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2018 5 July :: 2.28 pm
Lethargy, again
I have too much free time today, and not enough energy to work. Ridiculous!!! I went for a walk on the trail this morning. Need to start exercising again, but I just have no goddamn energy for anything. Been drained of energy since I was 19. It all just stopped one day.
We need to get a real bed, and better sheets. I need a comfortable desk and a chair to work on at home. I should be working hard so I have the money to get these things for myself. I know it will be easier after we move. I just don't want to spend a single more goddamn night on the futon. I have to, at least until we get into the new house. Still have to live there. I can't even open the goddamn windows, and it is KILLING ME.
Why am I so tired????? Everything is finally going good. Maybe it's just my mood today. I know it's not as bad as it's been for the last three years. Even these years have been better than when I was living in Michigan. Good goddamn riddance.
26 days until we move.
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2018 4 July :: 11.37 am
tidying
Anybody read that popular cleaning book, The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo?
I'm about halfway through it right now. It's been getting harder and harder to stay focused on work whenever I'm at home. Can't relax anywhere, always antsy, the dry air is making me crazy, etc., etc., see previous post. Well, last night I just had enough. I started organizing the boxes we've already started to pack in the living room. I packed up my painting supplies and went through a pile of junk that needed sorting.
Next, I went to my bedroom and pulled out some bags and boxes of crap from the closet. I kept at it until I was sneezing from the dust and I had filled another trash bag of stuff to throw away, started another box of things to donate or sell. This morning, when I woke up, I went to my room and started working again straightaway. I emptied my dresser and sorted my entire jewelry collection. I even went through most of my mementos and knick-knacks and got rid of some of them. It felt like such a relief to toss some of those things in the bin or in the sell box. Like, actual relief. Didn't expect that.
I have to take another break for now, because my dust allergies are out of control after all that. I have half a mind to challenge myself to a screen fast. No Reddit, no Netflix, etc. Maybe I'll do some sight-reading.
Life is exhausting.
27 days until moving day.
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2018 2 July :: 5.25 pm
Lethargy
We're moving this month. Yay!
I'm really exicted to get out of this apartment. It is dirty, and all the space blends together. I need to get a proper desk, a proper bed, and a proper kitchen table.
I just bought a pair of new running shoes this morning. I haven't worked out in about two weeks, and longer before that. It is so difficult to maintain momentum after we go somewhere out of town.
I'm hoping that a change of scene will be enough to get me back on track. I have so much crap I need to get rid of. Haven't gone through everything in my closet yet. Sorting by category, that's what I'm supposed to do. I work so damn much during the week that by the time Saturday rolls around, my one day off (granted that I don't have any lessons to do in the morning), I'm completely wiped out. There's not a good space for me to set up my paints or crack open a journal or even read a goddamn book and not feel...vulnerable. All creativity and productivity is squandered in this icky environment.
I know that my habits will follow me into the new house, but I firmly believe that packing up, moving out, and moving into a new place will give me the jumpstart I need to get out of...whatever this funk is. Run ragged, bled of energy and brainspace. Doesn't help matters when I'm constantly reading Reddit threads, browsing Imgur, watching Netflix and HBO. All I do is consume, vomit, and reconsume digital content. Graphic, but kinda true.
Going to wear my new shoes tomorrow while I'm out running errands or getting a coffee. Two hours the first time, then four hours the time after that - would it be crazy to wear them all day on Wednesday? Maybe just while I'm teaching.
Haven't done a Tarot spread in weeks. Haven't been to the Wild Woman New Moon circle in months. Haven't written any journal entries of substance since Santa Fe. At least I'm finding time to practice, and my voice is doing better. And I'm eating relatively healthy.
29 days until moving day.
