2004 24 May :: 11.01 pm"I find it kinda funny
:: Mood: cynical
hide my head i want to drown my sorrow
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had..."
What is today anyways? I have already lost track of all the days. Everything seems to run into each other. A waking dream. I have the time now to do the things I want to, but I have no drive to do them. I sit on my floor and think, I sit in my little corner and cry. I'm waiting for the day I feel good. For the day I feel right in my skin. Why is it that I feel this way. I feel so trapped, so defeated. I need to get out of the house, but left to my own devices I just sit in my room in my bath robe. It is indeed a very mad world.
I went to the library today and updated my card. Yup, I am officially an adult in the eyes of the Palm Beach County library system. I feel kinda special. I got two new books that I couldnt wait for them to come out on paperback. Naked Empire by Terry Goodkind and Cerulean Sins by Laurell K Hamilton. They are two of my favorite authors. Their work is mind blowing. I started Cerulean Sins today and I am already halfway through it. That just shows how much free time I actually have. That and the fact that I am writing in this joural more. How sad is that??
My dad is already after me to get a job. I swear I have not be graduated for more than 72 hours and he is already pushing. I have to wait for the place to be finished before I can work there. They are like, "Get a job while you wait for that." Ok the place isnt that far from being done. They just have to finish the walls and move the shit inside. By the time I get settled in a job I would have to give my two weeks notice. Its pointless. Dr B just better hurry up cuz Im getting the heat at home. Cant I just have a little break. Although being in this house is giving me cabin fever.
Its late, Im going to see what on tv then I am going to bed. I suggest you do the same.
2004 24 May :: 12.07 am
:: Mood: bored
later that night...
Well I still have nothing very interesting to share but I need to do something to alleviate this boredom!! This weekend has been amusing. Friday I had cheesecake factory and then saw Troy with THREE of my bestest buds, Lauren and Jessica AND Richelle. Mmm, naked Brad Pitt. I swear, I bet he walks around naked all the time cuz he is so fucking hot. Saturday was graduation and the sadest day yet. The last time I will see the man of my dreams. *sigh* I keep telling myself to get over him but alas my heart has a mind of its own. Maybe it will get better now that I am never going to see him. I dont much like the sound of that but what can I do?? Had cheesecake factory again and they had to roll me to the car. Got lovely graduation presents and monies then went home. Movies with Hillary and the family later that day.
Today movies again with Lauren and Jessica. Spent about an hour arguing in a 3 way conversation about what to do. I admit I was the dificult one. I dont know what I am going to do with myself tomorrow or the rest of the summer. I am so fucking bored, I might even start cleaning and organizing my room. Can you believe that?! Well its getting late so I better be off to bed. Thats the only thing I can really do now...
2 scratches |
2004 23 May :: 1.44 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Mad World
Its a very real world
typing typing typing, lalala, typing on my NEW LAPTOP!! Ahhh, love the laptop, pet the laptop, good laptop.... ok enough of that, but cant you tell that I love my new laptop??
So this is what it feels like to be a graduate. I dont feel very special. In fact, I dont even feel like I have graduted. The only good thing is now I can be a complete bum until August. Well that is until I have to get another job, but thats not until the place is built yet. God, I am soooo bored! Somebody call me this is pathetic. And it is frickin freezing here in my room. It feels like I am in Antartica. Brr!
Well I guess I will call someone cuz no one seems to want to call me :( Talk more later when I have something intelligent and interesting to share.
2004 22 May :: 7.25 pm*Warning this is a work in progess*
:: Mood: blah
work in progess
Imperceptible and indistinguishable
Small and slight
Crying and lying
Screaming and dreaming
Quiver and quake
Shiver and shake
Monstrous and vile
Cryptic and hostile
Longing and wanting
Beaten and broken
2004 21 May :: 12.03 am
:: Mood: hopeless
I feel like such a total waste of human life. Why do I even bother anymore?
