:: 2010 5 August :: 2.36 pm
:: Mood: sleepy

Sin, a stream of consciousness by Kud.
There are quite a few definitions and lists of what sin is. There are the ten commandments from the old testament for the Jewish people. Then there are sections and pieces-parts of the bible nitpicked selectively by Christians. Muslims and their book and culture. The 7 deadly sins.

In mythology however, there was but one usually unmentioned sin that led to the downfall of a protagonist. Examples of these protagonists: Achilles, Icarus, Oedipus, and Agamemnon. Hubris; meaning extreme haughtiness or arrogance. Hubris often indicates being out of touch with reality and overestimating one's own competence or capabilities, especially for people in positions of power. In ancient Greece, hubris (ancient Greek ὕβρις) referred to actions that shamed and humiliated the victim for the pleasure or gratification of the abuser. Important note: Hubris may or may not be associated with a lack of knowledge.

Today, most find arrogance to be simply an annoying trait.

But you know what I think?

I think that arrogance serves no good purpose for the sinner. In fact, it enfeebles you in your endeavors that you are so sure of... know why? People start WANTING your failure. People start hating you. In one way or another, repeated offenses of hubris will lead to your imperfection or failure. The only way to combat it is with forethought.

I said something the other night. When you truly are a superior being, doesn't a type of GRACE come with that? Not divine grace, but elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action; especially in your mannerisms. One example of a large group who violate this idea I came up with are those typical "holier than thou" American Christians. They claim to have read a book once or twice and believe it with all of their hearts to empower themselves. They believe that they are saved and deserve immortality in heaven with endless happiness despite any action they carry out. As long as they believe, they are the chosen people. However, if you disagree, you are not only wrong... but you are arrogant, dirty, sinful, and damned. Hell, I've even been called "over-educated." Most American Christians prove their inferiority by committing the ancient taboo named Hubris in this way. What will actually come of this? Well, for one, it's a good way to lose friends and alienate others. This failure to have grace manifests itself in many other ways aside of merely annoying and insulting the people around you, however...

Homo sapians sapians are what biologists call an invasive specie because of our exponential population growth and tenancy to be the reason for another critter's extinction. Most people argue against this by saying that we are smarter than all other creatures, as though that entitles us to pollute, overfish, burn, overhunt, pave and overkill everything around us. But, if we really were intelligent, superior beings, would we not be able to easily let go of our hedonistic tenancies and be shepherds to sheep? You know, treat the weaker as our flock and protect them as our treasured friends? Love our home (the planet) and be allies to our neighbors (the plants, animals, and even the fungi and microorganisms) since they can help us greatly? We need to realize that with great power must come great responsibility... afterall, we ARE smart enough to think ahead and control ourselves... aren't we?

This is the attitude that will bring us to our extinction. And unfortunately, we will take many innocents along with us.

- - -

White Whale

:: 2010 18 July :: 4.07 pm

01 GREENBERG STRUGGLE FOR DEMOCRACY 9 LONGMAN 978-0-205-64846-7 $117.75 0 $88.50 22
Amazon: $60

S01 VALETTE A VOTRE TOUR JOHN WILEY 978-0-470-42423-0 $109.50 31 $82.25 0
Amazon: $55

S01 VALETTE A VOTRE TOUR STUDENT MANUAL 2 JOHN WILEY 978-0-470-42426-1 $69.50 32 $52.25 0
Amazon: 56$

S01 TAYLOR CLASSICAL MECHANICS UNIVSCI 1-891389-22-X $103.00 0 $77.25 3
Amazon: $66

S01 BEVINGTON DATA REDUCTION & ERROR ANALYSIS FOR PHYS SCI 3 MCG 0-07-247227-8 $72.75 0 $54.75 0
Have it.

S01 JONES OFFICIAL LAB RESEARCH NOTEBOOK(3 HOLE PUNCHED) JONES 0-7637-0904-2 $14.25 6 $10.75 0
Have it.

