Sleepyness and extreme procrastination
Oh man am I exhausted. I got back from New York last night. It was a bad idea to have that many teenage girls in close quarters for five whole days. There was a lot of bitchy-ness and so much PMSing that you could feel it. But beside that I had mucho fun. I love New York city, I am going to live there sometime in my life. Thats a promise. The whole trip me and my little group, or the anti-social circle we dubbed ourselves, were kinda isolated. I just love chilling with them and gripeing about all our issues. I got mad at everybody on that trip except my crew, Jessica, Jeanna, and Lauren. You guys are the best. Here are some memorable moments on the trip...

*snot soup anybody?
*loud texas girls...do they ever shut up?
*the anti-social line
*annoying tour guide from hell
*"hurry up you guys!"
*"oh so you get starbucks for being late?"
*the chopsticks!
*snowball fight at statue of liberty
*iceskating in rockerfeller center
*we have been abanndoned...yes!
*having lauren and jessica making me one sexy bitch
*did you see me on TRL?
*McDonalds every frickin morning...
*what you dont want to go on another tour?
*"the best thing about being a kelsie..."
*WWF smackdown over the remote
*do you smell rank?
*dont eat the yellow snow
*you mean my louie vitton is a fake?!
*bitchy moms
*wanting to kill ms dicillo
*walking in sub-arctic weather
*its snowing!
*jessica, put your scarf on
*talking in the hallway at 3am
*you dont like chinese food?
*"good morning baltimore!!"
*fun fun at the mars restaurant
*the famous blue wall at the empire state building
*dancing with the hotty hot man at the club
*taxi cab-ing by ourselves
*grand total...nine cameras
*bathroom downstairs!

oh there is so much more, but i cant remember right now. overall it was a fun trip, although somewhat stressful. but on to other things. i have been thinking about prom lately and knowing that I am going alone. there is only one person that i would want to go with. since the chances of him asking me are pretty much nil, i guess i am flying solo. and the fast approaching valentines day is going to prove depressing. i always cry on valentines day, because i am always alone. every year i tell myself it will be different, but i wont do that this year. i refuse to set myself up again to fall. this way i cant be dissappointed....oh who am i kidding? this year will be the most depressing yet. i should go, i have tons of homework i have yet to look at.....

does love only exist in movies?

so now your an adult...
I will always remember that I became an adult during the Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King movie. I went to the 10:30pm showing yesterday with my friend and she hits me when its midnight and goes, "hey your 18 now!" It was pretty cool. Awesome movie by the way, I have to see it again. I don't really feel that much different. I can't wait to go clubbin though. I haven't used any of my new 18 year old powers yet, like buy a pack of cigs or a lottery ticket. Have to get on that. The day was pretty uneventful and lacking in the specialosity department. But what are you going to do? 18th birthdays arent that great are they?

I finally got the courage to send and email to him. Still haven't gotten a reply. I can't believe I sent it to him and I haven't gotten a reply. What was I thinking? I think I was on a temporary pre-xmas break high and just did it. I hope its just that he hasnt checked his email and not that he hates me. God, I can't believe how pathetic I am sounding.

Tomorrow I am going to the mall to spend all the monies that I got today. yea thats exciting for me. I cant wait to buy stuff. hehe just what I need. I got $75 to suncoast movies. I love that store. Here is a list of movies I want to buy...

Donnie Darko
A Fish Called Wanda
The Virgin Suicides
Girl Interrupted
Pulp Fiction
Dick Tracy
Tank Girl

I love movies. Did I ever mention that? Ooh I can't wait to buy some new anime too. Im excited. Well, I'm off to bed, then its off the the mall tomorrow. Wow, this is the first night in a while I've gone to bed happy. Did I forget to mention I have a cold and a horrible cough. Its a tradition. I am always sick on my b-day and x-mas....

i want to die
why is it that when you know you are doing the right thing, everything just turns to shit. i can't believe all this happened. first with jessica and now with my best friend in the entire world. i did not tell, it wasnt for us to tell everyone her problems. i was so angry that you kept prying, kept pushing us to tell you when i knew i couldnt. i didnt like having this information, it made me so horribly depressed. then you found out and said it wasnt that bad. this is one of my closest friends life and its not that bad?! im sorry maybe i over reacted, but if the situation was reversed and it was you with the problem, i would be acting the same way. i care so much about her, and for you to get mad over that, for getting mad at me for leaving the fucking table, really hurts me. i couldnt believe you were yelling at me on my cell phone while i was speeding down I-95. i told you i didnt want to talk about in then, i was crying and hysterical in the car, driving my car....i could have gotten in an accident.

