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:: 2018 21 December :: 2.36 pm
:: Mood: awed
:: Music: Debussy

I never knew it was possible to experience love like this



:: 2018 6 December :: 9.14 am

Feel like garbage this morning. Can't focus on work. Had a really fun night in with S last night, though. I don't know why I was in such a good mood, but it was nice to have energy for once.

This winter stuff is HARD. I already feel beaten down by the season. It's only December 6th. Every time I look outside I want to die.

Deep down, I am still the same person. Still capable of committing the old atrocities.

5 spoke | speak

:: 2018 5 December :: 9.18 am

She grows extraordinarily quickly and flourishes even under the most deprived conditions, however sunlight-starved or snow-covered. Rather than wilting under adversity, she triumphs over it as easily as you or I would skip over a little stream. Her spirit is like a rapacious weed, with a fibrous vitality that burns and cuts your hands if you try to pull her from her roots. But o, how beautiful are her bright purple blossoms!

As children walking along the country roads of Michigan, we learn which species are named friend or foe, which are good to eat, nice to look at, and which must be eradicated. Many very respectable gardeners will caution against allowing weeds to exist in the garden. These unwanted specimens are known to be callous, unpredictable, greedy. Yet even now, as I look out from the window at my carefully cultured roses now asleep in their wintry beds, I long to see those simple purple wildflowers burst upon the scene, filling the garden with carefree, brilliant, indefatigable life.

for M


:: 2018 9 September :: 6.57 am

All pleasure and all pain is fleeting.
There will be a moment when everything ceases. It is the end.
There were never be a moment that lasts forever. Every posture and projection eventually fades.

Hanging upside down, I can have compassion for my failures instead of anger and resistance. I can accept mistakes as nothing more than signs of life. Attempts at moving through the world with more ease and more joy. I can have peace about the things yet un-done which instill feelings of reluctance and anxiety. What I need to get done, I will get done. Have faith instead of doubting at every turn.


:: 2018 3 September :: 7.13 pm

Life Update!
OK, so things are actually going well for once.

I'm loving our new apartment. We both are. It's much easier to keep clean. We have a washer and dryer in the basement (!), a backyard with a garden, and neighbours with an adorable orange cat who inexplicably comes to visit us every day. I went nuts with two major trips to Target and one trip to Ikea to get us some new furniture. We have a new bed. We have a dining table now (OK, the "table" is two old office desks pushed together with four stools for chairs, but it's perfect for us). Together, we decided that I could use the second bedroom as a home office. So I bought a new desk, got an easel and a storage unit for my painting supplies, and now have the perfect creative space to set up camp and work from every day. It is absolutely everything I wanted.

Speaking of getting everything I wanted...

We went looking at rings one day last month. We're tentatively talking about setting a date. I got a recommendation from my therapist for a good couples' counselor. We're definitely in the pre-official stage still, but we're planning the next steps. Eek!!! S has his candidacy exams next week. So he's studying and stressing about those. But after his defense is done, we'll probably start moving ahead. So. Excited.

On that subject, K and C got married. Y and K came up and stayed with us for a few days and traveled up to Michigan with us for the wedding. S and I stayed with his parents in East Lansing, and we told them that the reason we can't go to Australia with them this Christmas is because it's going to be hard for S to take time off from his PhD program more than once during the next 3-4 years...and we want to go to Australia for the honeymoon. So they were like !!!!!! And we were like !!!!!! They've been sworn to secrecy. The only other people we've told are K and Y. So. Yeah.

Work is going really well. I'm getting paid a lot better at my CRM job. My teaching schedule is getting fuller again now that the kids are coming back to school. I'm in the process of negotiating another contract with my c-gig. I'm ready for fall to start. Just opened a nice bottle of wine, and we're making pizza for dinner.

So yeah. I think things are looking hella good from where I'm sitting.


:: 2018 24 August :: 10.02 pm


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