BW: $399
Amazon: $171

White Whale

:: 2010 30 April :: 4.17 pm

http://pastebin.org/195385

White Whale

:: 2010 30 April :: 12.01 am

http://pastebin.org/193796

White Whale

:: 2010 28 April :: 8.25 pm

http://pastebin.org/190942

White Whale

:: 2010 26 April :: 12.04 pm

Hide it hide it keep it to yourself.

White Whale

:: 2010 23 April :: 4.02 pm

Shut up. Even I make mistakes.
/*Heather Hall, April 23, 2010, CSC-210*/

#include
#include
#include

using namespace std;

int PayOrLoan(char transtype);
void CalcInterest(float& interest, float& pastdays, string& agent);

int main()
{
//Variables
float pastloaned, pastdays, transamt, interest, currentdays, currentloan;
char transtype;
string client, agent;
ifstream inpastloans("past_loans.txt");
ifstream inactivity("days_activity.txt");
ofstream outcurrentloans("current_loans.txt");
ofstream outdon("don.txt");
ofstream outmichael("michael.txt");
ofstream outsonny("sonny.txt");

//check if files exist.
if(!inpastloans)
cout << "past_loans.txt failed to open" << endl;
else if(!inactivity)
cout << "days_activity.txt failed to open" << endl;
else //commence file reading
do
{
inpastloans >> client >> pastloaned >> pastdays; inpastloans.ignore(80,'\n');
CalcInterest(interest, pastdays, agent);
float pastdata[3]; //creates an array for each client.
pastdata[0]=pastloaned;
pastdata[1]=pastdays;
pastdata[2]=interest;

}while(!inpastloans.eof());

do
{
inactivity >> transtype >> client >> transamt; inactivity.ignore(80,'\n');
float activedata[2]; //may create a new array, or add information to an existing array.
transtype=PayOrLoan(transtype);
activedata[0]=transtype;
activedata[1]=transamt;
}while(!inactivity.eof());

//cout << data[0] << data[1] << data[2] << data[3] << data[4];

}

int PayOrLoan(char transtype)
{
if (transtype=='P')
transtype=1;
else if (transtype=='L')
transtype=2;
return transtype;
}

void CalcInterest(float& interest, float& pastdays, string& agent)
{
agent="Michael";
if(pastdays==0)
interest=0;
else if(pastdays>0&&pastdays<8)
interest=200;
else if (pastdays>=8&&pastdays<15)
interest=400;
else if (pastdays>=15&&pastdays<22)
interest=600;
else if (pastdays>=22&&pastdays<29)
interest=800;
else if (pastdays>=29)
{
interest=1000;
agent="Sonny";
}
}

White Whale

:: 2010 23 April :: 1.39 pm

Applying for an award.
The two main reasons why I do not have a longer list of non-academic activities are: most of my focus is on what most consider academic, and I personally prefer to focus on my own original ideas. I take my academics very seriously and consider them to my top priority. I am the type of person who studies more than 50 hours per week every week, and considers conscientiousness and discipline to be ideal qualities. This is not because I am shallow minded and having nothing else to do, but because I have big dreams. I always find myself wishing that I had more time to learn more. I fantasize about building a time machine with the sole purpose of living alternate lives in order to learn new things and grow. I feel I need to learn as much as I possibly can because my goal in life is to save the world. Not as a super hero, nor an evangelist, nor what one would normally call a savior, but perhaps as a creative problem solver. I majored in biomedical engineering because to me, it is about understanding life and making it superior. I did not decide to do this for the salary, nor for prestige. I never want expensive things unless they're a relevent part of something I want to create. I want to revolutionize the human experience. Specifically, I am interested in bridging the gap between the human brain and electronic devices: we call it neurocybernetics today. There is not a lot known about this discipline, which is why I feel the best strategy would be to know as much as possible. I want to make the blind see with microelectrode arrays. I want to build a new, fully operational spine for a friend who developed severe kyphosis, because the only cure now is a titanium rod which will never let him move his spine again. I want to repay that young man who went off to war and sacrificed his legs by giving him new legs that are even stronger than his own once were. I do not sit and try to wish away problems, I solve them at any cost. Even if I do not always recieve what I want, even if I cannot ever stop to take a break, even if my peers have different schedules and stress levels, even if no one thinks I can succeed.