2004 17 May :: 9.13 pm
:: Mood: mad
life is a bitch
why cant life be fair. I am so mad about the outcome for officer core next year. The whole thing is just so fucked up. Jess, if your reading this, I'm sorry you got screwed over. You deserved it and earned it in everyway. Dicillo is just to stupid to see how great you are.
I fought tooth and nail to get her co-captain, as did many of us, despite the fact that Dicillo was going to do what she wanted anyways. I cried later just because of the outright unfairness of it all. Banquet was full of tears, some happy, sad and bitter. I will miss it all, despite how unhappy it made me at times. The slide show was really good and the collages were fucking awesome. Thanks Lauren and Jessica. I hung one up on my wall and the other is on my dresser.
Well school is basically over for me and I couldnt be happier. Just one more exam on thursday and graduation on saturday. Woo hoo. Ooh and guess what. I won some award or scholarship. I dont know what it is though. I will find out at the Senior Awards Night.
just got off the phone with the jessica brandi. Always fun talking. Bah! I should go, very sleepy now. Write more laters
2004 15 May :: 12.01 am
:: Mood: quixotic
:: Music: Mad World
Lost in Translation
I seem to surprise myself lately. Last night was the last show for the seniors on Eagle-ettes. Its a very good thing, since I am a senior. I think I'll miss it though, the dancing and the people. But as I sat on a curb side with one of my best buddies, trying to talk her stomach out of throwing up, it hit me. We chatted about guys and how dependant we are becoming on alcohol. I had this black hole in me, eating away at me, and I didnt even realize it. The whole Eilan incident is just weird, I'm not sure how I feel about it. I dont know how to explain this overwhelming feeling of depression and helplessness I am feeling. The guy asks about me and gets excited when I come around, but I know its not because of me. Its just because I get drunk and I look like an easy lay. I'm scared. I'm scared of what I am going to do to myself. I have this feeling that I'll never meet anyone. Its no ones fault but my own. I am terrified of meeting someone. I realized this sitting on the curb. I cannot imagine a social situation without me being drunk. I just cannot function. I get these anxiety attacks and become all stupid. I like who I am when I am drunk. I like how I can be outgoing and not care. I know Eilan doesnt like me, shit I dont even think he thinks I am attractive. I've never seen him when he wasnt drunk or high, so I'm sure I'm damn hot to him then. I'm scared that I'm only attractive when I'm drunk.
I'm so tired of being this way. It my own damn fault and I hate myself for it. I think I might have a drinking problem, but I dont really care. I can't explain it, but people like me when I am drunk. I'm a different person. I like the feeling I get when people are impressed with how much I can drink, or by what I drink. I've become dependant on it, like I need it whenever I am with people at a party. I cannot imagine ever being with Eilan, or any other guy for that matter, if I havent had a few drinks. I get so embarrassed and retarded around people, especially guys. That all disappears when I drink. However, so does my ability to say no. I just know I am going to sleep with someone, even if I dont really want to. I feel bad, like I led them on. I think to myself, ok this is alright, I'll just do this. I dont know what will happen the next time I'm drunk around Eilan. I don't even know what I want to happen. God why can't I just make up my fucking mind about one goddamn thing? Things are this hard now, and I'm not even in college yet. What am I going to do? I can't shake this feeling, this horrible feeling in my heart. I guess all I can do is just drown my sorrows at the bottom of a glass. At least then I feel better.
2004 6 May :: 9.51 pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: Clay Walker: I Can't Sleep
thoughts at the end of the day
So IB exams officially suck. I hate exams. Bah! I have 8 more. I can't even think about them anymore. So how are things out there in internet land? You know tonight I was sitting and watching my dog. I found myself envying her peaceful lazy-sitting-on-my-assness. I mean dogs have it good. They get walked, someone feeds them and they sleep all day. What I would give to have that for a while. But such is life.