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2018 15 May :: 3.49 pm
Santa Fe
First of all, I made it to Santa Fe yesterday morning. So far, it has been incredible. I flew into the SAF regional airport from Dallas, and it was really neat to watch the landscape change from the airplane window. From drab somewhat-greenery in Texas...to crop circles and soil growing darker and redder. Then I started seeing splashes of landcape that looked like the stretchmarks lightning leaves over the earth when it touches down, and I realized they were mountains. The splashes got deeper, darker. We were flying over the desert. Finally we circled into Santa Fe, and it was hard to tell that there was a whole city down there. It's really spread out, and there are NO tall buildings. By city ordinance, no one can build anything over 4 stories high. Didn't expect that, and it makes everything look beautiful and magical.
I took an Uber (my very first) to the car rental place (my very first car rental). I was about an hour early, so I went across the street to a place called Weck's and shoveled down a huge serving of toast, bacon, and fruit - I hadn't had anything to eat in like the 12 hours since I'd been awake. I'd had to get up at 3am for my flight.
After that, I checked in at the hostel, which is...so wild. It's close to downtown, which is nice, and it's not too full right now. It's a really communal atmosphere, with tons of food in the kitchen that everybody shares - they get a big weekly donation from Whole Foods. I've been snacking on stuff in the kitchen yesterday and today.
I've been going out for food too, of course. Santa Fe is a huge foodie place, so there's a lot of things to try. Last night I went to a pizza place for dinner and had a heavenly margherita pizza with a prosecco spritzer...yummmmm. Today, I went to the art galleries on Canyon Road and stumbled across a sort of ritzy restaurant called The Compound. When I got there, the host who greeted me was wearing an actual black suit, like, iron-pressed and spotless. The tablecloths and napkins were white linen, and they had a separate plate on the table with one of those fancy palette knives for butter. I asked to sit outside...in this glorious garden with sculptures and flowers and benches, etc. So, you know. Not the fanciest place I've ever been, but getting close. Here I am, sporting a schoolkid's backpack and wearing a thin red sundress that I got from the Sand Lake flea market in Michigan, reading a book while I wait for my hamburger. The height of class, obviously.
The couple next to me strikes up a conversation. It starts slowly at first, a casual observation that it's cool I'm reading a book - then we end up talking about where we're from - then they ask me what I do for work back home - then they tell me that I remind them of their daughter - then they're showing me pictures on the husband's phone of some of the cool things they've found in the Canyon Road district - and we all have a wonderful time. They even pay for my meal, because they said they enjoyed my company so much. It was stunning.
Honestly, the interactions I've had with people here are stunning all-around. Everyone is so unassuming and super kind. I came into the city not knowing a soul yesterday morning, and nine hours later I was watching the sunset over the Sangre de Cristo mountains with two of the hostel employees and a pair of visiting parents, talking like we've known each other for years. I've always hoped I could have an experience like this in my lifetime, and well...it's finally here. I know now there will be many, many more.
A couple of things people have said stuck in my brain:
A woman at one of the visitors' centers I met yesterday told me this: "This city will either embrace you or kick you out." <-- I remember this one because it feels like the city is embracing me. It's incredible! I'm met with good omens, peaceful passage, easy luck wherever I've gone so far. I don't want to jinx it, but at the same time I'm incredibly grateful. It feels like the Universe really does want me here, now.
One of the hostel employees told me while we were sitting out and watching the sunset: "I've moved to New Mexico three different times. I move away, but then I have dreams about the canyons. And I have to come back."
Some of the pictures I've collected between yesterday and today:
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2018 23 April :: 4.40 pm
21 days until Santa Fe.
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2018 14 April :: 9.00 am
So Kanye West is writing a philosophy book and I'm so excited. Why would ANYONE possibly be excited about that?? Read this excerpt from an interview he did with Rolling Stone yesterday:
"A designer told me that my wife was a master of light and I was a master of time," said West. "How to use time is equal to being someone who can cut a diamond. The ability to preserve time is more valuable than the ability to preserve a diamond because time is our most valuable resource. So using something timeless to remind us of what time is, is a good bar."
...???? WHAT??
Just imagine an entire book like that. It's going to be great.
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