... yeah, it's not very good. whatev. I'll finish later when I have some passion... I'm on vyvanse right now.

White Whale

:: 2010 19 April :: 4.45 pm

DAC:
Digital Lab 4: Digital to Analog Conversion
A 4-bit 16 sample weighted current digital to analog converter (DAC) was constructed from several individual ICs. A 74193 binary counter was used to write digital data to a 7489 SRAM, whose outputs were sent through a 74126 three state buffer IC, and last to a 741 operational amplifier whose output was the analog output. To weight each output by the SRAM, various resistors were used to vary the current flow on some individual output pins to the buffer IC before reaching the op. amp IC. Digital data can be represented in analog form by varying voltages (see data sheet in lab notes). The reading the output from the memory can be done on individual data components by cycling through the memory addresses on the SRAM (via the counter), and viewing various voltage levels on an oscilloscope or with a meter. The reading can be automated to cycle through all of the memory addresses by applying a clock (frequency) to the counter�s count up pin, and these can also be read on an oscilloscope. The memory can be written to in such a way that the output can emulate various waveforms, such as a square wave, sine wave, or triangle wave. More data means a smoother emulation by the analog output, and less data will show separate steps between data components.

White Whale

:: 2010 19 April :: 11.55 am
:: Mood: contemplative

If I had a time machine...
I've been thinking a lot lately... about things I wish I had done differently in my life. I know I don't have a time machine, I know, but things still bother me.

Number one, we're assuming that I have all of the knowledge that I have now...

Go back 6 years to when I first started highschool...

First, I'd get put in the honors math circuit. Definitely. I'd bitch those assholes out for putting me in retard math because I got a B in honors math in 8th grade because I transferred into it halfway through the yeah. Seriously, fuck you guys. You ruined my academic life with that.

I'd have given a shit about and studied for my SATs and ACTs. I won't make that mistake again when I take the GRE.

I'd never have dated the assholes I did. Never would have lost my virginity either til I would meet Raymond in 4 years. I was indestructable until I nonchalantly and carelessly let sex happen to me. God fucking damn... I didn't even care positively or negatively about it, I felt nothing about it. I bit off more than I could chew.

I would have never wasted time in highschool choir. It only lowered my GPA and turned out to not matter for me at all. We never scored well... it was just honestly a struggle for my confidence.

I would however have started up French horn asap... wish I could still play.

Very importantly, I wish I would have never quit karate. Karate was my driving force. It's all gone now.

Would have never wasted the little time I did with drama-club. Shit was stupid and I hated those people.

Wish I would have taken Engineering Physics with Weaver. It seemed like an awesome course...

I would have applied to REAL engineering schools, and made more DAMN certain that I would maximize my scholarship chances... God fuck, don't I know ANYTHING!?

Wish I would have known to prepare better rather than happily jumping over the low bar set in highschool...

Wish I never got on vyvanse. All I did was get addicted like a friggin' meth addict. And now my weight is dropping, I'm a miserable soul, and I have a worsening nervous twitch.

But there is no time machine.

What should I do now?

Shoot higher than I did before. Ignore what you see. The competition is hidden. Gotta destroy it at all costs... even though I can't even see it.

- - - Kud

White Whale

:: 2010 16 April :: 3.22 pm

When was the last time...
I was actually happy?

......

White Whale

:: 2010 12 April :: 8.13 am
:: Mood: alive still.

...
/sob.

You know who my best friend is?
Vyvanse.
Can't live without it.
Literally.

Well. I guess... at least I still have my computer still working.

