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:: 2019 4 January :: 10.10am

smoking in my car has to be one of my favorite things.

Gary Numan had it right

1 spoke | speak


:: 2019 3 January :: 10.20am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: city & color

admit, this is never what you wanted
"isn't it great to find that you're really worth nothing?"

i feel this deep, deep anxiety, pain, sorrow and emptiness.

it feels like i'm missing someone i never met. it feels like the hole in my heart just tore a little bigger.

it feels like i'm ripped wide open and everyone can see the wind blow. right through my ribs, right through my heart.

i want to help those i love who are in pain so badly, and yet i'm completely powerless to help ease their sufferings, to help them feel relief, to see they are comforted and know they are loved.

maybe i am heartless, maybe i'm not the best person to be friends with. as someone who thinks about suicide constantly to comfort me against the absurdity and pain of being alive, i understand the desire and compulsion. and as someone who understands, it is so hard for me to stay don't.

but please don't. and if it's too late to say good bye... i just hope you found the relief you were looking for.

this life isn't what i want. i don't know what i want. maybe i do. i just want to feel important.

but i feel like that's impossible. i'll never feel important enough. and the more people i fill my life with, the less important i feel. and the more i want to run and hide and forget i ever knew anyone in the first place.

i didn't ask for life. i didn't ask to be white, or a woman, or pretty. i didn't ask to be born in the 21st century, i didn't ask to be a millennial. i didn't ask to fill the oceans with plastics or the air with toxins. i just want to go back to nothing, back to star dust, back to the earth. to be a tree or a bug or a toad. not thinking, not conscious, not lost in this hopeless endless spiral of humanity.

i am lost. and i just want to help someone else not be so lost.



:: 2018 29 December :: 9.56pm

i like to consensually choke girls in bed



:: 2018 29 December :: 10.13am
:: Mood: amused

plays my first game of D&D since I was a young gal

we raced around a mysterious track in fun vehicles

there was so much laughter, shenanigans and tomfoolery and it was everything I needed

thanks Nef for inviting me along and being patient with me! it was an excellent way to spend a Friday night



:: 2018 28 December :: 6.16pm
:: Music: jane the virgin

i feel relaxed, happy and free. i will be divorced soon. i will also be done with nursing school. i cannot wait to go forward in this new chapter with my girls, just us <3

after nursing school, i will be heading back to school for my BSN & then continuing forward with my CNM (certified nurse midwife).

Love yourself <3 Heal & shift <3

1 spoke | speak


:: 2018 19 December :: 4.44pm

I'm in so much pain. I have to have surgery. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do.

4 spoke | speak | Random Journal