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:: 2006 20 December :: 10.37pm

Because I'm bored
I stole this survey from Katie.

(1) The singular boring question: What is your name? Beth or Liz or Lizabeth
(2) If you had been born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name have been? John, I think
(3) Would you name a child of yours after you? no
(4) If you had to switch first names with a friend of yours, who would you switch with? Willa
(5) What's the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name? People think the "bouw" part of my name should rhyme with "toe" instead of "cow"
(6) If you were to become famous, would you drop your last name (like Madonna, Cher, Roseanne)? probably not

(7) Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell? no
(8) Do you think God has a gender? not really
(9) Do you think science counteracts religion? sorta
(10) Do you believe in organized religion? I believe that some people get good out of it, and I also believe that it can easily create evil.
(11) Where do you think we go when we die? Back to where we came from.
(12) Do you feel a little funny thinking about the questions in this section? Today, yes. Usually, no.

(13) How easy is it to make you laugh? Fairly easy
(14) What person you know makes you laugh the most? maybe my dad
(15) Do you laugh at jokes you know you shouldn't? sometimes
(16) Do you tell jokes you know you shouldn't? not reallt
(17) What words instantly make you laugh or at least smile? boobies
(18) What do you think is the funniest thing you've ever said or written? hmmm, not sure

(19) Do you ever dance to music when nobody's watching? all the time
(20) What is/are the worst song(s) you have ever heard? this terrrible song about Jesus someone sang at Our Chalet when I was 15...she was this forty-something women just warbling along
(21) What song(s) do you wish you could understand a little better? stairway to heaven
(22) What song(s) are constantly in your head? a bunch
(23) What song(s) do you think describe your personality best? solitude standing and left of center by suzanne vega
(24) If you were to serenade the object of your affections, which song(s) ha, camp songs
(25) If the object of your affections were to serenade you, what song(s) would you hope he or she used? camp songs!

(26) What movie(s) do you love that nobody else seems to? can't think of any
(27) Do you agree with the idea that sequels are always worse than the original? I don't really care
(28) Who's your favorite Star Wars character? Queen Amidala
(29) What kind of movie do you think there should be more of? the humorous kind that still manage to deftly deal with intense issues
(30) What movie(s) do you simply not understand the appeal of? action (the ones of the racing cars especially)

(31) When eating, are you more concerned with taste or healthiness? used to be taste, but now healthiness (to make sure nothing I eat will make me sick, like intense spices or caffeine)
(32) What's your favorite kind of cheese? parmesan (not grated)
(33) What do you think your answer to the previous question reveals about your personality? absolutely nothing
(34) If you knew exactly what went into Chinese food, hamburger meat, etc., would you still eat it? maybe
(35) Do you ever feel guilty eating meat? occasionally

(36) Mac or PC? PC
(37) How much do you actually care about the inner workings of your computer, as long as it works? maybe a little
(38) Do you ever begin preferring IMs to other forms of conversation? only occasionally, for certain things
(39) Do you find you're different talking through IMs than face-to-face or on the telephone? sometimes, with some people
(40) Have you ever ended bid on something on eBay and regretted it later? no, never bid

(41) Have you ever wished you could experience being the other gender? not recently
(42) What do you love most about the other gender? different point of view
(43) What do you dislike most about the other gender? tendency towards ego
(44) What do you understand least about the other gender? um, everything?

(45) Do you sometimes see a movie or watch a show just because a good-looking celebrity is in it? not really
(46) What celebrity's autograph do you want most? Barrack Obama
(47) Have people ever said you looked like a celebrity, and if so, who? yeah, Clea Duval (as she was in But I'm a Cheerleader)
(48) If there was to be a movie about you, who do you think should play you (in personality, looks or both)? that girl who lived down the hall from me last year
(49) Does it ever annoy you when you know someone is a celebrity but you can't remember why? sometimes
(50) If you could enter any celebrity's mind like in "Being John Malkovich", whose would you enter? other people's minds are scary
(51) Do you want to be John Malkovich? maybe if I knew who he was