I almost fell asleep in the tub last night. Fell asleep in my own blood last night. I was really hoping that this would be it, honestly. Then I started to hallucinate. I got scared because all of these glowing things kept creeping up my legs, up my body and arms and into my neck. I couldn't leave. Couldn't calm down. Had to rinse off again. Else my skin would all be red. Almost slipped or tipped or something when I stood... I can't remember. I guess I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Go back to bed, you loser. Make excuses for not going deeper, you're a goddamn pussy. Decided to set an alarm clock to return to my shitty life. Borrowed my mom's. When I asked if I could, she sat straight up and demanded "What room number are you?" I stared for a minute, baffled "What do you mean? It's me, Heather." She pointed at me "Yes, but what room number are you so I know!?" I was pretty much horrified, so I walked out without answering. How could you forget? I'm right down the hall in room number 16. We're all patients at a mental hospital, even you, mother.

Don't bother contacting me on the phone.
I destroyed it last night.
Because I'm fucking crazy and have no control anymore.
And I'm never ever going to get better.
Haven't we pretty much proved that though already?

Now I'm totally alone.

I'll never get messages from Michelle, Sasha, Daniel, or anyone else of the 2 people who answered my texts. Hahaha.

It's the worst feeling.
Waking up.
And life didn't get better. It's even fucking worse than it was before. I guess... at least I can use it as a watch... and an alarm, but oh wait lol I can't even set it.

And through all this.
Who was there for you!?
No one of course, you fucking dipshit!
KNOW WHY!?
YOU'RE BEYOND FUCKING HELP.
NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU.
NO ONE LOVES YOU.
DIE ALREADY.

White Whale

:: 2010 9 April :: 12.40 am
:: Mood: accomplished

... I celebrated today.

Because, I'm pretty sure that I have never been this smart in my whole life.

I had an icecream.

Yay.

2 Holy Grails | White Whale

:: 2010 8 April :: 11.24 am
:: Mood: blah

A Wishlist: Because I'm a materialistic shit.
*Indicates priority, aka, NEED.


- Canon EOS Digital Rebel XSi: ~$600

Wanted this specific model and camera since 8th grade. I'm a sophomore in college now. I really want a good camera...


- TI-89 Titanium*: ~$150

I am an engineering student. I've basically finished all of my calculus courses. So now, I'm sick of having to stop and look up integrals because no reasonable solving method would work. I practically need this damn thing.


-15mm Brown circle lens: ~$50

Oh god yes.


- F+F Frilled Cake Dress: ~$70



Totally want this. Have wanted for months. Might do it in a custom color...

- F+F Tiered Bustle Bloomers: ~$28



To go with cake dress.

- F+F Steel Prop Pannier*medium*: ~$25



In white. To go with cake dress.

- Baby,the stars shine bright Heartbuckle Shoes ~ 14490Y JESUSCHRIST



The cutest shoes I have ever seen. Hands down.

-Baby, the stars shine bright Classic rose head bow PinkXwhite lace ~ 3780Y



Cuteass Bow.


- Baby, the stars shine bright Beading Ribbon Lace High Socks: ~2730Y



Sockies.

- F+F Cutie FRUiTS Sweet Miss Bunny Wool Coat&Cape: ~ $200



The cutest coat ever.

- Nintendo DS lite (white or pink): ~as low as $50

Because. Pokemon.


- Pokemon Heartgold: ~$40

Wanna buy it new... so I can get a pokewalker.


No. Stop. This is stupid.

Know what's weird?

Whenever I make wishlists, I get turned off to actually buying this shit. Because it's expensive.

If I had everything of this list, it would be a $1400 Shopping Spree... The clothes alone come to like, $300. I'm also pretty damn sure that I've never gotten this much shit over the course of like, 5 birthdays/christmases. Just shut up. I feel so stupid.

Eh. I want to be grunge again. /wears torn of jeans and a thick, unflattering flannel that's 5 sizes too big. I feel so stupid right now. I should be doing math. Not looking at girly clothes. Maybe I'll reward myself with a TI-89 when this semester ends...

- - - Kud

1 Holy Grail | White Whale

:: 2010 1 April :: 11.17 am

I want to print this en masse, and distribute it.
Article 6 of the U.S. Constitution states:

"The Senators and Representatives before mentioned, and the Members of the several State Legislatures, and all executive and judicial Officers, both of the United States and of the several States, shall be bound by Oath or Affirmation, to support this Constitution; but no religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."