I just finished the Jessica's yearbook. Its corny and mushy but hell its a yearbook entry. [i know ya reading this ya stalker...] I officially suck at writing in yearbooks, I never know what to say. Or I have too much to say and I don't have the words for it. The end of an era is at hand. I hope that it holds something worth it. I am so comfortable in my little routine that I am terrified of the change. I just know that I am going to hate my room mates, cuz I am just a big bitch and I am going to miss home (even though I said I wont). Grrr... I hate how cowardly I am. People like me piss me off. How ironic I am the person that I hate. God is a little bastard isnt he?
I hope it will be ok. It has to be. In the darkest times in my life I always have my friends. You guys make me feel loved and I am eternally grateful for you. I know that some things are possible with you all at my back. Friends are more reliable than family and just as important. I hate that I have to leave so many friends behind, well only a few, but they are that important in my life that it feels like I am leaving a big piece of me behind. *sigh* I am going to be emotional-huggy-sad-cry person for the rest of this month and probably the whole summer. You guys better get used to it now ;)
2004 26 April :: 9.09 pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: Eternal Snow
oh i am so going to cry
I cant believe the year is almost over. It just doesnt seem real to me yet. I am so sad that i am going to be leaving two of my best friends behind. i dont know what i am going to do without you guys (jessica and lauren). just thinking about leaving makes me want to cry. i know at banquet when i have to make a speech, i am going to bust out in tears. maybe i will write a poem, that might convey my sorrow at leaving everyone. this sucks, why do they have to be younger than me?? if they were the same age then they could come to college with me. bah! you guys better visit me and write to me all the time! i still cant believe the end is so close. im scared and i dont know if i can do it. i hope i dont let you guys down. i told myself i wasnt going to cry yet, but why does it hurt so bad to think about it? what will i do without you guys?
2 scratches |
2004 25 March :: 11.26 pm
:: Mood: cynical
lie to me
I feel so lonely and cold inside. I'm confused and anxious with my surroundings. I dont know what I want anymore and its killing me. I feel like a child and I just want to feel the warmth. I want to be held. God, what would I give to be held, to be wanted. Its coming back. I can feel it, see it, even taste it. That person I was, seemingly so long ago. She was a poor excuse for a girl. Always sad, always crying, always wondering why the world had turned its back on her. But I cant hate her, I could never hate her. She's a part of me, and she's slowly taking over again. I dont know why I am reverting to my former self. I didnt even realize it was happening until tonight. I'm crying and I dont even know why. Are the tears falling for the fallen girl that I once was, or is it something else?
"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd."
This is from a poem by Alexander Pope. I love it, I got it from the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The movie was awesome and made me think. No matter how much we want to forget, you can't, you shouldnt. The pain, the joy, the regret, it all makes us human, who we are. Forgeting would be forgetting ourselves, forsaking who we are. No matter how much I understand this, I cant help but to want to forget, to forget everything. I want to live in blissful ignorance. I dont want to intimately know pain and suffering, I want to be innocent and naive. Just lie to me, let me feel nothing and be nothing. Lie to me, tell me that everything is going to be ok. Tell me that you love me...
2004 8 March :: 9.47 pm
:: Mood: procrastinating
:: Music: Portishead: Glory Box
Give me a reason....
I love love love this song. Its the best. Everyone should love Portishead. But anyways onto other things...
I love to watch people. No not in that weird voyeuristic psycho way, but in the curious way. I never realized how alike me and this one girl are. We are working together on a project for biology with another girl. I spent a few hours with them this weekend and I never realized how much fun they could be. It makes me sad that we are just now becoming friends when the school year is all but over. Me and Heidi are alot alike. We think the same way, although I just think it and she says it out loud. We like alot of the same and have similar tendencies. Strange, but true. They are very cool I liked hanging out with them.
Today I shared a drink with him. He offered it to me when I told him I have never tried that drink (Propel Strawberry-kiwi). It was very cool. I got to place my lips on the same container as him *sigh*. Yes, pathetic I know, but I cant help it. I am perfectly happy being a giddy school around him (well not perfectly happy, but close).