(52) Do you laugh when you hear or read the number 69? no
(53) Were you lying about your answer to the previous question? no
(54) Do you actually know your Social Security Number? yes
(55) Do you actually know your IP address? no
(56) Do you know what an IP address is? yes
(57) Do you know the four-character extension on your ZIP code? no
(58) Ever thought there were too many numbers floating around in our lives? sometimes
(59) Does your head begin to hurt when you think of infinity, imaginary numbers, irrational numbers, etc.? no
(60) What do you think of pi? it's interesting but not interesting to ponder too often

(61) Did you get a little frightened or uncomfortable seeing this as a section title? no
(62) If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel? awkward
(63) Do you prefer getting to know someone first before dating them or going in "blind"? getting to know them
(64) Could you carry on a relationship with someone with the same first name as a family member? sure
(65) Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out? considering I'm not generally that interested in guys, I haven't put much thought into it
(66) What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment? as long as you're safe about it
(67) Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive? yes
(68) Do you think the opposite sex finds you good-looking? not really
(69) Would you be willing to give up sex in exchange for an emotional commitment you knew would last? maybe
(70) Do you think the number of the last question was a coincidence? no

(71) What is your favorite possession? maybe one of my rings
(72) What physical, tangible possession do you want most? are people tangible possessions? if not maybe a better car
(73) How badly do you want it? I'll live without it...for now
(74) Have you ever seen 'The Exorcist'? no
(75) How long did it take you to understand why the last question is in this section? half a second

(76) Does Christmas music too far away from Christmas annoy you? actually, Christmas music in June is fine...in November it bothers me (and i'm not a huge fan to begin with)
(77) How old do you think you will be before you stop liking getting older? 37
(78) What was the best Halloween costume you ever had? Thessaly from Sandman
(79) What was the worst Halloween costume you ever had? blue (my friend was black)
(80) What holiday do you think has still managed to retain its original meaning? most Jewish holidays other than Hanukkah
(81) There are currently no federal holidays during August- what should be put there? why bother cluttering the calendar?

(82) How good is your short-term memory? sometimes iffy
(83) How good is your long-term memory? pretty awesome
(84) What is your earliest memory? being in my father's lap listening to him sing and feeling secure
(85) What is your happiest memory (other than recieving this survey)? there are a couple
(86) What is your strangest memory? being sick during an eclipse when I was little and being all messed up on time
(87) What song, movie, etc. do you wish you could memorize? the poem "Stopping at night on a snowy evening" (I think that's the title) by Robert Frost; I always get a line wrong

(88) What movie makes/made you cry? a lot
(89) What book makes/made you cry? a lot
(90) What song makes/made you cry? a good number
(91) What makes/made you laugh so hard you cried? bad jokes with friends

(92) Would you like to be cloned? no
(93) Do you wish you could be alive when the world was ending, just to experience it? no
(94) Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango? I don't really dance well

(95) Do you think that one hundred and one questions is too long? not really
(96) Do you think the one hundred interesting questions actually were interesting? eh
(97) Are you sorry you began filling it out? eh
(98) What question do you wish it had asked? eh
(99) How would you have answered it? eh

(100) When was the last time you let the people you love know you love them? a couple days ago
(101) What do you want the people who are reading this survey to know?



:: 2006 11 December :: 8.54pm

Because I feel like being introspective, damnit
I...don't know. I know I'm not a happy person, but I also know I'm not a terribly depressed person, at least not usually and not at core. I'm just worried. I thought I would stop getting anxious about things once I got myself into a better situation. But not so much, I suppose.

Things freak me out. They always have (and always will?) and there doesn't necessarily need to be a rational reason. Most of my freaked out-edness comes from social interaction. And I keep wondering if maybe I should see a counselor about it. I'm pretty sure I have either a generalized anxiety disorder or social anxiety disorder. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I know what goes on in my head, and it scares me.

I get anxious over things like calling people, ordering things in a cafe, asking for books off the reserve shelf in the library (which seriously hurts my research papers), requesting books or periodicals from other libraries (also hurts my research papers), going to professors during their office hours or even making an appointment with them, people I don't know touching me, getting food made to order in any of the dining halls, going crowded places by myself (particularly malls and dining halls), making doctor's appointments, picking up medication, certain hand gestures, not having clothes that match (even socks, and I like it if even my bra and underwear match everything too), breaking any sort of rule even if it's minor, going new places (particularly alone), taking public transportation by myself, crossing the highway by my house (either on foot or by car, though I can cross other highways), seeing doctors, randomly running into people, walking in the woods at night, and looking into mirrors in the dark.