Amendment 1 of the U.S. Constitution states:

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

Because lots of people seem to want to be crusaders against so called "God hating Liberals."

Fuck. You morons.

White Whale

:: 2010 24 March :: 7.41 pm

//Heather Hall, Lab 5, March 24, 2010

#include

using namespace std;

int Larger(int a, int b);

int main()
{
int a,b,large;

cout << "Enter the first integer, and hit enter. Enter the second integer the same way." << endl;
cin >> a >> b;
cout << Larger(a,b) << " is largest." << endl;

for(int i=1; i<=8; i++)
{
a=Larger(a,b);
cout << "Enter another integer" << endl;
cin >> b;
cout << Larger(a,b) << " is largest." << endl;
}

}

int Larger(int a, int b)
{
int larger;

if (a>b)
larger=a;
else
larger=b;

return larger;
}

7 Holy Grails | White Whale

:: 2010 13 March :: 10.44 pm

Holy shit.
Please for the love of god.

Buy some of my dumb shit. I really need money.

Etsy: Your place to buy & sell all things handmade ShellKud.etsy.com

For commissions, comment me. I do paintings, everything.

Example of paintings:

[image 1]
[image 2]
[image 3]

Keep in mind... all of these paintings were done like 3 years ago. I'm much better now... but I don't have a camera to photograph my new work because I am too damn poor.

Thanks.
- - - Kud

White Whale

:: 2010 5 March :: 12.15 pm
:: Mood: hurt

Oh...
What melody will lead my lover from his bed?
What melody will see him in my arms again?

Is the melody... silence? Is that all he wants to hear from me?

Well, that's a very harrowing request, but anything for you, oh love...

- - - Kud

1 Holy Grail | White Whale

:: 2010 2 March :: 9.46 am
:: Mood: stressed

In sum. Since the onset.
I'm twenty years old, I'm female, and I'm nothing but an engineering major. My blood pressure is under the normal range usually, as long as I'm not crying. I used to live with my mom, but she's seriously schizophrenic and I really hate her, so I moved into an apartment for about three months. Then my condition worsened, so I moved in with my grandmother about a month, and that arrangement was ruined by my mother while I was living with my fiancee for about a month. Now I've been living with my father for two months.

I have headaches a lot. I don't drink a lot of water though I try to do it. Parts of my body go numb in the evening at times. I've experienced drastic personality changes in the past year. Sometimes, when a negative thought passes through my mind, I can have a full mental breakdown. I think that I want to disappear a lot, want to spontaneously get killed and wiped away. I wonder a lot if I were falling to my death, if I'd regret it in my last 5 seconds of living... and I usually think that I probably would not, except maybe saying the bittersweet "Goodbye" as though anyone would hear. I don't want anti-depressants, because I'm afraid of their side effects, and I'm afraid they won't do much for me... and I'll be trapped in that state of mediocrity via addiction. I used to see a therapistpsychiatrist, for maybe two months, but it didn't help... not even a little bit. Sometimes I try to push through and function and do well, but it only lasts one day, leaves me exhausted, and ends in failure anyway.

I took 60mg vyvanse last spring around mid-February. It worked. I had perfect grades and was happy-- for about two months. In eight months, it sent me to three very serious panic episodes, one I went to the hospital for, two I should have gone to the hospital for. These panic episodes were comprised of uncontrollable screaming, crying, shaking, tingling and numbness in my limbs, and extremely high blood pressure, fainting, hyperventilating, and more fun.

It usually made me have little panic episodes, like 90% of the time when I took it, and they would last all day. Eventually I stopped taking it, I went from straight A's to straight F's in the classes I was taking, I was constantly suicidal, constantly considering either jumping in front of cars, trains, or driving my own car into a pole or oncoming traffic. Most of the time, I would lay in bed all day and cry. All day.