i feel so drained. i've cried too much and i keep beating myself up, but im not sure what exactly i did wrong. ok, maybe i handled the situation badly, but you didnt help one bit. i was so worried about her. i guess this is what you get for being loyal. i dont care, i'd do it all over again. i love my friends and would do anything for them. i just feel like i was being attacked for trying to protect my friend. the whole situation was just handled wrong.

i'm not even sure why i am crying right now. i dont even know if you are still mad at me. i'm not even mad at you that much anymore. i just cant believe that this blew up so much. so why is it that i cant stop these tears? you made me feel horrible for being loyal to a close friend. i would have done the same for you, anyday anytime. this is so strange, we've never yelled at each other like we did tonight. maybe thats it. i'm crying because it feels i lost my best friend. its funny. i would be calling you right now to talk about it, but your the one who hates me right now. i dont have anyone to turn to. god i hate feeling this way. i want to die. someone put a bullet in my head. im already suicidal enough, i dont need this bullshit from you. anyone but you. if you only knew what you were doing to me...

i wonder what you would feel like if tomorrow you found out i killed myself. that the world became too much, that you were the final straw that broke my back. i dont know if i can take this anymore. i dont like feeling this way, but there is no stoping it. goddamn it, stop crying. why cant i stop crying?

what the fuck
So much shit is happening right now. My two best friends were fired from work. Now I have no one there. I am going to be leaving after this month, so I need a new job. I'm so sad that they are gone. We went to Chili's right after for two-for-one drinks. I had a couple "sex on the beach". Those are pretty good. That made me feel a little better but my friends are totally bummed. I mean they have to live off what they make, I am still young and live with my parents. I can't believe he fired them....

I've been feeling really weird lately. You know how people say that life is what you make it? Well lately it seems like life is what happens to me. I don't feel like I have any control over anything. I look at things from the outside. Life is very abstract right now. I feel objective towards mew future. I guess its the whole beginning life crisis thing. I got into college (woo hoo go UF) and now I am starting to get the "leaving home jitters."

I'm still completely in love with him. He even proposed to me early this week. I was like hell ya, but I'm pretty sure he was joking. I think his friend overheard me talking about him, so he probably knows that I love him know. Class should be interesting tomorrow...

I am so tired. I have been so out of it. I don't know what it is. I just can't seem to keep focused. I cant wait till my road trip. I can't wait to get rip-roaring drunk on my 18th b-day. Maybe I can get him to come with us, since the threat is not coming. Hmm....I've got some planning to do.

what does quixotic mean anyways?
So it has come to this... The last few hours of freedom before it all starts...the dreaded exams. At least I already did one, and I think it went fairly well. This month is going to be hell. Well at least up until the x-mas break. I was so entirely pissed off yesterday. It seems my plans for a road trip are crumbling before my eyes. My friends are being dicks, even though they dont have them [*smiles*] . Of course I have already booked the hotel, which is awesom by the way. I want to go so bad, I want to have something to look forward to. I mean, God forbid anyone do ANYTHING for my birthday. I just want one night, one fucking night with my friends, partying and getting plastered up in orlando. But hell no, I keep hearing these rumors on the street that no one can go now. Well fuck them. I will go all by myself and get schnockered alone. Its my fucking 18th birthday goddamn it.

Now I feel a little better. I have definetly cooled off frm yesterday. I was steaming yesterday. I'm so tired . I can't wait until this high school thing is over. I find out either this week or next week if I make it into the college of my dreams. Dear God if I don't get in.... I dont know what I would do. Literally, I don't know what I would do to myself. I'm too scared to think about that. If I don't go there, my hopes and plans for the future pretty much bite the dust. Everything will be over if I don't make it in. You know, I just might never find out, since I probably won't be able to open the letter in the first place. How scary will that be? Your entire future held in one tiny envelope. I hope my envelope hold a bright future. God, if there is a God, please just give me this one thing. Everything else goes wrong, but please, I beg you, don't let this go wrong too. I don't think I can handle another let down, especially one this big.

