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:: 2018 16 July :: 12.51 pm

15 days until moving day.

speak


:: 2018 12 July :: 11.09 am

19 days until moving day.

speak


:: 2018 9 July :: 11.10 am

the Future
Finally, we're starting to talk about it. I couldn't be happier. I'm glad I stuck it out, glad I waited. We looked at rings the other day, and I got a good recommendation for couples therapy from my therapist. My head is finally clear, and I'm ready to move forward.

G is visiting this week, which is nice. He is almost kind of like a brother-in-law figure at this point. We are all going up to Michigan for T's wedding party on Saturday. G's going to help us move into the new apartment at the end of the month, so I guess he's just hanging out between Michigan and Columbus for the next few weeks. It will be interesting.

I cut down drinking again. My body just can't process alcohol like it used to, in really weird ways. If I have a beer after 5pm, even just one, I'll be wide away at 2 a.m., completely robbed of sleep for hours. Can't afford that with my busy lifestyle. It doesn't happen with wine or cocktails, and obviously I sleep best and feel best the next day if I just don't drink at all. So I'm trying to pay more attention to that these days.

Today has been good so far. Trying to finish up this big annoying project for work that is part of the reason I've been stalled out and unproductive for the past week. I went to the library on Saturday and got some new books to read. It's been ages since I did that, got some books and read with my eyes. It feels good to read in the evenings rather than fuck around on the Internet.

22 days until moving day!

speak


:: 2018 5 July :: 2.28 pm

Lethargy, again
I have too much free time today, and not enough energy to work. Ridiculous!!! I went for a walk on the trail this morning. Need to start exercising again, but I just have no goddamn energy for anything. Been drained of energy since I was 19. It all just stopped one day.

We need to get a real bed, and better sheets. I need a comfortable desk and a chair to work on at home. I should be working hard so I have the money to get these things for myself. I know it will be easier after we move. I just don't want to spend a single more goddamn night on the futon. I have to, at least until we get into the new house. Still have to live there. I can't even open the goddamn windows, and it is KILLING ME.

Why am I so tired????? Everything is finally going good. Maybe it's just my mood today. I know it's not as bad as it's been for the last three years. Even these years have been better than when I was living in Michigan. Good goddamn riddance.

26 days until we move.

speak


:: 2018 4 July :: 11.37 am

tidying
Anybody read that popular cleaning book, The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo?

I'm about halfway through it right now. It's been getting harder and harder to stay focused on work whenever I'm at home. Can't relax anywhere, always antsy, the dry air is making me crazy, etc., etc., see previous post. Well, last night I just had enough. I started organizing the boxes we've already started to pack in the living room. I packed up my painting supplies and went through a pile of junk that needed sorting.

Next, I went to my bedroom and pulled out some bags and boxes of crap from the closet. I kept at it until I was sneezing from the dust and I had filled another trash bag of stuff to throw away, started another box of things to donate or sell. This morning, when I woke up, I went to my room and started working again straightaway. I emptied my dresser and sorted my entire jewelry collection. I even went through most of my mementos and knick-knacks and got rid of some of them. It felt like such a relief to toss some of those things in the bin or in the sell box. Like, actual relief. Didn't expect that.

I have to take another break for now, because my dust allergies are out of control after all that. I have half a mind to challenge myself to a screen fast. No Reddit, no Netflix, etc. Maybe I'll do some sight-reading.

Life is exhausting.

27 days until moving day.

speak


:: 2018 2 July :: 5.25 pm

Lethargy
We're moving this month. Yay!
I'm really exicted to get out of this apartment. It is dirty, and all the space blends together. I need to get a proper desk, a proper bed, and a proper kitchen table.

I just bought a pair of new running shoes this morning. I haven't worked out in about two weeks, and longer before that. It is so difficult to maintain momentum after we go somewhere out of town.

I'm hoping that a change of scene will be enough to get me back on track. I have so much crap I need to get rid of. Haven't gone through everything in my closet yet. Sorting by category, that's what I'm supposed to do. I work so damn much during the week that by the time Saturday rolls around, my one day off (granted that I don't have any lessons to do in the morning), I'm completely wiped out. There's not a good space for me to set up my paints or crack open a journal or even read a goddamn book and not feel...vulnerable. All creativity and productivity is squandered in this icky environment.

I know that my habits will follow me into the new house, but I firmly believe that packing up, moving out, and moving into a new place will give me the jumpstart I need to get out of...whatever this funk is. Run ragged, bled of energy and brainspace. Doesn't help matters when I'm constantly reading Reddit threads, browsing Imgur, watching Netflix and HBO. All I do is consume, vomit, and reconsume digital content. Graphic, but kinda true.

Going to wear my new shoes tomorrow while I'm out running errands or getting a coffee. Two hours the first time, then four hours the time after that - would it be crazy to wear them all day on Wednesday? Maybe just while I'm teaching.

Haven't done a Tarot spread in weeks. Haven't been to the Wild Woman New Moon circle in months. Haven't written any journal entries of substance since Santa Fe. At least I'm finding time to practice, and my voice is doing better. And I'm eating relatively healthy.

29 days until moving day.

speak

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