I used to paint, I used to play French horn, but I quit because I thought it was maybe taking too much time from school. I feel guilty now.

I do not have any friends within 100 miles of me. I don't go out and do things. Most of the time, I sit in front of my computer, wishing someone would contact me, but they never do.

I have a fiancee. He lives in Atlanta. He bought me a cellphone awhile back. To be honest, we don't get along a lot like we used to. Like, when we're together for too long, all we do is fight. When we're apart I want him to talk to me and say something or do something to help me through my constant problems, but he never answers his phone. He rarely calls me himself. He can still talk about things he does. I can't blame him for not giving a damn. He always says he loves me, but for some reason, I don't believe him. Saying "I love you" is nothing, because guys who have cheated on me and talked behind my back and endangered my life said "I love you." Those words mean nothing to me, especially since he ALWAYS plays it off like he's too busy for me even though we don't talk anyway.

I cry probably 30% of the time when I have to do work or study. It always really bothers me, because it makes me feel very inadequate. I do my best and usually pull the lowest non-failing grade in the class, well below the average, while other students can sleep or skip the class and get an A. It really bothers me, and its happened with multiple people in multiple classes.

I usually cry uncontrollably when I get exams back. It ruins my whole day. I can't focus at that point.

I live with my dad. It's really annoying. He and his girlfriend are constantly "cleaning" for me, and then everything goes missing, including "personal items," and to be honest, it's an invasion of privacy and is also harassment to me. It really annoys me when Kim says she knows that I'm having my period, when I'm about to have it, knows when I have medication for things like a yeast infection, or for headaches. My dad constantly tells me I'm lazy and not a hard worker, and that I'm stupid compared to him, and how all of my problems aren't worth a shit compared to his.

I'm ashamed of myself. Even now as I type this, I'm crying horrendously.

I have the mind of an anorexic, and the body of an undisciplined person. On some days, I don't eat, simply because I hate myself. Some days I'll work out until I see flashing colors and can't stand up straight. Some days, I binge, and then I cry. I have to mentally avoid purging, because I don't want to somehow become bulimic. I have wanted to go to a gym for a long time, but I have no friends to go with me, and if I ever start to try to go myself, I can't. Because....

I have really bad social anxiety. I can't be in a large group of people I don't know for more then half an hour without sweating, getting a throbbing headache, blushing, heart palpitations, and eventually breaking down crying. I've tried to go to social events, hoping to cure SOMETHING somehow, but it always ends the same way. I feel alone in a crowd, I freak out, I leave. I hate talking to people in my classes. I feel like some of them make fun of me, and some of them plain don't like me because they can tell there's something wrong with me.

One thing that hurts me the most is when I feel like I've disappointed those I look up to. Example: Dr. Meyer. I have a class with him, and I always get 30% on his exams. I used to get perfect grades in his other classes, though it was hard for me, I always made it. I thought I was special, I thought I had a knack for learning things thoroughly and growing and solving logical problems. And now, I'm proving that I don't work hard enough. I want to work harder, but I just end up getting really stressed out and crying in the bathroom for two straight hours after his 1.25 hour class.

My blood pressure is normally lower than the average person's, but when I get one of these stress episodes, I sometimes get light nosebleeds. This has maybe happened three times, and it always happens at school.

If I were granted three wishes, they'd be these: One, I wish I could get along with people better and actually make friends and do social things like normal people. Two, I wish I could work hard without constantly crying, and I wish my work would pay off and send me to the top of the class again. Three, I wish that I were on the bottom of the rung of beautiful; I wish I were skinny and cute and unique looking, not a model or a beauty queen... just to be a little bit above average.

But maybe, I only need one wish.

The wish that my negative thoughts would go away. Forever.

Thanks,
Heather

2 Holy Grails | White Whale

:: 2010 1 March :: 12.06 pm
:: Mood: tired

Might as well disappear.
Don't exist anyway.

1 Holy Grail | White Whale

:: 2010 22 February :: 12.24 pm
:: Mood: enraged.