I am at a crucial time in my life when everything is getting ready to change. I am a little excited and a little terrified. I dont know what my future holds, I just hope I can stand to meet it. Reality seems to be moving so fast. I can hardly believe that I am approaching my graduation from high school. I mean, I am about to move to college in like, 5 months! How am I going to survive on me own? It is very troubling. I am already starting to have financial anxiety. I hope everything works out. I have a feeling I will be going to bed hungry a lot, since I will be poor :(
I hope I can stand with you all in the end. I hope I can make it....
2004 7 March :: 11.10 pm
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: Tv: Home Movies
This weekend was not very fun. I didn't do anything interesting. i was doing homework the whole time. It sucks. In fact this whole month sucks. I dont want to talk about it...
I was speaking with a friend of mine and how she wanted to read this journal. I am scared to let her read it. I mean, when I went back and read my words again, I felt like I didnt even know myself. I felt as if I was reading someone elses feeling and emotion. Its weird. When I am in intense moments of depression and weakness I write. I am a totally different person. I am afraid of what my friends would think if they read this. Would they want to know me after they see the darkness inside? Maybe when I go off to college in a few months I will leave her with the address. I might let her see then...
2004 25 February :: 4.29 pm
:: Mood: ugly
[Mad Girls Love Song]
i grow tired of feeling this way. every day is the same. i go to school, see him in every class and go home wanting to see him again. i cant go on living this way. i know it is ridiculous to hold onto these childish and naive hopes of a relationship, but i cant help myself. i read through my journal recently and thought to myself "wow, i am pathetic." seriously i sound like some suicidal crazy freak with an obsession for this guy. true, sometimes i do feel suicidal, but really i am not as depressed or as crazy as this journal makes me sound. its just that all these thoughts are jammed in the back of my mind and i have to let them out, lest they take over and drive me insane. its also true that i have very well (and stupidly) fallen in love with a guy who will probably never notice. the things i do to myself, you would think i hate myself (well...)
i just cant stand how whiney and needy i sound. its no wonder i am eternally single. i dont even know what bothers me more, that i am single or the fact that i am still a true blue virgin at the age of 18. not just that i havent had sex, but that i havent done anything whatsoever. i have never been kissed, had a boyfriend, or anything intimate with the opposite sex. i am a virgin in the truest sense of the word. it really bothers me that i am leaving for college in a few months and i am still this innocent. i want to experience love and desire. i want something real. something that is intimate between two people. i want to live...
i know i have said it before, but i have this feeling that i am going to live my life searching for someone who steals my heart. i am scared that i will never find that spark with someone, or worse yet, find it and it is not returned. i have this crippling fear of being rejected. i cannot imagine telling someone my feelings and having them squash my hopes. i dont think i could live with myself after that. i just know that i am going to live life alone, with one heartache after another, until i will want to die. i am so scared of the future. i just know its dark
why do i have to have these feelings? sometimes i wish i didnt care. that i didnt like anyone. why does he have to be so perfect? how can someone so right be so far away? *sigh* when will it be my turn to be happy?
2004 21 February :: 7.47 pm
:: Mood: bored
[havent done one of these in a while]
First screen name: dragon7854
First piercing/tattoo: dont have one, but want one
First credit card: atm card
First enemy: Jackie
First concert: Goo Goo Dolls
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Strangely I think Michael Jackson or Richard Marks
Last big car ride: Road trip to orlando!