And while I'm getting better at things, slowly, sometimes I'll be fine with something and then freak out about it again later. And it definitely has an effect on my quality of life, but one of the things that makes me anxious is making doctor's appointments, so if I did get to the point where making an appointment at the health center to see someone stopped making me freak out, then I wouldn't really need to see someone, would I?

I'm pretty sure there's nothing else wrong with me, though. I had a shitty school experience which definitely made me depressed, but I don't think I'm depressive or anything else. I just think I need to learn how to not freak out so much, and I think I'm doing a terrible job currently.

1 rebuttal | response?


:: 2006 3 December :: 10.53pm

It's also very annoying that the girl I currently have a crush is hated by half my friends, and completely adored by the other half of my friends. So if I was to actually date her, and something went wrong, I have a bunch of friends that are her friends first, and I'd lose them. And my friends wouldn't really be happy if I dated her either. So, angst.



:: 2006 2 December :: 8.04pm

It's cool that all my friends are finding people, it really is. I was definitely squeeing at dinner today when Clare told me about her boy, but still...

I don't know. Sometimes I'm okay being single, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I really want to be in love, sometimes I just want someone to play with. Part of me, though, keeps thinking about marriage. Not now, obviously, and possibly not ever if the laws don't change (because even though I identify as either bisexual or homoflexible depending on my mood, I don't see myself marrying a guy). But it's something to strive for...eventually. I'm already 20, and in a few years I'll be moving out and trying to hold down a real job and all. It's perfectly feasible to think that I could get married (or have some sort of commitment ceremony) in the next decade.

And I don't know how to meet people. I basically just fell into my last two relationships, and neither of them were particularly fulfilling (though Steve was definitely what I needed, at least at first). And all the non-straight female people I know are either in relationships or are completely undateable (meaning they're either friends or roommates or far away or some combination of everything). I could broaden my search to guys, but most of the guys I know are gay, anyway.

I don't know. Maybe next semester. Maybe I'll figure things out later. I just kinda wish I could squee over my own relationships instead of just the ones that my friends are in.



:: 2006 2 October :: 6.50pm

Does anyone actually read this journal?

1 rebuttal | response?


:: 2006 31 August :: 2.33pm

I hate this. Well, maybe not hate. Hate is a strong emotion that takes energy to have, so I'd hate this if I wasn't so tired.

I think I'm getting depressed again. I always seem to go in waves. It doesn't help that my support system at school is again patchy. I miss Allison and Nicole and Steve (not in a "want to date him" sense, but I miss his friendship).

And I'm bored, and I'm sitting around a lot, and I'm worrying about a lot of things, and I don't get my roommate, and I'm having trouble getting into a good sleep pattern, and I'm afraid I might have too much work this semester, and I don't know.

I miss camp. I miss everything being so predictable and I miss my friends.

And I know that I need to be proactive. I need to make new friends, I need to pour myself into my classes, I need to stop sitting around and get out and do stuff even if it's by myself. But I'm just so tired.



:: 2006 6 July :: 5.37pm

It's interesting how I'm starting to build a sort of social network that barely includes anyone (with one or two exceptions) from my old high school. I'm going out a lot and doing things and being invited to stuff.

And, of course, I'm feeling awkward. I keep worrying about things, like whether or not people really want me around. And I don't want to be a drag on anyone. I think I might be paranoid, but that doesn't mean my worries can't come true.



:: 2006 21 June :: 11.22pm

Things I want
1) To stop being pathetic and stop being sad.
2) To be back at Goucher with Allison as my roommate, and maybe Willa as the cool person down the hall.
3) To not feel awkward with people I should be comfortable with.
4) To stop worrying about everything
5) To sleep--I get about 9 or 10 hours but it takes forever to get asleep and then I toss and turn and wake up six times and I can't function the next day
6) To stop crying at commercials; it's embarrassing
7) A successful relationship
8) My dad to stop his double-standards, because even though I ought to be flattered that he holds me to a higher standard than Jennie, I'm not
9) To be nicer to people
10) To feel like people don't judge me and find me wanting.
11) Attention, and not in the bad way that I hate, but in the pressure free way, like when someone listens and you can tell they hear everything
12) To be better at listening



:: 2006 3 June :: 10.55pm

I hate these weird moods. And I don't think I'm bipolar or anything, but I get into these things where I'm almost manic, and it scares me, because I'm not in control.