You know what?
If I'm so batshit mediocre, then why the hell did you bastards advise me into this major in the first place?

/groan.

I really hate it when some bastard who literally sleeps through all of the classes scores higher than I do. I got really pissed and told him "You know, all of your good Karma was spent then and there... and you're going to get hit by a fucking tree when you step foot out of this building. Fuckin' dick."

Obviously, I've been held back my whole life due to mediocre expectations and a lax upbringing. But what the fuck should I care. I'm doing my best. And I'm never EVER going to let you fuck heads know that.

/shame.

Don't cry.

I should stop this bullshit and just take vyvanse again. It was the only time I got straight As and actually learned. Obviously, I need it. I don't care if I die while I'm on it. I don't care if I die.

I'm visiting the doctor. I'm not telling anyone I know personally. No one I know personally knows about this journal. I'm going to amp the dose up really high and snort the shit. Fuck you pharmacology. Maybe I'll be at least above average if I do that! ABOVE AVERAGE AND DEAD.

THANK GOD. BETTER THAN THIS SON OF A BITCH.

1 Holy Grail | White Whale

:: 2010 21 February :: 12.19 am
:: Mood: sad

I wonder, honestly.
If I can keep this shit up for three more years. Probably not. So, like. Do something.

I feel so alone. Sitting here dry and cold.

He's constantly working. I never see him. I'm isolated.

Holy shit. This is unbearable.

White Whale

:: 2010 17 February :: 4.28 pm

Why.
Am I already taking a practice MCAT? I don't even know if I want to go to grad school... but honestly... I probably should... at some point.... being a biomedical engineer and all. (No one listens to you unless you have a Ph.d...)

Even if.

God damnit. I'm so sleepy. And miserable. I wish I had settled for mediocrity and gone to art school or into a simple Biotech thing... but no.. I just had to be a BMEngineer.

You don't even have a goddamn idea what it's like to be in this major.

- - - Kud

edit: Actually, I somewhat already have the personality of a grad student... because instead of studying for calculus, I whip out a book on biophysics and read it. Which brings me to my next point: I really want a kindle. :)

White Whale

:: 2010 15 February :: 3.21 am
:: Mood: sleepy

No. Sreep. Cannot.

1 year. 1 year with Raymond Garrison. I've never stayed with someone this long in one continuous stream.

And.

I need more of him still. I'm not batshit sick of him yet.

/rubs eyes.

I'm so disoriented in terms of school. I'll need to really get da disciprine this week... seeing I used my weekend to rest. OH EM GEE.

I had a nightmare last night. About karate.

Stop it. I'm boring. Let's go to class...

White Whale

:: 2010 10 February :: 5.03 pm
:: Mood: tired

Ache Lake.
I am addicted to caffeine.

I called it. Calc III just started doing what we did in Theoretical Physics yesterday. I don't care what you say... the more math you have, the greater an advantage you have in Theoretical. I'm the middle of the road... but I'm not as disadvantaged as a few...

God I fucking blow at calculus. I always forget the idea behind proofs... which makes it harder to find many ways to make applications. Maybe I just have a shitty short term memory. I really wish I were better, but practice doesn't seem to do the trick for me... and there's just so much I need to pull out of my ass and consider while problem solving.

McGivern stabbed me in the side with a pencil during Chem today. It actually hurt, so I was like "OW," and it was actually really embarrassing because everyone turned and looked... and the prof asked if I was okay. No one saw why I was hurt.

I finally gave Dr. Meyer the polymer clay rubik's cube I made last semester. I was debating for a long time whether or not to give it to him. I don't want him to think I'm a faggottyass suckup, but I really think it suits him. So I gave it. At first, I just left it on his desk, and he was puzzled as to whose it was. I later explained that I had left it there. He seemed pleased with it. I think Meyer was working with all sorts of polymers when he was in the field... because a lot of his problems involve polymers... and he asked me what kind of polymer the cube was made of. I said I didn't know, only that it cures at a relatively low temperature of 275ºF... and he spouted off some polymer terminology and I just sort of nodded. He helps me greatly when it comes to his classes... but I have a lot of practice to do for this section.