Last kiss: never been kissed : (
Last library book: Napoleon (damn internal assesment)
Last movie seen: 50 first dates
Last food consumed: umm...nothing today
Last phone call: Jessica
Last CD played: Miles To Go
Last annoyance: my parents
Last soda drank: Diet Pepsi
Last time scolded: everyday
Last website visited: email
I AM: scared of tomorrow
I WANT: to find a place where I belong
I HAVE: very little patience
I WISH: for things that will never come true
I HATE: crying and feeling useless
I FEAR: everything that I am
I HEAR: the blissful silence of my room
I WONDER: if I will ever find someone to love me
I LOVE: my friends
I ACHE: everyday
I ALWAYS: think about you
I AM NOT: confident or strong
I DANCE: alone in my room
I SING: when I drive
I CRY: too often
I AM NOT ALWAYS: good with words
I WRITE: poetry
I WIN: nothing
I LOSE: myself in the crowd
I CONFUSE: what a guy is feeling
I NEED: to forget my life
I SHOULD: talk to him
YES or NO
YOU KEEP A DIARY: yes
YOU LIKE TO COOK: not really
YOU HAVE A SECRET YOU HAVEN'T SHARED WITH ANYONE: nope
HAVE A CRUSH: haha funny. totally in love with this one guy
WANT TO GET MARRIED: i hope so
GET MOTION SICKNESS: unfortunetly yes
THINK YOURE A HEALTH FREAK: god no
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: once in a blue moon
LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: love them!
CURRENT HAIR COLOR: blonde
CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: little of both
CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: chocolate milk
MILK, DARK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: milk chocolate
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: vanilla
IN THE LAST DAY, HAVE YOU...
HELPED SOMEONE? yes
BOUGHT SOMETHING? yes
GOTTEN SICK? no
GONE TO THE MOVIES? yesterday
GONE OUT FOR DINNER? no
SAID 'i love you'?: nope
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER: no
TALKED TO AN EX?: dont have any
MISSED AN EX?: refer to above
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL?: yup
HAD A SERIOUS TALK?: yes
MISSED SOMEONE?: everyday
HUGGED SOMEONE?: yes
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND?: nope
WOULD YOU EVER:
Eat a bug?: nope
Bungee jump?: nope
Kill someone?: possibly
Parachute from a plane?: no
Walk on hot coals?: are you serious?
Go out with someone for their looks?:no
Be a vegetarian?: hate vegies
Wear plaid with stripes?: dont like either
IM a stranger?: sure
Sing Karaoke?: only drunk off my ass
Get drunk off your Ass?: love too
Shoplift?: no, i'd probably get caught
Run a red light?: yes
Star in a porn video?: hmmm....
Dye your hair blue?: nope
Be on Survivor?: i wouldnt survive
Wear makeup in public?: yes
Not wear makeup in public?: everyday
Cheat on a test?: nope
Make someone cry?: i dont think i have
Date someone more than 10 years older than you?: depends but probably not
Stay up all night?: of course
HAVE YOU EVER:
Wished upon a star?: every night
Found a lucky penny? never any lucky ones
Had a dream come true?: my dreams never come true
Been in love?: right now actually and its killing my heart
Broke someone's heart?: i dont think so
Had sex with a stranger: no sex for me
Been turned on by someone of the same sex: nope
Snorkled: once and never again, intense phobia of fish
Lied to a good friend: unfortunely yes
Danced in the rain: love it
Had sex on an airplane: um no
Swam with dolphins: no
Donated something: yes
Stolen something: no
Achieved a goal: only a few
Made a snowman: no it was too hard
Loved yourself: no
2004 21 February :: 7.31 pm
:: Mood: giddy
:: Music: Miles to go
giddy as a catholic school girl...
oh man, i just got home from his show. It was amazing and it made me fall in love with him that much more. He was awesome up there on that stage, his voice, his movement... Better stop before I start drooling. But seriously, he was so fucking hot up there. Now I have this big smile on my face. Its nice for a change. I feel like its a new beginning. Like maybe I have a chance. The only reason I went to his show was because he asked me. He actually asked me to come! I almost died of happiness on the spot. He actually wanted me to come to his show.
Now I have a new topic for conversation on monday. Later tonight I am going to get fucked up. I cant wait to get wasted. It has been so long. Maybe I will get the courage to call and invite him... Maybe after a few shots ;) I better go. I'm out