Geez, look at me. I've actually got some tears in my eyes. Getting a little emotional aren't we? [*aw shut up*] ok talking to myself now. Thats when you know you have been seriously sleep deprived, or over-worked, like my poor self. Ok self, lets go to bed. Later all

another pointless holiday
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Well its not so "happy" for me, but whatever, when is anything "happy" for me? I hate thanksgiving, I really do. I hate the fact that I have to sit at the table with family I only see on holidays and try to make useless conversation. I mean, I hardly know these people. Our family has never been close and its sad how akward it is on holidays. But what are you gunna do huh? Nothing. So que sera sera...

However, I do have some good news. Road Trip Baby!! For my 18th birthday me and a bunch of my friends are taking a road trip to Orlando. I am so fucking exciting. And since I will be the only 18 yr old, I am the legal adult for the trip. You all know what that means....PARTY! I can't wait. It sucks cause its so far away, Dec 27 and 28. My real birthday is on Dec 21, but everyone is out of town for that :(

Well I better go. My mom is already yelling at me to clean. I swear I dont understand why I have to clean my room, when NO ONE is going to be coming in here. But whatever makes her happy you know?

sparkling cyanide
Here is that poem that I wrote about before. I'm not sure if I am completely happy with it, so if anyone reads this tell me what you think. Its title Sparkling Cyanide...

sparkling cyanide in a glass
drink it down and drink it fast
flowing through my veins
in my heart it drains
drenching me in purple sin

laced with deception
peppered with desire
restricting my wits
writhing in fire

harsh cold metal
burning against my flesh
lying on the floor
your shimmering whore

blinding white light
everlasting pleasure
distorting my perception
a shameful addiction

hooked on a feeling
a mind whirling trip
lost in the moment
with one single sip

sparkling cyanide
a crystal clear torment
a perversion of reason
screaming inside as i silently fall

[another broken heart]
Men really suck. I mean, what is their purpose but to make women miserable. They play with your emotions, use you and leave you heart broken. I got a dramatic phone call from one of my best friends a minute ago. She is really like my sister, I've known her since birth. Anyways, she just broke up with her boyfriend and is devastated. I am so bad at comforting, especially in an area I have no experience. I really liked him to. He was a nice guy. We used to call him my soul mate because we always said the same things, we thought the same way. Now I hate that idea. Funny thing is, while I was trying to make her feel better, I said something that made her smile. She said "Wow that is the exact same thing "so-and-so" (dont want to say his name) said" She thinks I have a new soul mate. She is going to tell him tomorrow. At least I could do that much for her.

I never felt so inefficient in what I say doing until that phone call. I mean, what do you say to a crying girl? Tell her that everything is going to be ok, lie to her? I told her it was ok to be sad, but not too sad. I'm afraid she might do something drastic. She has been depressed lately and this can't help. Her family life sucks, and she wants to move out. Her father, man what a bastard. I would do anything for this girl. I wish I knew how to help. I am a failure even in this, to my best friend. Am I good for anything?

nothing pisses me off more...
You know, nothing can piss me off more than people going through my things. And you know what I found yesterday when I came home from work on my lunch break? My parents, in my room, messing with things. My mother was on another cleaning spree and my father was on another computer "fixing" mood. I put "fixing" in quotes because whenever he "fixes" something, it is always worse than when it started. I was angry. I hate it when they are in my room without me. I mean, its my things, my privacy. I may not have anything to hide, well expect that shot glass that I borrowed from my parents liquor cabinet, well thats beside the point. Thank all that is good and holy that they didnt find that, or I might not have the ability to type about it right now. But anyways, point is, I got real pissed and started to yell. They get mad, yell back at me. Lesson learned: don't mess with my things...

Wow, I found this awesome radio station on the internet that plays only 80s music. Its called Club 977 and I love it. 80s music is the best. You know I love the 80s. The movies were good, the music was good, and so was the tv. Well, ok the fashion wasnt that good, but everything else rocked. Yea, the 80s rocks my socks. I mean where else can you find a song called "Stray Cat Strut?"

