...god dammit....
Damn you and how perfect you are. Why did you have to be so right? I hate you for stealing my heart, and having no intention on keeping it held tight. I hate you for being so charming, for sweeping me off my feet, even though you probably never knew. I hate that you only have eyes for her, that I hold nothing for you. I hate how every time you look at me my heart melts, and how your smile warms my soul.

I never wanted to know you, if I knew it would hurt this much. Why is it that I am always the one left crying? I hate how you make me feel stupid, how you make me feel special. I hate that I fell in love with you, fell so incredibly hard. I hate that I feel this way, like my heart is falling apart. I hate that you dont even notice that I care for you.

I hate how my friends used to say we are perfect for eachother, and now they say I dont need you. I hate how everything can change in a single moment, one heart-wrenching moment. I know that you have problems, hell so do I. I love all of you, including your flaws. I hate how you dont know how I feel, and I hate how you feel about me. Of all the things I hate, I could never hate you...

Note to self: Don't get drunk when depressed...
Homecoming night was an utter disappointment. As I predicted, everything went wrong. For some reason I talked myself up, thinking that I would finally have my way, but that only ended in heart ache. Everytime I saw them dancing my heart broke. I didnt want to look, but I couldnt tear my eyes away. I wanted nothing more than to be in his arms in her place. Why is it that this always happens? When will it be my turn?

A tip for all you kiddies out there... Never get drunk when you are depressed. Hell, don't get drunk when you are feeling any emotion strongly. After the dance I was feeling extremely low, then we went to a party. I got rip-roaring drunk of course. Well, because I just like to get drunk. But since I was depressed and since I was drunk, I started to say things that I normally wouldn't say in public. Namely, I was speaking about the object of my affections. Luckily, my best gal pal pulled me into the bathroom and talked some sense into me before too much damage was done. I love her by the way, best friend I could ever ask for. I don't know what I am going to do.

I am just going to act normal to him, and I'll still like him. What else can I do. I'll continue to let him toy with my emotions because I'm loves bitch. Thats right, I'm loves bitch. What can you do? Whoever thought it would all turn out like this huh? Unrequited love is a bitch...

feeling lost
You ever feel like you dont know where you are? I feel so confused, so torn up inside. So many things are happening and I can't handle it. My emotions are all screwed up right now and I really really need someone to keep me grounded. I dont have that someone right now. Ever want something so much it hurts? Try feeling like that all the time. My family life is pure crap and my school life is mediocre at best. I love this kid, who probably doesnt even know I exist and to top it off I feel so depressed its a little hard to breathe.

I need some air. A bit of fresh new experience. Is this what I have been reduced to? A whiny little girl complaining to the faceless internet? I dont know where I am going and I dont really care right now. All I do know is that I cant do this anymore. The thing that is killing me though is that I can do nothing to stop it. Nothing to stop this feeling that is ripping me apart. I cant voice my thoughts and I cant express my despair. It hurts so much that I think I might collapse from the sheer weight of it all. Is it possible to die from despair? I might be the first....

big test
ok, real bored so I decided to do one of those long questions list. I don't remember where I got this...

FAVORITE:


..day of the week.: Thursday
..least favorite day.: Monday
..flower: roses
..jelly flavor.: Strawberry
..special skill/talent.: writing
..shampoo: panteen pro v
..summer/winter.: Winter
..trampolines/swimming pools.: Trampoline


LAST PERSON WHO

..slept in your bed.: just little ol' me
..saw you cry.: no one sees me cry
..made you cry.: my dad
..went to the movies with you.: Hillary and her sis
..you yelled at.: My dad
..sent you an email.: adrian

HAVE YOU EVER

..said I Love You and meant it.: Yes
..gone out in public in your pajamas.: yup
..kept a secret from everyone.: Yes
..cried during a movie.: Yes
..planned your week based on the TV Guide.: sadly, yes
..been on stage.: Yes
..been to New York.: yes
..been to California.: No
..Hawaii.: No
..Mexico.: No
..China.: No
..Asia.: No
..South America.: No
..Australia.: No
..wished you were the opposite sex.: Yes
..what time is it now.: 5:25 PM
..blue or red.: blue
..walmart or target.: target
..spring or fall.: Fall.
..what are you going to do after you type this.: watch tv
..what was the last meal you ate.: lunch
..last noise you heard.: the tv


FRIENDSHIP/LOVE

..do you believe in love at first sight.: Yes.
..do you want children someday.: yes
..most important thing to you in a friendship.: trust
..do you speak any other languages.: spanish and a little japanese
..last book you read.: Faith of the Fallen - Terrygoodkind
..name some of your favorite things in your bedroom.: Bed, Computer, books
..things you dislike most about yourself.: my skin and my pasty whiteness
..worst feeling in the world.: being truly alone

OTHER INFO..

..how old do you look.: ranges from 14 to 21
..how old do you act.: too old
..glasses/contacts.: No
..braces.: Used to have them
..do you have any pets.: 2 dogs
..you get embarrassed.: Yes
..what makes you happy.: being with my friends
..what upsets you.: Just about everything

FINISH THE SENTENCE

..i wish.: I could find someone to love me
..i hope.: I going to get into college
..i am annoyed by.: my shyness
..i am.: too insecure
..i want to be.: happy
..i would never.: sing in public
..i'd rather be.: anywhere but here
..i'm tired of.: life in general

LAST

..movie you saw.: Snatch
..last show you watched on tv.: Angel

HAVE YOU EVER

..thought you were going to die.: Yes.
..wanted to run away.: Yes
..flunked a grade.: Nope
skipped a grade.: Nope

HAVE YOU EVER...

