my raising. The raising involving America being the best and being privileged just to be involved. I don't think it's the same anymore. We're not the best. I will soon be a part of a motion picture that someone in Sweden will watch and say "man, I'm glad I live here and not there regardless of how entertaining this drama is". Does that make sense? Basically I have a notion that we will soon be portrayed as less than first world. Not that less than first world is less than anything but... whatever this isn't the point.

My point is all I do is reminisce. I reminisce about times when I didn't have to think so much. I reminisce about the people who made thinking optional at most. I reminisce about love gone, love I wasted, love I should have valued. I was so carefree I felt like love was water; the most abundant of resources.

Now I'm aware; and too much so. I have a perspective of things I've done, things I'm doing, and things I will do. This is equal parts frustrating and enlightening. Equal parts "I want to apologize to everyone" and "want to stand my ground". If I hadn't made the shitty choices I've made in the past, I wouldn't be so enlightened but I wish I could go back and at the least prevent them or remake them.

I've been told by some of the people I love most that I'm not good enough for anything that is normal a lot of my life, when I was young and still today, and this has been the basis of my relationships since I was a tweenager (this is the only word in this post with a red scribble underneath it as I'm typing and I'm proud of that). I shouldn't have said that because now another mistake will be pointed out.

With this said, All i want is to know what I want. I want to know what is wantable. Is there something I should want? Want want want. Need Need Need.

That is all for tonight. Again, just a rant. Have a good night.

1 All grown up | Have you given up?


tuwang

:: 2014 6 June :: 12.09pm

Hi woohu. How have you been?

3 All grown up | Have you given up?


rayray

:: 2013 11 November :: 3.12pm

Yesterday, my mom had a heart attack. This morning she had a heart cath, and it showed that she has a small blockage but they aren't doing a stent because it could cause more harm than good. I was told this morning she would be coming home tonight, but by the time I got to class, they decided to keep her for another day. And the cardiologist told her numerous times she needs to quit smoking. So I am hoping that, the heart attack and the fact she has already been told by her doctor that has been treating her for Lupus, is enough to get it in full swing..

Have you given up?


rayray

:: 2013 2 September :: 9.41am

I started my last fall semester of college last week. So far, I hate it because I have to go to class 3 times a week. But, at least this semester is going to be a breeze compared to next semester.

My mom has lupus, but it's just the horrible rash on her face, no organs are being affected or causing it, yet. She told me that her doctor told her that she HAD to quit smoking, so she is cutting back and going to try the e-cig before she tries chantix. I'm not going to hold my breath. I want to have hope that she will quit smoking and maybe she will even quit drinking or at least cut back tremendously and live a semi-normal life. I'd like to think that at some point in my life, I can go visit her and not wreak of smoke just from sitting on her couch.

My brother had his 6 month check up to see if the cancer is back, and there are signs the cancer has come back, or it's just residue from the hodgkin's that wasn't seen in the last scan. Not sure what's going on, because he hasn't heard from his doctor or had any more tests scheduled.

Reagan so badly wants to go to school, but is too young by a week to start preschool. Preschool that I don't have to pay an arm and a leg for on top of fundraising anyway. I would love for her to go, but I think she will benefit from going to daycare a couple days a week to.

Have you given up?


rayray

:: 2013 28 May :: 10.05am

A year ago today, my brother got some pretty life changing news. It's so crazy and amazing that within the last year, he has found out that he had cancer, had chemo and has been in remission for 4 months.

Have you given up?


jayzulla

:: 2013 21 May :: 11.55pm

Wow. Woohu makes me sicker than FB does. What a shocker. Whaaa Whaa. Keep crying like its sooooooo fucking bad.

4 All grown up | Have you given up?


acidtears

:: 2013 25 February :: 1.38pm

Shoot him, then cut out his tongue. And then shoot his tongue.

2 All grown up | Have you given up?


jayzulla

:: 2013 18 February :: 2.42am

Sometimes I just start shit with people for no reason. You know, because it's fun.

4 All grown up | Have you given up?


jayzulla

:: 2013 12 February :: 11.50pm

Funny how some of yall put on such a pretty front over on that there facebook, then come on here and just bitch bitch bitch. If you dont like something about your life, CHANGE IT.

2 All grown up | Have you given up?


acidtears

:: 2013 4 February :: 12.47pm
:: Mood: awake

Man oh man. Got my old job back :) I start tomorrow. Not a dream job, but it's income. I'm going to have to get back in the swing of using manners and people skills to assholes. Oh well, I did it once, I can do it again.

Have you given up?


acidtears

:: 2012 20 December :: 12.50pm

Well, Tomorrow's going to be incredibly obnoxious.

Have you given up?


tuwang

:: 2012 26 November :: 2.28am

so here I am

constantly basing my life on other people. Need to focus on myself.

Can't do that... hate myself. Help me.

2 All grown up | Have you given up?


rayray

:: 2012 13 November :: 2.44pm

Today I remembered that I forgot to sign up for Spring classes last week, so I got a pretty crappy schedule.. But, I found out that I will be done Fall of next year.. Not sure what I will do when I don't have school anymore.. I will have to go back to work, because I have an ass load of student loans to pay back.. Maybe I can put off getting a job until Reagan is in school full time.. Seems weird that I will be done with college in a year..

Have you given up?


rayray

:: 2012 31 October :: 12.38am

Can't sleep.. Not sure if it's because I don't feel good, or because my mind won't shut off.. 7 Years later and I still can't believe we are together.. Pretty sure neither one of us thought it would last this long.. We sure press each others buttons, and annoy the hell out of each other, we aren't perfect, and we both might be a little on the bipolar side.. But I am glad that I said yes to going on a date with him. I can't picture anyone else I would want to go to bed next to each night..

Have you given up?

Woohu.com | Random Journal