Well I should get going, its getting late and my procrasting must come to an end. I've got a butt load of homework with my name on it. You know I think I've gotten a grand total of six hours of sleep this weekend. I don't think I'll be making up for it tonight either. Oh well, such is life...

i can't resist
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:

01 | fish
02 | bugs
03 | myself

THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH:

01 | hillary
02 | richelle
03 | jessica

THREE THINGS I LOVE:

01 | poetry
02 | him
03 | dance

THREE THINGS I HATE:

01 | ignorance
02 | annoying people (ie chris)
03 | being alone

THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:

01 | biology
02 | boys
03 | life in general

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:

01 | lots of anime cds
02 | a candy wrapper
03 | stack of papers

THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:

01 | drinking oj
02 | listening to the silence
03 | wasting time

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:

01 | publish a book of some kind
02 | have a family
03 | do something spontaneous

THREE THINGS I CAN DO:

01 | speak some japanese
02 | write poetry
03 | count to 3 in French

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MYSELF:

01 | extremely shy
02 | obsessive compulsive
03 | loyal

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY LOOKS:

01 | freakishly short
02 | long blonde hair
03 | female

THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO:

01 | lie
02 | do things on time
03 | express my emotions verbally

THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:

01 | your heart
02 | your closest friends
03 | your head

THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER:

01 | any form of religion
02 | your enemies
03 | your parents

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:

01 | um...
02 | shut your face
03 | ok, I see how it is...

THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:

01 | pizza with pepperoni please
02 | taco bell
03 | strawberries

THREE THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN:

01 | biology and the whole science thing
02 | to be confident
03 | how to be a star

THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:

01 | water
02 | soda
03 | poweraide

THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID:

01 | carebears
02 | pee-wee's playhouse
03 | teenage mutant ninja turtles

whats wrong with me?
I've been thinking lately that something is wrong with me. Ok, so I have known for a very long time that something is wrong with me. My moods have been fluctuating a lot lately. I mean one moment I'm happy and the next I am extremely angry or sad. I've been told that its just what you go through when you're a teen, but I'm not buying it. I dont think that the average teenage girl has suicide on the mind. Now dont get me wrong, I dont think I would ever go through with it; I'm too much of a wuss. But sometimes I just like to sit and think about it, about how I'd do it and what people would say when they found out. I guess I'll never know, even if I did go through with it.

Onto a lighter note.... I think I'm an alcoholic. I have been working on a new poem and I have just recently realized what I was writing about. Its titled "Sparkling Cyanide" and its eeirly similar to what I feel like when I am drunk, particularly on my favorite: vodka. You know you have a problem if you are writing about vodka without even realizing it. I'll post it when I'm done. Oh well, I like it and it makes me happy. I love to get drunk, dont judge me...

Who knew that falling in love meant falling this hard? I never asked to fall head over heels for him, so why does this happen to me? Something is very very wrong with me. I feel like I am ugly, that I'm never going to find that special someone. I am going to be 18 years old in one month. I am probably the most innocent person you will meet. I have never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, never held hands, never nothing with any guy. I have gone through four years of high school without a single date. I cry at night because I know its true, that I am destined to die alone. My mother thinks I am crazy, that I have my whole life ahead of me. But how much different can things be in 10 years? I will still be the same girl with the same habits, the same fears, the same flaws. Why should anything be different. God I hate being this way. I can almost gag on my negativeity, but I cant help feeling this way.

I guess I've talked about enough topics today. They were all vastly different, but who said my journal had to make sense. Its my sorry life. Let me revel in my own pathetic misery....

fucked up

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

??why do i do this to myself??
I can't see why I do this to myself. Honestly, I must be a glutton for punishment. I am still completely in love with him. No matter how many times I tell myself to get over him (and my friends too) I still cant shake the feeling. I know this sounds childish, but I don't think I can. I still cling to that hope that he might actually feel something for me. I don't know, sometimes, when we are together, it just feels so right. When he touches me, I feel like I'm on fire. Everything just feels so right around him. I would kill to know what he thinks of me. We are always partners in class and he even lets me read what he's working on (he writes lyrics). He is an incredible writer... god thats sexy.

I'm not interested in any other guy right now. My friend wants to introduce me to some guy she knows, you know, to help me get over him. I don't think I'm ready yet. Hell, I don't know if I'll ever be ready. I'm thankful he didn't show up to her party this past weekend (I was schnockered). He found out about my drunken party and said next time we could get schnockered together. I naturally said anytime. Maybe that's when I'll have the courage to approach him, when I'm totally shit-faced. Oh, who knows. I have this ominous feeling that I am going to be alone for a very long while. I just don't see myself in a relationship. I mean, who would want this emotional mess? One-sided love really sucks. Love is the best thing and the worst thing in the world...