1. Kissed your cousin: .. No
2. Ran away: Almost
3. Broken someone's heart: i dont know
4. Been in love: Yes
5. Cried when someone died: Yes
6. Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have: oh yea
7. Broken a bone: No
8. Lied: Yes
9. Cried in school: Yes

WHICH IS BETTER:

10. Coke or Pepsi: pepsi
11. Sprite or 7UP: 7UP
12. Girls or Guys: Either
13. Flowers or Candy: mmm candy
15. Blondes or Brunettes: blondes
16. Bitchy or Slutty: bitchy?

WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX:

19: What do you notice first: Eyes and personality
20. Last person you slow danced with: brian
21. Worst Question To Ask: Your place or mine?

THE LAST TIME YOU...

22. Showered: last night
23. Had Sex: not getting any

WHO:

33. Makes you laugh the most: my best bud hillary
34. Makes you smile: hillary jessica richelle danielle etc
35. Can make you feel better no matter what: hillary
36. Has A Crush On You: doubt anyone does
37. Do You Have A Crush On Someone: yes
38. Who Has it easier? Girls or Guys?: Guys
39. Gives you A Funny Feeling When You See Them: this one guy at school

DO YOU EVER:

40. Sit by the phone waiting for a phone call all night: Nope
41. Save MSN conversations: sometimes
42. Save Emails: Yes
43. Wish you were someone else: sometimes
44. Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: Yes
45. Perfume: No
46. Kiss: no one to kiss :(
47. Romantic memory: not really

HAVE YOU:

48. Fallen for your best friend?: no
49. Made out with JUST a friend?: no
50. Been rejected: yes
51. Been in love?: Yes
52. Been in lust?: Many times :)
53. Used someone?: No
54. Been used?: no
55. Cheated on someone?: no
56. Been cheated on?: nope
57. Been kissed?: no :(
58. Done something you regret?: all the time

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON...

60. You talked to?: jessica
61. You hugged?: mom
62. You instant messaged?: brooke
64. You yelled at?: my mom
65. Who broke your heart? cant say
66. Who told you they loved you?: no one

DO YOU...

67. Color your hair? No
68. Have tattoos? No
69. Have piercings? No
70. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend? working on it
71. Own a webcam? Yes
73. Ever get off the damn computer? Nope
74. Sprechen Sie Deutsch? : um?
75. Habla espanol?: Si hablo espanol
76. Quack?: duck!

HAVE YOU / DO YOU / ARE YOU...

77. Stolen anything? a couple times
78. Smoke? no
79. Schizophrenic? dont think so
80. Obsessive? yes
81. Compulsive? Sometimes.
82. Obsessive compulsive? Not extremely
83. Panic? Yes
84. Anxiety? Yes
85. Depressed? Yes


ok thats it. whew! that was long. I'll come on later. till then....begone! : )

bugger...
Watching Angel right now. Man it is the best show on earth. I love David Boreanaz and James Marsters. Everyone should watch the grooviness that is Angel. But anyways onto other things.

I can't believe how pathetic I am. I am totally in love with this guy at my school. I mean head over heels, goofy smiles, butterflys in the stomach, falling hard for this kid. And of course he is totally oblivious. Being the insane, obsessive person that I am, I did one of those astrological match thingys. And guess what.... we're soul mates! Well, probably not but this is what it said...

"This combination of star signs insures an extremely hot, firey and intense relationship. You both share the need for a strong physical presence, which makes you a fiesty combination, as well as forming a strong bond between the two of you. You have the potential for a long, bright future together, happy in the knowledge that you are soul mates!"

So ya thats what is said. I'm a sagitarius and he's an aries. That's all I am going to say, since many people at my school, including him, have a journal on here. You know, it hurts sometimes, no all the time, to be alone. I look at him and it hurts because I know he doesnt see me that way. Who would? I just find myself thinking "why not me?" what did I do to deserve being this way? Sometimes I wonder the reason for my being here. Oh well, such is life. No one ever said it was fair. I gotta go. Angel is almost over...

Pretty Girl
Here is a poem for your reading pleasure. Please don't steal...

...alternate reality...
Whoa, reality as we know it is altered. I got an A on my history essay. Did you hear that? An A. I couldn't believe it. If you don't know me, then you know this is so out of the ordinary. Amazing. It is so going on the fridge.

Anyways, onto other things. I was thinking today, and we all know that is never a good thing. I was thinking of all the things that I would like to do before I die. Sort of morbid no? Well, if you read this journal, there will be plenty more thoughts of the morbid nature. Death seems to be constantly on my mind. But forget that for now, onto the list!

1. Write and publish a book
2. Fall in love
3. Go sky diving
4. Hug a stranger
5. Get into Vet school
6. Find happiness
7. Travel the world
8. Learn japanese
9. Do something spontaneous
10. Tell someone I love them
11. Confront my father
12. Meet somone famous

OK thats the list for now, but I will continue to add to it. Oh man, I just got home from work and I had so much fun. Me and Brooke, the girl I work with, had to go through the freezer. See I work in an animal hospital and the type of freezer I am talking about was a "body freezer." Dr. Burns wanted us to put all the misc. things in one bag. [dont ask what the misc things were...] It really smelled. But other than that we had fun, I was even sprayed with a hose. You better believe I beat her ass for that... :) Anyway, I got to go. Later

[insert thought here]
Well look at me jumping on the band wagon. Seems like everyone has one of these damn things. Then I found myself completely bored and I thought, "What the hell" and here I am. My name's Michelle. Nice to meet ya. I kinda like the whole idea of writing my problems down where complete strangers can read them. Sort of theraputic (or however you spell the damn thing). I'm insecure, confused, incredibly lonely, insane, depressed, obsessive, a little anxious, broken but still good. But hey, I just described all of the world's youth. Welcome to the insanity that is me...