And then I'll be fine, but then I'll cry. And I don't think there's anything wrong with me except me, but I half wish I had something I could blame this on.



:: 2006 3 June :: 12.57am
:: Mood: upset

There are moments when I feel pain all the way down to my toes, and then I feel ashamed, because the pain is fueled by pity, and I should have finished with that in high school. I'm trying to be a different person. I want to have good friends. I want to be cared about. I want to be able to stick up for myself and actually win. And I especially want to get rid of pity, any pity. I will accept empathy and sympathy, but I don't want any more charity emotions. I don't like feeling below people.

The problem is that I can't really change. I almost always defer to other people, because I'm so accustomed to thinking of myself as lower. It's a feeling that's been reinforced over and over, and I don't really know how to stop. I dealt in high school by avoiding other people. I don't want to do that now, because I want friends. But wanting friends makes me eager to please, and doormats aren't highly valued. People use me, and I know it, but I can't change it. And sometimes I'm happy to be used, because at least I'm not lonely, but it still makes me ashamed, and, lately, angry.



:: 2006 16 May :: 10.14pm

the school year is almost up
I am really, really going to miss it.

I am. Even with all the angst and stress and stuff I've had lately. Today I went in Towson with Nicole and Jenny and Janelle and Steve, and we ate Salvidorian (sp?) food in this awesome cheap restaurant where the woman only spoke Spanish and then I had cinimon ice cream at this great ice cream place.

And just walking around was awesome, because I was next to Nicole the whole time and I think Nicole is fantastic.

And Allison and Catharine and I went for a random country drive last night and got lost while listening to 90s rock with the window open.

And I've had awesome conversations with Becka and Allison and Clare lately, and I wish I had more time to get to know Becka.

I feel loved, somehow. Even though I know I'm not always invited to things. Even though I know some people might not like me. Even though I feel so, so awkward. I feel loved here, and by more than one person.

I don't really want to leave. I do, but I don't. I want to go home and see Katie and Rita and play around at camp and not have schoolwork to do. But I'm going to miss the people here, and so many people aren't going to be back.



:: 2006 3 April :: 11.55pm

I hate love right now. We are all bound by a spiderweb of emotions, and sometimes people go and leave gaping holes.

I hate love because of the capacity to get hurt. I also hate how it constrains us, keeps us tethered. If one isn't careful, it's easy to hurt the ones who love you or who you love.

And I hate how people justify things by love. If they hurt someone, they say it's out of love. And people use the love of one as blinders against the love others, sometimes.

People always get hurt, and sometimes they become so damaged that they pull away from people who love them and cause more pain.

So I hate love today. It binds me to people, it makes me care too much. And I'm too damn empathetic, and because I love people I'll listen to them, and take their pain, and become hurt by it. "Other men's crosses are not my crosses," but it's hard not to offer help out of love.



:: 2006 22 March :: 7.57pm

Because this isn't a letter I can actually send
Hey Stina,

How are you doing? What have you been up to? Brie said you were going to secretarial school or something like that. Do you like it? Where are you living?

A lot's happened since we've last talked. I came out to pretty much everyone as bisexual, finally. My parents were surprisingly cool with it when I told them in January. I dated Katie (for three months starting August, mostly long-distance, didn't really work out but oh well) finally. I think some people were waiting for it to happen. I also got my first boyfriend, and we've been going out for four months now. He's awesome, and I think I might be falling in love with him (which scares the crap out of me). Also, I finally I sex. It wasn't a huge deal, but it felt kinda important anyway. Don't know if he and I will be repeating that experiment anytime soon; it was a bit awkward (but I don't regret it).

I really like college. I still get depressed sometimes, but it's easier now because I don't have to deal with the hell of high school on top of it. I actually have a bunch of friends there, and I don't feel like an outsider anymore.

I think about you a lot, even though we haven't talked at all since graduation and not much for a long time before that. You said you'd call me sometime this summer, but you didn't (not that I expected you to). I decided a long time ago not to care about you anymore, but I still do. There's all this stuff going on with me and I really wish I could share it with you. I miss you so much, and you probably never even think about me.

This is stupid. I don't even know how to contact you. I still hope you're doing well, though.


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