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:: 2009 4 August :: 7.24 am
:: Mood: determined

Ok, so I made up my mind last night to finally lose weight and get back down to my pre-baby weight. Fuck, even if I was at my right-after-childbirth weight, I'd be better off than I am now. The lowest I was after Chloe was 145. And I was soooo fucking depressed and thought I was so fat. Well, here I'm sitting 20 pounds heavier and I'm even more fucking depressed. But I'm also finally being realistic about it all. I know it's not the end of the world. At one point, I was almost up to 200 lbs. In fact, if I had ever dared to weigh myself with clothes on at the end of the day, I'm sure I'd have tipped the scale past 200. And I came back from that amount to end up at around 120...lowest ever being 118, where I supposedly looked "too skinny" but still thought I had some way to go. So I know I an do it. The point is, I need to do SOMETHING instead of just sitting around eating donuts, telling myself I'll start tomorrow. I got where I am right now because I couldn't figure out where to start, so I just didn't do anything. Time to stop that.

And I think I'm a whole lot more realistic about myself right now as opposed to the last time I tried to drop a ton of weight. I just colored my hair a couple of days ago, and it looks fucking awesome on me. And I was standing in front of the mirror last night and I realized that I don't look awful. I look...ok. But, I did look a hell of a lot better when I was 20 lbs lighter. Not even at my lowest weight, just 20 lbs ago. 145...the upper range of my "target weight." Not that I want to stay there, but I think it's good to realize that I don't have to be stick-thin to be beautiful. And that gives me hope. I can say, ok, I'll lose 15 lbs by my birthday in 2 months. That seems doable, considering that the first week anyone goes on a diet, they drop 5 lbs of water weight in the first week. I'll shoot for 20 lbs by Halloween. 30, not the full 40, by Christmas because I know those last 10 will be a bitch to get off. Pre-baby weight or better by Chloe's next birthday in May. And do it without starving and throw in some resistance training so I get some muscle tone and less hanging skin, which is what I had the last time, even at 118.

I gotta scram for my WIC appointment, but I think I got a pretty good plan set down here.

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