Oho.

There's a nice goal for me. Learning systematically how to solve a rubik's cube. That's a nice hobby.

I'm currently sitting in Macs. I was doing my homework for EI and Chem lab, but I got really exhausted all of the sudden and sort of nauseated. I'm taking a break because I've gone non-stop since 8am. I sorta am in love with EI because I seem to score near perfect on the lab reports... and perfect scores don't happen for me anymore these days (college).

The roads are scary today. So snowy and shitty.

I'm thinking about doing an artist table at CCon. My friend Gibbs is apparently one of their staff monkeys. I'll see how cheap I can make it for me... to maximize my profit of course. Ray wants to go with me too. Sounds like fun... indoor waterpark... exploiting weeaboos... reunion-ing with a (relatively) useless network of people that I am part of...

I really, really don't like certain people... when I don't like people, I find that I make fun of them to their faces in such an underhanded way, that it's a quite brutal and confusing to them. I mean, who the fuck does that one bitch think she is? I don't even know her, yet the moment my dumbass ex becomes her dumbass ex, she comes running to me to dig up shit on me? No, fuck you bitch, I'll just embarrass you, so gtfo. I know what she's trying to do. It's immature, but amusing to me in a twisted way.

I've dropped shitfucktons of names in this entry. I'm a faggotty hipster for school.

In other news, the new stat is: 12.5 pounds gone. 27.5 to go. Not bad. Not bad at all...

- - - Kud

White Whale

:: 2010 8 February :: 8.22 am

I had the weirdest fucking dream.

I went to the walmart in some big modern city with Grandma and Amber. Then, it was evacuated with an alarm because it was perhaps collapsing. Store personnel tried to keep us there.

When I got to my car, I got on, and in on the other side, this fucking little old lady was going through my glovebox.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing." I grab her by the wrist and call the police. Obviously, she was trying to mug my shit. The police never came. I got her a job at a hamburger stand. I told her that if I ever catch her around during the day and that she's not working every day, I'll gut her like a kipper.

Just like prison. Except it serves her right and actually helps her.

Ugh. School. Gotta leave soon...

White Whale

:: 2010 27 January :: 5.36 am
:: Mood: distracted
:: Music: The Clinquot - Beirut

White Whale

:: 2010 24 January :: 11.03 pm
:: Mood: sad

Woah.
I just realized.

She made me cry harder and spiral deeper than any love has ever done to me. That is to say, she didn't intend to "make" me do anything, but she did.

She was the only one I willingly came back to, really. Consciously. Clearly. Certainly.

Most tell me not to dwell on the past and to move on and not be like this. I feel like I'm in the desert still though, being led by something that is probably a mirage.

It's a drive I don't have control over. Even not being totally cut off from her has somehow made me happier. She doesn't even care.

Luckily, I can sit here in my own little world, knowing things aren't shattered entirely, and that feels good.

A new definition to: well, well, well, you never can tell...

3 Holy Grails | White Whale

:: 2010 19 January :: 11.37 pm

You know.
Maybe it's good that I'm weird looking. A little ugly. A little chubby. Not the fucking spitting image of perfection and beauty.

I like that people are intimidated by me. Take me seriously. Don't chase me for a lay too often, that shit is annoying. People respect me in a manner that childish crushing boys can't fathom. I like that males swallow their pride and come to me for advice and help. I like being a nerd girl who has pink hair and wears hyper-realistic rubber shimps in her hair.

Aside of that, I've found a deep love. He's fascinated with what is me and my unique form. He is not amused by conventional views on beauty; in fact, he despises it. He defines what is attractive in his own head, and I just so happen to be all that. I'm grateful. I don't need anyone else to look at me. He's mature enough to love me the RIGHT way.

Thank god.

...

but still... I'm going to keep trying to look my best for him. Heh.

Love, Kud.

1 Holy Grail | White Whale

:: 2010 19 January :: 10.38 pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: Blank File - Sonata Arctica

White Whale